It reminds me of when someone sees a bunch of people of [whatever race, nationality, ethnicity, gender, etc.] gathered together somewhere and assumes they are excluding, oppressing, or marginalizing everyone else.
Sharing Details of Relationships/Sex
- Thread starter glowinthedarkstars
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It reminds me of when someone sees a bunch of people of [whatever race, nationality, ethnicity, gender, etc.] gathered together somewhere and assumes they are excluding, oppressing, or marginalizing everyone else.
I dont know about the whole gossip worry. Is it because you're afraid the partner of a lover, feeling spurned, will "out" you to people you'd rather not know?
As far as sexual "secrets" or discretion, don't others here either consciously or unconsciously share new sexual practices with the first partner, that you've learned with partner 2 or 3? At least sometimes? I know I do. Wouldn't this be a way to non-verbally share so-called private things you've done with others?
As far as sexual "secrets" or discretion, don't others here either consciously or unconsciously share new sexual practices with the first partner, that you've learned with partner 2 or 3? At least sometimes? I know I do. Wouldn't this be a way to non-verbally share so-called private things you've done with others?
Incorporating new things into your sexual repertoire is a bit different than requiring your partner to report back to you every little thing and/or get your permission with the things you do with your other partner(s), whether the other partner(s) are comfortable with it or not.
Oh, I am not talking about a "requirement." My gf and I were talking about this last night though. While we dont require or demand to know every detail, we both feel more comfortable and less jealous if we know the general gist of most dates. I think it's like meeting a metamour, she or he usually seems less threatening in person. And information about what really happened on a date is less threatening than just not knowing and imagining it's all so much better with the other lover than it is with oneself.
Also, say I am going to meet up with J. Afteward, I tell my gf, "J is into XYZ." Then she might suggest I trying doing this or that with him as well, if it seems similar to something she has done with a person with that fetish. Then I can be a more creative knowledegable partner to J.
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OK. But I said "requirement" because that is what was in the original post of this thread.
Indeed, yes I have that going on right now myself. I am somehow making it work without saying to A, "B is into XYZ.. Let me tell you about all the times B and I did XYZ, and how long it took, and how many times I came."
Instead, I might say to A, "Being with B has opened my mind to some new things that I didn't think I was into before. I might want to try some of those things with you, what do you think?"
(You know exactly what I am talking about, don't you? LOL We'll have to catch up soon.)
This gets the job done without all the TMI. Of course it's different if the people involved are not adverse to a modicum of sharing. I do not have a "100% privacy" agreement in my relationships, but I don't want them to know everything I do with the other, and neither do they.
serialmonogamist
New member
I could just as easily say that you're being defensive because you're in denial. The truth is, I don't know whether you are or not, but I think it is important to avoid denying that there is a culture of sexual shame that prompts secrecy and fear of being outed. What is it that you are saying my agenda is exactly? Because I won't just unquestioningly accept that sexual privacy/secrecy has nothing to do with shame or fear at any level, I'm pursuing an agenda?
CranberryStardust
New member
Since when did privacy become synonymous with secrecy?
It seems a little exploitative to say that this girlfriend, the secondary, should sacrifice her own sense of comfort, her boundaries and privacy just for the "intimacy" of a relationship she isn't even involved in. Why is the OP's need for detail and the security she finds in discussing the sex life of her husband and his gf more valid or important than the gf's desire for some discretion?
There is nothing wrong with sharing intimate details of your sex life or asking questions of others... but there is also nothing wrong with NOT asking or telling. It really is preference. No one should be judged based on their preference.
I personally wouldn't want a partner to share information or details of my sex life, and I am not the least bit ashamed. I am a classy girl. I don't fuck people so that someone else can enjoy the story later. Also, it takes away the intimacy. Might as well tape it.
It seems a little exploitative to say that this girlfriend, the secondary, should sacrifice her own sense of comfort, her boundaries and privacy just for the "intimacy" of a relationship she isn't even involved in. Why is the OP's need for detail and the security she finds in discussing the sex life of her husband and his gf more valid or important than the gf's desire for some discretion?
There is nothing wrong with sharing intimate details of your sex life or asking questions of others... but there is also nothing wrong with NOT asking or telling. It really is preference. No one should be judged based on their preference.
I personally wouldn't want a partner to share information or details of my sex life, and I am not the least bit ashamed. I am a classy girl. I don't fuck people so that someone else can enjoy the story later. Also, it takes away the intimacy. Might as well tape it.
serialmonogamist
New member
I think it would be interesting to just break it down to figuring out what the various issues are either way, openness or privacy. There's been a lot of assumptions and accusations in this thread, my own included. I'm mainly thinking about it from my own perspective, since I would enjoy having the freedom to openly talk about past experiences with a new partner.
