Over the past few weeks, L and I have been talking more over email then in person. When we see each other on our day together, it has been mostly going out and trying to step away from life. The fact of the matter is, we are both just run down from working our careers and both have very turbulent personal lives. We are also realizing we didn't know much about each other outside of our professional wise. The good news is, we have a lot in common and are both very very nerdy people. We spend a lot of time talking about politics and of course, careers and interests.
His wife kept fighting with him. Constantly nagging at him. At least, that was the impression I got. But I did my best to cut off any conversation about her and I also did not ask questions about her because I knew it was just lead to more...angst. There was no reason I needed to know what was going on on his side unless he came out with a new boundary - which he hasn't done in a while. Still, I could sense that there was more going on behind closed doors then both of us were willing to admit. For my part, my family situation was deteriorating too.
It came to a head last week where there was apparently a major blow up with his wife and himself. She is not upset that we are continuing to see each other, etc. She is just absolutely convinced that one day he's going to go out with me and never come back. He abruptly cancelled our day together to console her, the day of after I had been waiting for nearly 4 hours for him to show up. I did not take it well and went off. I wasn't angry, per se, that he was canceling, I was upset that everytime she has had a major melt down like this that a boundary or a decision would be made without even consulting me or simply ASKING me. It was about the approach.
I was superiorly stressed out by work that day and literally the only thing that had kept me going that night was the fact I was going to see him in the morning. That was going to be the highlight of my week. After everything I went through at work (pulled muscle, very sore hip, loss of a very good friend, and office politics), I just wanted his arms around me. I blew up. We didn't speak to each other for four days.
When we got back together, he told me him and his wife had a very long conversation and he laid the cards on the table with her again and she, with him. The unexpected thing was that he could now spend the night with me if he wanted too. I was happy, but suspicious. I was waiting for the whole "I'll say this is ok, then I'll take it back 14 hour later" crap from her. That was when I talked to him and told him that I wouldn't have that anymore. I am happy to talk about things and understand that this is a...very very hard thing to work through, but at the very least, can he at least try to ASK and work through things with me instead of just saying "Sorry, not seeing you, get over it." Type thing? He said he would no longer do it and I said I would work on understanding that yes, there's going to be a lot of bumps in the road and that this will take years to fully set.
He spent the night. It was wonderful and ironically, I was happy for time on my own after he left.
Getting the apartment was a huge help and I'm starting to embrace the "single" life I have after setting out on my own.
My mother and I just had a serious falling out. That's a whole other situation. My ex-husband is also doing some unethical things with money and our divorce process that might have to result in legal action. Gah, I really REALLY don't want to go down that route. I managed to hammer things out with him, but lord knows how things will really go.
I've done a lot of personal growth. Starting to focus a lot more on my self, particularly taking care of myself and setting boundaries.
Its been painful. Not just on the relationship front, but on all fronts. I don't think I've cried more. On the other hand, I've made so much progress in so many little ways. I've worked so hard and achieved so much and in many respects, am blossoming. On the other hand, damn. Dark days some times.
But I still think its all worth it. I see a light for myself. '
I also have accepted that maybe L and I won't make it in the end. The idea is devastating, but its not crippling any more. I can actually see myself moving on, where as before, the idea scared me terrible.
But as I type this, I see things slowly going in the right direction, though with a lot of growing/discovery pains. We are there for each other, better than before, but as I said 100 plus times in this post, a lot to learn and a lot to accept.
Guess the rose tinted glasses are finally off
Edit 1:
Wondering if this should be moved to blogs or should I just start another thread in the blogs? I wouldn't mind posting regularly to this post. Just talking about it, even in vagueness helps a lot.
I wanted to point out too:
Focusing on what we DO have and the positive things in our relationship really really helps. I try not to focus on the negative and what has gone wrong. I focus on the quality time with him, even if its brief. I also have really made an effort to appreciate the new freedom I have in my current living situation and having fun with my room mate. It's been one hell of a journey in just a few short weeks. I wrote in my journal today that its nice to have dinner, the way I like it, without having to constantly consider someone else. It's nice to get dressed and get out the door at my own pace. It's nice to spend my free time, reading for hours, and not worrying that I'm not entertaining something or if I'm being "attentive enough" to someone else. It's very nice to just watch movies, the ones I want to watch, and since I have OCD, I can watch the same things over and over again without having to watch them on my tablet with headphones to avoid annoying anyone else in the house hold. I have the house set up the way I want. I can..just be me. and that IS nice.
