How to be an ethical couple for a triad?

Hey everyone, I'm new to the site. I've read good things about the input provided here and this sites community overall. I'm hoping to get some input and perspective as I continue to think through things to make sure that I am approaching this situation ethically, while also trying to grow as an individual. I like to think that I've got pretty thick skin, so please don't worry about being blunt, I'd rather hear your direct (rational) thoughts rather than try to read between the lines.

Situation: I've previously explored polyamory in very minor ways in my late teens and early twenties. I have my reasons for reverting back to monogamy, but in reality, I was just repressing something that was still there. Fast forward and I'm now happily married to a wonderful and beautiful woman, our marriage is rock solid and perhaps one of the healthiest I've encountered - we're great at communication, 100% honest with one another, enjoy being around each other, but also enjoy our independence. Recently, an event caused the poly possibility to resurface and after weeks of rolling things around in my head, talking to members of the community, and a relationship therapist, I told her about my past and explained that I'd like to open up our relationship - specifically seeking a triad structure.


Before you jump to assumptions, please let me explain a few things:

1) Yes, I'm a cis het male. I've explored my bi-sexual side and after a few encounters was able to recognize that it wasn't for me. At this point in my life I am exclusively attracted to the feminine physique.

2) I would classify myself as ambiamorous, but lean a little more towards the poly side.

3) I'm not trying to dive straight into bed. Don't get me wrong, my sex drive is pretty intense, but through my experiences, sex has becoming a bonding experience to me - something to be shared with only those that I'm closest to and it takes a while for me to get to that point. It reinforces and expresses my emotional attachment. I bring this up to make it clear that I am not looking for a sex toy.


So why a (closed) triad structure?

4) While I am a firm believer that love is infinite, time and energy are not. I see a triad structure as an ideal way to be able to invest time and energy into both of my partners (do not interpret this to mean only a sexual investment). After lots of reading, conversations, and videos, it is clear that distribution of time and energy are among the most difficult things to manage in poly relationships.

5) Traid vs quad vs moresome? Kind of similar to situation above. The number of people increases the complexity. I think it is incredible that there are those out there who can manage this, but it becomes inherently more difficult to manage the exponential increase in the number of relationships between all members and the whole as numbers increase.

6) I have zero issues with the structure that anyone else chooses for their relationship, but that triad seems ultra natural to me, but more important, it's so damn beautiful from my perspective (watching others and discussions). Not everyone feels that way, and that's fine; beauty is subjective.


Here is where I need input and would really appreciate some new perspectives.

A) By definition of being in an established relationship and looking for someone else that would be interested in both myself and my wife, we're immediately labeled as unicorn hunters and automatically vilified because of the relationship structure that we're seeking. I've read dozens of articles, forum posts, etc. that talk about how terrible people are for looking for a "third" and how unethical this is, but I dare anyone to try to draw a triangle or any other polygon without first connecting two points. Is it just that bad actors have given "unicorn hunters" a terrible reputation, or is there something I'm missing? I am coming at this from the perspective of someone who is genuinely trying to do this ethically and as someone who is compassionate. Why is it treated so wrong to look for someone who is interested in both members of a pre-existing relationship if that is what the other person wants to? I'm really struggling to understand where all the hate comes from.

B) I've seen a lot of shade thrown at the concept of relationship structures like triads and quads, especially when they are closed. What is the issue if all members agree that this is their polysaturation level?

C) I am no interested in relationship hierarchy - equality is SO important to me, but my relationship with my wife is over a decade old, how do I/we manage this when we start dating? How can we make sure the person we're dating (individually and together) doesn't feel at a disadvantage? How do we manage our existing relationship (between my wife and I) to blend into a non-hierarchical triad over time?

*D) One of the arguments that seems to make sense to me is that in a triad, a breakdown between one of the couples results in someone being a hinge. This represents an incredibly complex issue, especially if all parties entered into this relationship with the aspiration of 4 relationships (A+B, B+C, C+A, A+B+C). So if one of those relationships ends for whatever the reason, then what happens to the remaining relationships. I am having considerable difficult in managing this particular concept and thinking through it ethically. If the goal of all three parties was to specifically be a triad, then what the hell does everyone do?



