2 primary relationships, new engagement

[hellokitty]

Hi again,

Feel free to read my other posts if you'd like more of a back story. Long story short, I've been with my boyfriend Jules for 5 and a half years, started dating my girlfriend Aimee a year and a half ago. This is my first serious girlfriend and first serious poly relationship. I fell for my girl hard and fast, and we haven't looked back.

Things with Jules have been up and down, just through the stresses of life and my new feelings in being with someone else. I've gone through a lot of uncertainty in the past couple years but recently have felt much more connected to him again. I'm so happy to have him in my life and could never imagine being without him. I love him dearly, respect him and he's my best friend. I love holding him, being around him and talking. He inspires me. We have so much fun together and have a very deep bond.

Things have not been quite right physically/sexually for the past 2 yrs. I've had a hard time feeling the passion with him in that sense, but I am opening up again and we are working on getting back there. Things got a bit shaky with us recently because of his jealousy, need to be #1 in my life and fear of losing me. I told him everything I've been saying here, and trying to spend more time together and show him I'm still and always will be his partner. He has always been very supportive of my relationship with Aimee, but tells me it makes him feel lonely sometimes.

I just feel my relationship with Aimee vs the one with Jules is so different. They both bring such different things to my life. He is my rock, he knows me better than anyone. He's so smart and always knows what to say. We have a ton in common, but at the same time are different in a lot of ways. Aimee and I have been living day in and day out, full of passion in every way. Yes, we had hardcore NRE in the beginning, but I feel that reached its peak months ago, and we have been steadily enjoying our relationship together.

Aimee is closer to my age than he is, so we are at a very similar point in life. We both absolutely adore traveling and are constantly taking little trips together. Our passions are similar so we're constantly exciting each other and having the time of our lives. She gets me so worked up in every way! She makes me feel things I've never felt before.

Obviously, I am bisexual. But I have always been more interested in girls, and I just feel I am right where I've always needed to be with her. I've always longed for a relationship just like this, a passionate, energetic, exciting, happy, CUTE relationship with a girl who's not only my best friend, but my lover. I love taking care of her and being there for each other. She makes me so happy and I couldn't see my life without her either.

Last month, we decided Aimee would move in with me after her lease was up (I was living alone) because she was over here all the time anyway. Things have been great! We are so compatible living together and it has really been working. However, when I told Jules she would be moving in with me it really hurt him. He told me he felt I was leaving him behind. I never meant to hurt him. It's just so hard to balance what makes me happy, and what makes each of them happy, being fair to everyone. He wanted to be the first person I lived with, and wants to live with me some day (but maybe not her.) I think I'd enjoy living with him, but we wouldn't be quite as compatible as roommates as she and I are. And honestly this is just how things are working out. If you want to do something, you do it. And frankly, Jules never showed that much interest in actually making us living together happen. So here we are.

Now the whole point in this entire post... As I stated, the passion between Aimee and me is unreal! I'm madly in love with her. She makes me feel so alive. A few months ago, we were at a concert seeing our favorite band, looking into each other's eyes, dancing and having the time of our lives. She looked so absolutely beautiful and I knew I wanted her in my life forever. I couldn't hold back anymore and asked her the question that had been on my mind for some time-- I told her I wanted her to be my wife. She was ecstatic and said she wanted that as well - we were thrilled!

The next day, however, I couldn't figure out how to tell Jules the news that Aimee and I were so excited to share. Inconvenient timing: that same week some very rough family issues happened to arise for Jules, and he was not in a good place mentally. I decided now was not the time to discuss my happiness, when he was so stressed. Things kept getting more intense for his family over the next few weeks and he was full in head on dealing with those things. I kept waiting for the right moment, but it never came. Aimee has been patiently waiting. I know I look like the biggest jerk alive, but she is in pain, feeling I am leading her along.

Telling him about the move-in felt like kind of a test run, and with how badly that went, now I am more scared than ever to tell him about the engagement. Am I a terrible person? Like I said before, it's so hard balancing the happiness of 3 people (myself included) and knowing when to let love and relationships run their course and what is crossing boundaries. I have tried all this time to take things one day at a time and this is where I am now. A friend of mine observing the situation criticized me for this, for trying to make everyone happy all at once. She said it's just not possible sometimes. I don't know if this is completely true, but it did ease up some of the guilt I put on myself if I can't make things perfect for everyone.

