edpsy77

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In all ways, monogamy is really the best fit for my life now and for the foreseeable future. Though compared to most, it's more monogamish than monogamy. We're only limited in the sense of "no genital contact." I could have many other kinds of love, play, and closeness with others if I want.

But that is just ME specifically. Poly was more of a thing I did in certain times, rather than part of my core identity. I can only make choices for myself, for my own reasons. I did tell my partner when we "closed" our relationship, that while I can agree to this today, I cannot guarantee my needs won't change in time. And that I promised that if they ever did, I'd be honest with him and renegotiate in good faith. I think that "I reserve the right to grow, change, and renegotiate if need be" clause might be how I navigated the question you describe, of having any possible reservations...maybe not today, but who knows about tomorrow?

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Not really. Mostly because he is an EXCEPTIONAL fit for my needs, and I found poly to be wonderful in many ways, yet ultimately not fitting into my overall life well. I just did not have the time and energy to keep up the pace of trying to be a good girlfriend to a number of people. Also, I can go through times of life where my interest in exploring or making a sexual or romantic connection with someone new, is pretty much nil. So the only twinge of "maybe I shouldn't have gone mono" has been connected to one former partner and lingering thoughts/feels from that...and he specifically was problematic and not a good idea for me to try to be with on any level. My lingering feels for that guy have faded over time. I don't desire anyone else enough to even have the thought. No one that I've been with, and no one that I have not. And if I had to choose one partner, I wouldn't choose anyone but the man I'm with.
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I haven't been on for a while, but I'll respond to this from last month:
"Hello Spork

This is edpsy77, I am newbie on the forum. I recently read a post of yours that said you had poly inclinations but you remained monogamous for your man. You felt you did not have a strong need to have sex and romance outside the relationship. I am in a dilemma somewhat because if I naturally desired to be mono with my future girlfriend, I would still want a poly accepting relationship in principle. BTW She still would have the opportunity to have sex and romance with other men even if I just want to have sex and romance only with her.

I was curious if you ever had reservations about being poly for him based on the principle that you should be able to have sex and romance with other men?"

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Part 2 of 2:

I think that monogamous programming covers many areas, the fiction that romantic love is a scarce energy is one of those areas. It's obvious to me that romantic love is an abundant energy, like the other kinds of love.

Re: "River just yelled at me!"

Sorry he did that. There's not much I can do about it as I am not a mod, you might want to contact one of the mods and let them know.

(Finis)

Part 1 of 2:

I think that jealousy is seen as a virtue anytime romantic love is involved, whether mono or poly. Like jealousy is a sign of true love, jealousy is a healthy way of expressing love. This is a dysfunctional belief.

Re: "Re: 'In broad strokes, I divide the reasons for practicing monogamy into two main groups. The first group is, because monogamy is a natural fit for someone, it makes them happy.' Are you referring to simply wanting one partner only or avoiding the possible jealousy in polyamory by being monogamous?"

Basically I mean simply wanting one partner only. Although, I don't object if someone does it to avoid jealousy. It's their life, they can decide based on their own criteria. As long as they don't tell me how to live, that's my main thing.

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If someone would feel jealous in a polyamorous situation, then I would actually advise them to stick with monogamy. Polyamory isn't good for everyone. You need a certain amount of poly hardwiring in order to be happy living a poly life. Some people are hardwired for monogamy, and that is okay. I'm a believer in "live and let live." I don't disapprove of monogamy. I do however disapprove of social programming. People should be taught to follow the dictates of their own conscience, not the dictates of some church, family, or government.

Such are my initial thoughts on the matter, hopefully that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

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Part 2 of 3:

Re: "I contend that monogamy is inspired by hypothetical sexual/romantic jealousy. In other words, people choose to be contractually monogamous because if they were polyamorous they would be haunted by jealousy. I really see this as obvious but maybe there is more to the picture. Do you agree or is this really a simplistic view of contractual monogamy?"

In broad strokes, I divide the reasons for practicing monogamy into two main groups. The first group is, because monogamy is a natural fit for someone, it makes them happy. The second group is, because someone has been socially programmed to practice monogamy, they would feel guilty if they did otherwise. The second group is a bad reason to be monogamous. The first group is a good reason. I have no objections to monogamy as long as conditioning isn't the main driving force behind it.

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Part 1 of 3:

Hi edpsy77,

Re: "You responded to some of my posts regarding friends opposing polyamory. I know that this board doesn't really focus on the politics of polyamory but I was wondering how you guys would defend poly while you avoid attacking monogamy."

For me it's pretty simple. As long as no one is being hurt by it, and as long as there is mutual consent, well then, there's not a problem. Let's say you have three people practicing polyamory with each other. Are they hurting anyone? No. Are they mutually consenting? Yes. Well in that case, what the hell is the problem? We don't have to live according to someone else's code of morality just because they disapprove of us.

(Continued in Part 2)