Unsolvable puzzle? (Metamour hate and poly hell issues).

Hello all!

I read quite a few threads on here, so I hope I can pick your brain and receive some help with this limbo.

I'm 37F married with a toddler to a 34M, relationship just reached 15 anniversary most of them we have been open/ENM/Poly throughout with "increasing the difficulty" as time goes by. I've always been poly, husband was mono in the beginning, explored a little with time, we have also had 3somes in different configurations and for about 5 years I've been solely with my husband until 2025 (gf and I are about one year into the relationship).

I have always known I'm into women, so most previous experiences have been with men or just sexual and I decided I like being with women sexually and want to try developing a (parallel) relationship with one. I've been discussing this with husband for a long time and even though I was "on pause" I thought it's understood it's what I desire once the child grows a little bit. This is where the issues start because I ended up meeting my current girlfriend (who wants to date only me).

I realise how deep into NRE I got with her because she was new, because I always thought I'm a bit robotic in bed or my crushes fade quickly, but I definitely felt okay with her and on top of NRE, disliking poly hierarchy and being an inexperienced hinge, I started questioning my sexuality and that maybe I'm actually a late in life lesbian as I now have zero desire and attraction towards other men.

I poly bombed my husband who says he still thought veto is on the table (it was 10 years ago when we were going out with people only sexually, but I thought we have gotten to a higher understanding and both poly now and that we are both free people and can't hurt others on a whim as long as the meta is not being abusive or trying to sabotage the relationship). He dislikes my gf both because of my poor hinge practice in the beginning (texting her too much, taking about her and sharing too much of my conflicts with her to husband) and just because we tried to meet and he thinks she's a negative person and could be a negative influence on me, he also hates how empty-headed I become the moment I think of her and start forgetting some of my obligations towards him. ADHD which I suffer from and NRE are definitely a disastrous cocktail. He says he felt like my idea for having a co-primary relationship came out of nowhere when I think it's all I've been talking about for years prior to actually doing anything

At some point around the 4-5 month mark of my relationship with my gf, husband started giving me signs he's unhappy with how I'm treating him and even though I tried to give back more attention to him, I was still really under the NRE bus and even when I was trying, he could sense I'm staying with him and initiating sex a bit by force/obligation.

He tried to veto her and when we discussed that I can't handle vetoes anymore and don't believe in them, that's where things started to go downhill. He says that until she is removed from the equation, he can't begin to heal the ruptured trust from the first NRE months, all my efforts to spend time, be gentle, care for him he thinks I'm still doing by force or to compensate for when I'm with my gf, he doesn't trust my real efforts even though he acknowledges them he says his body can't relax around me and even feels disgusted by my being with her.

He says he feels empty, doesn't want to fight for my relationship with her, he sees my staying with her as an obstacle to us staying together. She is a busy woman, doesn't want us to divorce, even went on a pause with me when things with husband were at their lowest point (no sex and no overnight stays).

Husband no longer holds me to an ultimatum directly, but still sees her as a threat to our relationship and can't trust any of my kind gestures towards him. He doesn't want to go to counselling because he thinks I'm just trying to make him see my viewpoint and also we're struggling a bit financially and that would be too big of an expense right now.

For her: I thought it was wrong to break up with her because of him given we started from a poly relationship, I didn't cheat despite unconsciously hurting my husband by being way too in love with her. I am still very infatuated with her and it will definitely break my heart to have her out of my life and knowing I'm probably a lesbian I don't know if I'll be happy going back to just him. He doesn't want monogamy, he says we can try with someone else, but I don't think I'll be able to easily fall in love again knowing he can reach the same goalpost next time and cut off my next love, I don't get attached easily so she's very special to me and lastly, I don't think I even want to repeat having this parallel experience with another person. The juggling around a sick child in terms of scheduling is horrendous and I know I have the love for two people but I've realised I don't have the necessary time in practice. I also can't guarantee, but even though my gf has said she doesn't mind me being with someone else if I want to, I'd probably be in a regular relationship with her if husband leaves me and I probably won't pursue new people if I stay only with him, but I'll definitely feel the loss of both my polyamorous nature and my queer maybe lesbian side.