I desperately need advice and some outside perspective. I am so caught up in the middle of everything, in all the emotion from every side. It's hard to know what the right move to make is. Can you make two primary relationships work? Am I wrong to be happy about building a life with Aimee? How do I help Jules believe this advancement with Aimee doesn't mean taking a step back from him? How do I enjoy sharing my love for my girl with others without making Jules jealous? Do I need to take a step back from everything?

 

[Phy]

Tough situation, indeed, HelloKitty. From my point of view, it is possible to make two relationships work, to give them similar importance and standing in your life. I believe that I've managed to do so.

But your situation is (like everyone else's) unique and not really comparable to mine in regard some points. The biggest thing you need to realize and understand is that you are making a huge choice there. Jules will never be able to reach this point officially. You are making an official vow, an official commitment there, and this kind of commitment is unique in our culture. You are choosing her over him there. You can't sugarcoat that. It will hurt him.

Having said this much, you can only follow your heart here. It is a serious decision. If you feel like this is the right action to take, if you feel her to be this important for you, and to be more fitting to be this person for and in your life, then go with it. You can't postpone your life because someone else might want it to be otherwise, different than you yourself wish it to be. Your life can only be perfect for you; you can't live a perfect life someone else is envisioning for you, without being sad and unsatisfied. At least that's what I believe.

An additional note, things aren't perfect. Trying to do everything the best we can, and being satisfied with the results, is all we can do.

Don't let Jules live with some illusion of what he thinks your relationship to be. You are right to not stress him additionally. (I just had a similar situation with my family, and I decided to wait, as well, but it wasn't something affecting them directly.) But I would advise you to sort this out as soon as possible. You will gain nothing by waiting too long. If this family business is postponing your talk endlessly, just find a decent moment to tell him, regardless of the complications in his family life.

The only thing you can do is be real. Don't hide yourself from Jules. If he decides that he can't take who you are, and how you have changed, or whom you evolved into, it's his choice to make. As you can only decide if you are happy with your partners, grant them the same right and offer them the whole truth about yourself.

Wishing you luck and some peace of mind.

 

[CielDuMatin]

Last month we decided Aimee would move in with me after her lease was up (I was living alone) because she was over here all the time anyway.

So you are living with her and not with him. Okay. Does he have a wish to move in with you too?

However, when I told Jules she would be moving in with me, it really hurt him.

Wait, so the "we" above was Aimee and you? Jules wasn't involved in the decision-making process, and you presented it to him as a done deal? Yes, I could imagine that he would feel incredibly hurt by that. I would too.

If you want to do something, you do it.

With respect, no. That is how children and immature adults behave. Mature adults will look at possible consequences of actions, including who could possibly be hurt by it, and consult others before leaping in with both feet.

I couldn't hold back anymore, and asked her the question that had been on my mind for some time. I told her I wanted her to be my wife. She was ecstatic and said she wanted that as well . We were thrilled!

So once again you made a life-altering decision without even talking to Jules about it. Your intention is to "inform him" that you are doing it. If he has a problem with it (which, given the previous incident, he most definitely will) then all this is going to do is hurt someone, either him, or her, when you have to back out on your offer.

The next day however, I couldn't figure out how to tell Jules the news that Aimee and I were so excited to share.

You mean to present him with your fait accomplis-- I'm changing our life. Like it or lump it.

I kept waiting for the right moment, but it never came.

And this is why a responsible person discusses important stuff BEFORE they do anything about it.

Aimee has been patiently waiting. I know I look like the biggest jerk alive, but she is in pain, feeling I am leading her along.

And the longer you wait, the more pissed off Jules is going to be when he asks the question, "And when exactly did you propose to her?"

Telling him about the move-in felt like kind of a test run, and with how badly that went, now I am more scared than ever to tell him about the engagement.

Yes, that should have been a lesson to you that maybe such huge decisions should be discussed first with those you supposedly care a lot about.

Am I a terrible person?

I don't know whether you are terrible or not, but if I were Jules, and you did this to me, not once, but twice, that would be the end of our relationship.

