20 year relationship between a mono guy and a poly gal turning polyamorous

[polyapple274]

Hi all,

Here I'm about to share my (and my spouse's) trip to polyamory.

I am a mono guy who's married to a poly gal. We've been married for 20 years, have two kids, and have been married happily through most of our relationship.

She shared with me that this is how she was quite early in our relationship. What she said was more or less along the lines of "I will have things with other people, this doesn't have anything to do with you, it won't change my affection for you, it won't change my feelings towards you, it's just how I am."

I was never very good at this-- talking about feelings and such. I'm quite introverted and at that point I had a hard time having these conversations. So my reaction was "OK, I'll deal with it." But the way I dealt with it was by swallowing the feelings that I felt when I knew there was someone else in her life. And that was not an easy thing for me to do, but I knew that I couldn't demand that she change who she was, and I didn't want to lose her.

So, at some point, we reached a kind of a deal along the lines of "Do whatever you need to, I just don't want to know about it." It seemed practical at the time. Neither of us had the intelectual ammo to talk about it in a more sophisticated way. Neither of us knew about the concept of ENM.

This was about 15ish years ago. Then she had a large pause during which we were basically living as a monogamous couple. The pause lasted until last February, when she went on a trip to visit one of her two best friends from school who lives in another country. There she met a guy, things between them clicked, and there she was again in a relationship outside our marriage.

As per our deal, she tried to keep it from me, but at some point it became obvious that there was something. (I'll not go into detail how, because it'll make my post a tad too long.) Something felt off to me, so I asked her a question. She took some time before she gave the answer.

(At this point she was a couple of months into this relationship. It was mostly virtual, over WhatsApp, but she had another trip to her best friend planned for June.)

I said "OK, let me see how I feel about this." The next day, we had a long conversation, where I shared with her that I'd been through this before, that it was quite painful, and that I didn't feel like I could go through it again in this manner. At that point, I was actually thinking of breaking up our relationship, as the prospect of enduring the same thing seemed unbearable to me.

As a mono guy who, at this point, didn't know much, if anything, about polyamory, my first, instinctive, reaction was: "This is for you to decide, but what I would like is for you to break up with the guy, cut him off completely," to which she said: "I can do this, but then I'll hate you and it won't end well."

I thought about it for several days (during which we continued having long, calm, meaningful conversations where we clarified our feelings), before I reached the next phase, which was: "I would like you to end it when you go there in June." To which she said "I don't know if I will be able to and if I will want to, and most probably if I do I will end up hating you again. Besides, even if I end it now, I cannot promise you that this won't happen again."

The last point was very true. I knew it even before she brought it up, and this is what sent me to the Internet searching for people in our situation.

This is how I discovered the term polyamory, what it meant, the fact that there are people like us (mono+poly) who have relationships that actually work. This is how I discovered the world of ethical non-monogamy.

I read several articles on the topic of polyamory, some specifically on mono-poly relationships, and the more I read, the more hope arose in me. I couldn't help but grasp this idea, as it seemed to completely solve our issue.

It's been a month and a half since we had our initial conversation. During this time, it became clear that she wasn't aware of the way I took her other relationships. I take the blame here, as through the years I didn't express my feelings in any way.

She has been super-supportive and open since the whole thing started. She supports me in my lows (of which I had some), she supports me in my highs. One of the things she did shortly after we started having these conversations was to book a long weekend trip to a very romantic place in a fairy tale-like clay house for the two of us. By the time we went on that trip I had bought and read the Polysecure book by Jessica Fern, and I had started browsing this very forum. We spent the weekend going through the third part of the book (her HEARTS method) and discussing the questions and examples from the book and how they applied (or could apply) to our relationship.

She committed to reading the whole book. She hasn't done so yet, as her schedule has been quite busy lately (she's quite busy at work, besides she has our conversations and her relationship with the other guy to manage).

And this is how things were last Friday. Her flight to her best friend was in the small hours on Saturday. I was to drive her to the airport. We were invited to a gathering with some friends the night before. On the way to the gathering we got into a fight that led me to a small breakdown, so we sat down at a local park and talked it through, even though we were running late for the gathering. I'm quite confident that the thing we had a fight over was mostly a pretext, and the actual reason was the fact that some hours later I was about to take her to the airport and have her fly out to see her other guy and be away from me for 10 days.

