We're on the same page, but different books...

[1stTime4Everything]

I joined this forum earlier today because lately I have been feeling as though I'd like to explore some sort of poly lifestyle. I even wrote in my intro thread that my husband (Murphy) is very supportive, and for the most part, he has been. I feel as though I'm writing this now out of frustration and anger at something I found out he did yet again,. But let me take a step back and try to fill you in on our story. I will try not to make it too long.

I have been bi-curious for a really long time, but have suppressed those feelings. It was not until I started hanging with my Murph and one of my closest best friends, Daphne, that I started acting upon the curiosity. Actually, it was no different than how I normally acted when we all hung out. It was just that I was more aware. I realized I had feelings beyond friendship for this dear friend, that I was attracted to her.

Murph and I had talks about my feelings. We explored fantasies of threesomes with Daphne. But my head got in the way. I was still struggling with the thought of him being there, being intimate with Daphne as well, and I couldn't help but feel insecure about it. I also didn't think she felt the same way towards me, and I did not want to jeopardize my friendship with her.

Long story short, there ended up being a night out drinking where our fantasy started to come true. It was fast n blurry, but ended shortly with Daphne crying because she couldn't do it. But all three of us have since moved past that night, and our friendship is closer than ever.

Now onto me and Murphy. He has been supportive and understanding when I'm open with him about my bi-curiosity, but I fear he doesn't understand my struggle with it. I feel as though he only sees the sexual benefits (for himself) of me wanting to have a threesome. Since the subject came to the table, I have tried to explain to him my reasoning for not wanting the third person to be a personal friend of mine, and the incident with Daphne proved my point.

It doesn't help my case, however, that she has lately shown interest in me in return. Nothing that would make me believe she would want to act on it, but just that small fact makes Murphy think and say, "Well, you say not you're friends, but then when you're drunk, you act differently." Maybe he is right. He does have a point, and maybe I'm being unfair. But it isn't he who is going through this, it's me. And I have a flurry of emotions and desires that I'm still trying to sort through and figure out.

But back to me and Murphy and my friends. He will text them, make plans with them, and I am the last to know. There was a night where he did this. We had plans already, but he decided to go have drinks without me, and invited some of my close friends, plus his best friend. And he talked to her about having a threesome, said stuff along the lines of being liquored up, etc. When this night happened, I felt hurt that he ditched me and left me out of his plans, that he lacked communication with me, his wife.

Now I am hurt, frustrated and angry all over again. With this particular friend, I have expressed over and over again that I do not want her in that way. Yet because she has joked about being involved with him or us, he must think, "Oh, we'll just go for drinks, and they'll get loose and it will go down." I hate knowing what his intentions are, because they're my close friends. And when we talk, he seems genuinely understanding and supportive, and I feel like we reach an understanding. But then it's like he only focuses on the girl-on-girl action and loses all respect for what we talked about.

Back to my friend Daphne. Maybe I'll sound like a hypocrite here, but as I said, I do have feelings for her... I have had dreams where we are in a serious relationship with each other, but I'm still married to Murph. I have thoughts of us three living together and being content. (I had no idea it was termed a triad relationship or polyamory until I found this forum after some research.) But I cannot even fathom trying to make this a reality, as it wouldn't be fair to Murph if I kept saying "not my friends, not my friends," and then pursued a friend.

So I've started to ease him into the idea of searching for a girl to build a friendship with together, so that it is a mutual friend, and not someone I feel protective over, so that I won't feel jealousy or insecurity, because we built a friendship with her together. But I'm at a loss on how to handle it all, as Murph seems to take initiatives, and I fear it is only because he wants the threesome before anything else.

What do I do? How do we approach this as a couple? How do I make him understand where I'm coming from? Any advice on any of this would be great. Thank you in advance.

 

[AutumnalTone]

Back to me and Murph and my friends. He will text them, make plans with them, and I am the last to know. There was a night where he did this. We had plans already, but he decided to go have drinks without me, and invited some of my close friends, plus his best friend. And he talked to her about having a threesome, said stuff along the lines of being liquored up, etc. When this night happened, I felt hurt that he ditched me and left me out of his plans, that he lacked communication with me, his wife. Now I am hurt, frustrated and angry all over again.

This indicates that the last thing you should be trying to do is find other people for relationships. As long as this sort of stupid shit is happening, your relationship isn't in good enough shape to warrant trying to add others; your husband obviously isn't ready for serious, healthy relationships. I'd suggest dealing the issues inherent in this particular behavior prior to thinking of adding any other relationships.

 

[redpepper]

Two things:

1) Find someone you can build a relationship with on your own, without his involvement.
2) Stop adding alcohol to this.