Like I said before, it's so hard balancing the happiness of 3 people (myself included), knowing when to let love and relationships run their course, and what is crossing boundaries.

The first incident should have given you a pretty big hint, to be honest.

Can you make two primary relationships work?

Yes, if you treat them both with respect, which you are quite plainly not doing.

Your choices have got you into a big mess, here. Please PLEASE learn, and don't do it a third time.

You asked for advice. Tell Aimee that you were caught up in the moment, and hadn't discussed it with Jules, and that you really need to stop it all while the three of you work things out. Then you need to be 100% honest with Jules about what happened, and show him that you have reconsidered. Then the three of you need to get together and discuss your relationship configuration, where you are and where you each want to go.

(I'm sorry if others posted while I was typing this. I got interrupted a couple of times.)

 

[hellokitty]

Thanks for the responses. I know I fucked up. I feel I am living two separate lives sometimes. I feel so overwhelmed and lost, because no matter what I do, things are going to change and feelings are going to be hurt. I wish this was easier!!! But it's not, and I know it won't be. I need to learn to communicate better. HOW do I just open up and talk about things that are so incredibly hard to say!? I don't know what makes sense anymore.

 

[Adam]

I need to learn to communicate better. HOW do I just open up and talk about things that are so incredibly hard to say!? I don't know what makes sense anymore.

First, stop thinking about what you're going to say, or how the other person will react. If it must be said or is important, say it. This is what being open is. A disclaimer before the floodgates open is acceptable in most cases, but understand that if someone can't handle what you have inside you, then they can't handle you. If something is hard to say, that's usually because it's one of those important things that should be said.

 

[dingedheart]

Did you ever have the difficult conversation surrounding this thread? If so, what was his reaction?

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14077

Did you ever pick up the book Redpepper suggested, Radical Honesty?

 

[CielDuMatin]

Okay, the biggest thing is not that you are struggling to communicate, it's that you are acting before you communicate.

Many people have trouble communicating sensitive stuff with their partners, but they know enough not to act first, think later, which is what you are coming across as doing.

You want things to be easier. Fair enough. Do you think that the decisions and actions that you have taken before you discussed them with Jules have made your life easier, or more complicated and harder to sort out?

As I said before, please learn from this.

 

[Tonberry]

I suggest you take a good look at the situation, and more specifically, your relationship with Jules. He's been with you for a long time. You start a new relationship, and this other person gets to move in with you. This other person is whom you propose to. And on top of that, you say you prefer females. If he knows that, he must be feeling extremely neglected and replaced.

You need to give him more importance and support. You talk about two primary partners, but the way your posts read, he's become a secondary partner now. He is not even taking part in big decisions, only getting told after the fact.

I think you need to tell him, and simultaneously apologise for treating him like that, promise you won't do it again, and keep that promise. And from then on, make sure you treat both of them equally, as important to you, rather than involving Aimee in the big decision and telling him after the fact.

The longer the wait, the worse it's going to be. And it will probably be a long talk, because I believe you'll have to talk about the whole relationship. Don't walk into it thinking you were justified and that he's going to overreact. Walk into it knowing you didn't give him the respect he deserved, and that he has a right to be upset, and that if you want it to work you will need to rebuild trust with him, and that means giving him more time and attention, and making your relationship with him a priority over your relationship with your fiancée, for the time being. There is more work to do with Jules, and therefore you should be working on that relationship more, or it will keep degrading until it's broken for good.

Also talk to Aimee about it all. Make sure she understands you love her, but you fucked up. Hell, have a big talk with all three of you together. You're a family now. It's not you and Jules on one side, and you and Aimee on the other; it's the three of you. Even if they're not involved with each other, they're still part of each other's lives and will be for as long as the relationships last.

Now, my other question is, what about Jules moving in with you and Aimee? Is that something you discussed? Is it something you're not interested in? What about getting married? Is it something he didn't want to begin with, or something he'll be hurt that he lost to her? Is having a ceremony with him an option down the line, even though it would have no legal ground?

Right now, it looks like your relationship with Aimee is eclipsing the one with Jules. They don't have to have the same rate, or follow the same steps. But you need to make sure not to neglect him for her.