Any thoughts that anyone has on this would be appreciated. I don't want to hurt anyone and of course, I don't want to be hurt either. Please help me navigate this. If you're kind enough to share some input, please let me know what relationship structure you're in or have pursued. Have you been a "unicorn" that was hurt or one that ended up in a fantastic relationship? The angle of your perspective will help as I process everything.

Thanks in advance.

Feel free to read around the site. We get a lot of this sort of thing around here, so there are a great deal of resources right at your fingertips. If you search for "triad" or "third partner" in either General Discussions or Poly Relationships Corner, you should be able to read what people have written over the years because your situation is not unique and the same advice applies to you as it did to the others.

Good luck in your journey, and welcome to the forum!

Hello Beautiful Disaster,

Unicorn hunter triads aren't necessarily evil, the point is that they can be very difficult, complicated, and unlikely. There is a tendency for one of the links to fizzle, leaving behind a V where there was a triad. Which actually isn't a terrible outcome, as long as all three people can live with it and the "third" isn't discarded as a failed triad link.

What would be bad is if the third was treated as an accessory, rather than a human being of equal importance and with equal say in the conditions and practices of the triad. Just as one example, it would be questionable if the third could only have threesome sex with the other two, while the original couple could still have one-on-one sex with each other.

Another questionable practice is to make the third a secret part of the relationship, not introducing the third to friends and family as an equal partner in the relationship, excluding the third from birthdays and holidays, that sort of thing. If you're going to have a triad, precede that intention with the act of coming out to your family and friends.

Whatever the details of your triad will be, communicate those to your prospective third ahead of time. Make sure that third knows exactly what she is getting into, and that you have her consent for all that. Ideally, the rules you establish should be open to alteration given the third's input, she should have a say in how things will operate.

I assume you would not consider a candidate who already has a partner of her own. You should also consider how you will handle it if a candidate has children from a prior relationship. And as you mentioned, it is hard to manage the hierarchy where you and your wife have more trust and history. You just start out as equally as possible with that in mind.

The idea of a triad carries a good deal of romantic appeal, however a V tends to be a lot more stable. If one of the links in your triad fizzles, you'll just have to accept that reality. If you're going to break up with the third in that situation, then at least explain that possibility to your third at the very beginning. She should have the chance to consent to that ahead of time.

I personally am one of the male legs in an MFM V. We are not looking to add any partners to our V, and both of the males are straight, so there is no possibility of a triad. Adding a fourth partner to our mix would be quite an involved process, but it's not out of the question. We became friends about 30 years ago, and have been together as a V for about 20 years.

Such is my perspective,
Kevin T.

You don't write about your wife's reaction to your proposal. I think that is the most important at this point, and also the biggest challenge to honesty right now - because you have a very clear idea what you want, it may be a challenge for your wife to tell you she might prefer a different structure down the road.

Re your complexity argument, ok, you see a triad as the easiest way to invest time into both of your partners. But I don't think this is really an argument for a triad - it's an argument for a kitchen table arrangement, where it's possible to have lunch or go to the movies all together without it causing friction. Which is also not a given, but a little bit less demanding, because there doesn't have to be partner-level compatibility between your new and established partners, just friend-level compatibility.

I'd say, since your partner presumably prefers dating man, it would be fair to give her the option, and besides a triad also allow for an "N" shaped network (or similar) where you can have a second partner of your choice and she can have a second partner of her choice.

If you can't imagine sharing your living space with a male partner of hers, please realize that's exactly what you are asking the women to do when proposing a closed triad... so if you ask your wife to do that without the option for the tables to turn, that's where your ethics crumble.

I can see you are thinking some things out. So good.

But your wife may not want polyamory at all. She may want polyamory but not a triad. She may want something like a V or fully separate relationships instead. None of those outcomes are unusual or unlikely.

