6 years in, poly curiosity resurfaces yet again.

[kittyEmojis]

Hi all, I wanna start with the fact that i’ve pondered polygamy the moment my boyfriend of 6+ years mentioned he wouldn’t mind a threeway between him, our friend overseas & i maybe 2-3 years in. i left it at that not knowing how to respond other than having a good chuckle & modestly agreeing (i’m a shy person, so i felt awkward putting a thought like that on the spot so soon in our relationship. i didn’t know if he meant it. the possibility of him using the idea as a joke sort of bothered me, but i didn’t know until now).

our relationship is rocky sometimes. we’ve taken multiple breaks because there are some things about him i just need time away from every blue moon. i love him to death, i can’t imagine not having him with me—unlike a lot of people for some funny reason, i understand no person is perfect, & one’s cons should not be grounds to cut people out (especially when they obviously put effort everyday being mindful of their problems & always working to better themselves). every time we took a break i’d think about how fun it would be to with someone else—but of course not through breaking things off with my boyfriend (i’m female by the way). as i said, i love him dearly no matter what, thinking of the endless possibilities for our future gives me life. i just also see no harm in introducing another person into the mix. part of me thinks it’s because i have “two modes”. there’s the raunchier more blatantly sexual advernturous “edgy” side of me who i love the way he makes me feel comfortable exploring,

then there’s the softer, naturally sheepish/timid side of me that i can only muster with another guy i’ve known a few years. i love the way this friend of mine always talks to me so affectionately and lightheartedly. he’s every sense of the words a gentle giant. so i’ve been thinking a lot recently about transforming this relationship of mine with my 6 years & ongoing going boyfriend, to one including my friend who makes me feel like a delicate flower princess. i foresee the relationship being a “V” structure, where i am the pivot, as they don’t know each other, & it’d be my existence & all which inevitably has them interact.

both these boys are very open minded people, but i’m afraid. i don’t know how to go about this. i have very bad anxiety & depression, the stress is making me want to bury my feelings but i know i’ll be miserable with this hanging over my head. i’ve never acted on poly thoughts, afraid for the outcome of the mention alone.

for extra context, the friend of mine is always calling me cute & adorable, always ready to listen to my problem. honestly i thought i was in over my head thinking of him romantically, but i just learned yesterday, which would mark the 3rd year i believe? —that he had a crush on me (& most likely still does, as he makes remarks about wanting to cuddle, hold hands & kiss me). he isn’t overbearing about it either, it’s too obvious my comfort is always the top thing on his mind, as when he does get adorably flirty it’s only after a decent amount of talk, & he’s always clearly shy about admitting it. lately i’ve been accidentally reciprocating a little bit, but i haven’t let it go far as i’ve mentioned—i really do love my boyfriend to no end & cant bear the thought of crushing him. especially with how harsh the breaks have been. helpppp.

plus, i’m also afraid this will scare away my friend. it would break my heart. i’m pretty sure he’s aware i’m taken, as i don’t know why else he would phrase his crush past tense as if he’s not obviously still crushing on me. he’s never asked about it though.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello kittyEmojis,

I think your first step is to do some thinking about polyamory, ask yourself, is polyamory definitely what you want in your relationships? No point in going on to your second step (discussing poly with your boys) if the answer is no. But if the answer is yes, then you need to sit down individually with each of the boys, tell them you want poly and see what they think. If they don't want poly, then you'll have to decide whether that's something you can live with. Then again they may want mono/poly where they stay mono, but you have two (or more) partners (a V like you said). That would work.

The third step is to try actually putting the idea of poly into practice in your life. You should do this very slowly at first, don't rush anything. Maybe just date your friend a little, very little, like coffee or something at first. In the meantime, learn as much as you can about poly. Here are some resources to that end:

• Opening Up (the book and the website)
• Poly FAQ
• Polyamory Websites
• Master Thread - links to other threads worth reading

Continue to read and post on this forum, interact with the other active members here, and gain more knowledge in that way about poly. Keep us posted as your situation evolves, how things are going as you do your first step, your second step, your third step, and your fourth step would be embracing poly fully. Hopefully by the time you get to that step, you'll know exactly what you want poly to look like in your life, and you'll have discussed it thoroughly with both of your boys, and you'll be in touch with their needs, and you'll be communicative with them about your needs.

Slowly but surely wins the race. Good luck!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi kitty,

I took the liberty of lightly editing your post for clarity. Also, since we request you choose nicknames for friends and lovers, I will call your bf Adam and your friend Ben. But you can choose other names, of course.

Hi all,

I want to start with the fact that I've pondered polygamy from the moment my boyfriend of 6+ years, Adam, mentioned he wouldn’t mind a threeway between him, our friend overseas, and me, when we were maybe 2-3 years in. I left it at that, not knowing how to respond, other than having a good chuckle and modestly agreeing. I'm a shy person, so I felt awkward putting a thought like that on the spot so early in our relationship. I didn’t know if he meant it. The possibility of him using the idea as a joke sort of bothered me, but I didn’t know that until now.

