hetcurious19
Member
M22, would like to know if Im really poly or not. Not really sure about what to put here, but interested in talking to know more about this. Have a nice day ;P
New, want to learn more
- Thread starter hetcurious19
- Start date
Greetings hetcurious19,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
Poly is a combination of three things; first, the capacity to be in love with multiple people; second, the desire to be in love with multiple people; and third, the willingness to have one's partner be in love with someone in addition to oneself. You should also visualize what you are looking for in the way of a poly configuration, whether a threesome, a triad, or even a V. All three of these are possibilities, and there are others. Anyway, keep reading and posting on this forum, so that you can learn what poly is all about.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
Poly is a combination of three things; first, the capacity to be in love with multiple people; second, the desire to be in love with multiple people; and third, the willingness to have one's partner be in love with someone in addition to oneself. You should also visualize what you are looking for in the way of a poly configuration, whether a threesome, a triad, or even a V. All three of these are possibilities, and there are others. Anyway, keep reading and posting on this forum, so that you can learn what poly is all about.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
Correct.
A "threesome" refers to a single occurrence of group sex among three individuals. This is not polyamory, since it can be based in sexual desire only. Generally a couple finds a single person who is interested in having sex with two other people at once. This may or may not be repeated, and feelings of love may or may not develop. The point is the sex, not the love.
A triad is a polyamorous configuration where all three individuals are basically equally romantically (and usually sexually) involved with each other.
In both of these scenarios, the single individual "brought in" by the couple for sex may end up feeling used merely to "spice up" the couple's sex life. They are known as "secondaries" and their rights as a member of the relationship may be few.
A "V" is the most common polyamorous configuration, and the most stable and successful. One individual is romantically involved with two others, but those two are not involved with each other. The person in the middle is called the "hinge," and the two others are called the "arms" or "legs" of the V.
Plus, usually or often, the arms of the "V" date other people too, forming larger networks we jokingly call "polycules"
Dating can have different intensity. Polyamory usually refers to non-hierarchical arrangements, where it's possible for the newer partner to become as old as the old partner and enatangle his life with the hinge, even to the point where the hinge splits his time equally between two families, if desired. But polyamorous people often do find partners who only want to date them a couple of times a month because they have their own family obligation, or who are from afar and come over to spend a weekend or week...
If you have one "primary" or "nesting" partner and only allow outside relationships to grow so far, this is called hierarchical polyamory (more emphasis on feelings) or an open relationship (more emphasis on sex). These work fine for many people if they find compatible partners, but sometimes backfire.
You should give us way more detail about yourself and your desires to get personalized feedback.
hetcurious19
Member
Of course, but I would rather do it through a dm if thats ok
We are an anonymous board. Most people come here looking to crowd source info, to get a range of opinions. It's more practical than looking to find one mentor that will commit to helping you privately. You won't get outed, if that's what you're worried about.
hetcurious19
Member
I think I'm not comfortable yet, but I get the point. Thank god I found this place. All of you are so kind.
TheGangTrysPoly
New member
Hey bud, poly has different meanings for different situations. For a person who's single, it's going to mean there's something closer to just open dating. You would want to be an open communicator with anyone you are dating so they know that you are not being exclusive. Some people will be okay with it and some won't. Honesty is the most important part, all the time, every time.
For marrying couples, it's a bit different and the married couples sort of define how it works for them uniquely.
Examples: Some married couples will exclusively only do hard swap physical exchanges, where as, some couples each individually date someone long term, while others will see numerous people in a dating way and only have the one committed marital relationship.
Hope this helps.
hetcurious19
Member
Well, for me, its the possibility of sharing romantical and sexual love with more than one person. Also how long should I wait until I tell my partner? six months? a year?
What?
You should tell your prospective partners before you even kiss them. They have the right to make informed decisions about dating you.
hetcurious19
Member
Just to clarify (something I didnt in this post but did on another one) Im already in a monogamous relationship, thats what I was referring to, how long should I wait/research/explore before I tell my current partner.