A triad is the easiest to imagine: "Just like us now but with three." In practice, it is three Vs stacked up, and one of the hardest models for newbies.

It's harder than a single poly V.

• Wife + you as hinge + your new person

OR

• You + wife as hinge + her new person

It's harder than a poly N that is two Vs stacked up

• (wife's new person + {wife) + [you} + your new person]

So the real question isn’t how to build a triad. It’s whether you’re prepared for polyamory that doesn’t include a triad at all.

If your time and energy is limited and you only want two partners, you wife and X? Great. Limit your dating to two people, your wife and X. That doesn't mean your wife wants to limit hers to two people. Or that X does. Their time, energy, and capacity doesn't have to be the same as yours.

You could talk these possibilities over with your counselor:

• Your wife could say: "I appreciate your honesty, so I'll be honest back. No, thanks. I don't want any polyamory at all."
• Your wife could say: "I appreciate your honesty, so I'll be honest back. No, thanks. I don't want a triad. I'm only up for dating separately and not dating the same person. It could be a poly V, a poly N, or you could date me on this side, and go make a triad over there with two other people, while I do my own thing on my side."
• Your wife could say: "I appreciate your honesty, so I'll be honest back. I am up for poly. I don't want to form a triad with you. If I form a triad, it would be me with Red and Orange over on my side. You could be in a triad with Yellow and Green on your side. But a triad with you and me and Blue? Pass. I don't think you and I get long well enough to be in a triad together."

Then what? Are you prepared for all those options? Would you still want to change to polyamory?

If this doesn't pan out, and you and your wife have to break up, are you prepared for that?

Last, what are you asking your wife to actually do? Go to couples counseling with you to contemplate changing to poly? Start poly dating next week? Something in between? Get clarity on that before you ask your wife to do stuff. What are you asking her to do?

Galagirl

As for your questions:

A) Why does it have to start right away as a triad? Couldn't it be (e.g.,) your wife dates X for a year, and if it pans out, and people are okay with it, X dates you as well, the year after that? Like, it starts as a V and it becomes a triad over time, rather than an instant triad?

may help you with some of your other questions.

B) You and your wife are married. You have legal standing and other things that X would not have. Asking X to be closed to just you two means X has to give up seeking a spouse of her own. That might work if X does not want marriage at all. But what if she does? Do you and your wife get to have things X can't? How does that bump against your desire for "equality"?

Even when dating for monogamy, people don't agree to "go steady" from date one. Why would you want or expect that here?

C) Unless you and your wife divorce, it's just not going to be "equal." There is a hierarchy. There is nothing wrong with that, so long as people acknowledge it. "As close to co-primaries as possible" might be doable. For all you know, X also comes married to someone else. But acting like things like marriage, shared kids, property, etc., don't create a hierarchy is short-sighted.

D) In a triad there are already 3 hinges, because it is three Vs all stacked up together.

• A is a hinge because they date B and C.
• B is a hinge because they date A and C.
• C is a hinge because they date A and B.

If A + B break up--

• A is not a hinge anymore. They don't date B anymore. They still date C.
• B is not a hinge anymore. They don't date A anymore. They still date C.
• C is a hinge because they date A and B.

If they were doing it well and maintaining healthy boundaries--

• A & B would deal with their specific (A+B) dyad break-up grief without putting it on C.
• A doesn't comment on (C+B)'s relationship.
• B doesn't comment on (C + A)'s relationship.
• All of them grieve the end of the (A+B+C) triad they had originally hoped for. They accept this is now a poly V.

It's basically a "double break-up" on two layers. No more (A + B) in that particular dyad, which means no more (A+B+C) triad.

This is another reason why dating separately may be easier.

If it was (A + B) and (B + C) and (C + D) in a poly N, if A+ B break up, B is going to be sad. C could be sympathetic. But it's not also a triad break-up for C. It's just a break-up over there in the (A+B) dyad. C's own life keeps going. They keep dating B and keep dating D just like they have been.

