New and confused (and tired)

[ClosetPoly]

Hello everyone,

I am now on the third day of my new life, after my partner (Vanilla) told me 2-3 weeks ago she was polyamorous, and loved one of my best friends (Jake). Thursday, all three of us sat down and talked about what we want, need, etc., and we decided to give this a go.

Now, I use the term "give this a go" very selectively. I do recognize that I am now in a mono-poly relationship where my partner has taken an OSO who also happens to be a very close friend of mine, but as I am extremely hypersensitive about my partner (but getting better), we have all agreed that a set of boundaries are necessary. For me, they are not to protect my heart, but to protect them against me pushing myself too quickly, then lashing out in jealousy and breaking the whole relationship. They are free to express their love with words and touch, but no kissing, and sex has never been an issue. Yes, I am very much aware that they are humans, hot blooded, and damn fine specimens, too. No, I'm not fooling myself. I do trust Vanilla when she tells me it's not an issue.

I know they both respect this, and both give the impression it's "safe" for them, too. I trust them not to break this boundary, and I trust them completely to come to me and ask if they want to push it before I am ready. I have made a promise to Vanilla that this level, these boundaries, are something I can live with forever, and will never deny her. Her appreciation for that promise has given me an extreme feeling of comfort, basically a safety net in case I stumble and fall, and can't, in the end, open up completely.

As I may have mentioned in my introduction, all three of us are quite similar, and make a great team in almost anything related to our prime interest, being computers and computer games. I see some fantastic evenings and weekends for us in the future, but right now they both require a lot of alone time to get the new-relationship-smell out of the car, so to speak. Both Vanilla and Jake are strongly indicating that they both want a group setting with me, where we can all feel safe, feel loved and be allowed to love. He in particular loves (for now) the energy between me and Vanilla, and it makes him feel safe and calm.

As I am a fragment bisexual, I don't have any issues with physical contact with other men, and it felt fantastic lying on the sofa for a while, cuddling, with my partner between us, my hand on his stomach, his hand on mine, and hers on top.

However, at this point, they have that new relationship energy flowing, which I don't, and I get restless and bored. When I then sit up and look at them being lost in each other, "jealousy" swells up and it hurts, and drains the "Wow, this relationship is giving me something, too" account. Strange thing is, I'm kinda okay with seeing them together, particularly when we're all together and doing something, like making food. I feel safe in a completely different way, that she will always be taken care of should something happen to me.

Vanilla has never been this happy in her life, and I am so happy for her. She has had a fairly rough life, and the last few years have been incredibly challenging, for both of us (outside issues, not between us). Her newfound happiness feeds directly back to me in all aspects of life. I do, however, also feel that it's difficult to talk about things that hurt me, because it steals her happiness away, making her worried about me, and worried about losing what she has now had a taste of. Jake, although a close friend of mine, at this stage is pretty useless to talk to, as well, as he's all butterflies and unicorns and happy.

So I am left wondering, apart from them having alone time to get it out of their system, what they CAN get out with the boundaries in motion? How do people deal with this? I try to focus my thoughts on:
- Her love for me only grows stronger from this.
- Love is in abundance, not scarcity (thanks, River).
- Their love cannot harm me in any way, but I can use it to harm myself.
- I trust and believe her in her choice of primary (safety net for me).
- I am fantastic, and I love myself.
- This is a fantastic opportunity to grow and expand in life.

I am still left sleepless at night, though, and restless during the day, feeling the struggle inside, deeply (and efficiently) programmed mono demons blasting through my head, fighting for their own survival, creating fear and paranoia, draining my energy, lowering my defenses and stabbing away at my heart, making me wanna scream and make it all go away. I know we've barely started this, and I can already see that I have an extremely comforting start, being surrounded by people who love me and care, and I do like the bigger picture, up ahead in the future, but I crave a sense of normality.

It's very difficult to create "normal" alone time when Jake comes to visit. Every time I leave the room, they cling to each other, and stop when I come back. I understand why, and I really think it's rather cute, but it is also feeding other demons, making it a drain, and I get a feeling of *really* being a bother and in the way, which, technically, I am.

I know this needs to be allowed to burn out, to slow down to the even cinder of normality.

Tomorrow we will try a different approach, where he will come pick her up, they go back to his place for isolated alone time. Then I join them a number of hours later. We team up a bit, then Vanilla and I go have dinner out. A whole new set of fears and anxiousness will most definitely pop up when I'm at home alone, but that's to be expected, I guess.

Anyone else recognize themselves in this, in any part at all? Am I just whining, when I probably have the potentially best start anyone can ask for? Or, is there any of this anyone else miss and I can be of help to? Right now, I'm at a fifty-fifty success estimate of this being possible to bring to a complete triad, but it will forever be a 100% chance of letting them have what they share now.

One very important experience I do, however, want to share is, DO NOT UNDERSTIMATE THE POWER OF PROPER SLEEP! If you are tired, and worn out, it takes SO much more strength to even cope with the thought of your partner with someone else, or on the flipside to understand what your mono partner is struggling with. You ARE allowed to go see a doctor or therapist and request help, which is what I'm doing Monday. The line "I need to get help sleeping, or I will ruin my relationship" is a good enough reason for most doctors to prescribe something light, but effective.

