How can you be sure that playing around and getting a hickey is all that happened, even though you didn't want him to? Or when you say they played around, do you mean they fucked after he called to ask and you're okay with that? Or... how do you know he didn't fuck her anyway and just said nothing happened?
I can't be sure. Can we ever be 100% sure of anything? I can't continue to live a life of second guessing. He's put in a hell of a lot of work to show me that he is trying. All I can do is believe that he is genuine in what he says.
This is what is so confusing to me - how do you trust someone who has lied and cheated so many times before?
How do you continue to be in a relationship with someone who became so reclusive they never left their room and your only communication was over pain pills? The lying and the cheating is not the whole of who he is. For the most part it was a symptom of something being wrong in our relationship, and his past. We as humans often assosciate our spuses with the role models we had growing up. Karma often compared me to his mother and the results of situations with her. He didnt trust me to be okay with certain things, or to mean what I said about honesty, because his mother often said "if you tell the truth the punishment will be less" but then it would result in an even larger tantrum and punishment. Having had that as a basis his entire life, it was difficult to trust that any woman really meant what they said. With all that in mind, we started working on that. Are still working on that. It's not an easy thing to let go of when it's become a survival mechanism. He needs to have trust in me just as much as I do in him. He never gave me a chance to prove that I could be taken at my word. Something he learned very quickly as we ventured into this.
Don't you ever wonder if you're being made a fool again?
Is it me being made a fool? Or is if it were to happen again, is it not Karma makin himself look like an ass? Part of my healing was to let go of the 'being made a fool' thought process. My love for him allows me to forgive him. My understanding of his actions allows for me to forgive him. My strength in myself allows me to forgive him. If he were to cross boundries, cheat or lie again, it is not my fault, it's his. I am not at fault for his actions he is. I have provided a safe place for honesty, I have done my share of the work to repair our marriage, if he is being deceptive he has no reason to be and therefor it is on him not me. He can choose to live a free life out the open where he can have not only my love but that of others, or he can lie and be deceptive and take advantage of who I am what I have to give. Again that is not on me, that is on him.
Fatigue from... camping or sex? See, if my partner was that difficult to get information from, I'd wonder what he was hiding. But you do not have no doubt AT ALL about what went on between him and her or anyone else while he was away (or another time)?
I was a bit curious as to why the pull back. But after sleeping in his own bed, the next day I expressed my concern and we talked about it. He went into any detail I asked for and on his own accord went through and showed me pictures and talked quite a bit about her. Could he have been hiding something, sure. Again anything is possible and nothing is ever 100%, but I have no reason to believe otherwise.
What if you found out later that he broke boundaries again and just knows how to lie so well that he makes you believe he is reforming?
Karma is a terrible liar. But if by some magic intervention he was able to begin lying in such way, well there isn't much I can do without the truth of the matter. If I were to find out it was all a lie, then he would be packing his bags. There is only so much I can forgive and when I've given so much and worked so hard to fix ou problems, if that still wasn't enough to warrant his honesty, well then it's time to move the hell on.
What if you found out that he badmouths you and your illness to get away with fucking others? These things could happen. This is what my friend is going through with her husband who has been completely untrustworthy but had her fooled. What would be your plan of action to protect yourself?
This is again his problem and not mine. If he is that pathetic and shallow that he needs to bad mouth me in order to get laid, how is it my problem? My illness has been very hard on both of us. And there is a difference between venting and badmouthing. I have no doubt there have been times hes needed someone to listen. It is very difficult to be a caregiver to your spouse. If that venting led to other forms of compassion, well good for him. It's really good for the soul to have someone give a damn about you. But again this is on him. These are his actions and choices. As far having a plan in place to protect myself...when I love I love fully. It would hurt to find out that all we've worked for was a sham. But I know I have put my all into making it work.
I hope you don't mind me asking all this, but I find your story really compelling! I want to understand the issues in polyamory from every possible angle. It seems that, from what you have said here in this blog, you always let him come back. I don't think I could do that after one fuck-up, never mind numerous times!
I don't mind at all that's why it's out there. I never thought I would forgive it. But when your faced with it, it becomes a different story. There are reasons and realities that aren't in place in hypotheticals.
It's hard for me to grasp - how do you manage to hold onto your dignity and be able to face all those people who knew what he was doing and didn't tell you?
Again Karma's actions are not a reflection on who I am as a person. My dignity is not effected by my husband. I am my own person and in charge of my own choices and feelings. Just as he is his. Some of those who knew and never said a word, I no longer speak with, because there were promises there that were broken. And when it came down to it, their own guilt made it hard for them to face me, not the other way around. Others didn't know me well enough to feel it was their place, and in that I can't blame them. But that doesn't change who I am. There will always be naysayers in this world. There will always be people who say I should have left the first time. They do not live my life. For all the hurt and pain there has been much more joy in our 9 years together. I liken to the Garth Brooks song The Dance "I could have missed the pain, but I'd have mised the dance." I'm not willing to say the dance we've had hasn't been worth the pain.
A few years ago my dad was very ill and sitting in the hospital waiting room his sister told me I was better to marry someone who could take care of me than to marry for love. "Do you think your mother would have married him if she's known their lives would be rocked by his medical problems over and over?" I was stunned that his own sister could say this. Of course I think my mother would have married him knowing that. They have a love that has survived 31 yrs of what life could throw at them. Including the first 3 years of their marriage having them assigned to military bases hundreds of miles apart. My dad had 3 heart attacks and my mom who wanted to be a stay at home mom, went to work fulltime to cover bills while he recouped. They are not perfect people, but they love eachother and they have weathered lifes storms by clinging to that love. I don't see what I am doing as any different.
You don't marry for ease. Honestly marriage would be quite boring if we did. You marry for love. And in that love you learn to care for eachother, faults and all. Mistakes happen. It's hard to relearn how to live when you were living to survive for so long.
In the beginning of this thread, even other members here asked you asked you why you forgave him so easily and stayed. And yet here you still are, quickly forgiving his lies and certain he will be honest from now on.
The forgiveness was not quick. It took a lot of work. And when I found out about the last round I was seriously considering divorce. Had been for sometime. We decided to give it a year. To put in the work and in a year we'd decide if it was worth keeping. We celebrated that year this past May and we are obviously still together. It took a lot of self work, a lot of healing and a lot of work together to get to where we are.
I stayed because I love him. Because he is so much more than a cheater. Because he gets me, to my core he understands me. I can fully and completely be myself with him. I can share my dreams with him and I can share my sorows with him. And in that he is fully present. He is protective of me, even when some of his actions say otherwise. There is no one I can be as completely me with as I can with him. He says he's not a teacher, yet he can help understand things in a way that doesn't make me feel like an idiot. When I got sick with one of my many issues, he was at every dr's appt and took it on himself to learn about female reproduction so he could fully understand what I was going through. He takes care of me. He aside from my mother, is the only person I feel safe and comfortable enough to be completely vulnerable with. So why did I stay, why did I forgive? Because there is so much more to a person than their mistakes.
I'm sure we all could learn something from you! What a lesson! Thanks.
