A Beating?

[Spork]

Mostly yes, only very slightly no...

The pinch of "yes, but" I want to inject along with everything I agree with here, is that there are people who contribute to the abuse dynamic with certain chronic victim behaviors. I'm not saying that they are to BLAME exactly...but we have all known the woman whose every relationship seems to turn into a train wreck and she is the victim again and again.

I absolutely believe that there comes a point where, concepts such as fault and blame utterly aside, one must look at the choices and habits and behaviors one is doing, if one suffers bad outcomes again and again. I can say very definitively that in my recent marriage, which was certainly abusive, I had a hand in the creation and shaping of my abuser. I take responsibility for the parts that resulted from my choices and actions. This doesn't mean I "blame" my self or beat myself up over it. It means I've got the power to make better choices and have better outcomes.

I am far more AWARE, than I was at age 18 when I ignored all the many red flags and got involved with him.

That awareness makes all the difference in the world. Not everyone has it, and some people will never have it, because taking accountability and seeking better futures feels too much like taking blame, and trying to actively change things means you might fail. Far easier to remain a victim, as long as it's not your fault...

While I may enjoy submission, I have no desire to be truly powerless. I'm thankful that I know the difference.

I don't think you have a great understanding of abusive relationship dynamics.

No relationship starts out as toxic, and abusers' initial demands for control can be (either or both) subtle or apparently justified. Persistent relationship abuse comes in cycles that include a honeymoon phase, where abusers relax their control so that it will have more impact when it's slammed in again later.

You do not know what pressures she was responding to when she passed on the threat. It may have been her only option for preserving her own sanity and safety at that time. That doesn't mean it's a good situation for you to stay in.

The desire for dominance (in bed or elsewhere) is not the part that becomes pathological, it's the abuser's desire - and increasing ability - to control that pushes things off the rails.

 

[opalescent]

... Unfortunately relocating is not an option at this point in my life. Life partner and I have a dream home here we spent 5+ years building. Finding like minded people here is so difficult. You have to remain closeted about so much in a small town...

You know your circumstances and your community best of course. But reconsider how closeted you have to be. Are you financially dependent on anyone? Would it hurt you immensely to lose some friends? Do you really care what strangers or acquaintances think of you and life partner? If you were ostracized by some, would you even notice? Is there the possibility of violence?

By no means do I want to minimize how much a risk being out about being poly and/or open relationships can be. It is a serious decision. But I have also noticed that what we fear most about being out doesn't happen (we tell people and no cares) or it does happen and we find it wasn't that important and we don't miss it (whatever 'it' might be, a friend, family, church, etc.). Or it is painful but we find the pain worth the greater freedom and authenticity in our lives. Sometimes we build up being 'out' into something scary when it is really our own fears holding us back.

So seriously consider if you and your life partner can be more out to some degree. There are degree of 'outness' - no one has to be out to everyone at all times and places. I know there are poly, open or just more adventurous people in the oddest, most unlikely of places.

 

[kdt26417]

Good point, opal ...

 

[MrMatou]

You know your circumstances and your community best of course. But reconsider how closeted you have to be. Are you financially dependent on anyone? Would it hurt you immensely to lose some friends? Do you really care what strangers or acquaintances think of you and life partner? If you were ostracized by some, would you even notice? Is there the possibility of violence?

You are probably right Opalescent. Growing up being bi-sexual in a small rural town has made me probably over cautious. You did risk violence if you were out about your alternate sexuality as a teenager/young adult. I do have a business here, but its wholesale, so probably no issue there. I guess you learn who your true friends are if you are out about an alternate lifestyle. Its just easier to not have to deal with the bullshit as everyone knows. And I really hate being the entertainment for everyone's gossip.

 

[Spork]

You are probably right Opalescent. Growing up being bi-sexual in a small rural town has made me probably over cautious. You did risk violence if you were out about your alternate sexuality as a teenager/young adult. I do have a business here, but its wholesale, so probably no issue there. I guess you learn who your true friends are if you are out about an alternate lifestyle. Its just easier to not have to deal with the bullshit as everyone knows. And I really hate being the entertainment for everyone's gossip.

Haha...I actually like being the subject of gossip. By all means, talk about how happy I am and how wild and astonishing you find my lifestyle. I live a life of adventure, and I am "out" to so many vanilla people, even at work. I want to put a face and likable personality on these concepts, so that they don't feel like "what kind of weirdos do that??" Right here. Me. And it's fantastic. And to those who love to live vicariously through me because their lives are boring, I say, why not try it yourself?

I get a lot of "I could never, I could never" and pearl clutching at that, but I laugh it off. When you're really happy, in general, it's hard to be upset about what anyone might be saying. As the song goes, "let's give 'em somethin' to talk about!"