She's there right now, since last Saturday. So far I'm managing, and she has been really supportive, as well. We keep in touch daily. Yesterday I felt for the first time in a while that what she has been saying to me is actually true - that she is with me, she's not going anywhere, that we can and will go through this together. I felt such a relaxation. I actually felt in my bones that I could live this way. I felt enormous joy and calm.

At that moment I was grateful that she went there. Not once had I asked her not to go, but it was at that moment that I realized why I hadn't. It wasn't because I didn't mind her going. My mono mind was screaming, "Are you our of your mind? Don't let her go!" But I think that if I had tried to stop her that would actually break things between us. I think that if I can live through this trip, then things will be much much easier onward.

So this is where I am at right now. I think we are going in a good direction. I think we will get there. But it's hard at times.

I guess the main reason I'm posting this is just to share it with some folks who'll understand where I'm at.

Feel free to share any thoughts this might provoke in you. I am open to any kind of advice, as, like I said, this is new territory for both of us.

For anyone who has read up to this point, you have my sincere gratitude.

(I have left out quite a lot of details and context. Including it would make the already too long post even longer.)

 

[kdt26417]

Hello polyapple274,

Mono/poly relationships are a possibility, there are people who have that and have been able to make it work, however it is not easy. It sounds like you are just now getting through some of the initial hardships that are required in order to make this work. Kudos to you for hanging in there while your wife goes on this trip to see her boyfriend. You have been reading up and doing your homework. This greatly improves your chances of being able to adjust to this. I hope we on this forum can help you out in this area. Let us know if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[polyapple274]

Hi kdt26417, and thanks for the encouragement!

I am aware that this is not going to be an easy journey. From what I've read so far it seem like our situation is one of the hardest to navigate, but I am positive that we have good chances to succeed. As I said, we've been talking a lot during the past month and a half. We went openly through so many things, and so far we haven't encountered any elephants in the room (so to speak) that would be a blocker. There is no resentment between us.

As for questions, I do have a lot, in fact so many that it's kind of hard to figure out where to start from, but let me try.

Since we started talking, she has shared more and more stuff about her boyfriend and their relationship. For me, this feels a little weird, because most of the time it feels like it helps me to know these things. I expected that they would trigger me, maybe even hurt me, but it doesn't seem to be the case. (I mean, some things did trigger me, but much less than I expected.) Is this normal?

She's been asking me if she should share such things with me, and I don't know the answer myself. I told her that I'd let her know if I felt that I didn't want to know something. So far, I don't think she's crossed any boundaries, but I don't know where the boundaries are supposed to be...

I'm wondering if this sounds like an ill/unhealthy/morbid thing to do for me. It doesn't feel like one, but I keep wondering.

Another thing that we've been discussing is communication, specifically while she's away. In Polysecure, Fern specifically talks against sneaking in texts/calls to one partner while one is with another partner. I mentioned that to her on our long weekend trip-- I basically asked her to not do it while we were spending quality time together. But now that she's on her trip with him, I am grateful for every single text I get from her. Even though I am her primary partner (that's what she considers me to be, in her words), it feels a bit like a double standard. I mean, the guy gets much much less time with her than I do. We live together, while he's thousands of kilometers away most of the time.

Is it fair for me to ask for her full attention while she's with me, but not let her give him her full attention in the limited time that she is spending with him?

 

[kdt26417]

It varies a lot how one spouse is about receiving information from the other spouse about the other spouse's OSO. Some spouses hate hearing that stuff and it triggers them in the extreme, some spouses benefit from knowing that stuff as it keeps their imagination from getting carried away, some spouses are even turned on by that stuff. You seem to be somewhere in the middle. It's perfectly normal.

There's not a boundary of where information about the other spouse's OSO is supposed to be. The only boundary is that nothing should be shared that the OSO doesn't want shared. The OSO has a right to their own privacy. If the OSO is okay with sharing whatever, then share away, as long as that's what you want. It is not ill, unhealthy, or morbid, it is just what you prefer.