For my husband: I still love him and facing the real possibility of losing him, I am now in love with him all over again and I value him as a person, friend, partner, father of my child.
He has been the sole provider for the family, gotten me through PTSD after an SA, been with me through my worst depression and PPD. I trust this man with my life, but I have never been one of those women who can "stay for the children". If he and I can't make each other happy anymore, how can this work from now on? And I know I've hurt him, I saw him suffer and I realise he probably can't accept my other relationship, so what now...

For me: I love them both and if the meta hate is gone, I believe this could work as they're very intelligent, lovely in their own way, accepting of me people, but I'm also getting really exhausted being torn apart between them, so I feel like my own resources are dwindling as well. I've already had a horrible burnout where I just wanted to break up with them both and find peace and breathing room. I can't sustain it for much longer if husband doesn't accept our new status quo without hurting so badly in the process. I realise I've made a ton of mistakes, I've tried repairing each and every one of them, read a ton of books, articles, blogs, went to therapy myself, talked to all of my friends who would listen, I've learned to uphold my own boundaries much better and separate them as a better hinge, but maybe all of this is just too late and I've made too big of a mess.

Can we rebuild trust from here on somehow?

TL;Dr: I poly bombed my husband and put him through poly hell, I think I'm also a lesbian but still love my husband, he can't heal from ruptured trust until she's gone and I don't want to lose her.

Thanks to anyone if you've read this whole story.

Hello Galaxy,

You have quite a dilemma on your hands, I'm not sure I can come up with a solution for you. Your husband's heels seem to be dug in pretty deep, I can't see him accepting your girlfriend, and you can't endure his lack of acceptance, nor do you want to break up with either of them. Everyone makes mistakes, especially in the early stages of poly, and in the midst of NRE. You have made efforts to rectify the situation, and your husband should be a little more forgiving. That ball is in his court however, you can't make him trust you again. If you break up with your girlfriend like he wants you to do, I fear that you are going to feel a slow resentment towards him over time.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.

That's a lot. I hope you feel a bit better getting it out.

It kind of sounds like you are realizing that you are a late in life lesbian, and realizing that you want co-primary, if you do polyamory, while your husband wants veto power and a primary-secondary model, with him as primary.

So it's not really compatible with him, twice -- 1) he's not a lesbian, and 2) he wants a different model than you want.

So rather than trying to repair, maybe the last loving thing to do is to gently let go? Design as peaceful a parting possible, and figure out how to change to a divorced, coparenting family instead?

It's not a decision to make lightly, but it sounds like you thought about all the other options already. So maybe it's time to think that one out some.

Go over the pros/cons of divorce with a counselor first, maybe?

You could also assess the pros/cons of breaking up with both, and giving yourself some time on your own, like a year's lease.

If you realized you are late in life lesbian, someone has to be the first GF you date, but that doesn't automatically make them long-term compatible.

I also don't know if a year would help your GF and your husband be in different headspaces, and maybe get along better, if you dated GF and only coparented with (the now ex-) husband. But you gotta take the pot off the burner first. It's still going to bubble and be super hot, but you take it off the hot burner first.

Take things one step at a time here, esp if you are feeling run down and overwhelmed. Maybe the trust you want to rebuild is not as spouses, but as decent exes who coparent.

Galagirl

I think - although I'm having trouble finding the thread - that I'm recognizing the story. Did you both post?

Tinwen said:

I think - although I'm having trouble finding the thread - that I'm recognizing the story. Did you both post?

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I'm probably mistaken and it's just several stories from the past month got meshed up in my head.

I'm really at a loss what advice to give here.

If you are really a lesbian, not bisexual, than it might be kinder in the long run to both you and your husband to divorce, change your relationship to coparents only, and seek a female partner or partners for the future. That way your husband is free to heal and to seek someone who does desire him with all the male-female chemistry. In the long run, that would probably lead to a more fulfilling life for both...
I mean, if my partner suddenly told be he's actually gay, that would be very upsetting and cast doubt on all the sex life we had. Like, we shared sex but he never really desired me as a woman? Isn't that weird? I'd feel really, really insecure, betrayed and rejected - so I advise you to be careful with your choice of words there.

