Toxic Jealousy Pattern

Blossom Moon

Blossom Moon

New member
I recently entered my first poly relationship with a woman that identifies as ENM. I really wanted to learn about the lifestyle and integrate myself. But I've struggling with a cyclic pattern of jealousy. Every 5 weeks, I go into a spiral in which I start feeling uncomfortable with certain aspects of our dynamic. Every time, it gives her the impression I'm trying to break up with her when I feel I'm trying to verbalize something. So it creates drama. It feels like some toxic masculinity tendencies popping up or just my nervous system spiking up on a cycle. As anyone experience something familiar?
 
Hmmm.

If you were a woman and this was four weeks, this would be much easier to comment on :D

Cyclic conflicts (usually with less regular periods) sometimes do signalize a fundamental incompatibility.

Do your best to verbalize that stuff you need to verbalize sooner - when you're not already in the middle of a local crisis.
 
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Sweet J. said:
I recently entered my first poly relationship
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How recently?
Sweet J. said:
with a woman that identifies as ENM. I really wanted to learn about the lifestyle and integrate myself. But I've struggling with a cyclic pattern of jealousy. Every 5 weeks, I go into a spiral in which I start feeling uncomfortable with certain aspects of our dynamic.
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How many 5-week "cycles" have you had? Are there any identifiable aspects of your dynamic that reoccur on a regular basis?
Sweet J. said:
Every time, it gives her the impression I'm trying to break up with her when I feel I'm trying to verbalize something. So it creates drama.
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That could be her reaction to the way you say things, rather than what you're saying. Or there could be other reasons. I personally think it's unfair to threaten to break up with someone, just to get your way, or avoid your own emotions or responsibilities, when you don't mean to carry out the breakup.

How many partners does she have?
How often do you get to see her?
Do you get to spend overnights?
Do you get to go on fun vanilla dates, meet her friends, etc.?
Are you two actually compatible?
Sweet J. said:
It feels like some toxic masculinity tendencies popping up, or just my nervous system spiking up on a cycle. Has anyone experienced something [similar]?
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So you mean you feel jealous of her other male lovers?
Are your needs all being met? Have you identified and shared your needs and desires? Can or will she meet them?
Are you seeing just her, or are you dating other people as well, who could also help to meet your romantic or social needs?
 
I'm sorry all this is happening. It's hard to give feedback when your post is so sparse.

Just some reflection questions to try to help you. Don't feel like you have to answer them all here. You do not have to answer any, just maybe think on some of them.

I recently entered my first poly relationship with a woman that identifies as ENM.
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Are you both using words the same way? Is this the problem-- you want polyamory, where you date and have more than one BF/GF/partner-type person to share romance and sex with, but she wants ENM/open for casual sex instead? Or some other kind of non-monogamy?

I really wanted to learn about the lifestyle and integrate myself.
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What "lifestyle"? What are you integrating? Do you want to learn about polyamory and integrate this into your own life and start poly dating? Or you are trying to integrate yourself into her life? Or is there something else you are integrating?

But I've struggling with a cyclic pattern of jealousy. Every 5 weeks, I go into a spiral in which I start feeling uncomfortable with certain aspects of our dynamic.
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What aspects of this dynamic are uncomfortable?
What behaviors does she do that you don't like?
What behaviors do you do that you don't like?
What happens every 5 weeks? Why so specific?
Does she travel for work, and it happens when she's gone or gets back?
Something else?

Every time, it gives her the impression I'm trying to break up with her when I feel I'm trying to verbalize something. So it creates drama.
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I'm going to guess. I might guess wrong. Is that how she shuts conversation down with you? Takes it to the break-up place and wigs out, and you end up having to "comfort" her, and then somehow your original concerns never get discussed? They get side-stepped?

Does she expect you to be her emotional regulator, rather than regulating herself?

It feels like some toxic masculinity tendencies popping up, or just my nervous system spiking up on a cycle. Has anyone experienced something [similar]?
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What does this mean?
What toxic masculinity tendencies?
Did this happen to you before in past relationships, your nervous system spiking every 5 weeks? Or is it just with this one person?

Ultimately, someone has to be the first non-monogamous person you date. It doesn't automatically mean they do non-monogamy well, that you both want the same kind(s) of non-monogamy, or that you two are compatible enough in interests, values, lifestyles.

It's like any other dating. Some potentials are going to be a long-term match; some are not.

It's okay if this person was a gamechanger in the sense that they made you realize polyamory existed/was a possibility. But it doesn't necessarily mean this is long-term compatible -- esp if your nervous system is taking hits every 5 weeks.

If you two recently started dating, and it's this much drama already, it's okay to end things politely and bow out. It's okay to want something more calm. It's okay to not want drama.

Galagirl
 
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