Been there, done that, don't know if I like it or not

C

ClariceK

New member
I am a 35-year old female who has been married for 15 years to her just-out-of-high-school sweetheart. When I met my husband I fell in love at first sight. He has a bit of emotional baggage, as did I. I have childhood sexual abuse issues, so sex is a kinda iffy thing for me, as it is.

A big part of why I loved my husband was because he "took care of me." I had a kinda volatile family life and he stepped in many times and changed the way my family treated me.

For a very long time, we have a very codependent relationship. About a year into our relationship, he expressed an interest in "seeing other people with me," after I expressed to him that I had not had sex with a man before him, and had sex with women my entire high school life. I was shocked to be in love with my husband myself, as I had kinda been afraid of men. I knew I loved women. I loved spending time with them. I loved my girlfriends.

I love my husband for the person he is, not because he is a man. When I get old, he is the person I want sitting on a rocking chair next to me. I love him more then I have ever loved anyone or anything in my life.

He expressed his "need for more sex" because, well, I was not/am not very sexually active because of my abuse issues. We started going to swingers clubs, but neither he nor I are into the whole man thing. I didn't like the "sex clubs," as we called them, because I didn't like men being involved sexually.

We began to look for a "lesbian" who might be into men also, or a bisexual girl. He talked to me about living a poly lifestyle with another woman, having a girlfriend who was here to be with me when he went to bed (he works nights and I spend many nights alone while he sleeps, as I am a night owl), and someone to help around the house, someone for both of us to love.

I loved the idea. In the past 12 years, we have dated a number of women, many of whom have been very short term, lasting less then 2-3 months, usually because of issues that I have with the "green-eyed monster."

My husband and I have no children. We had always talked about how we really didn't necessarily want children. I thought we were on the same page about this.

When we have dated these women, my husband has told me that I have no reason to be insecure; that I am number one; that if I, for any reason, don't like the women that we are with, he will (and has) gotten out of the relationships.

I begin these relationships loving the other woman, loving spending time with her, falling in love with her. Every time, I am much more in love then my husband ever is. He is very much interested in the sexual side of it.

I have spent the last 15 years saying, through gritted teeth, "I don't think this is going to work," and, "I love having you all to myself. I don't like sharing your income or your time with another person," the entire time not realizing that I am also jealous of my husband's relationship with our girlfriend. I am jealous now, because I am once again sitting in the living room alone while my husband has sex with another woman.

The current girl always comes out and spends the rest of the night with me, and she does whatever I ask her to help me with... eventually. This is another issue, as I do the cooking and she does the dishes. If she doesn't do the dishes, I don't have the things to cook with. This angers me greatly. There are other situations like this, but I use this as a example.

I am partially disabled. She is a very sweet girl. While she is young, and sometimes (okay, often) has the "I know better" attitude of youth that we all had (she is 24), I could get used to that, I guess.

(I mean, we all have things about the other person that kinda annoy us. We smile and say, "Ugh I hate that!!!" but we don't end relationships.)

I always feel like crap after my husband is told that I don't like a woman and I want him to end the relationship. He always does, and he is always sad. I am torn. I want to make him happy. I want the picturesque scene that he talked about, the one where we are all happy, and the other woman is perfect for us, where we both love her deeply, I don't have any jealousy, I am fine with everything. That is not this lifestyle.

To further complicate things, she has a 5-year old daughter. They both moved in with us about 3 months into the now 6-month relationship, due to a situation that kinda made it necessary, due to her circumstances. The kid is a very sweet little girl, who is really a good kid compared to other kids. My husband ADORES her. I think she is great also, but I am not in a place in my life where I wanted or ever saw myself having kids.

The fact that my husband loves this child so much hurts me very much, because I feel like he said he didn't want kids because I didn't, and that if I had said I did want them, he would have loved to have had them. I feel like I cannot give him that. I am a master's student. I have career plans that do not include having a child, nor did our plan to "travel the world" take into consideration the financial and logistical feasibility of that with a child who is, because of school, going to have to be pretty local for the next 15 years.