As far as remote communication is concerned, it varies according to what everyone involves finds agreeable. If her boyfriend is okay with the "double standard" you speak of, then by all means let her text you while she's with him, without doing him the same courtesy. One common guideline is, that it is okay to text your other partner when you're not actually engaged with your present partner. When you are engaged with your present partner, that is your special time with them, and should not be infringed upon.

 

[Magdlyn]

I am aware that this is not going to be an easy journey. From what I've read so far it seem like our situation is one of the hardest to navigate, but I am positive that we have good chances to succeed. As I said, we've been talking a lot during the past month and a half. We went openly through so many things, and so far we haven't encountered any elephants in the room (so to speak) that would be a blocker. There is no resentment between us.

Welcome to the board. I can't tell you how happy I am to read about your slow rational progress and the changes you've made to go from a "don't ask don't tell" (DADT) style arrangement to a more open, caring, trusting form of polyamory. You read a good book and applied the principles. You are a shining example to other formerly mono couples who have made this transition.

Since we started talking, she has shared more and more stuff about her boyfriend and their relationship. For me, this feels a little weird, because most of the time it feels like it helps me to know these things. I expected that they would trigger me, maybe even hurt me, but it doesn't seem to be the case. (I mean, some things did trigger me, but much less than I expected.) Is this normal?

She's been asking me if she should share such things with me, and I don't know the answer myself. I told her that I'd let her know if I felt that I didn't want to know something. So far, I don't think she's crossed any boundaries, but I don't know where the boundaries are supposed to be...

I'm wondering if this sounds like an ill/unhealthy/morbid thing to do for me. It doesn't feel like one, but I keep wondering.

There is no set-in-stone way to go about sharing information about each other's relationships or partners. Generally, the bottom line is you just need to know a few things. 1) She is in a relationship with another person. 2) They are practicing safer sex, using protection, getting STI checks and clean lab results.

Beyond that, it is very nice to know when your partner is going on a date, with whom, when they are leaving and when they are coming back. This just makes it easier to plan your own schedule. Your partner can go have their dates, but they need to rein it in so that they aren't neglecting dating you, and aren't neglecting responsibilities they have around the house, to children (if any), to other family, to friends. They should have a budget for dating others, ideally their own bank account for this kind of thing.

As for sharing things actually about the other partner, generally it's good to keep sexual details private. Also, they shouldn't share intimate details of the other's life without the other partner's permission. Every dyad in a poly network deserves their own privacy. I'm sure there are things about you that you don't want your wife sharing with New Guy too, like the time you wet the bed on a sleepover when you were seven years old, or something more serious, such as a trauma you're dealing with.

You probably want to know his name and address, and his phone number, in case of emergencies, just as you'd know that if she were going to see a platonic friend, or her sister, or something. You don't need to know what restaurants they went to, what they ate, how lovely the sunset was on their walk, how thrilling it was when he touched her hand at a certain moment of a movie, or things like that, that would make you envious or get FOMO. I found that as I progressed in polyamory and it became second nature, I could hear about those kinds of details without getting at all jealous. I developed compersion, a term you might have heard about.

Another thing that we've been discussing is communication, specifically while she's away. In Polysecure, Fern specifically talks against sneaking in texts/calls to one partner while one is with another partner. I mentioned that to her on our long weekend trip-- I basically asked her to not do it while we were spending quality time together. But now that she's on her trip with him, I am grateful for every single text I get from her. Even though I am her primary partner (that's what she considers me to be, in her words), it feels a bit like a double standard. I mean, the guy gets much much less time with her than I do. We live together, while he's thousands of kilometers away most of the time.

Is it fair for me to ask for her full attention while she's with me, but not let her give him her full attention in the limited time that she is spending with him?

You shouldn't be sneaking about anything.