Galagirl

Presenting as a package deal for a triad is largely considered unethical because of the ways it disempowers the third person.

Here are my notes on why, directed at potential unicorns:

Unicorn hunting for a significant other is when couples present as a package deal for a relationship. Veto power is inherent, because if you want to stop dating one person, they will automatically veto you from dating the other.

Unicorn hunting is always hierarchical. Because if both partners in the existing couple have the power to choose to date both of their partners without it being dependent on maintaining the relationship with the other, that is more power than the unicorn has.

Unicorn hunting is notorious amongst couples who have not put much legwork into opening up, as they often see the prospect of dating together as a way to avoid many of the unpleasant feelings (namely jealousy) present in non-monogamy. In practice, there is not necessarily less jealousy on a triadic relationship than in a dyadic one. Often there is more, because everything is in each other’s faces, and relationships are unlikely to develop at an equal pace.

The couple is often worried about the addition of a new person threatening their existing relationship. Often, couples won’t want nor expect anything to change between the two of them. In reality, creating a triad out of a dyad always involves ample change in the existing relationship. Couples who see the unicorn as a threat are prone to making a bunch of rules so that the third person doesn’t “come between” them. Sometimes the unicorn is expected to “know their place” as the least important member of the triad.

Unicorn hunters are notorious for having unchecked couple privilege. Sometimes the original couple is already married or gets married to each other while dating the unicorn, adding legal privileges that the unicorn doesn’t have. The unicorn typically gets no say in that decision. It is usually never up for consideration that the unicorn gets to marry one of the members of the original couple. Personally, I have never seen a package deal couple proactively do the work to dismantle couple privilege. Often, they aren’t even aware that couple privilege exists.

Unicorn hunting is highly unrealistic. It’s rare enough to be compatible for a serious relationship with one person. Now add a second person, and not a person you choose independently, it has to be the partner of your love interest. And the relationships are typically expected to develop at the exact same speed, with the unicorn expected to experience equal attraction to and love for both members of the original couple—even if the couple doesn’t have equal feelings for the unicorn as they do for each other.

You are denied agency and autonomy. You cannot end the relationship with one party without losing the relationship with the other. This kind of rule is coercive and undermines consent. You may feel pressure to keep dating someone you otherwise wouldn’t for fear of losing a relationship with someone you’ve fallen for. Or maybe you fall madly in love with both people, but one of them isn’t feeling it with you. You’ll then have to deal with two heartbreaks at once.

The original couple maintains hierarchy, either explicit or covert (sneakiarchy). The unicorn is expected to fit into the life and relationship of the original couple, even if it’s a big adjustment for the unicorn. They are unlikely to give the unicorn’s wants and needs equal weight as that of each other. They’ve often made rules and agreements ahead of time about the third person’s place in the relationship—without seeking the third person’s input. And said rules and agreements are often presented as take it or leave it—if they are willing to negotiate with the unicorn, the unicorn’s voice is often not given equal sway. Sometimes, they are not out as polyamorous so the unicorn has to pretend to be just a friend around the original couple’s friends and family. Sometimes, the unicorn is not allowed to have one-on-one sex with their partners, while they maintain that privilege with each other. Sometimes, the original couple reads each other’s private text conversations with the unicorn, but the unicorn does not get to read text conversations between the original couple. If the triad decides to live together, it is expected that the unicorn is the one uprooting their life to move in with the original couple. Sometimes, the original couple wants the triad to be closed—preventing the unicorn from ever finding their own primary or anchor partner, never being able to marry. The original couple is often older and in a better financial position than the unicorn, furthering the power imbalance.

What about the couple’s intentions? Typically, the original couple doesn’t intend to treat the unicorn unfairly. They just don’t stop to consider things from the unicorn’s perspective, or if they do, they are clouded by bias. Nonetheless, the impact on the unicorn can be quite detrimental.

