Intro/thoughts

Hey all - new here and looking for some perspective on my situation. My wife (38F) and I (45M) have been together 10 years, married 7, no kids.

In late January, during the course of some other heavy life discussions, my partner brought up that over the course of the previous several months (since Oct) she had been talking more with an long-term remote friend (M, in an open relationship) and that they had developed romantic feelings and that she was interested in pursuing an open relationship with him.

A little background, in December she asked if I knew that some friends of ours were ENM, which I did, and she asked what my thoughts were on that. At that time, I said that I get that I may work for them, and it may for other people, but that I didn't feel like that was the commitment that I had made in our relationship, or what I was hoping for in a partner. I have some experiences in relationships-both family and romantic-that shaped this view, and my wife knows about these experiences.

After she brought her specific relationship up, I was rocked. She's indicated that I am the priority and that the new relationship would be subordinate. Largely this has been presented as being able to connect with a part of herself that she hasn't in a long time and that she's not sure that I will, or could ever connect with that part of her in a way that this other person can. I've since reconfirmed my thoughts on commitment to her, both in a letter and in words, and asked for patience and some space to work through this (now month) to try to figure out what I want and value and how this other relationship would affect those things.

After bringing the new relationship up this morning, asking if I wanted to be with her at all, I said that I did, but that I was not interested in the open relationship from the standpoint that I did not want to feel secondary in our relationship, and while the secondary relationship may positively impact her sense of self and well being, that I would likely pull back due to rejection/secondary feelings over time, which I feel is an honest answer right now, given the time I've had to explore this when she's had several months. After I said that, she asked if more discussion would change my mind. So, I guess I'm at a loss.

Any thoughts on good questions to ask or what to think of this?

Hello questionsabound,

You seem to be saying that you do not want open/poly at this time, however it is possible you will be okay with it in the future, as long as you are given enough time to work it out in your head and get used to the idea. And maybe you feel like your wife is rushing you. When the two of you got married, the assumption was that the marriage was a monogamous commitment, so you are not in the wrong to be saying you don't feel good about open/poly now. It's not what you signed up for.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

A little background, in December she asked if I knew that some friends of ours were ENM, which I did, and she asked what my thoughts were on that.

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When people come here asking how to get a spouse to consider ENM or polyamory, we often suggest to them that they should approach it with a generally phrased inquiry such as this to gauge the reaction without "dropping the poly bomb" - testing the waters, so to speak. If the spouse says they aren't interested for themselves, much like you have done, we tend to ask them to deeply reflect on whether or not they actually want to potentially blow up their marriage to pursue ENM/polyamory.

Oftentimes, like in your situation, it's because there is someone "waiting in the wings" and although it's generally been touted as best practice to not open up under such circumstances, the reality is it's more often than not that opening up is considered precisely because there is someone else interesting who has come along. The person suggesting the opening up is not interested in having an affair - they want to be up front. They are not interested in ending the existing relationship and monkey branching their way into serial monogamy - they haven't fallen out of love with their original partner. They genuinely believe that polyamory is in their wheelhouse. I did when I opened my marriage; I still do 10 years or so later. I didn't open up with my current second partner as the one in the wings - that person is now on the very periphery of my life - but I also started meeting other people who were polyamorous and connected with a few people before reducing to my current polycule.

But basically, once that Pandora's box has been opened, like your wife clearly has chosen to, nothing will ever be quite the same again. Some people will eventually return to monogamy, but possibly not with each other. If people do return to monogamy with each other, they don't tend to come back and tell us about it (there are a couple of exceptions to this, but we don't always get follow up posts after a year or more).

So, she's asked you if more discussion would change your mind. By discussion, she's probably talking about the education process of opening up. She may have found this site and read through our recommended articles already and wants you to, as well, and then discuss if there's any possibility for you to grow as a couple into this V relationship (V is when she would be the "hinge" between the two arms of the V). You could consider also dating yourself, which could create an N shaped relationship where you are both an arm and a hinge. So could her (future hypothetical) partner, thus creating a W shaped polycule (like molecule, but for polyamory). There's a lot of vocabulary that can be learned to help with effective communication. Do you want to learn more about ENM and polyamory? I'm guessing you're here because you are open to the possibility of learning if it could be something you can adapt to. Good on you!

Heads up, even if you do agree, even happily agree, there are going to be some crunches along the way - novices make mistakes and not all situations can be anticipated. We don't know what will bother us. When Adam was dating, I didn't care finding the occasional strand of her hair around the house, but I got suddenly and irrationally irate when he used one of my special coffee cups (gifted by friends) to make her a coffee. It's the little things like this that will blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday. How you get through this stuff - the unexpected conflicts - is what matters.