I would assume, of course, that the new partner wouldn't be using the knowledge to harm the person I was talking about. If I thought that would happen, I would talk about the past experience with reference to an anonymous 'friend of a friend.' I just know that I would feel like I'd be over-dominating if I told an ex not to ever talk about anything we ever did with anyone else. I would expect her to take responsibility for it, though, if someone she discussed me with would use the information against me. It's no fun to be upset that everyone's gossiping about your fetishes and all your ex can say is, "Oh, sorry," with a little giggle of indifference and enjoyment of your humiliation (after all, you are their ex).
I see both sides of this. When a lover of tells me information of his sex life outside of me, I feel close to him. I feel an emotional intimacy between us. However, I do feel a little scared and vulnerable at the thought that somebody who is not directly my sexual partner would know what my lovemaking is like.
I enjoy a middle ground. My lovers and I do respect the privacy of sex, and we don't talk about details. But we do share general information. So I might say to Fred: "Ted and I tried using costumes in the bedroom, and I was aroused when wearing a pirate outfit." I can give Fred information about me, and how I reacted sexually to the situation. This increases our intimacy, and helps him know me better. But I don't have to go into detail about Ted's sexual response to the activity. That is Ted's information to share if he wants to.
Ted may tell me that he enjoys sex during thunderstorms. He can tell me that he had sex with Jennifer during the last storm. He doesn't have to describe the sound of her moans or her orgasm face. That would be too personal, because Jennifer and I don't have the relationship where we'd discuss that with each other.
I enjoy a middle ground. My lovers and I do respect the privacy of sex, and we don't talk about details. But we do share general information. So I might say to Fred: "Ted and I tried using costumes in the bedroom, and I was aroused when wearing a pirate outfit." I can give Fred information about me, and how I reacted sexually to the situation. This increases our intimacy, and helps him know me better. But I don't have to go into detail about Ted's sexual response to the activity. That is Ted's information to share if he wants to.
Ted may tell me that he enjoys sex during thunderstorms. He can tell me that he had sex with Jennifer during the last storm. He doesn't have to describe the sound of her moans or her orgasm face. That would be too personal, because Jennifer and I don't have the relationship where we'd discuss that with each other.
I don't know how I would feel in such a situation.
On the one hand, I understand anyone's need for privacy, and would want to respect that.
On the other hand, I've always talked about our sex lives with my girlfriends.
I always got my partners' permissions first, by which I don't mean getting the permission before everything, but getting a general "Yes, you can talk about our sex life with your friends." Seamus actually added "That's what girls do, anyway. I wouldn't feel right asking you not to." This being said, I don't say 100% of everything, and information is information I volunteer. I'm not answering questions.
So, I would say... if I knew his sex with other partners is a taboo subject... it would make me feel excluded from part of his life as a friend, since I discuss things like that openly with my friends. And as far as talking about sex with me, I actually wish he'd do it more.
He doesn't talk to his friends about that.
On the other hand, I can imagine if I had another partner, I wouldn't go talking about one to other. I mean, when I was with both Raga and Seamus, I didn't go comparing notes or anything. Still, I wasn't really keeping secrets, either.
In the end, I don't think I'd wait for him to get home from a date and go all, "So, what did you do? How was it?" or anything like that. But while talking about various things, I would expect things from his personal sexual experience to come up, as I know mine would come up too. And not just talking with him, talking with her, too, I'd want to be able to share that. It's one thing about a metamour, you can ask them about things nobody else would have experience with, or get advice from each other, or things like that, not just in a sexual context, but including in a sexual context.
On the one hand, I understand anyone's need for privacy, and would want to respect that.
On the other hand, I've always talked about our sex lives with my girlfriends.
I always got my partners' permissions first, by which I don't mean getting the permission before everything, but getting a general "Yes, you can talk about our sex life with your friends." Seamus actually added "That's what girls do, anyway. I wouldn't feel right asking you not to." This being said, I don't say 100% of everything, and information is information I volunteer. I'm not answering questions.
So, I would say... if I knew his sex with other partners is a taboo subject... it would make me feel excluded from part of his life as a friend, since I discuss things like that openly with my friends. And as far as talking about sex with me, I actually wish he'd do it more.
He doesn't talk to his friends about that.On the other hand, I can imagine if I had another partner, I wouldn't go talking about one to other. I mean, when I was with both Raga and Seamus, I didn't go comparing notes or anything. Still, I wasn't really keeping secrets, either.
