Hello all,
About 3 months ago I began my first poly relationship with a man who has been married for 8 years (they have been poly for about 6 of those years). I've been curious about polyamory for years but this is the first time I've had an opportunity to experience it myself. There's much I enjoy about it, and the current experience I'm going through doesn't make me doubt that poly is the right choice for me.
That being said, after about 2 months of us dating, it was becoming quite clear that his marriage was not in a great place. Our relationship seemed to reveal some existing problems surrounding different wants and needs of my partner and his wife. Now they are getting a divorce, my partner knows that's the right decision and I support him fully in this because it is clear they are both not happy.
So now I am having difficulty dealing with what this means for he and I. We both want to stay together and we have had a conversation around how we see our relationship developing towards a primary/secondary style, in which he and I are primaries and we may have secondary relationships from time to time. We are on the same page here.
The problem I am having is sorting through my own emotions around the time he spends with his soon to be ex-wife while they are going through the divorce process. I'm not quite sure where all of my anxiety is coming from. I do know that I am anticipating when they are no longer living together and the divorce is finalized so that we can just be done with everything and move on. I do know that I'm nervous because I went through a divorce after 9 years and I'm probably projecting some of that awfulness, onto them, which I know is not helpful and I keep reminding myself that their relationship is not the same as my ex and I's. Yet the emotions of fear and anxiety remain.
I'm also not sure how to navigate supporting him, I'm having these old stories of monogamy play out in my head, thinking to myself that he needs time alone, he needs space, although we have this conversation and he indicates none of that. I think the problem is that I am having difficulty figuring out what my own needs are as they go through this process. Does anyone have any experience with this? Where there any strategies, boundaries, or agreements you created to get through this?
Thanks in advance, it's hard beginning your first poly relationship with such a heavy development so early on. Any suggestions on navigating this terrain, or suggested readings (currently reading More Than Two), are greatly appreciated!
About 3 months ago I began my first poly relationship with a man who has been married for 8 years (they have been poly for about 6 of those years). I've been curious about polyamory for years but this is the first time I've had an opportunity to experience it myself. There's much I enjoy about it, and the current experience I'm going through doesn't make me doubt that poly is the right choice for me.
That being said, after about 2 months of us dating, it was becoming quite clear that his marriage was not in a great place. Our relationship seemed to reveal some existing problems surrounding different wants and needs of my partner and his wife. Now they are getting a divorce, my partner knows that's the right decision and I support him fully in this because it is clear they are both not happy.
So now I am having difficulty dealing with what this means for he and I. We both want to stay together and we have had a conversation around how we see our relationship developing towards a primary/secondary style, in which he and I are primaries and we may have secondary relationships from time to time. We are on the same page here.
The problem I am having is sorting through my own emotions around the time he spends with his soon to be ex-wife while they are going through the divorce process. I'm not quite sure where all of my anxiety is coming from. I do know that I am anticipating when they are no longer living together and the divorce is finalized so that we can just be done with everything and move on. I do know that I'm nervous because I went through a divorce after 9 years and I'm probably projecting some of that awfulness, onto them, which I know is not helpful and I keep reminding myself that their relationship is not the same as my ex and I's. Yet the emotions of fear and anxiety remain.
I'm also not sure how to navigate supporting him, I'm having these old stories of monogamy play out in my head, thinking to myself that he needs time alone, he needs space, although we have this conversation and he indicates none of that. I think the problem is that I am having difficulty figuring out what my own needs are as they go through this process. Does anyone have any experience with this? Where there any strategies, boundaries, or agreements you created to get through this?
Thanks in advance, it's hard beginning your first poly relationship with such a heavy development so early on. Any suggestions on navigating this terrain, or suggested readings (currently reading More Than Two), are greatly appreciated!
