Which way to turn?

Like I said Karma, the pain fades....It will always hurt, but the pain will dull after a while.

Help your friend. She was nice enough to help you...right? So repay the favor. You may well be jumping in....even though you don't realize it. ;) Good luck man. Warm thoughts your way.
Regards
 
Earlier tonight a riend of mine posted someting on facebook that read "I don't hate you, I'm just disappointed that you turned into everything that you said you never would."

Yeah. I'm there.
 
Don't take that as a totally bad thing. Maybe what you said you would never turn into, is actually a good thing....That you were rebelling against before. ;)
 
She was actually posting it in reference to her ex ;) It just reminded my of a certain someone...
 
Not much to really update. We just got back from Ohio. It was a nice switch to come home and have Karma here to help me unpack instead of running out the door to keep someone happy. We got everything put away. He made plans to see Dancer, but she was really sick and sent me a message to let him know she was going to bed. I was disapointed for him. I had made him a dessert to take to her as he was to make her dinner. I really want things to work out for them. Seems busy schedules will haunt us no matter who we date.

Karma is camping this weekend and I have the house to myself. Since we took care of all the unpacking I really have nothing to do other than a few loads of laundry. Updated my OKC account. I've neglected it for quite awhile. Mostly b/c I don't need someone else. If they come along, great, but I'm not going to hunt someone down. Plus Karma and I had a long talk about how selective I have to be. He's worried that someone I don't 'know' won't get all that comes with my medical stuff. Karma can read me, he knows what hurts and how to approach it. If my back hurts he holds my hand instead of hugging me, he knows how to adjust what we do in the bedroom based on what hurts that day. We've had 9 yrs of working all this out. There's a lot of work that would go in to dating someone new that isn't already aware of things.

I dunno, just the random thoughts floating in my head.

On a side note, I'm calling monday to make an appt with an endocrinologist. The last round of strict diet and exercise and very little result had Karma making me see that there really isn't anything I can do. I know I need to lose weight in order to feel better, have less fibro flare, and overall be healthier. But if the right way to do it isn't working my options are to go back to the way of the dancer, something I promised Karma I would never do again, or go see the Dr and find out what is going on. I have hope, they were able to finaly get my female issues under control and give me a sex drive again, so who knows, maybe some more tests and another magic pill will regulate whatever other chemicals are out of whack. I'm confident in who I am no matter what my size, but I know this isn't healthy and I know the fibro is better when I am smaller. Now to just get there.


Oh and something I have been wondering, is it easier to fnd someone when involved in the local poly groups? Karma and I have never really enjoyed organized groups. But am I setting up for failure thinking I'll find someone in the real world who can handle me being married?
 
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Mohegan said:
The last round of strict diet and exercise and very little result had Karma making me see that there really isn't anything I can do. I know I need to lose weight in order to feel better, have less fibro flare, and overall be healthier. But if the right way to do it isn't working my options are to go back to the way of the dancer, something I promised Karma I would never do again, or go see the Dr and find out what is going on.
Click to expand...

In the meantime, don't stress about the weight, but do the excersises. Just building muscle, endurance and lung capacity will make you healthier, even if you don't lose any weight till the docs get things worked out. It does make a difference. I imagine the dancer's way is not healthy and therefore may do more harm than good.

Love having the house to myself :D
 
I've been having the same issues with finding someone to date as well. I'm pretty selective, and it sometimes seems the more I am "looking" for it, the less chance I will have to find it.

I check my OK Cupid account once a week or so, just so that it's out there, and I hope that someday someone will pop up I click with.

I can only imagine that having medical issues makes this a lot tougher.

I'm going to ask something a bit nosy, feel free to ignore it if you like :) But have you considered going grain-free? Not sure, you may very well have, I just know a couple of people with fibromyalgia for whom that helped. And nightshades (tomatoes, peppers, etc) can be an issue for those with autoimmune issues as well. I know there is a LOT involved with it, but that one step did give them some relief. Just tossing that out there...
 
SNeacail said:
In the meantime, don't stress about the weight, but do the excersises. Just building muscle, endurance and lung capacity will make you healthier, even if you don't lose any weight till the docs get things worked out. It does make a difference. I imagine the dancer's way is not healthy and therefore may do more harm than good.

Love having the house to myself :D
Click to expand...

Yeah starvation and constant activity are not the healthiest way to live. I didn't workout much in ohio mostly because we on the go the whole time I was there. I've had some vacation recovery time and plan to start back to working out tomorrow. I love my body no matter what it's size, and I want to be able to depend on it, no matter what its size.