On the other hand, since you mention not only your two decades of history but also financial struggle, it seems really unwise to break up with your husband. Existential struggles are a real part of life and do shape our decisions, and we must accept that's real. Also, the toddler will not appreciate his parents separating...
This may mean you have to give in to your husbands demand and break up with this girlfriend. Close for a year of healing, than retry, find a compatible female partner for your bi side. Trust that it will work out the second time, since you will be more experience as a hinge and he won't be blindsided... I could see picking this path as also leadind to bigger satisfaction in the long term, although it's hard to trust it right now.

Of course, it would be nice if your partner could come to terms with your love, but is he able to do that? Often we hear that if people want to open because they already have an emotional (or physical affair), they are unable to do that with that very affair partner Your situation probably feels similar to your husband... Although I totally understand not being able to break up while in nre. Been there, destroyed my monogamous relationship.

I can also imagine you two negotiating a trial separation before making any final decisions, sometimes these make things clear.

But I think what is important is that you make a pick and it is your decision, not someone elses. Prolonging the stalemate is more draining than any grief that comes after that

Galaxy said:

Hello all!

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Hi Galaxy welcome to the forum

Galaxy said:

I read quite a few threads on here, so I hope I can pick your brain and receive some help with this limbo.

I'm 37F married with a toddler to a 34M, relationship just reached 15 anniversary most of them we have been open/ENM/Poly throughout with "increasing the difficulty" as time goes by. I've always been poly, husband was mono in the beginning, explored a little with time, we have also had 3somes in different configurations and for about 5 years I've been solely with my husband until 2025 (gf and I are about one year into the relationship).

Click to expand...

In those 10-15 yrs has you husband had a steady gf / partner or has it always been him being part of a group situation with you ? Sound like he has more of a swinger mindset.

Galaxy said:

I have always known I'm into women, so most previous experiences have been with men or just sexual and I decided I like being with women sexually and want to try developing a (parallel) relationship with one. I've been discussing this with husband for a long time and even though I was "on pause" I thought it's understood it's what I desire once the child grows a little bit. This is where the issues start because I ended up meeting my current girlfriend (who wants to date only me).

I realise how deep into NRE I got with her because she was new, because I always thought I'm a bit robotic in bed or my crushes fade quickly, but I definitely felt okay with her and on top of NRE, disliking poly hierarchy and being an inexperienced hinge, I started questioning my sexuality and that maybe I'm actually a late in life lesbian as I now have zero desire and attraction towards other men.

Click to expand...

Have all these thoughts and feeling been expressed to your husband ? Especially the late life lesbian thing ??

Galaxy said:

I poly bombed my husband who says he still thought veto is on the table (it was 10 years ago when we were going out with people only sexually, but I thought we have gotten to a higher understanding and both poly now and that we are both free people and can't hurt others on a whim as long as the meta is not being abusive or trying to sabotage the relationship). He dislikes my gf both because of my poor hinge practice in the beginning (texting her too much, taking about her and sharing too much of my conflicts with her to husband) and just because we tried to meet and he thinks she's a negative person and could be a negative influence on me, he also hates how empty-headed I become the moment I think of her and start forgetting some of my obligations towards him. ADHD which I suffer from and NRE are definitely a disastrous cocktail.

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Here’s a thread discussing similar issues https://polyamory.com/threads/recovering-from-broken-agreements-adhd-in-polyamory.158935/post-521418 Maybe something in there can help.

Galaxy said:

He says he felt like my idea for having a co-primary relationship came out of nowhere when I think it's all I've been talking about for years prior to actually doing anything

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What’s the upside or benefits to him in this co primary relationship structure ???
And talking hypothetically for yrs and then experiencing the gravitational reality of demotion and displacement/ ie quasi co primary status it might look and feel very different from what was talked about. Shockingly different maybe.

Galaxy said:

At some point around the 4-5 month mark of my relationship with my gf, husband started giving me signs he's unhappy with how I'm treating him and even though I tried to give back more attention to him, I was still really under the NRE bus and even when I was trying, he could sense I'm staying with him and initiating sex a bit by force/obligation.