This wasn't "polygamy," which means multiple marriage. It's not even polyamory. It's a passing thought that reflects he found this overseas friend attractive, and had a momentary fantasy. It bothered you, but you pretended it didn't, and laughed it off, never addressing it again.

Our relationship is rocky sometimes. We’ve taken multiple breaks because there are some things about him I just need time away from, every blue moon.

I love him to death; I can’t imagine not having him with me—unlike a lot of people, for some funny reason, I understand no person is perfect, and a person's cons should not be grounds to cut people out (especially when they obviously put effort everyday being mindful of their problems & always working to better themselves).

It sounds like polyamory would be perfect for you. You could live apart from Adam and date him only when you felt like it, creating an easy boundary between you and his behaviors which are terrible enough to cause painful temporary breakups. Maybe if you weren't always around, normally, he'd value your time more and behave better and curb those bad behaviors out of respect for you. And if he didn't, or couldn't, you could just go home.

Every time we took a break, I’d think about how fun it would be to be with someone else, but of course not through breaking things off with my boyfriend. (I'm female by the way.) As I said, I love him dearly, no matter what. Thinking of the endless possibilities for our future gives me life.

I just also see no harm in introducing another person into the mix.

"No harm" except the chance of losing Adam forever, of course.

Part of me thinks it’s because I have “two modes:" There’s the raunchier more blatantly sexual adventurous “edgy” side of me, who loves the way Adam makes me feel comfortable exploring.

Then there’s the softer, naturally sheepish/timid side of me that I can only muster with another guy I’ve known a few years, Ben. I love the way he always talks to me so affectionately and lightheartedly. He is, in every sense of the words, a gentle giant.

So, I’ve been thinking a lot recently about transforming this relationship of mine with my 6 years and ongoing going boyfriend Adam, to one which includes Ben, who makes me feel like a delicate flower princess. I foresee the relationship being a “V” structure, where I am the pivot, as they don’t know each other, and it would be my existence which inevitably would have them interact.

Both boys are very open minded people, but I'm afraid. I don’t know how to go about this. I have very bad anxiety and depression. The stress is making me want to bury my feelings, but I know I'll be miserable with this hanging over my head. I’ve never acted on poly thoughts, afraid for the outcome of even mentioning it.

Is your "very bad" anxiety and depression untreated? No meds, no therapist with whom you could talk over all the painful breakups with Adam, and the ongoing attraction to Ben? If you're untreated, I'd strongly suggest getting treatment before approaching either man about the idea of polyamory. Poly takes a ton of work, especially when you're already in a mono relationship, and it's not for the faint of heart or untreated ill person to deal with in any kind of comfortable rational manner.

For extra context, Ben is always calling me cute and adorable, always ready to listen to my problems. Honestly, I thought I was in over my head thinking of him romantically, but I just learned yesterday (which would mark the 3rd year of our friendship, I believe?) that he had a crush on me. He most likely still does, as he makes remarks about wanting to cuddle, hold hands and kiss me.

He isn’t overbearing about it either, it’s very obvious my comfort is always the top thing on his mind. When he does get adorably flirty it’s only after a decent amount of talk, and he’s always clearly shy about admitting it.

Lately I’ve been accidentally reciprocating a little bit, but I haven’t let it go far. As I’ve mentioned, I really do love Adam to no end and can't bear the thought of crushing him, especially with how harsh the breaks have been.

You think Ben is adorable when he flirts, you're "accidentally" encouraging and returning the flirtation. Beware! This should not be happening without many discussions with Adam, and his joyous consent.

Plus, I’m also afraid this will scare away Ben, which would break my heart. I’m pretty sure he’s aware I'm "taken," as I don’t know why else he would phrase his crush past tense, as if he’s not obviously still crushing on me. He’s never asked about it though.

Help!

My best suggestion is as above. Get therapy, get meds if needed. Or you might drown and ruin everything.

Next, read a LOT about polyamory. Read books, such as Opening Up. If necessary, go on another break with Adam, not as a fight, just for your mental health, so you can have privacy and space to deal with your illness and research poly. Read our boards, search "new to poly" or terms like that. There are probably a thousand threads here from people who want to transition from mono to poly but have no clue how to do it.

Make some space between you and Ben, stop seeing him so often, stop "accidentally flirting," so you don't keep feeding the crush flames, until you have Adam's consent to at least talk about crush feelings for others between yourselves.

Remember, just because you're feeling an attraction does not mean there is an emergency to act upon it.

Please feel free to use the members here as a sounding board. We have many experienced regulars to bounce ideas off of.