 

[hellokitty]

Hi,

It's been a long few weeks, again (and a long year, really). I ended up explaining to Jules what had happened. I apologized for leaving him out of such a big decision. I'd gotten caught up. He deserves more respect and attention than I've been giving him. I don't know why I keep pushing him away, but I don't want to lose him. I need him by my side.

I told him these things do come up for a reason, however, because he and Aimee are both extremely important people in my life that I couldn't see myself without. And now I see how this could be seen as choosing one or the other, but I can't see things that way. I can't compare them. It's not a competition in my mind, even though they may feel it is. I love them both for who they are. I don't want one to be more like the other or wish they were just one person. I appreciate them both as individuals and wouldn't want it any other way.

Jules's response was to basically tell me I couldn't have Aimee be more, or even just as, important as him in my life. I understand he was heated and it sounds a little extreme and possessive. I can understand how he would feel territorial, because he doesn't have me all to himself like he used to. He wants to hold onto me and not let me loose again. The thing is, the things he says he needs from me, I don't think I can give him. He wants to be the most important person in my life. Number one. No questions asked. He wants to know that at the end of the day if something happened, and I had to choose, I would come home to him and leave her behind.

Love just doesn't work like that.

He feels betrayed. How could I have possibly fallen so deeply for someone other than him? I asked him before my second date with her, "How far can I take this?" Back then, he told me to make this relationship whatever I needed it to be. Obviously he didn't expect this; none of us did. But it happened, and I can't pretend it didn't.

I've been trying to put more effort into being there for him, spending time together and telling him how much I appreciate him. It's really hard though, because we still have huge road blocks in the way, on my end. I don't know how things have gotten so majorly fucked up, but it just feels unending. I feel like these bumps in the road are just one after the other, and we have to ride it out until everything is out in the open. I've been slowly but surely trying to come to an understanding with my feelings.

Dingedheart asked if I ever had the conversation with him I talked about in an earlier post (made almost a year ago) regarding my sexuality and my feelings towards him physically/romantically... Yes, I did. Not long after, I posted about it here.

I told him I was struggling, feeling confused, and I felt SO GUILTY, but I was feeling so uncomfortable being with him physically, because I'm not sure I am interested in men sexually, in general, at this point in my life. I told him I love him, and think he is gorgeous, and he's not doing anything wrong. I just didn't want to pretend anymore.

He was obviously hurt, but told me, "It's okay. We can work on it. You're willing to work on it, right?" I didn't know how to respond. Inside I thought, "How do you work on something like that? How could these feelings possibly change?" But I love him and trust him, so I figured he must be right.

He said, "It's very important to a relationship to be able to share that kind of intimacy, so we need to work on it. We can take it slow. We can even just kiss. Don't you feel anything when you kiss me?"



Good god, I just wish I felt what he felt so these guilty feelings would go away!

I finally got in to see a poly-friendly therapist. I'd been trying to get an appointment for so long. I explained myself, and she made me feel more understood than I've felt in a long time. It was an unbelievable relief. She validated that he is much more to me than just a friend could ever be, but I don't feel for him sexually and romantically anymore like I used to. And that it is okay. She said it's confusing, because society doesn't have a name for that kind of relationship, but he can still be an extremely important person in my life with whom I share a deep bond, even be my soulmate, but that we don't have to share a bed.

I felt such relief just imagining having that weight of guilt lifted off of me-- the pressure to have sex and be physical. I felt I could be much closer to him if I weren't pretending to like it, or just avoiding it anymore.

But this made me question two things. Would he ever go for that? It would break his heart. He already expresses his insecurities to me often, wondering if I'm still attracted to him, asking me to show him I still want him in that way. He tells me he needs that to feel secure in our relationship. If I tell him I can't give him that, will he leave? He says he doesn't want anyone else. And that it sucks, because he's not getting what he needs from me, but no one else will want a guy who has a girlfriend... So much pressure!

The second thing is, what if it's not just sexual? I sometimes wonder, while we have been on the edge, why am I not doing more to save our romantic relationship? I don't have the passion behind it to really do what is necessary. It feels so awful to think that this could end. But I'm not heading over to his house every single night, I'm not planning dates for us, I'm not writing him love letters and flirting. Can I still be in love with him and not have the desire to do those types of things? Or am I lying to myself?