Minxxa said:
I've been having the same issues with finding someone to date as well. I'm pretty selective, and it sometimes seems the more I am "looking" for it, the less chance I will have to find it.

I check my OK Cupid account once a week or so, just so that it's out there, and I hope that someday someone will pop up I click with.

I can only imagine that having medical issues makes this a lot tougher.

I'm going to ask something a bit nosy, feel free to ignore it if you like :) But have you considered going grain-free? Not sure, you may very well have, I just know a couple of people with fibromyalgia for whom that helped. And nightshades (tomatoes, peppers, etc) can be an issue for those with autoimmune issues as well. I know there is a LOT involved with it, but that one step did give them some relief. Just tossing that out there...
Click to expand...

no problem with nosy, I'm an open book. Unfortunately, I've gone grain free with no change, and surprisingly nightshade help my pain instead of increase. That is what is the hardest thing for me, my body will more often then not defy whatever it is science or studies or plain common sense has to say. Thanks for the idea though. I don't mind ideas when people aren't pushy, cuz you never know, maybe one day someone will have an idea that works. It only bothers me when people push and say "this will work cuz it worked for so and so." Which you didn't do, so thank you!
__________________________________________________________

I realised this weekend how far I have really come. While in Ohio Karma had the possibility of sleeping with a friend of ours. He asked if I was okay with it, and surprise to me I was! I was more nervouse that I'd change my mind than I was over him actualy doing it. Things didn't work out, but I'm glad that we had the experience. I now can completely trust that he'll ask and respect my answer, and I can be assured that I'll be okay with it.

I am also, somewhat selfishly, enjoying reading the "new to poly" posts. Mostly because in a few I see the me of a yr ago. So raw in the pain and craziness of it all. And here I am on the other side.

I can confidently say a marriage can survive poly after affairs. I have more trust in Karma now, than ever before in our 9 yrs together. Our marriage is stronger, I am stronger. Karma and I both learned so much about ourselves and eachother in the last year.

This is the first time he went to a campout and I not only wasn't worried that he'd cheat, I was half expecting a call asking if he could play around with someone.

Such a change!! I used to dread campouts. Always afriad he'd cheat, knowing that he had. For once I had none of that fear! I trusted that if opportunity presented itself, he's react as we had agreed. It's not even really permission as much as full honesty. It's more of a check and balance system as he tends to be a male and think with the other head. It's our way of him checking in and saying hey I wanna do this, do you mind and is it a good idea? Mostly because there are a few scenarios where he's wanted to and not stopped to think about the consequences (crazy chick, rebounds, etc).


Anyway...it's just nice to be on the other side. To fully trust him again, to be where I don't worry about campout weekends, to half expect the phone call saying he wants to.

I am so proud of us and so in love with him and who he's become.

And with a 3.0 this semester and asking my dad for advice on something he did in class, he's also come a long way in gaining back my parents trust.
 
Today was a great day. But first, some catching up.

During our trip to Ohio, my brother and I had a long conversation about Panda, why she's so upset with me, and basically how I had no idea how much I had hurt her by, in her mind, replacing her with Cricket. Add to this how I either ignored everything she told me about the situation there or actively argued and got hostile with her... yeah. In a nutshell, I pulled away from her at the point she needed me the most, after dropping the bomb of "Hey, I have a GF now" in her lap and not even realizing that she did, in fact, have serious feelings for me, and that realization hurt like hell. I've recently been trying to fix that, but damn... that woman breathes fire every little bit as much as I do, and she's harboing a LOT of pain towards me. And seeing as how this is 90% my fault... yeah, I get to shut up and take it for now.

Five days after said conversation, my brother had a nervous breakdown over everything his ex GF put him through, from the fact that she was cheating on him while carrying his child, to the miscarriage, to the fact that she dumped him over facebook with a message that was 2 sentences long... he snapped. I realized quickly that he was going to get violent, and it was going to be directed at either me or his BF, so after he spit on BF, I told the poor boy to go home... and my brother exploded.

We're both accomplished fighters. We're both trained in Muay Thai. We both know each other's fighting style extremely well. It was pretty brutal and nasty.

He has a broken hand and a black eye that extends over his left cheekbone. I was a bloody mess, with a badly busted lip and my own matching black eye, neither of which have healed to this day. But honestly, I know he was out of his fucking mind at that moment, and I'd rather he lose it like that on me than anyone else - I know I can take it, and I know we'll be OK after it's over. Which it was. 30 minutes after it ended, he was apologizing over and over again for what he had done... it actually got kinda old :) He and I are fine now, he and BF are fine now, and his brain is in a better place. I still want to set his ex GF on fire though...