How you get through this...that's what matters.

kdt26417 said:

Hello questionsabound,

You seem to be saying that you do not want open/poly at this time, however it is possible you will be okay with it in the future, as long as you are given enough time to work it out in your head and get used to the idea. And maybe you feel like your wife is rushing you. When the two of you got married, the assumption was that the marriage was a monogamous commitment, so you are not in the wrong to be saying you don't feel good about open/poly now. It's not what you signed up for.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

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Thanks, Kevin. Yeah-the open relationship aspect has never really been an option I've considered, and largely trying to work through this from the perspective of what her needs are in this and how that affects my place in our relationship. As well as what my needs and wants in the relationship are. So turned here in hopes to hear some varying views. Appreciate moving the thread to the appropriate place.

Evie said:

So, she's asked you if more discussion would change your mind. By discussion, she's probably talking about the education process of opening up.

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Thanks for your thoughts. I think partially yes on the education part, I'm interested in learning more from the standpoint of understanding her fulfillment and how that plays into our relationship, both short and long term. Through the early portion of this it's felt very much like I'm expected to be the remain the stable (bedrock relationship) part while she explores something that both is subordinate and admittedly a long shot to ever work, which has also been hard for her to define. So reaching out here for some insight into potential ways I can ask some questions that can help me define what my role may be in this in hopes that I can understand it a little better than what I'm getting now. I will take a look through some of the articles, thanks for directing me that way.

"Bedrock" probably nails it.

Sometimes people call it Primary partnership, sometimes the Anchor partner, sometimes the Nesting partner. But it's oftentimes the same thing - the person with whom you have the most binding commitments.

questionsabound said:

Thanks for your thoughts. I think partially yes on the education part,

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The articles are all gathered in one thread in the Golden Nuggets section, along with many books, a podcast, etc.

questionsabound said:

I'm interested in learning more from the standpoint of understanding her fulfillment and how that plays into our relationship, both short and long term.

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Humans seek companionship. Most of us do not have just one friend, and one spouse, and that's it. We have circles of family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, community organizations, hobby groups, perhaps spiritual groups, etc. All of these individuals and groups provide support, entertainment, education, etc. Some provide love.

However, we are taught all of our romantic and sexual needs should ideally be provided for by one person, from our late teens/early 20s, til death parts us in our mid-80s. Most people accept this as a given, but do honestly feel attracted to many others, Maybe even on a daily basis, walking down the street, you may spot a half dozen people who turn your head, pique your interest.

In mono culture, you suppress this. You deny it to yourself. Perhaps automatically. If you still start to get close to someone, online, or at work, you suffer emotional, perhaps even physical pain. You feel guilt, shame, conflict if you are already in a mono relationship.

In polyamory, you don't have to suppress these attractions (until you have "too many" to handle, emotionally or time-wise).

questionsabound said:

Through the early portion of this it's felt very much like I'm expected to be the remain the stable (bedrock relationship) part while she explores something that both is subordinate and admittedly a long shot to ever work, which has also been hard for her to define.

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You could be the "bedrock" or primary, if you practice hierarchical polyamory. But many of us practice egalitarian poly, and are open to more than one primary, as a partner gains more importance in our lives.

New poly folk often start out thinking it has to be hierarchical, and get upset when a newer partner becomes more important in their life, or their established partner's life. They fear the loss of status. Skill is needed to keep things balanced. But it can still be healthy and fulfilling. Your partner's partner can become a good friend over time, and benefit you.

questionsabound said:

So reaching out here for some insight into potential ways I can ask some questions that can help me define what my role may be in this in hopes that I can understand it a little better than what I'm getting now. I will take a look through some of the articles, thanks for directing me that way.

Click to expand...

In Golden Nuggets, several books on Poly 101 are mentioned, such as Opening Up, Polysecure, Sex at Dawn, to name a few.

A common issue is "NRE," new relationship energy, or infatuation, where a person gets so swept up (hormonally) in the new partner that they neglect the established partner. The "poly hell" article addresses this.

I think one question I’d ask (to your wife) is “How much have YOU learned about polyamory and what do you know about being a good hinge?” Because so often the person doing the opening with a partner in the wings gets NRE and forgets to be a good hinge, blurs boundaries, indulges in constant texting, stops dating the primary, etc… But when someone is a sensitive hinge and a good communicator - then everything works so much better. Polyamory has certainly enriched my life and I’d never go mono again, but it was a bumpy ride at the start when we were all learning.