There are some threads on triads archived in our Golden Nuggets section. Here is one, with information from the unicorn's POV:


Included at the end of that thread is the "hot bi babe flowchart," which shows how the unicorn hunt goes.


You said you've read articles, and see "hate" for triads from the general poly public, but it's not hate I feel. It's skepticism. I have seen too many hurt people who have tried triads (usually FMF, but sometimes MMM, FFF or even MFM). Too often, one member of the original couple (OC) feels insecure about the role the unicorn is playing in their long-term partner or spouse's heart.

When my ex-husband and I first tried to open, the internet was pretty new, and there was only one book about polyamory on the market. We made the classic unicorn-hunter mistakes. Nowadays there is so much info on the web, and there are so many books about polyamory, it's possible to avoid making those mistakes. Here is a list of poly resources on the web, articles, videos, fictional movies, and a list of books, and a podcast:


Another issue is NRE, or "new relationship energy." Both members of the OC might feel infatuated with the unicorn, and pay her undue attention, neglecting their original partner. Sometimes the man, for instance, may be highly sexually interested in the unicorn, and neglect his wife sexually/romantically, even while they are having threesome sex. Sometimes the unicorn has NRE for both members of the OC, but one or the other of the OC does not have strong romantic or sexual feelings for her, so the unicorn feels rejected.

Sometimes when a triad isn't living up to the OC's plan or fantasy (because the unicorn isn't a dream girl, a robot, or a toy but an actual human being), the OC has veto power, either spoken or unspoken. Say the wife feels like the unicorn is only pretending to like her to get to the husband. Say the unicorn isn't feeling love coming from the wife, and is "trying" to make that happen. People end up "trying to force" feelings of love and sexual desire to happen, even when it's not naturally there. So a wife might pressure the husband to break up with the unicorn and go back to one-on-one monogamy, breaking the husband's and unicorn's hearts. The husband might still "carry the torch" for the unicorn, for years, and not be interested in trying for a new, improved, better, more equal triad with "the right girl," as the wife might wish.

Here are two articles that address issues with triads (from another thread in Golden Nuggets):


https://davidlnoble.livejournal.com/176039.html (So, someone called you a unicorn hunter?)

Thank you to all who provided input, both here and through DM. It is wonderful to have people to turn to and examples to contemplate as I (and my wife navigate this). I do want to address a few points for clarity.
I elected to leave my wife's point of view out of this, namely because I have always made an effort to never speak for her, though I can see how it could be helpful. In short, she is willing to explore this as it is not something that she has ever considered before and is not the type of person to say no to something just because she is unfamiliar with it. We've had multiple conversations over several weeks, mentally exploring the various configurations and probing why certain ones do / don't align with what we each hope to get out of this (as well as what we want to put in). Through her own analysis she came to the same conclusion (of a closed triad) for many of these same reasons. However, both her and I recognize that we are human and that life experience can change preference over time. I think it's important to recognize that just in the same way that one/both of us may desire to become more open or try other configurations, it is equally as likely that one/both of us may recognize that we enjoy monogamy more than any other form of relationship (just to play devil's advocate).
I think the fact that I didn't provide a complete picture (would have been a very long post) that several assumptions were made out of necessity in order for some of the responses. For greater context, we would certainly never expect anyone to be exclusive to us right off the bat - I wouldn't do that for someone even if looking at it from a serial monogamy standpoint and agree that it would be unethical. Additionally, this is not something that we are rushing. We are not the type to dive headfirst without looking, nor do we want to hurt anyone else.

Distilling this down I feel like I can personally walk away with the following valuable information:
1) Be clear about everything up front - what makes Unicorn Hunting frowned upon and occasionally unethical is when information / dynamics are not shared up front, leading to assumptions that can hurt multiple parties - most importantly, all parties involved are their own individual persons and should each be treated as human in a loving way.
2) Accept the fact that a desired configuration from any given party may change over time and be willing to have this conversation. Just like in any relationship, there is no guarantee of "forever".
3) Be prepared to put in the hard work and effort to overcome the stereotypes that are associated with an established couple looking for their other human.
4) Understand that this is a slow process that may take months to years.
5) Destroying couple's privilege and ensuring minimal / no relationship hierarchy is going to be incredibly difficult - this will take major work from both my wife and myself so that anyone who is involved with either of us does not feel disadvantaged; because as someone put it, the goal here is for each two have two co-primaries.