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He was giving you signs vs actually sitting you down and telling you directly what was hurtful or neglectful ???

So you got the hint and he sensed your efforts weren’t genuine/ real and that made the problem worse. Unscrambling that egg might be hard with the late life lesbian identity hanging out there. Yrs ago on here the standard advice was fake it til you make it kind of thing….unfortunately your NRE has influenced your acting skills or your husband is very very perceptive.

Galaxy said:

He tried to veto her and when we discussed that I can't handle vetoes anymore and don't believe in them, that's where things started to go downhill. He says that until she is removed from the equation, he can't begin to heal the ruptured trust from the first NRE months, all my efforts to spend time, be gentle, care for him he thinks I'm still doing by force or to compensate for when I'm with my gf, he doesn't trust my real efforts even though he acknowledges them he says his body can't relax around me and even feels disgusted by my being with her.

Click to expand...

For yrs the guardrails were in place to protect each other from hurting the relationship and you fell head over heals in love ahead of schedule and systematically changed or removed the safety mechanisms so his mistrust isn’t really irrational or out of line.

Continued

Galaxy said:

He says he feels empty, doesn't want to fight for my relationship with her, he sees my staying with her as an obstacle to us staying together. She is a busy woman, doesn't want us to divorce, even went on a pause with me when things with husband were at their lowest point (no sex and no overnight stays).

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Is it reasonable for him to want to fight FOR your relationship with her. What’s that bring him ?? Or what’s that brought him up til now ?

Is she being super supportive or maybe she doesn’t want the responsibility that comes with taking on the whole thing/ load ??

Galaxy said:

Husband no longer holds me to an ultimatum directly, but still sees her as a threat to our relationship and can't trust any of my kind gestures towards him. He doesn't want to go to counselling because he thinks I'm just trying to make him see my viewpoint and also we're struggling a bit financially and that would be too big of an expense right now.

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I can understand his point. If everyone is steadfast in their positions and diametrically opposed and there’s no room for negotiations what’s the point?

Galaxy said:

For her: I thought it was wrong to break up with her because of him given we started from a poly relationship, I didn't cheat despite unconsciously hurting my husband by being way too in love with her. I am still very infatuated with her and it will definitely break my heart to have her out of my life and knowing I'm probably a lesbian I don't know if I'll be happy going back to just him.

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To me the lesbian identity question is the biggest elephant in the room…without definitively addressing that question all those involved are settling to one degree or another. From a strict romantic relationship ideal structure why would your husband want to settle for that and equally why would he want to force you to fight you nature / inclination. Sounds like misery on both ends.

Galaxy said:

He doesn't want monogamy, he says we can try with someone else, but I don't think I'll be able to easily fall in love again knowing he can reach the same goalpost next time and cut off my next love, I don't get attached easily so she's very special to me and lastly, I don't think I even want to repeat having this parallel experience with another person. The juggling around a sick child in terms of scheduling is horrendous and I know I have the love for two people but I've realised I don't have the necessary time in practice. I also can't guarantee, but even though my gf has said she doesn't mind me being with someone else if I want to, I'd probably be in a regular relationship with her if husband leaves me and I probably won't pursue new people if I stay only with him, but I'll definitely feel the loss of both my polyamorous nature and my queer maybe lesbian side.

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You have a sick child…I think that has to factor in the stress level on everyone involved as well.

Galaxy said:

For my husband: I still love him and facing the real possibility of losing him, I am now in love with him all over again and I value him as a person, friend, partner, father of my child.
He has been the sole provider for the family, gotten me through PTSD after an SA, been with me through my worst depression and PPD. I trust this man with my life, but I have never been one of those women who can "stay for the children". If he and I can't make each other happy anymore, how can this work from now on? And I know I've hurt him, I saw him suffer and I realise he probably can't accept my other relationship, so what now...