He doesn't understand why I don't want to spend every night and day with him, or why I don't want to live with just him. I don't know if I'd even want to live with him. A lot of it is because of the pressure to be together sexually, I'm sure. But what else is behind it?

I have so much thinking to do. I am really surprised if anyone is even still reading this. I'm just processing.. It has taken me so long to even have one moment of clarity. I feel like I've been in such a fog and I need a breath of fresh air so badly.

 

[BohemianMLHR81]

I know I am most likely going to get some heat over this, but I have to say it. The simple fact is that you are NOT in love with Jules. You have not been for a long time. You are comfortable with him because he is your rock. To keep dragging it on so that you have your emotional support person remain in your life is not fair to him. In addition, you are in love with Aimee. Keeping all of this unresolved is not fair to her either.

Sorry if I come off as harsh, but I am a very blunt type of person. I do not sugarcoat anything. IMHO, the only person whose feelings you have placed priority on is your own. You admitted several times that a sexual relationship with Jules is over. So let him go! He needs to be free to find someone to love him as much as you love Aimee. If you cannot give this man your passion, LET HIM GO!

 

[hellokitty]

I'm not asking for sugarcoating. I obviously am in a fog, as I said. I need truth and reality and insight I have not been able to find for myself. Keep it coming, please. This is a very difficult time for me. I need to think things through once and for all and quit avoiding everything.

Thank you.

 

[BohemianMLHR81]

Well, I hope this helps in your decision. The couple that I was part of a quad with, that relocated to the west coast, went through this exact thing that you are going through now. After they got settled out there, the wife met a woman. Within a few months, this woman moved in with the married couple. Another few months passed, and the sexual relationship between the husband and wife was gone.

He confronted his wife. She chose the woman. He moved out and was depressed for a while. Then he met the love of his life. He is now out of all "lifestyles," in a monoamorous relationship with the woman, and they recently became engaged. All people involved in this are now happy.

Sometimes people just don't know when to walk away. I hope all involved in your situation find happiness when all of this is done.

 

[sparklepop]

I can relate to your thread very much and thought I would come and join it. I don't want to project my experiences onto you. I can only share my experience, as it is very similar to yours.

I was also with a man for around five years, my longest, deepest, sweetest relationship. He is definitely someone I'd consider a soulmate. I can't even begin to describe how attached I was, and still am, to him. But the passion was just not there. I found him gorgeous to look at. I still do, and I am, sometimes, even now, still a little attracted to him. But the idea of sex with him, or any man, just doesn't set off that same 'zing' as women do for me.

I met a woman whilst I was with my boyfriend. I was still deeply in love with him at that point, but our sex life was barely existent. There was little excitement anymore. To my amazement, when I told him that I found her attractive, he suggested that I start seeing her, whilst staying with him.

After 6 months, I felt about her the way you seem to feel about your girlfriend. The sex was out of this world, mind-blowing. It was fun, cute, passionate, exciting, all of the things you are describing. I felt like I wanted to live with her, spend my life with her. She made me over-the-moon happy.

But I couldn't bear to leave him. We had the deepest bond, deeper and more spiritual than my bond with her.

Here's where the tricky part comes in.

Poly can work because you find different things in other people. If I could have had him and her at the same time, I would have been happy. But this wasn't working for him any more. So I ended up choosing her, and I haven't dated a man since he and I broke up about 4 years ago.

When we broke up, I told him that I needed to explore my attraction to women. At that time, I thought we would someday get back together. I just couldn't imagine living without him, and I still can't-- but I don't think either of us would go back to that kind of relationship, after this good space and exploration time.

It is very possible that you are primarily into women. I feel that way, at this stage in my life. I feel like I have found my sexuality. I simply prefer women, in sex, in love. I still find men attractive and would consider sleeping with one, but it just doesn't have that same *pow factor*.

Now, in my situation, I am still very close to my ex-boyfriend. In fact, I'm currently living with him. I even sleep in the same bed with him, in an open-plan studio. But I am dating women. We aren't romantically involved anymore. We are just... very, very close friends... platonic partners. We take holidays together. We walk around naked in front of each other. I give him a hug or a kiss before work every day. A lot of people think that has to be romantic. I don't.