Again, thank you all for your well articulated thoughts!

Good takeaway. I think you could hold your wish/ideal lightly (with the understanding you might end up with another configuration) and start exploring, just making new intimate friends and see if that's satisfying. Just read a few of horror stories about NRE on this forum beforehand to realize how hard to control that force is! O You have to understand that might happen....

Hello, my experience was/is that we started our three person group doing what we thought was kitchen table poly. What distilled from that (5 years later) was a FMF V type relationship. We do all live together.

The most important thing is to manage the allocation of time. attention and resources. I am married to my husband and he is handfasted to his other partner and we try and limit the couple priviledge as best we can. We are out to our families so they expect that all three of us will show up at Christmas and birthdays and such.

Hi! Reading your deep analysis of unicorn hunting and sensitivity to the sitatuation, I think you might have a shot at doing well in complex relationships.

I am someone who stumbled into a triad (FMF) with zero knowledge of polyamory and no experience in dealing with complex relationships whatsoever. We were all young. I liked a girl who liked another girl and they both liked me, and this other girl also had feelings for the first girl. We just hang out as friends all the time, and slowly it became obvious that everyone loved everyone else and all naturally we just moved on expressing that love and dating each other. I have no clue how this could be engineered to be honest, because all was so natural.

There was no communication until we realized we loved each other, no searching for someone, no established couple already existing, no deciding rules, the girls had a relationship first (as close friends, they already had vague attraction), but they were not dating. They did not even realize they were bisexual. They both found me attractive and we just enjoyed being together, so being all together was amazingly fun. We did not have sex all three of us, because one of the girls was asexual. Sex was only a thing between me and one of the girls, but the other woman did not care much. She felt it was a strange thing we were into. We broke up because we all had to be in different places and without a reasonable plan of being again together, our attempted ldr did not work out. Everyone finally moved on. Later, I had some experience with an open relationship, but it was not too good.

However, I do feel that to make a triad work, a lot depends on the balance of the relationship. I felt balancing was very important for me too. As the man in the FMF, you will have to navigate very carefully. I have later read a lot on this and thought about what worked and why we could do it.

The usual problems in a wife(W)-husband(H)-female lover(FL) situation people mention are: H-W relationship dominates regarding rule making and depth of relationship; H-FL NRE is too strong; W-FL turns into lesbian fascination and want to exclude the husband; H-W relationship have troubles and FL burns out; FL-W somehow do not click or there is distrust; FL-H-W all three together does not work. Maybe there are others - but these I often read about. Intensity and quality of love can also vary.