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Loving him and being in love with him are galaxies a part and I think that’s where the rub is. Theres a big history and gratitude for said history but that’s not where your heart is at ….or at least he doesn’t feel it or trust it. And the list of attributes and support he’s given might help to push you to be more intentional with you time / attention / energy but bottomline it’s out of obligation/ duty / pity.

Galaxy said:

For me: I love them both and if the meta hate is gone, I believe this could work as they're very intelligent, lovely in their own way, accepting of me people, but I'm also getting really exhausted being torn apart between them, so I feel like my own resources are dwindling as well. I've already had a horrible burnout where I just wanted to break up with them both and find peace and breathing room. I can't sustain it for much longer if husband doesn't accept our new status quo without hurting so badly in the process. I realise I've made a ton of mistakes, I've tried repairing each and every one of them, read a ton of books, articles, blogs, went to therapy myself, talked to all of my friends who would listen, I've learned to uphold my own boundaries much better and separate them as a better hinge, but maybe all of this is just too late and I've made too big of a mess.

Click to expand...

When this all started going south and you started educating yourself did you pass along any of the materials. Usual it’s the poly hell victims we see …has he come to the forum ?…possibly posted about this as well ?

Galaxy said:

Can we rebuild trust from here on somehow?

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Stranger things have happened. I’m not sure trust is the main issue.

Galaxy said:

TL;Dr: I poly bombed my husband and put him through poly hell, I think I'm also a lesbian but still love my husband, he can't heal from ruptured trust until she's gone and I don't want to lose her.

Thanks to anyone if you've read this whole story.

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Thank you everyone for your considerate replies! They did help save my sanity the last few days!

I think we're going to lean toward him taking a backseat for a while and keeping only our non-sexual partnership while I figure the feelings/sexuality part with her and our detangling/finance issues with him and see how it goes from there on out.

To Tinwen, there were a few similar threads, but I really struggle with what's good long-term given my newfound experience and dream about having a wife not being one xD so I decided to make my own, I'll try to answer the rest of the questions soon.

Hi! Polyamory mixed in with sexual orientation issues can complicate things. I can see that you are really trying to solve the situation. I think you should not give up yet, and try communicating more.

So, just to be clear: you are feeling that you might be a lesbian (sexually), but you are love-wise biromantic? Is that correct? It is just sex that you don't feel like doing with men now, right?

I think in that case, maybe you should tell your husband that you are still in love with him (if that is the case, the rest depends on this), but now you feel more attraction to this woman sexually. You can tell him that you feel that it is difficult to find another partner like her. Tell him that the NRE was also about this newfound connection of finally finding a woman you feel compatible with. Apologize for neglecting him, but explain how you feel about this. Be honest with your feelings.

Tell him that at this point, it would be nice if you could stay married and keep dating her, but to repair trust tell him that you will follow some very simple and specific rule (mostly about scheduling, or the negative influence he mentioned, it should not be about sex/feelings etc.). Then consistently show him that you can keep your word regarding this rule and that you are serious about him and your relationship. Words and promises often feel empty. You need a trial period and show that you are very serious about repairing trust.

Your lesbian lover need to be taking the backseat, time-wise, but sex can be with her. I don't know if this is possible, and how she would feel about this, though. As for sex between you and your husband, perhaps you can work something out where your husband has sex with someone else and you with your girlfriend. Couples sometimes have sex outside marriage because they don't match well in bed, but all else is good. So for you, lesbian in bed but biromantic in relationships can be an answer: "I love you both, but I'd rather have sex with a woman for now. Me wanting sex with her does not mean I don't love you. I might just be biromantic, but lesbian in bed. You can also look for someone for sex outside marriage. I want to stay with you and build our relationship further. It means a lot to me."
(If you really want this, if you are already a lesbian and you don't want to stay with him then this is not a good idea).

You will also have to address his suggestion that your lover is being a negative influence: do you know why he is telling you this? Is it more alcohol use, less reliability, or something like that? You will defnintely have to address this if you want to rebuild trust. Maybe the issue is not even you loving this woman, but some of the behavior that happens due to your relationship with her (e.g., drinking more, etc.). Can you tell us why he is so against her? It feels like it is not just simple jealousy, or too much NRE, but something else at play.