This seems like playful open sexuality rather than polyamory. Sport sex comes to mind. Maybe you could go swinging to help him achieve his goal of getting off with women he just wants to fuck in a threesome with you. No biggie, just that it isn't polyamory.

If you want a serious woman-to-woman relationship, it sounds like you need to do it alone. Besides, it's pretty unlikely to work for the long haul with what you are looking for. Most triads of the nature you describe, that start the way you describe, crash and burn after the NRE sex ends.

The alcohol is bringing inhibitions down, but for what? Sex. That can be dangerous and damaging, as you have experienced. And it is not polyamory. Open relationship maybe. Sport sex maybe. But as far as the descriptions that polyamorous people usually use for themselves, not polyamory. I guess poly-dating is kinda like this, if you toss the word love in there, maybe. But yeah, not really convinced of that either, myself.

 

[IndieSolo]

There's a lot of immaturity here, it seems to me. I don't think any of you are ready for multiple partners. The drinking, game-playing... it all reminds me of junior high school. My suggestion would be that you all grow up a bit. Nurture your marriage so that it's strong and you all know how to communicate and support each other. Maybe that would mean therapy, taking relationship workshops, opening your eyes to really see the people you're hanging out with, and looking at the drinking as a possible problem here.

Also think about the fact that lots of women who are bi-curious, or even have crushes on other women, ultimately don't really want to act on those crushes, or actually pursue their fantasy. I mention that just to caution you.

Any kind of exploration should be for yourself and your own healthy exploration of your sexuality, not just for your husband's pleasure.

 

[1stTime4Everything]

Thanks for responses. You all make some valid points.

I reread my post and I agree that this all seems a bit "high school" as well. I'm not sure if the typos had any influence on the sense of immaturity that comes across, but just in case it did, I just want to say that I was a bit flustered and upset last night when I wrote it and I posted it from my phone.

In any case, maybe it is all a bit immature, but I suppose that's more reason for me to have found this forum as an outlet to gain support and get insight into how to approach and deal with this in a mature way. Maybe we aren't ready for a serious healthy relationship with a third person. I can certainly see why. And I want to work on it. But I have no doubt that in my marriage, every disagreement and problem that arises, we try to work through it, and it only makes us stronger and closer to each other.

I agree that alcohol needs to stop being involved.

The biggest problem is Murphy's desire for it to be about sex, and my desire for it to be something a lot bigger than just sex. The suggestion of finding a swinger's club is one that I have brought up to him before.

One of you mentioned that what I'm describing isn't polyamory at all. Okay, I can see and understand that. I feel as though it's what I want to aim for. I'm still extremely new to the whole concept, so I realize this won't be something that will just happen right away. I realize now it may be years and years down the road before we finally are ready to take that step.

Another point was made about women never really pursuing their crushes or fantasies. This is what I believe is the case with Daphne. She has told me she is attracted to me, but I know she most likely would never act upon it, for whatever reasons she has. That's another reason I'm struggling with this, the fear that any woman I try to explore with or build a relationship with will not want to in return. I guess that comes with this whole process, though.

But anyway, first and foremost, Murph and I need to be on the same page, in the same book, and obviously we are not. Again, I realize my story seems to be just about sex, but this I think is the problem, as I want more than just sex. It will start with Murph and me talking through this and working on ourselves first, before anything else.

Thanks again for the responses. They certainly have helped.

 

[BlackUnicorn]

Most triads of the nature you describe, that start the way you describe, crash and burn after the NRE sex ends.

Any kind of exploration should be for yourself and your own healthy exploration of your sexuality, not just for your husband's pleasure.

These two. Bringing another woman into your bed might feel like a really smart plan that kills two flies with one strike; it feels less like cheating on your husband and allows you to explore your bi-curiosity without having to deal with your own internalized homophobia.

Trust me, it's a shitty plan. When you and Murphy are on a healthy-enough ground to start exploring responsible non-monogamy, do it separately. Pursue your own interests, and if you decide to take things further with a woman of your own choice, do it in an environment where you don't have to face the pressure of someone looking and getting their jollies out of watching you, as if you were performing for them.

 

[BlackUnicorn]

Another reason I'm struggling with this, the fear that any woman I try to explore with or build a relationship with will not want to in return. I guess that comes with this whole process.

There are plenty of genuine lesbian/bisexual polyamorous women out there. You just have to look hard. I often struggle with the same issue, not knowing if a woman is only bisexual, but actually bi-amorous also. Try some poly-friendly dating sites when you eventually feel ready. People there are usually rather upfront about what they are looking for.

And again, you increase your chances if you seek independent relationships, rather than a "third." They don't call them "unicorns" for nothing.