Our girlfriend works full time (she hasn't till just recently). My husband has been working during the day. I have been home with the little girl all day long, watching her, and TRYING to get my schoolwork done. As a college student, it takes me many many hours of studying and research at this level of education, and I am sacrificing my schooling in order to watch the child.

I know this has been long, and I am sure that not many will have read this far, but I guess I am kinda stuck. I don't know what to do. I thought I wanted this. Now that I have it, I don't know. Can someone please give me advice? There is more to this story (there always is, isn't there?), but these are some of the details. Please help this Family figure this thing out!
 
Welcome, ClariceK. *hug*

Step #1 is talking to people that can help you get perspective, so you've gotten started.

Two things popped out to me on an emotional level in reading your story. First, you referred to your "Family." I don't know if that was intentional or not, but you used capital F and you called your situation a family-- not help us or help me. This leads me to believe that on some level you identify your unit as important and as an, albeit non-traditional, family.

Second, you have a world of pain-- sexual, physical, and emotional.

There are many posts in these forums about jealousy. Tags will help you find those posts.

As for the sexual abuse, I'm sure many here can offer words of advice. I have shared relationships with several women who had abuse in their backgrounds. They are each and every one precious and wonderful souls. It was very hard, in most cases, for them to feel a connection to a man, but I feel blessed that they would share some of themselves with me. You are precious, too. Your husband's actions speak volumes about his devotion to you, and I suspect it's because he has had the chance to see the inner you.

I suspect that your particular case of jealousy is complicated by feelings of frustration. I suspect that you worry about the disparity between your desire and your husband's. This is followed by opposing emotions of abandonment when he is with someone else, and a sense of failure that you're not the providing that outlet. These are heavy things, and I'm not surprised that they have been hard on all involved. You might consider in-person counseling, as that level of interaction may prove more effective for your acute situation.

In the meantime, there's a lot of information here, and a lot of people devoted to helping polyamorous folks live happier, healthier lives.

*re-hug*
 
One small thing that might help with the feeling that you're being taken advantage of would be to get the little girl into daycare. It sounds like the work that you're doing as a student isn't being valued in the same way as working outside the home by your partners.

Also, setting up a schedule of who does what and when in regards to housework might be helpful. Your girlfriend may not know how important it is to you that she have the dishes done by a certain time. Little things like that have a big impact on feeling loving in a relationship.

As for the sex while you're alone in the living room, is there something else you can do during that time outside of the house so that you're not feeling left out and abandoned?

Talk things through very clearly, with both of them, about how you feel and what you would like to see, and then listen to them state what their wants and needs are. It sounds to me like you try to push things down until it just gets to be too much, and then you end it. Talk about the little things before they get big. (This is a "do as I say, not as I do" message. I'm one to push things down, a lot of the time, too.)
 
This little girl is going to be in a world of pain when this ends. I really get bothered by that. Kids attach, and when adults are sloppy with their relationships, it's the kids that suffer (not to mention the adults who love them).

I think that if I were you, I would find my own girlfriend and stop sharing. It isn't necessary and I have seen very few examples of fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants whirlwind triads working out. This was way too fast to evolve, on top of the less-than-positive outcomes that start in this way. Triads seem better to evolve than be forced. Try a different approach and be independent. Co-dependent couples looking for unicorns create a lot of pain for their women, I find. Might be something to think about. Your involvement is with three people, not with a pet. It doesn't seem you realize that.

Next time, take your time. Don't move her in until well after the NRE is over (like a year, at least), find your own girlfriends, and don't take on other people's kids until you are DAMNED sure you can be there for the long haul.

You might want to do a search for "moving in," "unicorns," "triads," and "jealousy." There have been many threads here that address what you are concerned about that might be helpful.
 
I absolutely agree that the child has to be the biggest priority. I guess I am wrestling with the idea that I haven't had the experience of a 5-year old being my priority. I have not lived my life around children enough to feel like I won't say or do something that will mess the kid up for the rest of their life. It doesn't help that I am studying and have studied how even the smallest thing can be the biggest thing to a child, so I worry more about that than I think even her mom does, sometimes. That isn't to say her mom is uncaring, or anything like that at all, but I worry about this on her developing little person.