In the end, I don't think I'd wait for him to get home from a date and go all, "So, what did you do? How was it?" or anything like that. But while talking about various things, I would expect things from his personal sexual experience to come up, as I know mine would come up too. And not just talking with him, talking with her, too, I'd want to be able to share that. It's one thing about a metamour, you can ask them about things nobody else would have experience with, or get advice from each other, or things like that, not just in a sexual context, but including in a sexual context.
serialmonogamist
New member
I think this is a big issue. Whereas a woman who found out her bf was bragging or otherwise gossiping about their sexual encounters would stereotypically dump and avoid him, men are stereotypically either accepting or ignorant of their gf talking about them and their sexuality with her girlfriends. Men who would try to prevent women from talking about them with their girlfriends would be viewed as controlling, I think, and dumped. It may be sexist, but I think there might be a double standard, where female gossip is seen as a natural part of feminine social behavior, while male gossip is viewed as rude and controlling.
It's possible that it's generally seen that way, but as I said, I would have expected the same, too. So I don't think that double standard is always there.
I think it has to do with the "man with a lot of experience = stud, female with a lot of experience = slut". Talking about a man's experiences (even with you) becomes a compliment (he's doing it, so he's a stud), while talking about a girlfriend's becomes an insult (she's doing it, so she's a slut).
I think it has to do with the "man with a lot of experience = stud, female with a lot of experience = slut". Talking about a man's experiences (even with you) becomes a compliment (he's doing it, so he's a stud), while talking about a girlfriend's becomes an insult (she's doing it, so she's a slut).
IndieSolo
Active member
Hmm... I'm curious why. What is it about someone else having an idea of how you like to fuck that brings up fear and vulnerability in you?
(I worded it as "having an idea," but not exactly knowing, mind you, because really, even if someone verbally told them every little detail about you, they wouldn't really know what it's like to fuck you unless they actually fucked you.)
polyexplorer
New member
I too can see both sides...
If my wife refused to talk at all about any encounters she had with someone else, I would feel disconnected from her. I don't want intimate details, but some general sharing helps us to connect, and I think is part of our intimacy.
Having said that, it is her right to withhold that information if she chooses. She can choose to not say anything at all. But in doing so, there will be a cost to this, a sense of disconnection between us.
I think it is unhealthy to need too much information to be disclosed, and I think it is equally unhealthy to feel like no information at all can be given.
If my wife refused to talk at all about any encounters she had with someone else, I would feel disconnected from her. I don't want intimate details, but some general sharing helps us to connect, and I think is part of our intimacy.
Having said that, it is her right to withhold that information if she chooses. She can choose to not say anything at all. But in doing so, there will be a cost to this, a sense of disconnection between us.
I think it is unhealthy to need too much information to be disclosed, and I think it is equally unhealthy to feel like no information at all can be given.
To me this is nothing more than another case of "treat others as you would would expect to be treated (or even slightly better at first just to err on the side of too much respect rather than not enough)".
But of course that doesn't make for heated debate because who would argue against it?
But of course that doesn't make for heated debate because who would argue against it?
Well that's the problem, though, as I said, I would WANT my partner to talk about me. But other people feel differently. That's why the "treat others as you would would expect to be treated" thing fails, because your "treated right" is someone else's "treated horribly" and vice-versa.
That's because some people can't wrap their minds around the idea that they are not the funicular center of the universe, and that what they do has an effect on people they claim to care about.
I would suggest that folks who like to freely share other people's private business would have a very different view when the shoe ends up on the other foot.
So I still say treat others as you would WANT them to treat you, which is not the same as "treat others the way you would TOLERATE them treating you". And if the other person's idea of "tolerable" is your idea of "horrible", then maybe you aren't compatible together in that kind of a relationship.
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...or you can talk to people and know what they like. I mean if you're a dom and your partner is a sub, obviously you're not treating them the way you'd want them to treat you at all, yet you're both happy, and certainly not incompatible. If your partner doesn't want things shared, don't share them, but rather than assume, talk about it, that's my point.
If I assumed my partners liked the same things I did, I would often treat them in ways they don't like. I certainly don't WANT to treat them that way; whatever THEY want is what matters, but if I don't ask them what they want and assumes they have the same tastes I do...
Just because I'd prefer my partners to talk about what I do with them in bed doesn't mean I'm not willing to keep it quiet if they don't want me to talk about it. Just because I don't like receiving oral sex doesn't mean I don't like to give it. And so on. If every person treated others the way they wanted to be treated, I think a lot of people would be miserable.
Also, treating people the way you'd want to be treated would mean treating everyone the same, and I believe you should treat your partners (as well as your friends, your family, etc.) differently from one another, because they're different people.
it seems a lot of people are already miserable. Is that because they are already treating others the way they want to be treated?
See, this borders on being insulting to my intelligence. Just because a gramatically correct sentence can be composed by a combination of certain words does not mean that particular sentence makes sense.
No of course it doesn't mean treating everyone exactly the same. I don't want to be treated the same BY everyone, so why would i treat everyone else exactly the same. You treat them the way you'd want to be treated in the relationship you have with that individual.
I think my IQ just dropped ten points while writing this.