Yeah, that's unfair. I find that when I am home with one of my partners, I don't mind if we both have set times where we can chat with our other partners, or with friends or family. It's unreasonable to expect an entire weekend or week to be just about the two of you. But when you're actively having quality time, out at a restaurant, or at a concert, cuddling and watching a movie on the couch, making love, etc., that time is just for the two of you. Don't pick up the phone to answer a call from one guy when the other guy just got done cumming in you, should be a given. (People have reported doing things like this. They've been "trained" to immediately respond to their wife's calls, say, and will do that at any old time, even at very inconvenient or rude times.)

Some people really don't need to hear from their partner when the partner is away for just 2 or 3 days, but probably want to hear from them during a longer time apart. But others like to have a good morning and/or good night text, at least. That can be determined between you all. New Guy gets a say too! He doesn't have to abide by predetermined rules you (singular and plural) set down. That is not respectful and reeks of couple privilege.

 

[MeeraReed]

I think you're actually doing fine with the texting for now, since this is so new for you.

Yes, in the long run, it's not fair if she's not allowed to text the other guy while she's on a weekend trip with you, but she's required to text with you on her trip with him...but as a mono spouse transitioning to a poly marriage, that's okay as an initial baby step to help you feel more comfortable.

It's good of you to recognize that it's a double standard and not fair to the other guy. But, truly, don't stress about it. It's fine to ask for her undivided attention on a much-needed romantic weekend for the two of you, and it's fine to ask her to check in with you on her first (openly discussed) weekend away with someone else.

Think of it as crutches or training wheels, where later you won't need them. Maybe next time she goes on a trip with the other guy, you'll be fine with just one or two quick texts without a lot of emotional reassurance, and then the time after that, you'll be fine not hearing from her at all. (Or a year from now, or however long it takes).

Many poly couples who live together schedule regular date nights with each other so they are focused just on each other, say for one night a week or so, with no texting other partners during the date. Even if the "date" is just watching TV together at home. Versus other "ordinary" nights where maybe you watch TV together as a normal routine, but it's not really a special date night and it's fine to text other partners, friends, family.

Or, a poly spouse might set aside a half hour every evening to chat with/text with their other partner, or give a quick good-night call, or something, and otherwise be more focused on their spouse during their evenings at home. There are many options.

 

[MeeraReed]

Also, I would suggest that your wife find her own way to get to the airport when she's going to see her other partner. She can take an Uber or something. It shouldn't be your chore to drive her to the airport and pick her up (unless you really like doing it).

Sometimes the mono spouse gets stuck doing the logistical chores to make life run smoothly for the poly partner. Staying home to do the childcare, grocery shopping, dog-walking, etc, while poly spouse gets a fun sexy trip away from the marital home and the chores of daily life.

It's the poly person's job to manage that and make it fair for the mono spouse. Like, maybe the mono spouse wants a weekend away on a solo trip, or something.

If your wife asked for advice here, I would remind her to find the time to sit herself down and read all the poly books you've been reading! It's on her to make time in her busy schedule to actually do as much research into polyamory as you, her mono spouse, have done.

 

[Bobbi]

Since we started talking, she has shared more and more stuff about her boyfriend and their relationship. For me, this feels a little weird, because most of the time it feels like it helps me to know these things. I expected that they would trigger me, maybe even hurt me, but it doesn't seem to be the case. (I mean, some things did trigger me, but much less than I expected.) Is this normal?

Everyone is different but for me, the more we talk about and share about other partners, the more secure I feel. There's something about the transparency and actually knowing that also prevents me from making up horrible fantasy stories in my head that can take me down a tunnel of doom.

She's been asking me if she should share such things with me, and I don't know the answer myself. I told her that I'd let her know if I felt that I didn't want to know something. So far, I don't think she's crossed any boundaries, but I don't know where the boundaries are supposed to be...

For me the boundaries are when it doesn't feel like a positive thing. Most definitely if I feel what's being shared might be too private and thinking if that person knew what was shared might be upset by it

Another thing that we've been discussing is communication, specifically while she's away. In Polysecure, Fern specifically talks against sneaking in texts/calls to one partner while one is with another partner. I mentioned that to her on our long weekend trip

I think the important word here is "sneaking". My partner and I have agreements on quality time being device free. However if we spend more than 24 hours together we have designated phone time to reply or message others....like 15 minutes when we wake up....where we both can do what we want including text/call others.