Honestly, having found this site/community has been the biggest source of hope I have had for a polyamorous relationship working, and for this relationship working. Before I found this site, I thought, "Okay, polygamy might work, because those people follow a religion that tells them exactly how this is supposed to go, but what about if you don't have 'principles' to follow?"

I also struggle with the feelings and emotions of the women whom we get into relationships with. I have had the thought, "What kind of woman would want to be in this relationship in the first place?"

The fact that my husband and she were both perfectly okay with having sex with each other the first day they met-- I am not of the same morals. I can't just "go find a unicorn to run and play with," like my husband often seems to be able to. This makes me wonder about the morals of the women who DO end up being in this kind of relationship. It is amazing how much time I have spent feeling and thinking the EXACT same things that I am reading here, than feeling like real total crap for thinking or feeling that way.

I am sorry if my description made it seem like we are just going out "unicorn hunting." That isn't the case at all. We both have the intention that it will all work out, that it will all be awesome, and then reality sets in.

I wish I had read so much of what I am reading here tonight before now, because it would have made things much easier.

I blew up tonight over the two of them being late from work and not calling to tell me they were going to be late. To me, that shows a lack of caring that I am waiting, wondering where they are, and honestly makes me think that they don't have the same urgency to see me at the end of the day that I have after not seeing them all day. The fact that when I went out and saw them pull up, everyone all smiles and happy, like they didn't have a care in the world, to me it showed that they hadn't even had a second thought to how worried or how anxious I had gotten by that time. I blew up, because I felt that it was a case of, "Well, as long as he has her with him, why does he care what I am doing? He isn't the one sitting here alone AGAIN." This could have been solved by either one of them calling or texting and saying, "Hey, we are running late. I know you're waiting for us. We are trying our best, but it is just taking forever!!" I would have been perfectly fine with that.

It is the little things like this that send me over the edge, especially when I have been trying all day to get schoolwork done, and not been able to because of other household stuff.
 
My wife K and I have a few rules we agree to that help relationship life in general. One of those rules is:
No blowing up unless you've already articulated--in your out loud voice--what it is that is upsetting you.

In your story, you see the lack of a text as uncaring. Hubby and girlfriend come home to find a fuming wife. To you, they're happy-go-lucky. To them, they walked into an explosion.

You see, they might not have processed how important their timeliness or sending a text are to you. Yes, one could argue this is common courtesy, but people need reminders and they need to know boundaries. If you haven't articulated the things that you need-- arrival by X time, or some sort of check in by Y time-- then their expectation and your expectations might not match. If I were coming home and found a wife upset at my being late, one of the things I'd wonder is, "If you were worried, why didn't you check on me?" So a lack of clear guidelines means confusion in all sorts of directions, and no real accountability.

Instead, articulate the issue, state your feelings, and a suggested remedy, and get the people involved to acknowledge the plan going forward.

"Hey, I got worried about you guys. I don't feel important if you're more than 30 minutes late and I don't get contacted. In the future, I'd like you to call or text if you're going to be that late, okay?"

If they agree and don't follow through, then you can blow up all you want (and you get to add the "You know better!" nag). But I've found that using this technique means we have minimal blowups, but are able to be mindful of each other's needs. Many times, if I screw something up, chances are I just had no idea, and had I known, I would have tried to do it right the first time.
 
sagency said:
My wife and I have a few rules we agree to that help relationship life in general. One of those rules is:
No blowing up unless you've already articulated--in your out loud voice--what it is that is upsetting you.

In your story, you see the lack of a text as uncaring. Hubby and girl come home to find a fuming wife. To you, they're happy-go-lucky. To them, they walked into an explosion.

You see, they might not have processed how important their timeliness or a text is to you. Yes, one could argue this is common courtesy, but people need reminders and they need to know boundaries.

Instead, articulate the issue, state your feelings and a suggested remedy, and get the people involved to acknowledge the plan going forward. Many times, if I screw something up, chances are I just had no idea and had I known, I would have tried to do it right the first time.
Click to expand...

Thank you sooo much for the reminder about his intentions not being to be rude or hurtful or uncaring. I know my husband is a great guy.