His wife kept fighting with him. Constantly nagging at him. At least, that was the impression I got. But I did my best to cut off any conversation about her and I also did not ask questions about her because I knew it was just lead to more...angst. There was no reason I needed to know what was going on on his side unless he came out with a new boundary - which he hasn't done in a while. Still, I could sense that there was more going on behind closed doors then both of us were willing to admit. For my part, my family situation was deteriorating too.
It came to a head last week where there was apparently a major blow up with his wife and himself. She is not upset that we are continuing to see each other, etc. She is just absolutely convinced that one day he's going to go out with me and never come back. He abruptly cancelled our day together to console her, the day of after I had been waiting for nearly 4 hours for him to show up. I did not take it well and went off. I wasn't angry, per se, that he was canceling, I was upset that everytime she has had a major melt down like this that a boundary or a decision would be made without even consulting me or simply ASKING me. It was about the approach.
I was superiorly stressed out by work that day and literally the only thing that had kept me going that night was the fact I was going to see him in the morning. That was going to be the highlight of my week. After everything I went through at work (pulled muscle, very sore hip, loss of a very good friend, and office politics), I just wanted his arms around me. I blew up. We didn't speak to each other for four days.
When we got back together, he told me him and his wife had a very long conversation and he laid the cards on the table with her again and she, with him. The unexpected thing was that he could now spend the night with me if he wanted too. I was happy, but suspicious. I was waiting for the whole "I'll say this is ok, then I'll take it back 14 hour later" crap from her. That was when I talked to him and told him that I wouldn't have that anymore. I am happy to talk about things and understand that this is a...very very hard thing to work through, but at the very least, can he at least try to ASK and work through things with me instead of just saying "Sorry, not seeing you, get over it." Type thing? He said he would no longer do it and I said I would work on understanding that yes, there's going to be a lot of bumps in the road and that this will take years to fully set.
He spent the night. It was wonderful and ironically, I was happy for time on my own after he left.
Getting the apartment was a huge help and I'm starting to embrace the "single" life I have after setting out on my own.
My mother and I just had a serious falling out. That's a whole other situation. My ex-husband is also doing some unethical things with money and our divorce process that might have to result in legal action. Gah, I really REALLY don't want to go down that route. I managed to hammer things out with him, but lord knows how things will really go.
I've done a lot of personal growth. Starting to focus a lot more on my self, particularly taking care of myself and setting boundaries.
Its been painful. Not just on the relationship front, but on all fronts. I don't think I've cried more. On the other hand, I've made so much progress in so many little ways. I've worked so hard and achieved so much and in many respects, am blossoming. On the other hand, damn. Dark days some times.
But I still think its all worth it. I see a light for myself. '
I also have accepted that maybe L and I won't make it in the end. The idea is devastating, but its not crippling any more. I can actually see myself moving on, where as before, the idea scared me terrible.
But as I type this, I see things slowly going in the right direction, though with a lot of growing/discovery pains. We are there for each other, better than before, but as I said 100 plus times in this post, a lot to learn and a lot to accept.
Guess the rose tinted glasses are finally off
Edit 1:
Wondering if this should be moved to blogs or should I just start another thread in the blogs? I wouldn't mind posting regularly to this post. Just talking about it, even in vagueness helps a lot.
I wanted to point out too:
Focusing on what we DO have and the positive things in our relationship really really helps. I try not to focus on the negative and what has gone wrong. I focus on the quality time with him, even if its brief. I also have really made an effort to appreciate the new freedom I have in my current living situation and having fun with my room mate. It's been one hell of a journey in just a few short weeks. I wrote in my journal today that its nice to have dinner, the way I like it, without having to constantly consider someone else. It's nice to get dressed and get out the door at my own pace. It's nice to spend my free time, reading for hours, and not worrying that I'm not entertaining something or if I'm being "attentive enough" to someone else. It's very nice to just watch movies, the ones I want to watch, and since I have OCD, I can watch the same things over and over again without having to watch them on my tablet with headphones to avoid annoying anyone else in the house hold. I have the house set up the way I want. I can..just be me. and that IS nice.
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