So I came home two days after the fight, got a day and a half of recovery, and then went to a darkon campout where I NPCed for the group running the campout. NPCing basically means that the entire game is going to be beating on you the whole time! I loved it, but I came home with even more bruises and lumps. Two days later, I went to Tuesday Night Fights, the roughest practice in the area, and whooped more ass, collected more bruises :) I seem to be attempting to cover my whole body in shades of blue and green, but I swear I'm loving every second of it (except for the part with my brother. That sucked.) Tonight I went out to fight at ANOTHER practice... and it was storming! I was untouchable tonight, to the tune that I came home with a (disappointing?) lack of bruises, and ended up getting into a grappling match with one of the best fighters in the game after we both lost our weapons due to the rainy conditions. This quickly degenerated into a series of throw and counter-throw that had no real winner and no real advantage gained on either side, but still managed to stop practice because people were watching the show :)

Been spending a lot of time lately strengthening new friendships and renewing old ones, as well. This has been.... suprisingly easy, actually. When I'm not a depressed, drama-filled mess dealing with issues and heartbreaks, apparently I'm a lot more approachable. Go figure, right?

But the kicker for today... so, Dancer was at the campout Friday night, performing. After her dancing, we were hanging out, and apparently she grabbed my ass... and I was too drunk to remember it! :) So today she got ahold of me on facebook and was apologizing for it, like she did something wrong :)

I teased her mercilessly. Then Mo sent her a message saying that she encourages the idea of my ass being grabbed by certain drunk belly dancers :)

We will see where this leads to... still approaching this with the idea of taking it slow, but maybe Dancer has other ideas, even if she only acts on them while drunk ;)
 
So I just spend the last hour or so talking to Cricket's former best friend on facebook. Words cannot describe how incredibly liberating this conversation has been! :)

I've always questioned, in the back of my mind, if I was seeing things correctly, if all my friends were telling me that Cricket changed and kinda went nuts was just them trying to make me feel better. Not the case! One of the first things she mentioned was that Cricket "Definitely isn't the same person I knew and loved anymore."

I'M NOT FUCKING CRAZY!!!!! :D
 
I got an e-mail last night from a man that was once in my life. He's apparently been watching my FB page and waiting for something to comment on. I posted pictures of Karma at practice last week and suddenly I have a message from this guy asking about darkon and how one gets involved.

I started to close that album, as I have all my others long ago. But decided against it. I feel safe knowing he has seen the men in my life beat eachother with weapons, for fun.

But I was left with a night of emotions. Anger, flashbacks, being ill, frustration that it was even bothering me. I thought I held dealt with all of this 3 yrs ago when I confronted him. It no longer haunts me, I no longer have panic attacks, I no longer have the issues I had, I thought it had long ago died. But no. One look at his picture and the message attached and I was a wreck.

Karma was amazing. Unsure of what to do for me, he asked. It meant so much to not have the typical smothering, but instead for him to ask me what I needed. He held me, then didn't, then did. He got me meds. And then he talked to me about Darkon weapons until I fell asleep. He made sure I knew I could wake him up. I didn't need to. I woke up quite a bit, but I have no idea if my poor sleep was just because I couldn't sleep or if there were nightmares I couldn't remember. Regardless, he took care of me again when I woke up.

I was still angry at myself for being this worked up. He's hours away. He doesn't know where I live. But the fact that he had the balls to contact me again creeped me out and upset me.

We were supposed to go to B-day party, but between the little sleep and being a wreck of emotion I figured a bar with a bunch of people I didn't know, wasn't a good place for me. After dinner and some chilling out I realised what I needed was alone time. So I told Karma he could leave and I think he took the hint, cuz he was gone shortly there after.

And then irony of all irony, I read what Cricket wrote. I used to tell her quite often that she chose whether she was a victim or a survivor and no one else could decide that but her. And here I was allowing him to make me a victim again.

So I did some meditating. Listened to a lot of music. And worked out what I had to say.

I don't care if he was only trying to make small talk or rebuild broken bridges or if he really was being a creepy stalker. When confronted 3 yrs ago, all he had to say for himself was "Sorry". Well Fuck your sorry.

I copied the poem I wrote 3yrs ago along with a message telling him that he was told once to never contact me again, this time he better listen.

At first I was worried, what if he had changed. What if he was reaching out to make amends. What if by him reading that poem I sent him into some kind of emotional downslide. He has a wife and a newborn daughter.