If I could live in a big house with him and my current girlfriend, I would. And for us, it would actually work.

If your heart is not in the relationship with Jules any more, you have to confront those feelings. I was so scared to let go of my relationship with my boyfriend. It was one of the most painful things ever. But at least now, we can still love each other without hurt or unmet expectations. And it gives him the emotional freedom to find someone who can love him with passion. Think about the way you see Aimee-- wouldn't you love Jules to find a girl that feels that way about him, whilst still being platonically very close with you?

Incidentally, the great relationship with the girl I left him for turned very sour after less than three years. It went from beautiful to just plain annoying. But having that time away from him helped me discover what I wanted. Now I'm in a relationship with a new woman, who I've been with for just over a year. When I was with my ex-boyfriend and girlfriend, I used to think that you could only find one thing at a time in relationships-- passion or a soulmate kind of love. I truly didn't believe the two could cross over. Now I'm with a woman who I feel that deep spiritual love for, AND the passion is intense (as well as the fights ). If I'd never broken up with him, and seen where things went with my ex-girlfriend, I would never have experienced the kind of love I have right now.

So, I think that you need to do some thinking... and some talking with Jules. It sounds like he does need more from your relationship, and that his feelings are stronger than yours, from a romantic perspective. Are you at a time where you need to explore? How old are you, incidentally?

And if your relationship is special, it might be that, over time, you don't have to give each other up, but that your dynamic could just change.

I started asking myself questions. When I watch movies, do I look at the women or the men in sex scenes? Have I ever even had a crush on a famous man? If a man and woman were naked in front of me, who would I want to have sex with, deep down?

For me, it kept coming back to women.

Only you know where your sexuality stands. I definitely think you should talk to him, and at the very least, discuss a trial separation of six months, where he should try to date other people, while you pursue your relationship with your girlfriend. I actually think that almost every relationship I've had has ended with a soft "We'll see where we stand in 6 months," then 6 months comes along and suddenly everything's clearer.

 

[Anneintherain]

The thing is, the things he says he needs from me, I don't think I can give him. He wants to be the most important person in my life. Number one. No questions asked. He wants to know that, at the end of the day, if something happened, and I had to choose, I would come home to him and leave her behind.

Leave the love part out of it. Tell him you cannot guarantee to commit to giving him what he wants.

To misquote Tonberry, I'd ask you again to reflect on the following:

What about him moving in? Are you interested in living with him?
What about getting married? Or spending the next 40 years with him?

And I'll say, why don't you go write down somewhere secret and private, how you'd picture life if it were perfect YET realistic? Which of your partners are present, and what role would you want them in? If you find yourself saying "I'd like A to live happily ever after with me, and it would happen if only A changed like X/was Y," maybe you don't accept A. Same goes for B, C whatever. (Except if you think D is just perfect the way they are, you're probably in NRE .)

Well, if a long-term partner isn't like X, Y or Z, stop pretending they will be. They are who they are. If it's more depression than joy, consider moving on.

If you are involved with somebody whom you don't KNOW that you want the "traditional fall in love, move in, get married and spend the rest of your life with them," it behooves both of you to recognize that, suck it up, bring it up, and then negotiate if you can still have a beautiful relationship, or if for one or both of you to be happiest, you need to let go and move on.

 

[hellokitty]

Sparklepop, I can relate a ton with what you posted. I'm 22. I have admitted since I was 12 that I was attracted to women. I lost my virginity to and have slept with many more women than men, and dated a few. I just know I am primarily into girls. Of all my boyfriends in the past, I have never been able to JUST be with them. I've always found myself getting into bed with other females. It just didn't and doesn't make sense to me to NOT be with a woman. I can say pretty certainly that I could never be satisfied in a relationship with a man unless I am sleeping with a girl.

Spelling it all out like this really makes me realize... obviously, I am pretty friggin' gay. I still think some guys are attractive, and enjoy the energy of flirting, but it's nowhere near how I feel about women.

This is my first serious relationship with another woman. I feel like my eyes are now opening up to a lot I've always felt was missing, but never able to pinpoint what, exactly.