I have also found that my therapist, whom I have been seeing for the last 10 years, has not had the positive effect on my marriage that I thought it was. I didn't realize that my therapist was telling me that my husband was "running away" from having to face a commitment to me by wanting to add partners.

I had a VERY VERY hard night last night, in which I didn't sleep one wink, since after the blowup, my husband was very very upset with me. He feels (and is correct) that as a student of psychology, as an adult, as a person in a loving relationship with ANYONE, that my blowing up and yelling and screaming and storming out to leave everyone here scared for my well-being, as well as the relationship as a whole, and our individual relationships.

I kept having this nagging voice of my mother saying, "Don't be a freak!!" (I have always been a little, let's say, odd-- LOL) During my serious and long cancer battle, starting a non-profit from that experience, a life-changing experience (not to mention relationship-changing as far as my marriage), my husband, whose mother died from cancer two months before I was diagnosed, didn't deal with my illness well, as far as being the most supportive he could be. He took very good care of me when I was home, but he had major fears of being with me at the doctor's, so he didn't go with me to chemo, or to any of my doctor appointments.

(Luckily I have a great BFF who loves me for who I am, poly, mono, gay, straight, whatever, who went with me to all my appointments, and took me to lunch before or after every one. She is older then my mother is, having children older than I am. She herself, in her marriage, has had open relationships. She and her husband both had affairs, as well, cheating on each other. She knows the terrain of rocky marriages. Hers survived everything the wringer put it through.)

So, I have had major resentments toward my husband. I asked him once again, for about the 50th time, why he abandoned me when I needed him most, and he said, "I have given you the same explanation over and over. Just because it isn't what you want to hear, just because you want me to say I had a different reason, I am not going to change my feelings," which he was right about 100%.

He wasn't right in his actions. He has apologized over and over for it. He has expressed his shame for not being able to handle the situation. My holding it over his head is unfair. I either need to decide that he doesn't care about me, based on that experience, which was EXTREMELY overwhelming to him, and leave him because I have too much respect to be with someone who doesn't care about me, which I know isn't in any way the case.

I was with him when his mother's doctor told him she was getting better and that she would be okay. He saw that doctor as having lied to him. He hadn't really liked doctors before, and after that experience, he felt that he couldn't not be sarcastic, rude, and even maybe mean to my doctor, after he tried to send me home from the ER without doing any tests, when I went because I was sick. My husband saw one doctor send me home with a "stomach virus that was causing a gas buildup" after having not done any kind of tests on me, only to have my husband bring up my stomach and intestines.

My husband, by this point, had SEVERE anger toward anything ANY doctor would have to say to him. He felt this would have caused an issue with my treatment, and added stress to my life from him and my doc not getting along. When I look at it from that perspective, he actually made the right choice, even if it wasn't the choice I wanted him to make at that time.

After this entire last night of fighting, crying, me begging him to please communicate with me, because he had shut down after I stormed off, he went to bed and wouldn't hold or touch either me or our girlfriend. I felt like I was losing 2 relationships.

When I stormed off, I called my therapist and fired him, saying, "I need someone who is supportive of my choices in relationships, and who doesn't think my husband is an asshole who hates me, when I know that isn't true." My therapist suggested that I not just suddenly end a 10-year relationship with him, and said that he would help me transition to someone who would be more understanding of my situation. He admitted that he hadn't realized that he was putting his own values and feelings about who I should be and how my life should be into the relationship, and that the fact I had been seeing him for 10 years had caused a "much too friendly versus therapeutic relationship."

Now I don't know if I want to do this or not, but he has left our regularly scheduled appointment time open this week, and has invited me to come if I want to.

By the time I had gotten to a point where I was at the end of my rope, I felt like I had ended three relationships in one day, that I had ruined at least three people's lives, that I had said things to our girlfriend that I could never unsay.

I showed her this site. She is trustynatasha on here. (Hi baby!) She and I talked after I read her some posts about blowups, jealousy, and boundaries. She forgave me.

My husband was a much harder sell to get back into the boat of salvaging this relationship. He told me I had "broken him," and that he didn't want this relationship if this was the way it was going to be.

