I think my wife might ruin a great friendship

J

joedirte

New member
My wife Bella and I are kind of new to the poly life. We have a great friend we've hung out with 1-3 times a week, Cooper. We've traveled with him once in a while for the last 2 years.

Bella has always liked him, but has now started to have feelings for him and told him. Cooper also likes her, but was very about our friendship and didn't want to do anything to hurt it. Long story short, they went on a date and he fell head over heels for her. But she thinks she made a mistake in telling him she liked him and going on the date.

We thought if she didn't go out with him, the feelings would have only gotten bigger, but now that she has, it might crush him, because he's really really into her. We are new to poly, so we are barely learning to deal with our feelings. But now I think we might really hurt the third.
 
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My best suggestion for both of you is read read read. There are lots of posts about this.

Ceoli recently had a thread about being a "third" and how painful and hard that can be. Mono has tons of writing about how well he's been cared for, loved and treated as a "third."

Check those two posters' threads first, then search.

HONESTY, COMMUNICATION, COMPASSION, and CONSIDERATION are key ingredients. If you want to add someone, you have to be willing to prioritize their needs/feelings/desires, not just your own.

Good luck!
 
Everything is fine with us. I am worried about the third. It`s hard to tell someone it might have been a mistake bringing them in.
 
That's not easy to hear/do in any format of relationship. It needs to be done sensitively, and you may well lose the friendship, but I hope that won't stop you taking a chance on new love in the future.

One question: is this the first time you have attempted to *start a meaningful relationship* with someone outside your marriage? If so, be really sure that the change of heart on your wife's part isn't about some other uncertainty to do with living poly. It might be crushing for your friend to deal with the rejection, but the real damage would come if she then changed her mind again and decided she wants him after all.

BTW, I (*) the words in the above paragraph because you described Bella escalating the relationship with Cooper as "bringing him in". One of the things that has helped me and my metamour (my bf's wife) is realising that the relationship they each have with me is unique and special (as is the relationship they have together, still), and not just an enhancement to their relationship. Does that make sense? I guess it might not help you, but as someone quite new to this too, I thought I would offer the example up, if it helps. :) Good luck.
 
Tia said:
That's not easy to hear/do in ANY format of relationship. It needs to be done sensitively, and you may well lose the friendship, but I hope that won't stop you taking a chance on new love in the future.
One question, is this the first time you have attempted to *start a meaningful relationship* with someone outside your marriage? If so, be really sure that the change of heart on Belle's part isn't about some other uncertainty to do with living poly. It might be crushing for Cooper to deal with the rejection, but the real damage would come if Belle then changed her mind again and decided she wanted him, after all.
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We/she tried before we got married a couple years ago. That's when we first heard about poly. Bella was dating two guys. (I was one.) She wanted to be open with both of us. I agreed. He didn't (maybe b/c he hated me).

Years passed. We got this mutual friend, and that's how this started.

She said Cooper was different when it was just them alone, and she liked him when he was just hanging out with the both of us. She said she would give him a few more chances to see where it went, but it didn't look good. Worst of all, it seems he's really falling for her.

Tia said:
You described Bella escalating the relationship with Cooper as "bringing him in". One of the things that has helped me and my "metamour" (my bf's wife) is realising that the relationship they each have with me is unique and special (as is the relationship they have together, still), and not just an enhancement to their relationship. Does that make sense?
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I feel strange, in a way. As a man, I want to be the only one for my wife. On the other hand, Coop's my friend and I feel bad for him. We kind of wish this never happened.
 
Just a thought. But if you're wishing this never happened, it's probably better to stop it now than give it a few more chances. If Cooper continues to fall for Bella, while she feels nothing romantically for him, that's just leading him on. And that's a sure way to ruin a friendship. Just be honest with him. Most people would rather a little honest pain now, than to get invested in something and have a world of pain, plus dishonesty dumped on top, later.
 
joedirte said:
Everything is fine with us. I am worried about the third. It`s hard to tell someone it might have been a mistake bringing them in.
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I agree with Tia. "Bringing him in" sounds a little presumptuous. Perhaps if you take this route again, with someone that Jess or you actually has romantic thoughts for, you could think of the person as your equal, rather than someone who is "brought into" your relationship.

Part of success in a poly relationship seems to be mutual respect. We are all equal within it, regardless of status. A secondary is an equal, as much as a tertiary or a primary. Equal respect, care, rights. It can't be any other way, or it implodes.

My bf Mono is going to disagree with me on this, I think, as he enjoys his "lesser than" status in regards to my husband, whom he sees as primary. He's used to hierarchy in his career and feels comfortable within that. (It's a bit BDSM, really, as according to him, I own him. Mistress Redpepper. lol)
 
redpepper said:
It's a bit BDSM really, as according to him, I own him. lol
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Haha! You're right. I do disagree. But I don't see being treated "equal" as the important thing. It is being treated fairly.

The more a partner puts into the relationship, in terms of the standard family stuff, or on an emotional level, the more consideration should be given to their opinion, to decisions about the future and so on. I don't think the needs of secondaries or tertiaries who put in less should have an equal amount of influence. If that were the case, this would create a disproportionate weight to the level of contribution.

I would be rather disturbed if a tertiary who was rarely present, and only in specific ways, entered our chosen family and had the same influence as I did., especially in light of the heat I take as the public face of your polyamorous lives. Yeah, I'd have issues with that.

Why can't people accept that being treated fairly doesn't mean being treated the same?

This was a total tangent, BTW! Sorry.
 
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I can agree with the change of words from "equal" to "fair." "Fair," to me, means that you are treated proportionally to the work you put into something. All are steps to being "equal."

However, you, my love, have TONS of influence in what we do as a family. We could not ever be the same without you and your influence. To say that you are not equally considered in all that we do would be a lie. Every move we make together we consider you in it. You may not be here to raise our child, pay our mortgage, and work a job to contribute, but your place within our family is established, and that is the pay-off of being the poster child for our polyamory to the rest of our family.

I hope it's worth it, because we know you are. I think you think so too, because you wouldn't deal with it all if you didn't. Sorry for this hijack.
 
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Why can't people accept that being treated fairly doesn't mean being treated the same?
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You just summed up my personal political position and all the issues I have with modern liberal policies in one sentence, lol.

joedirte, that is ROUGH, man. A few years ago, one of the best friendships I have ever had was ruined by a not-quite-the-same situation. No poly was involved. His gf kept hitting on me when he wasn't around and I was held responsible for it.

The three of you really need to sit down and talk this out, soon, and at length.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
Why can't people accept that being treated fairly doesn't mean being treated the same?
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If we could post this on signs everywhere it would make my day! Every person is so different. We need the privilege of being treated fairly, not equally.

God forbid my 2-year old be allowed to borrow her auntie's car, something perfectly reasonable for my 18 year old. Fair, but certainly not equal.
 
Hmm... I would like to argue that being treated equally doesn't mean being treated the same, either! Equal consideration to my emotions, even if, as in the case that Mono cites, I have less time invested in the family, so I would need/want/have earned less involvement in family decisions.

Extreme example: I wouldn't get to choose the kid's school, but you wouldn't up and leave for the other side of the world to live without considering what it would do to me. Equal respect, etc.

I don't want or expect to be treated the same as anyone, but I would like to think I am treated with equal fairness, I guess you could say. So we are really saying the same thing Mono, just using different words.
 
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