Ohh, okay, that's a sensible question. You can research it for as long as you want, to be clear on what you want, to be able to answer any questions well when you do tell her. Just keep in mind that when you do tell her, say after 6 months, she will need at least that long to consider it before being able to understand it well enough to give joyful consent.
But she might give a clear "Hell no," right at the start. In that case, it's pointless and rude to try and "convert" her. If you're sure it's something you can't live without, and something she would hate to have in her life, you two are not compatible and it's useless to drag it out.
I can think of two examples not related to polyamory that would be similar. You want kids and she definitely doesn't, is one. The other is you want to join the military, or take up an extreme sport that is dangerous, time-consuming and expensive, like, say, you want to climb Mt Everest. She doesn't want to be the partner of someone who is highly invested in these things she wants no part of, for good, practical reasons. You don't have to disrespect her by trying to convince her she'll be fine, and even happier, to stand by you and support these ideas. That is sure to backfire.
I still think it's better to talk about these desires right away. As Magdlyn says, they will need their own time to process and come to a decision. You might want to at least test the waters with some hypothetical questions.
It's commonly recommended that couples read "Opening up" or another introductory book together, chapter by chapter, and think about the implications for several months.
IMHO the only risk of speaking up early is that eventually you may decide non-monogamy is not for you after all while they decide it IS for them
I think this is a smaller risk than your partner feeling blindsighted and betrayed that you've kept such a huge thing secret. The other risk is you will be rejected outright, but that would only happen later if you wait.
Last edited:
Another risk is that you will both agree to be non-monogamous but she gets a ton of dates and you can't get any. <--- This is a tl;dr sentence as there are nuances in the way that it could play out, but basically being non-mono makes women more attractive in the eyes of most men and men less attractive in the eyes of most women. You can read around the forum and find metric tons of examples like this.IMHO the only risk of speaking up early is that eventually you may decide non-monogamy is not for you after all while they decide it IS for them
TheGangTrysPoly
New member
I am a very big believer in open direct communication at any/every stage of a relationship. I think current and all former partners should be told immediately.
Ultimately, if it's not for them, you are actually wasting their time and yours. You deserve to be your true self, and they deserve to find someone who has the same things that they want in a relationship.
hetcurious19
Member
Well, cool. Thanks for your time and effort and I will try to elaborate on every post at once.
The possibility of me being poly is recent. As I said, my partner has bi tendencies and would like to experience something with a girl (mostly sexually).
For my part, I know that I want a stable triad within my partner, another girl and me. Maybe I'm a hypocrite, or a needy mf, but I think that it would be a rich experience, both at the romantical level and sexual level (things I already explained in another post here). But she stated in another context that an active dating life is not for her, which I replied the same. (PD: Adding this because I think is important, we both share the attraction to determine features on woman, we both agree that one naturally looks, she feels comfortable, but I don't really, I feel like I'm deceiving her and sometimes prefer to blind myself to never look again and experience this weird feeling; hope I had explain myself).
I couldn't say monogamy isn't for me, I really like it, and I really like my partner; just thought of it as cool for both of us if we explored this "common things" we have and see what happens.
My main trouble to rn is that I don't want to ruin my relationship by expressing her this. I have the balls to say that I want her to be the mother of my sons and daughters, I don't want to ruin shit just for "silly thoughts". That's why I want to learn more, maybe is just a coping mechanism but need to have some back up.
The possibility of me being poly is recent. As I said, my partner has bi tendencies and would like to experience something with a girl (mostly sexually).
For my part, I know that I want a stable triad within my partner, another girl and me. Maybe I'm a hypocrite, or a needy mf, but I think that it would be a rich experience, both at the romantical level and sexual level (things I already explained in another post here). But she stated in another context that an active dating life is not for her, which I replied the same. (PD: Adding this because I think is important, we both share the attraction to determine features on woman, we both agree that one naturally looks, she feels comfortable, but I don't really, I feel like I'm deceiving her and sometimes prefer to blind myself to never look again and experience this weird feeling; hope I had explain myself).