But I reminded myself that I cannot live on what ifs. I've lived with this for 10 yrs. He is an abuser and had he not passed out seconds before, he'd have been a rapist as well. According to my therepist, he is a rapist. She said he didn't need to put his penis in me to leave scars. In some ways she's right. As learned last night, the scars are definitaly there. He deserves to know what he put me through. And he deserves to know that I chose long ago to not be broken by his actions.

So fuck you Frat Boy, and thank you Cricket for reminding me to be a survivor. I doubt that was what you intended in your post, but I still believe everything happens for a reason.

Frat Boy-written fall of 2009

I closed you off
Completely forgotten
the fear you inflicted
I was defenseless
Why am I so caring
I didn't want you to hurt someone
On the road
So I let you
Hurt me instead
But I forgot
I put you away
With other memories
I locked the lock and lost the key


I always related to victims but
I didn't know why
I remembered what you did
but it was an emotionless memory
Except for the panic
To this day I have panic attacks
after sex
This is your fault
I locked part of me away
because of you
I cared and you hurt me
And now you are back
Like nothing happened
You've forgotten what you did
What right do you have
to ask me
Do I remember the good times?
No!
I remember your heavy
body crushing me
I remember the panic
And the realization
I remember drunken kisses and
Clutzy grabs for my clothes
how my hands grabbed at your
arms
Trying to push you away
My legs kicking
Stop, don't upset him
It'll be worse
I still have a chance

Your weight is crushing me
into the cushions of the couch
I will die here.
I will be engulfed by the cushions and smothered in your chest
Somehow we are on the floor
I don't remember
how'd that happen

But you are on top of me again
There is no cushion now
Your weight threatens to break my ribs into the floor
I start to panic.
I can't breathe
I keep telling you no
And you don't listen
grabbing for my clothes.

Thankfully you are to drunk
for co ordination
I begin to resign myself
to what is about to happen
to float away
To know that if I don't fight. It will be over quickly
And I'll be able to breathe again
And suddenly you stop moving
You've passed out
on top of me
You are twice as big as I am
covering me like a blanket
I rejoice that it is over
I suck in air but your weight wont allow
my lungs to expand
I try to move you
I fail
And you awaken
Move
I tell you
I have to pee
And you do and I am free
I lock the bathroom door and cry
heaving in air

What will I do?
You're still in the house
And again
I care too much
But for others not you
I lay down on the floor beside you
So I know when you leave
I will know then
To call the cops
and tell them you're drunk
but not what you did to me
I don't know why

But you are sober when you leave
I shower and cry and lay in bed and cry
And I lock you away
I forget about you
I erase you from my mind

I remember what you did
but not how it felt
Not enough to know
why
it sickens me to kiss my drunk husband
The man who will never hurt me
The man who loves me
You were between us
and
I didn't know it
You are why
the taste of beer
on his lips
makes me ill
I didn't know it

Until you reappear
Until now
Almost 8yrs later
And treat me like a peice of meat
we're both married
and yet you bring up the past
how we had sex
what I liked
How the FUCK would you know?!
I tell you about that night
I tell you what you did to me
I refresh your memory
All you can say is sorry
Sorry! You're Fucking sorry?
All the emotions come back
the fear
the helplessness the panic
And now I know
that you never killed yourself drinking and driving
I don't know why I cared
but I don't anymore
nothing has changed
your still the same
fucking frat boy
who can't define
NO
 
Big hugs to you Mo...big hugs.

I hate idiots like this. They infuriate me, as they ruin beautiful women, and turn them into crying heaps of mush which are still beautiful, but broken. I honestly wish I could offer you more comfort, but across the miles and miles, and the internet..it's difficult. My appologies.

But please remember, this guy had NO RIGHT to do what he did to you. He is scum and should be reminded of this on a daily (or more preferably minute by minute) basis.

When the time comes....His judgement will be rendered...and his punishment will come.

Good and warm feelings are headed your way. (May take a while to arrive because of the miles involved, but rest assured they are coming. ;)
 
Mohegan said:
I got an e-mail last night from a man that was once in my life. He's apparently been watching my FB page and waiting for something to comment on. . . . But I was left with a night of emotions. Anger, flashbacks, being ill, frustration that it was even bothering me. I thought I held dealt with all of this 3 yrs ago when I confronted him. It no longer haunts me, I no longer have panic attacks, I no longer have the issues I had, I thought it had long ago died. But no. One look at his picture and the message attached and I was a wreck.
Click to expand...
I hope you blocked him. I am very careful about who can find me on FB, because there are people from my past whom I definitely do not want contacting me. I suggest doing all those little security things that keep your pictures and profile from being seen by people who are not Friends, or Friends of Friends. Unless someone has my current email address or knows someone I have Friended, they cannot find me on FB and I like it that way. Then I don't have to feel like I'm looking over my shoulder.
 