 

[polyapple274]

To all that replied to this thread - a huge thank you! This is of tremendous help to me right now.

I'll respond to a few things that jump out to me right now, I might try to post a longer response in the coming days.


I think it makes sense to mention that I checked with her before posting here and then I sent her the link to this thread, so she is following it. I doubt that she'll register and start posting here, but this conversation is getting to her anyway.


Regarding sharing information about her OSO - from everything posted here (and elsewhere - I browsed a few other topics that touch on this) I get the feeling that it is up to us (and by us I mean me, her and her OSO) to figure out what gets shared. That is good to know. From the experience so far, I think this rings very true to me:

There's something about the transparency and actually knowing that also prevents me from making up horrible fantasy stories in my head that can take me down a tunnel of doom.

Regarding privacy - I guess this is something that she and I, and maybe more importantly she and he, should discuss further. I definitely get the idea and it makes perfect sense to me, but I don't know if she had discussed it with him at all.

Also, I would suggest that your wife find her own way to get to the airport when she's going to see her other partner. She can take an Uber or something. It shouldn't be your chore to drive her to the airport and pick her up (unless you really like doing it).

I actually do like it, and in this case I think it helped me a great deal. The night before her trip we got home with the plan of going early to bed to get at least some sleep before her flight, but ended up staying up more or less until it was time to leave for the airport. We talked, we made sex, and it was lovely.

Sometimes the mono spouse gets stuck doing the logistical chores to make life run smoothly for the poly partner. Staying home to do the childcare, grocery shopping, dog-walking, etc, while poly spouse gets a fun sexy trip away from the marital home and the chores of daily life.

I hear what you're saying, and yes, we are somewhat in a situation like the one you describe, but from what I'm getting from her (both what she says and what she does) lately, we are moving in the right direction. This is completely new territory for both of us (not sure about her OSO) and I think we're progressing. Yes, I might be the one leading the way right now, but I feel like she's doing her best as well.

 

[kdt26417]

Sounds like you guys are on the right track. Keep us posted, and let us know if you have any more questions.

 

[polyapple274]

Hi again,

Here are the updates from the last days:

She is flying back from her trip tonight, I'm picking her up from the airport. Can't wait to see her, hug her.

I managed to stay sane during the trip. I think that several things played a role in this:

1) Her. She was again really helpful and supportive. We had a couple of hiccups, e.g., she didn't let me know about one occasion where she was meeting him, I had to ask explicitly. We talked about it, I think she got the message that knowing their schedule is important to me. She still has to do some chatching up, but we'll get there.

2) You guys. Again, this thread has been of great help. Thank you!

3) Me. I've been keeping a kind of a journal. I'm basically writing down the thoughts that go through my mind that I consider important or interesting. I've done this every day since the thing started and I go over what I've written every now and then. It seems to be helping.

In the first few days I had my downs, but got through. Then a calm feeling started growing. I started realizing that the relationships with the other guys isn't something that would replace ours. I think I started to feel the compersion that gets often mentioned. I felt the same thing before, but this is somehow different, as it is felt towards my spouse's relationship.

Overall, I think her trip (did/does/will do) more good than bad to us and our relationship. I think it helps me realize that I *can* be away from her, that she isn't in fact about to leave me, basically that my worries are baseless. I mean, I know these things on a rational level, but I think I'm also starting to feel them, if you know what I mean.

Generally, I try to follow the rule that if I find something uneasing then I try to do it more often. I guess this is related to exposure therapy, but I've been doing before I knew what it's called. That is not to say that I will beg her to go again to her other guy immediately, but she mentioned that she wants to do a few more days again in the coming months and I think I can manage that (hopefully, more and more gracefully with time).

At some point, I intend to go over my chat history with her and see how that went. I tried quite hard (struggled at times) to not bother her while she was with him, but I'll have to double-check myself on that.

So, yeah, this is where we're at.

 

[kdt26417]

Good for you for hanging in there, and I am glad you are starting to feel better. Not that you are out of the woods yet, but things are looking more hopeful.