So, here are some things I found were important:
1. the relationship between the two women is super imporant, they need to have a very solid, close relationship. So, better if they click on a friend level, and just enjoy being together, they also need attraction, but just liking being together is key
2. you need separate time with each of them and you should also give them time alone, relationships are usually built on one-on-one basis
3. time together among the three of you should be at first fun, going somewhere and having plenty of things to do (not heavy communication together), best not to start with sex, I think. The three of you should kind of click and you should not show that you are partial to any one of them, they both need to feel secure
4. best if there is a bit of the "women against the guy" dynamic (playfully), but you can also give them a solid, reliable helping hand when they need it (serious tone to show you care), best if you help them as a unit (for example, you cook for them/clean up dishes when you are together, fix issues that they share etc. so they can feel that they receive the benefit as one unit, and they experience "the being taken care of by a caring/reliable guy" feeling together)
5. best if you have something unique with each woman (in my case one was very intellectual so we had deep debates on many things, the other was more sexual, playful, and simple, we connected on that level) - both women felt they had some unique bond between us, they also had their own unique bond I could not provide. This served as cement, so we would always want everyone. It was clear that nobody could replace anybody fully, so we didn't have to fear we lose each other (so less jealousy).
6. you have to be sensitive and perceptive and preemt imbalances. This needs effort and careful management. Also, you have to be able to control your NRE. Key! If you fall too much for the FL compared to your wife and she feels the gap then things can turn ugly pretty quickly. Play down NRE, the big moments between you and your FL should be when you are alone together. It is the same as above, but when you are all together, you should not be partial! When you are one-on-one, then you should not keep talking about the third. Focus on the immediate relationship and just mention the third as much as that warms the heart of the woman you are with (for example, one of the women we dated was always slow and often late from appointments, so we always complained about her, but admitted that we could never be angry at her because her smile always disarmed us - this created a shared moment between us but also showed we both loved the third woman. Ultimately, this created a "we are loving and caring about her" together moments and this brough us closer too).
7. your wife might also have strong NRE towards the woman and maybe she might even question her sexuality. I think it is best to be supportive because these things can be a bit of a roller coaster for them, see how things go, give them enough time and stress free environment to explore their sexuality, don't immediately try to stop everything when this happens, be supportive and be there for them, but do express your needs. In my case, the asexual woman told me confidentially that she might not even be asexual, just might be interested in lesbian sex only, so she might in the future want to explore that. I told her that I was okay if she only had lesbian sex and we don't have to have sex. She said she loved me (and was very much romantically interested in men), it was just that she did not want to have sex with men. Well, we did not get that far because we broke up and she did not have sex with the other girl, but I wanted to be there for her and show my support.

All in all, we had a good relationship, we were sad we could not continue, and both girls expressed how good it was after we broke up.

As to how to get there without the adverse effects of unicorn hunting, I am not experienced enought to give advice. Sorry. But, perhaps you need your wife to find someone she can be comfortable with, first. Someone who also finds you attractive and does not simply want to convince your wife that she is a lesbian and should go mono with her.

kdt26417 said:

Hello Beautiful Disaster,

Unicorn hunter triads aren't necessarily evil, the point is that they can be very difficult, complicated, and unlikely. There is a tendency for one of the links to fizzle, leaving behind a V where there was a triad. Which actually isn't a terrible outcome, as long as all three people can live with it and the "third" isn't discarded as a failed triad link.

What would be bad is if the third was treated as an accessory, rather than a human being of equal importance and with equal say in the conditions and practices of the triad. Just as one example, it would be questionable if the third could only have threesome sex with the other two, while the original couple could still have one-on-one sex with each other.

Another questionable practice is to make the third a secret part of the relationship, not introducing the third to friends and family as an equal partner in the relationship, excluding the third from birthdays and holidays, that sort of thing. If you're going to have a triad, precede that intention with the act of coming out to your family and friends.

Whatever the details of your triad will be, communicate those to your prospective third ahead of time. Make sure that third knows exactly what she is getting into, and that you have her consent for all that. Ideally, the rules you establish should be open to alteration given the third's input, she should have a say in how things will operate.

I assume you would not consider a candidate who already has a partner of her own. You should also consider how you will handle it if a candidate has children from a prior relationship. And as you mentioned, it is hard to manage the hierarchy where you and your wife have more trust and history. You just start out as equally as possible with that in mind.

The idea of a triad carries a good deal of romantic appeal, however a V tends to be a lot more stable. If one of the links in your triad fizzles, you'll just have to accept that reality. If you're going to break up with the third in that situation, then at least explain that possibility to your third at the very beginning. She should have the chance to consent to that ahead of time.

I personally am one of the male legs in an MFM V. We are not looking to add any partners to our V, and both of the males are straight, so there is no possibility of a triad. Adding a fourth partner to our mix would be quite an involved process, but it's not out of the question. We became friends about 30 years ago, and have been together as a V for about 20 years.

Such is my perspective,
Kevin T.

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You said this so dang well. Mad props, Kevin

thx