He went to bed. She went to bed. (We share a king-sized bed, so they were in bed together.) I spent the night going through the depths of insecurity, depression, fear and OMG anxiety.

Over the 6 hours that they slept and I didn't, I thought about things, and read this site. I spent hours reading threads, not responding, but reading, reading about sharing, about how his love for her doesn't diminish his love for me. I realized that because my husband likes the "Let's go get a woman also into casual sex and have sex with her" thing, as well as wanting the LTR with another woman or two (which we discussed would be a mutual decision among all, of course), I felt the need to rein that casual back. I wasn't okay with casual sex, because I know too much about the mental damage that is done to women when they have casual sex experiences.

When I gave it thought, though, I realized that it is no different than our girlfriend also being into the polyamory thing. She is also okay with casual sex, and they share that. I read something on a thread about how, if I decide to rein in who he is as a person, rein in his sexual needs and desires, I need to be prepared for the consequences of that if he cheats, because he doesn't feel okay with being open about his desires and needs. He has spent the last 15 years telling me that he doesn't even necessarily need to be the one to pick the women out. I have felt that since he always has been the one who goes out "hunting for unicorns," and I am not as forward as him, or as good at flirting and attracting women, that is how it has (almost) always happened.

I did find one woman who was NOT an okay person for us to be with. She was really not mentally stable, was in a marriage that was physically abusive, and had thought that getting into a relationship with us would be her "way out." But because of the nature of abusive relationships, she went back to him. It hurt my husband and me that she felt that her abusive husband was a better choice then two people who loved her unconditionally and would never intentionally hurt her.
 
By the time morning came around, I had decided that this relationship might or might not work out in the end, but it wasn't going to not work out because of a blowup on my part. I had yelled at and been just plain horrible to my entire family for over a week. This was all caused by fear, jealousy and insecurity, but it was upsetting, nonetheless.

TB (girlfriend's daughter) had crawled into bed with the two of them, and I walked past the open bedroom door and thought, "See, if I left, he could have his nice little family he has always wanted," but I stopped myself and said "You know, this is the happy family I have always wanted too," and decided that I needed some way to apologize in a way other then words. I made the three of them breakfast in bed while they slept. I woke them all up to bacon and eggs in bed (cereal and bacon for the little one, who doesn't like eggs). I apologized to all of them for being so horrible and mean and yelling. I told them I couldn't promise I would never do it again, but that we would work out a better way to prevent it, or diffuse it when it did happen.

Our dryer had broken down, and while we technically could afford a new one this week, it would be tight. It would be helpful to put off buying a new dryer this week, and save up for a new washer AND dryer, both badly needed. But to do that, we needed to get the laundry that had been piling up done. I decided that I would go to the laundromat (a very large physical task for me, as I am disabled). Although gf was planning on going with me, I felt that she needed to spend time alone with hubby after the hard night that she had had last night. They were all tired, while I had gotten a second wind after having not slept all night. So I left them all home alone. The three of them were going back to sleep, having not had to get out of bed due to the breakfast in bed I made, and before I left I said, "Call me to let me know you're thinking of me."

I went to the laundromat and did the laundry (9 loads). While I was folding the 3rd of the 9 loads, gf called and asked what point I was at. I said "1/3 of the way through the folding." She said, "Are you standing there folding it all??" I said, "Yeah of course!" She said "Put it in the baskets and bags and bring them home. We will fold them together and put them away," which I was eternally grateful for, as I was hurting, tired, and hungry. I had not made myself breakfast. So I came home and ate something, then went to get some sleep.

I don't know that this will all work out, no one does, but we will give it our best try, and make sure that if it doesn't work out, everyone is better off for having had the experience.
 
ClariceK, I'm glad you're working through things.

I'm especially happy that you explicitly stated what you were doing (laundry) and what you wanted (a phone call). It's nice to see that trustynatasha called you home. It must have been a warm reminder that she was listening, and that you're a part of the family.
 
Yes, it was. And even though we didn't get to fold the laundry today, we will have a folding party tomorrow with music and chips and sodas, and it will be a blast, and give hubby a much-needed break after watching the kiddo while both she and I napped (her on and off) all afternoon.
 
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