In need of some advice

I need some advice y'all. I’m in a really weird situation.

I have a friend who I’ve known for almost four years, initially through studying medicine, and then a friendship of its own, to now me dating her husband. They are poly, but they are married, nesting partners, share children, finances, run a household together, etc., and I used to be a big part of their daily lives as their friend, but now our relationships have forever shifted since me and her husband have been falling in love. It’s been a few months now, but we’d been friends for a year before that.

I guess I’ve been getting into this orienting to the essence of a poly family, just deepening my already existing strong connection with both of them. But that’s not how she’s viewing it. She sees it as a loss, which makes sense because they’ve been together for almost 12 years and this is the first time she’s ever experienced having to share him like this. But it still hurts and sucks that she sees it as me gaining something and her losing something, because that’s not what I see as most sustainable in the long term. I see like an abundance and gain of community and love.

evolvingsprout said:

I need some advice y'all. I’m in a really weird situation.

I have a friend who I’ve known for almost four years, initially through studying medicine, and then a friendship of its own, to now me dating her husband. They are poly, but they are married, nesting partners, share children, finances, run a household together, etc., and I used to be a big part of their daily lives as their friend, but now our relationships have forever shifted since me and her husband have been falling in love. It’s been a few months now, but we’d been friends for a year before that.. I guess I’ve been getting into this orienting to the essence of a poly family, just deepening my already existing strong connection with both of them. But that’s not how she’s viewing it. She sees it as a loss, which makes sense because they’ve been together for almost 12 years and this is the first time she’s ever experienced having to share him like this. But it still hurts and sucks that she sees it as me gaining something and her losing something, because that’s not what I see as most sustainable in the long term. I see like an abundance and gain of community and love.

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I don't think you have a better option than acknowledge it is a loss for her, continue to be friendly (without forcing contact) and give her time. There may or may not be also gains for her, but they may not be very visible right now - a few months is still in the middle of change.

Hello evolvingsprout,

Sorry your friend is distancing herself from you. It seems to me that if she (along with her husband) is polyamorous, she should be okay with her husband dating someone else (you). Obviously she is not okay. I'm not sure that polyamory is a good fit for her. In the meantime, you have gained a lover and lost a friend. It's a shame it has to be that way, I feel for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

I'm with Kevin. If your female friend is poly, what exactly does she feel she is she losing by her husband dating you? Are they just brand new to actually practicing polyamory? Is her husband doing a bad job as a hinge? Does she want to date others but not have him date others?

Can you please be more specific about the problems?

they’ve been together for almost 12 years and this is the first time she’s ever experienced having to share him like this

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I take it they've been practicing some form of non-monogamy/hierarchical poly for some unspecified time, but this is the first time something got actually this serious. That happens.

We've been a "V" for over ten years, plus the occasional crushes and play partners. But if Idealist now found someone new to be more than a play partner, it would not be easy.

Could be a hinge issue as well, of course...

But it still hurts and sucks that she sees it as me gaining something and her losing something, because that’s not what I see as most sustainable in the long term. I see like an abundance and gain of community and love.

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I think you each will have your own experience of it, and you have to accept that different people have different experiences, even at the same event. You might find the rock concert awesome. I might find it a sensory nightmare. Still the same venue, same concert.

I think what is sustainable long term is to let people each have their own feelings/experiences how they have them, and be ok with that.

You are in NRE, all twitterpated with the new love. And maybe a little bit in love with the IDEA of polyamory, like another kind of NRE at the same time.

She's grieving. Even if this is wanted, the "old normal" is gone for her and the "new normal" isn't here yet. She's going to mourn the old relationship she had with him and with you. Even if they were poly a long time, if this is the first time he is dating her FRIEND, that is going to hit different than if he's dating someone he met on an app. You were friends with her for 4 years and friends with him for 1 year. And now this is a big change in those friendships. She may feel the loss of you as a close friend because now you are not "plain friend," but "friend who is also my metamour," and there are things she cannot or does not feel okay sharing with you any more.

So this probably feels destabilizing, and she doesn't get any NRE lalas to help boost her up. You are basically on one track of emotional change and she's on another.

Maybe a visual aid helps. Scroll to the middle of the page. It's going to feel different for each of you, especially if you are on Track A and she is on Track B for stages of emotional change.


Might also want to read "poly hell."


And... what happens when she starts dating? Or husband starts dating someone else and you aren't the new shiny person any more? Or you want to date someone else? It won't always be this husband with two partners. You and she might also have more dating partners later on. Might be worth thinking about.

Enjoy your NRE time with your new partner, but consider not having dates in their shared home right now, even if you used to hang out there at lot when you were all friends. She needs space too.

Be respectful of each other being at different places in this journey. I think that is more sustainable long term than expecting her to feel like you do. Maybe in your excitement it hasn't hit you yet. She's not your "plain friend" anymore either. She's now your "metamour and friend," and what you used to share with a friend may be oversharing with a metamour. So the friendship is changing. Boundaries are going to be different.

Take it easy the first year or two while things reform and normalize again.

Galagirl

Yeah these are all great points. It does sound kind poly hell. To answer the questions, this is the first time her husband is falling in love with someone else, she already fell in love with other partners and has one other long standing relationship, but this is her first time witnessing her husband do it. And, it’s with someone who’s already so close with her and so close with their family and children, so that proximity is making the attachment/bond changes carry that might weight.