Thanks everyone. Doing better after getting some sleep. Just fighting a migraine and some lingering emotion. I know he can't hurt me again. I know I am safe. I know I have processed and dealt with a great deal of it all. He can only hurt me know if I let him.

I do have my profile set to private and all but that one album as well. He can't see any information. He was able to message me b/c I have set to friends of friends. And he and I worked at a camp together so we have several friends in common.

I think most of it came from him not being on mind in so long. After I confronted him it was pretty much dead and gone. I was expecting Karma to be responding to our disagreement. When the little flag popped up saying I had a message, I just assumed it was him.

Karma is all that is good in my life and that ass is the complete opposite. It was a shock to the system to have it be him and not my husband. And then I was angry. Who the hell does he think he is to contact me after all that time. After our last conversation being what it was. And then the realisation that he had to have been waiting for a reason. He had to have been checking my page waiting to see if I posted something he could see.

I'm more angry than anything right now. Angry that I let it get to me, angry that he felt it was okay to contact me, angry that he didn't even bother to address the last conversation, just a cold message about the pictures. Fuck him.

That's where I am right now. Fuck him. He's nothing but a drunk asshole frat boy.
 
Frat Boy has been blocked. I sent the poem along with a message telling he could have all the pain, confusion, panic attacks, flash backs, all of. I was done carrying it around. 10 yrs was long enough. It was his turn.

Karma was amazing. Sat beside me the whole time. Holding me, holding my hands when I shaking to hard to type.

He's been blocked. So I have no idea if he intended to reply or not. But I think the point was made.

It took a few days to get my head back on straight. And again my husband was amazing. He held me everynight. Waited for me to initiate things between us. Told me how proud he was of me. How strong I am.

I guess sometimes I need to be reminded of that.

So I'm doing pretty good. Other than I over did my workout. I wasn't feeling anything from my upper body work out so I ended up doing 50 bicep curls (5# weight) as well as a ton of other things. I'm paying for it today. Can't move my arms without horrific pain. And somehow I have to go grocery shopping today. I think as much as he hates it, Karma is going to have come along.

I'm slightly irked with him though. :) We've been alternating ballet and pilates for the last 3 weeks, and I haven't seen any changes. I can feel them. I feel the flexibility change and my muscles tighten up. But nothing visual. My darling husband on the other hand. Has pretty much lost his little belly that I adore. His pants are falling off his little ass and he has the starts of a 6 pack emerging. It's always been there, just not so defined. I know men tighten up and show change faster. I also know I have about 100#'s on him so I've got alot more fat to fight through to really see a change. But damnit I want to see a change! :) I'm happy for him, but still slightly irritated.

He and dancer are still just friends. She's dealing with quite a bit a the moment. I'm not sure if she'll ever let herself be okay with the chemistry they have. But the friendship there is a good one.

Nothing really new in my dating pool. OKC is breeding more and more idiots. More propositions for random sex, more guys that are just not my type. It's flattering, I guess, to be asked so often to meet someone for sex. But so not my thing. I pretty much just check it to keep it current. I don't think internet dating is my thing. I'm shy around people I don't know, even if they are on the otherside of a screen. If I meet anyone it will most likely be from a random face to face encounter. But most of those are with Karma, which immediatly tells people "she's married and off the market". I've gotten to the point of well if it happens it happens. It's really no different than dating while single. The right one will come along when they are intended to. And until then I have plenty of things in my life to keep me busy.
 
"Don’t Take Anything Personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” ~ Don Miguel Ruiz
 
In talking with Karma tonight, I realized that it takes a certain type of strength to be able to forgive people, that some people just do not posess. I find it interesting that so many seek to be forgiven for their sins, but do not offer the same to others.

We had a long talk about Panda and Cricket tonight. I didn't know that it still hurts him as much as it does. It bothers me that I don't have the magic words to make everything all better. I wish I did.
 
Mo, My own wife, cotton candy, is realizing that I am still hurting by our break up with S & D. (Mainly by our break up with D) She knows it hurts, and that nothing she says will help with my pain. However, she still comforts me, and tries to only speak well of D, and not remind me of the bad times.

So, yes, Karma will be in pain for some time. Nothing you say will really take that pain away, but when you speak of Cricket, try to remind him of the good times, as well as WHY they are broken up. remind him that you are not upset with him or his actions. Let him know that you understand and are there for him....always. ;) He will appreciate it.
 
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