I couldn't say monogamy isn't for me, I really like it, and I really like my partner; just thought of it as cool for both of us if we explored this "common things" we have and see what happens.
My main trouble to rn is that I don't want to ruin my relationship by expressing her this. I have the balls to say that I want her to be the mother of my sons and daughters, I don't want to ruin shit just for "silly thoughts". That's why I want to learn more, maybe is just a coping mechanism but need to have some back up.
Last edited:
hetcurious19
Member
The level of truth in this post is making me shit bricks
hetcurious19
Member
And update: by talking about non related stuff, she told me that things that make her feel casted aside and replacable hurt her the most due to childhood experiencies and a conversation about this stuff definetely would trigger that and wouldnt help at all even thou she mentioned her bi tendencies. Again, Its not the sexual exploration that drivens me; thinking about my partner about exploring it in a stable relationship with a third one feels right to me like "if she want it she deserves it".
Idk what you guys think about. From my side, Im starting to feel that im avoiding the conversation in a pursue of "knowing more about it".
Idk what you guys think about. From my side, Im starting to feel that im avoiding the conversation in a pursue of "knowing more about it".
Well, what does drive you?
What does she want to do about her bi tendencies?
Where is the motivation to... open... really coming from? Are you trying to solve her problem for her, or solve something that isn't a problem at all?
Are you actually feeling fearful about your partners capacity to love women/ other people? Are you educating yourself for the eventuality she wants to open but hope it never happens?
What does she want to do about her bi tendencies?
Where is the motivation to... open... really coming from? Are you trying to solve her problem for her, or solve something that isn't a problem at all?
Are you actually feeling fearful about your partners capacity to love women/ other people? Are you educating yourself for the eventuality she wants to open but hope it never happens?
hetcurious19
Member
First question: I find it cool. Both in the sexual aspect and the personal aspect; maybe Im just fantasizing about it but I have this sense that it could be a life changing experience for the better later on in our lives (basically when we have some stability). Difficult as well but I kinda want to see what happens in the long run, we are definitely not fans of brief experiences/relationships
Second question (and the rest): She told that she wants to explore them with my consent, lets say, together. She told me that she is kinda shy to do it also (and btw never developed further into the topic). She feels safe letting me lead the way but I would love to see her develope some confidence about her sexuality and having a partner as long as she doesnt get hurt too much. But again, I dont think she has this kind of thoughts nor its focus into exploring it herself.
Idk where IT comes from but I perceived the thoughs about it as truth and achievable and realistinc (maybe delusional idk). She expressed fear of falling in love with a woman, and I noticed that she really looks at them when she likes them; she told me that she looks at them like if they were a nice wort of art, adn we even joke about it, we have no shame of looking (I kinda do, I feel like a deceiver).
About the last question i would love if she sits down one day and talks about this, I would noticed that we truly share the desire, and it wouldnt be a negotiation, but a conversation about the topic; I wouldnt even be here if I knew there is a clue that she wants to have this convo, but Im the one that wants and I gotta be responsible about it.
Second question (and the rest): She told that she wants to explore them with my consent, lets say, together. She told me that she is kinda shy to do it also (and btw never developed further into the topic). She feels safe letting me lead the way but I would love to see her develope some confidence about her sexuality and having a partner as long as she doesnt get hurt too much. But again, I dont think she has this kind of thoughts nor its focus into exploring it herself.
Idk where IT comes from but I perceived the thoughs about it as truth and achievable and realistinc (maybe delusional idk). She expressed fear of falling in love with a woman, and I noticed that she really looks at them when she likes them; she told me that she looks at them like if they were a nice wort of art, adn we even joke about it, we have no shame of looking (I kinda do, I feel like a deceiver).
About the last question i would love if she sits down one day and talks about this, I would noticed that we truly share the desire, and it wouldnt be a negotiation, but a conversation about the topic; I wouldnt even be here if I knew there is a clue that she wants to have this convo, but Im the one that wants and I gotta be responsible about it.