I know I'm not putting my all into my relationship with Jules, and I hate how much of a liar I feel like sometimes. It makes me tear up thinking of the pain I am causing him by not giving him what he needs. I have been a wreck lately because I think I'm finally starting to let him go and it hurts more than I could have ever imagined. It feels like such a mistake to even think about it, because of how deeply I know he loves me.

How foolish could I be to consider giving up someone who cares about me so fully, knowing everything about me, knowing me better than I even know myself? He is the one person who I know will always and forever be there for me and never give up on me. I can't stand the thought of losing him in my life. I am just afraid if I can't be what he wants me to be, he will be too hurt to stick around at all. But I know we need each other. He's my best friend and I'm his. It's even much deeper than that.

Maybe in the future, I will feel differently. It's why I'm so afraid to let go. But I'm not here now, and I don't feel it's fair to make him believe otherwise. At this point in my life, I can't imagine living with him, and not her. I can't imagine marrying him. I can imagine raising a family with him. (Not that I even know if I'd ever want to do that, but if I did, he's the smartest, most genuine and compassionate person I know and trust.)

What does this even mean??? I'm so scared and confused and worried I will screw up. I'm SO afraid of hurting him. I've been so deeply depressed over all of this I can hardly function.

 

[Anneintherain]

I hope you summon up the courage to tell him soon. I know it's scary, but the longer you put it off, the more you'll both suffer. You are probably on some level treating him differently, and possibly badly, the longer you struggle with this issue, because you are not as comfortable around him because you know you need to tell him. I imagine it's also affecting your relationship with Aimee.

Perhaps he won't want to be in your life if you tell him how you feel, but if that is what he needs to do to heal, if you're his friend you'll let him have that. You need to take that leap of faith that the friendship you've built with him is strong enough to still be there after the dynamic change. It IS always possible that after a brief turbulence he might accept exactly what is, with no change in your love for each other. At some point, it does become you stringing him along, if you know you need to be upfront with him, and aren't, for too long. He deserves to know where you stand so he won't feel like he's wasted time being made a fool of.

I'm really crossing my fingers that you update next week that you've let him know so you could both make the decisions that are best for yourselves. I'll also say, if you keep dating other people, it's likely you'll have to have these hard talks with other people too, and it's better to get practiced at being honest as soon as there's something to be honest about.

Stop beating yourself up for not feeling the same way as he does now. You are not obliged to give him that, even if you wish you could, and I'm sure he'd feel worse if he knew you were pretending, on any level.

 

[hellokitty]

Well, that went fucking AWFUL.

Jules is so angry and hurt to hear that I could possibly feel this way, and have let things go on for so long, that I've left him behind.

I love him so much.

This is so completely painful. I have no idea what to do with myself. I'm scared I've made or am making the biggest mistake of my life.

He says I haven't given him a chance to make me feel that way about him because I'm never around. And how could I still want to live with Aimee, or consider marrying her, when he's so against it? If I feel that way, he doesn't want a part of it.

I'm even more confused than ever!!! I feel SO GUILTY, sad and scared, because I do love him and want and need him in my life. Idk which way is true or a lie. Idk how I truly feel, and what is him or her swaying my feelings. I feel so damn lost.

 

[Anneintherain]

I don't think it can ever be a mistake to be honest. It's pretty unlikely that after five years you wouldn't feel "that way" about him if you could. Do not let him guilt you about this.

It is understandable that he feels let down and like this came out of left field. That might be his deal-breaking line there-- "I'll be with you if you don't live with or marry Aimee, and as long as you love me most." You know that this isn't your truth, so all you can do is hope that he is more willing to talk after he has some time to calm down and think, and you can salvage a different but more honest relationship with him out of this.

Now, it's a separate issue if you think Jules or Aimee are "swaying your feelings." If either of them are talking negatively about the other, that's an issue to deal with.

If you're just very unsure of yourself, have an extremely weak sense of identity, are unable know what you want (which surely might be an issue, since you've been struggling with all this so long), that's an issue you should deal with ASAP, certainly before you start dating anybody else, by going to counseling, reading about self esteem, making a great effort to be 100% honest when you are asked a relationship question by a partner, even if you think it's not what they want to hear, etc.

I'm sorry you aren't happy with Jules's reaction, but I really think you did the right thing, and I'm sure you've learned a lesson or two about the importance of being upfront that will serve you well in the future.

*hug*