A newly-formed triad jealousy issue

[Cirxe]

- My husband Ben and I have been together for almost four years, married last October, 2010.

- My girlfriend Sky and I have been best friends since school.

- We formed a triad in early April.

While I've had several jealousy moments, I've talked about them with both involved parties. I have tried to work through them, with some success, but I've recently realized there's something else nagging at me. It really bothers me when they have sex without my permission beforehand. This is the only thing I can really think of.

For example, tonight, Ben and Sky slept on the bed and I slept on the floor. I had trouble sleeping and heard them kissing and whispering, but didn't really hear anything else after that and fell asleep. I woke up two hours later to a soda can being opened up and her saying that she had finished.

This bothered me. I really wish it didn't, and I'm trying to figure out why. The fact is, I might not be ready for them to be having sex without my knowledge/permission. I want to get to that point, I really do. I think it's worth working for. I'm just not sure how. I feel like I'm whining if I bring it up. I know it's unhealthy, but I'm still inclined not to say anything. Or maybe I'm annoyed that I woke up to see I'd missed the fun. I have been awake since. I can't go back to sleep because I'm annoyed and starving.

I hope this is enough information. Thanks to anyone who can give me some advice. I'd appreciate it.

 

[clairegoad]

It really bothers me when they have sex without my permission beforehand. Ben and Sky slept on the bed and I slept on the floor. I heard them kissing and whispering, but didn't really hear anything else after that and fell asleep. I woke up two hours later to a soda can being opened up and her saying that she had finished.

This bothered me. I really wish it didn't. I might not be ready for them to be having sex without my knowledge/permission. I want to get to that point. I think it's worth working for.

So, within your triad, they need to ask each time they have sex? Would your answer change, or do you want to be involved every time?

You don't mention how long they've know each other, and how well.

Would you want them to wake you up to ask if they can have sex? I realize they accidentally did, but would you have been too disturbed to go back to sleep if they did?

One great gift of my partners is that they each allow the other time alone with me, for shopping, chatting, having coffee together, etc., not just snuggling. Sex is very different when both partners are being quiet. They are building a relationship also, and the stronger their relationship, the stronger the triad.

 

[ClosetPoly]

Sky and Ben slept on the bed and I slept on the floor.

This would be the first thing I would change. If you know they are going to have sex, if they are in the same bed, either BE in the bed or leave the room. If the bed only fits two people, get a bigger bed. Seriously. A triad is inclusive, not exclusive.

The second thing would be to talk to them about it, but write down your feelings and sort them out first. Find a good way to explain what you would like to change, and how you would like to change it. If your goal is to reach a complete acceptance, see if you can shape that into steps of a plan. The go to them with the plan and talk through it.

 

[BlackUnicorn]

Hullo and welcome!

It seems jealousy is most often motivated by fear, usually by a fear of not being needed anymore, of being replaced or rejected.

Since you are new, how often do you spend time and have sex in pairs, or does it always happen in a threeway context?

 

[TruckerPete]

Is this a rule for everyone? Do you and Sky need to ask Ben's permission to have sex? (You said triad, so that would mean you're also involved with her as an individual, not just as part of the group.) Do you and Ben need to ask Sky's permission to have sex?

 

[zylya]

Out of interest, why were you on the floor?

 

[redpepper]

Triads indicate that you and Sky have sex, she and Ben have sex, and you and Ben have sex. Would you have to ask for Ben's permission to have sex with Sky?

I think this could be worked out if one person slept somewhere else and each pair swapped beds every night. Set up a schedule that works for all of you. That way you know who is having sex, where and when, no surprises and no one feels left out.

 

[peabean]

I'm also in a triad. We find it works best if we all sleep in the same bed. We have a king-sized bed that fits all three of us. If all three of us are in bed, then the sex is almost always between all three. Certainly no one ever sleeps on the floor.

We have sex in pairs too, but this is normally when only two of us can be together at the same time. We don't seek 'permission' in our triad. Everyone is 'allowed' to have sex when they want. I find the whole boundaries thing just sets up walls of drama. In a successful triad, drama must be kept to a minimum.

Why are they having sex without you if you're there? Do they need relationship-building time? If so, perhaps you should do something nice for yourself while they do what they want. I try to think of this pairing time as a gift to my loves. Since she and I are together more than he is with us, due to work issues, I work hard to give them at least one afternoon a week to themselves. It's critical that we have strong bonds in every relationship within our three. To me, this makes the coming back together sweeter. They are more focused on me, and I am keyed into their sexual energy for each other. This works for each pairing, including the one between my husband and me.

I would say your jealousy is a symptom of not being 'all in.' I would work on exploring how you intend these relationships to go forward. I f you want to make them work long term, you will need to let go of this 'permission' system.

 

[redpepper]

I find the whole boundaries thing just sets up walls of drama. In a successful triad drama must be kept to a minimum.

No doubt this is true for you, but if triads are starting out, then boundaries are important, I think, until there is ease of flow between everyone and rules can be let go of.

Cirxe says she is struggling with the fact that she thinks they should ask for permission. She doesn't want to always feel like that in the long run. Organizing and looking at time management could nip that in the bud, until such time as she can let it go for real. Just saying she should let it go could very well be dismissive of her feelings on the issue, no? Besides, some triads work in such a way that there is a schedule for sleeping in pairs, and sleeping all together is not important, or doesn't work. Maybe this is how they have arranged it.

 

[assets]

Are you just bothered by them having sex when you are there, or is it also if you are not in the room? If you were in another room, or another building, would it bother you?

I know from my experience, my exes used to have sex in the bedroom while I was there, without including me. This created issues for me and brought up a lot of jealousy. If I wasn't there, it didn't bother me. For me, it wasn't to do with them having sex with each other that caused the jealousy, it was the fact that I felt excluded.

 

[peabean]

In the example Cirxe gives, I am confused as to why she doesn't know they are having sex. She is right in the room. Do they have to ask permission if she is right there? If my lovers are initiating sex and I'm right there it would seem awkward for them to stop and ask.

She also puts it as permission/knowledge. Maybe her lovers are unclear how that works. If I were in their position, I would be confused. I think she definitely needs to clarify this part.

One of the ways we combat this type of jealousy issue is by always telling the third party in a playful way, especially when it's after the fact. For instance, we work hard to have dinner together each night. During discussion of our day we will slyly mention if we had sex. This way the third person finds out and is included, and the door is left open for sex later on that night, to include all of us.

Although my husband and I have been together 10 years and our partner joined us just recently, we try to see all relationships as equally important. For instance, when I miss out on sex they have as a couple, I think of it as missing out on sex with her as much as him.

I apologize if this is not entirely clear. I find language inadequate to describe the tangled web of life in a triad. I never meant to be dismissive of Cirxe's feelings. As the wife in a triad, I empathize with her situation.

I think the best thing is to just keep talking. Talk talk talk about all your feelings. When you hide things from your partners, it builds walls and makes people take sides. It helps to have it all out there, so the three can think about it and come to an agreement. It also helps to remember that relationships constantly evolve and change, especially triad relationships.