When tired, you WILL flail and lash out unintentionally, and you can NOT properly process what your partner, be it poly or mono, tells you. Unless you have the world's most patient partner, it WILL end badly. I thank the gods every day for giving me just that kind of partner.

 

[Erosa]

I am not practicing polyamory, so I can't really give practical advice. But I can say that something that may help you to relax (and get better sleep) is the knowledge that

1. You cannot own your partner, no matter how much you love them. They belong exclusively to themselves. Therefore, you are not responsible, or able, to control them.

2. You are a beautiful, powerful, wonderful being in your own right, regardless of what does or does not happen in your relationship, and your partner wants to be with you because of this. As long as you don't do anything to change the beauty that drew them in the first place, you won't lose them.

3. Love does not require reciprocity. In other words, loving your partner is for YOU. It is so YOU can express a powerful energy of acceptance and appreciation and feel the benefits of that. Love can be perfectly enjoyable without the person you love even KNOWING you love them. In this case, love can be a wonderful experience, even when you are not the only one that your partner shares this feeling with.

 

[ClosetPoly]

1. You cannot own your partner, no matter how much you love them. They belong exclusively to themselves. Therefore, you are not responsible for, or able to control them.

Thank you for pointing this out. This was one of my most important awakenings before going into this. I do not own her; she is not mine. She loves me intensely and purely, but she is not mine, therefore, I don't have any power over what she can or cannot do. The only thing I can do is to be true to myself and tell her what I can and cannot live with in my life.

2. You are a beautiful, powerful, wonderful being in your own right, regardless of what does or does not happen in your relationship. And your partner wants to be with you because of this. As long as you don't do anything to change that beauty that drew them in the first place, you won't lose them.

Thank you! I do love myself, but I'm lucky enough to have an amazing partner who loves me even more.

 

[redpepper]

It seems you are walking in the path of many others that are here on this forum. I see nothing amiss, really. In fact, you seem to be far more aware than most who come here starting out.

One thing that I would add: as well as not underestimating the power of sleep, do not underestimate the power of time and the power of their love.

Just a reminder also that if they break a boundary, be gentle with them. Try and find some strength. They are dealing with some strong emotions. Good intentions aside, the strength of those emotions can be overwhelming. Remember your boundaries are fluid and there will likely be some pushing sooner than you would prefer. Time for them is moving faster than it is for you, I would wager.

If you haven't already read them, there are some good threads here if you do a tag search for "foundations" and "lessons."

 

[Carma]

Hi CP,

Welcome.

You asked "does anyone recognize themselves in this?" and to that I say, "oh yeah!" This forum got us through the early stages of poly. We began in October 2010.

Congratulations on being willing to explore loving more. Your partner is lucky to have you!

 

[ClosetPoly]

You are walking in the path of many others that have been and are here on this forum. I see nothing amiss. You seem to be far more aware than most who come here starting out.

Hi, Redpepper. Thanks for your kind words. I'm afraid I have already proven myself unworthy of my own descriptions. I jump and flail all over the board, while they are calm and loving. I think it's starting to dawn on me that the boundaries I've said I'm okay with, I'm really not. And it will take me a long time to get there. I have major insecurity issues, but I get some comfort reading other threads and posts here. I will look for the tags you shared, and read what I can find.

Once again, I feel I have put myself into their relationship, and that's just plain wrong. That's the express way of hurting myself, and I have decided to pull back. i.e., alone time = alone time; group time = doing something as a group. There's been a mix lately, which just tears me apart, and I lash out at Vanilla afterwards, for no apparent reason. I keep talking about time, but I'm the only one not giving this time. Starting now, I have given myself time, and I will not push myself or them in any direction. That goes in my rulebook.

Thank you so much for this forum. It's SO good to read threads of success. It gives me hope.

 

[ClosetPoly]

You asked "anyone recognize themselves in this?" and to that I say, "oh yeah!"
This forum got us through the early stages of poly. We began in October 2010.

Feel free to share some details of your set up, start, relationship, etc., I would love to hear how it started, what it felt like, challenges you had, how you worked around them, etc. Feel free to drop me a private message, if you prefer.

Thank you!

 

[redpepper]

I have already proven myself unworthy of my own descriptions. I jump and flail all over the board, while they are calm and loving. The boundaries I've said I'm okay with, I'm really not, and it will take me a long time to get there. I have major insecurity-issues.
I've put myself into their relationship, and that's just plain wrong. That's the express-way of hurting myself, and I have decided to pull back. Alone time = alone time, group time = doing something as a group. There's been a mix, which just tears me apart, and I lash out... I keep talking about time, but I'm the only one not giving this time. Starting now, I have given myself time, and I will not push myself or them in any direction. That goes in my rulebook.

As I said, I see nothing amiss. One thing poly gives us is the chance to be real. That isn't always pretty. Glad to hear you are being patient with yourself and giving yourself time.