Well.... you have been talking to her. Have you and him cleared the air?
Because if you are all trying to turn over a new leaf?
You might have to apologize for peeking in her phone.
And when you peeked and read that he had proposed marriage and was urging her to dump you like "Fuck him. Let's get our lives going?"
I don't know how you are supposed to build trust in a new V here with these people if that stuff is not laid to rest. Like actually talking all that out with all three.
The burden "to just get over it" is not all on you. You all have to agree on a new way of going together where people consider each other. Rather than taking them for granted. Or being being like "Screw them!"
I have apologized for my oversteps.
Me and him have never spoke I've tried calling a couple times but he won't take my call or call me back and won't respond to texts. Such as hello this is me and I think we need to talk figure this all out. Beyond showing up at his house or showing up when they are together I don't know how to make that happen. And neither of those options seems reasonable more like letting my fear anger take control.
Even if you plan to practice a "very separate V" -- could make the effort to say you want to turn the page and give this a fresh start without hard feelings. Maybe one more time over text.
There's got to be at least minimal agreements. Like safer sex practices. And what to do if she has a health emergency. The expectation is to call or text the other partner or keep them in the dark?
If he wants to ignore you after you text?
You can either
A) Accept you tried, and wash your hands of it. And agree to do the separate V thing.
Could tell wife you expect her to deal with him and his behaviors. If he behaves like a jerk, it's her problem to nip in the bud. All you can offer is "basic civility and safer sex practices" and keeping it very separate V. Though her picking a guy like this out might (over time) change how you view and look at her. (And you best decide if her having children by him is a dealbreaker to you or not. )
B) Accept you tried, wash your hands of it, and tell wife you DO NOT want to do a separate V with him.
Because he doesn't want to clear the air so it can start on good footing. If he still wants her to ditch you and go of to start a life together with him? That's not gonna work in a V thing. So she's got to pick who she wants to be with and let the chips fall where they may.
C) Accept you tried, wash your hands of it. Tell wife you want a trial separation for 6-12 mos.
Then you wait to see if she gets this out of her system and it implodes while you are out of the line of fire. Or if he becomes more willing to talk and turn over a new page. You get to live on your own for a while away from all this and see what life is like that way. And you decide later if you want to legally split up with wife, take her back if things don't work out with him, or if things are working out, try a poly V at that point in time under less duress.
I'll be honest though. I still think your wife has some issues. She meets and agrees to marry a guy she's only known like 3 mos? This whole thing is bizarre to me.
I hope things get better for you one way or another.
Bizarre to say the least. Very hard to wrap my head around and I'm in it can only imagine how it looks from outside.
She accepted when they only knew eachother 2 months had only been seeing eachother for about a month according to her so yea fucking bizarre and scares me about what the future holds.
And what's really sad is ibwould feel a ton better if she would just day sorry I asked you for a divorce. But the closest I've gotten was an I'm sorry for the way I am.
haha. I work as an editor but I don't come here to get paid. I just did it for fun. Anyway, I read your thread and it seems you sent it to her already with your own editing.
I think you need to face the fact that having an Open marriage comes with the risk that you or your wife could fall in love with a sex partner, of any gender, and might want to renegotiate how your marriage works.
If you don't trust the guy or wife, because they were weirdly "getting engaged" without your knowledge, without her being divorced, after only having known each other 2 months, I'd seek online counseling for you and Wife. Covid has made us all a little crazy. If she was just feeling bored and restless, and did and said some rash things with her bf, and still wants a baby after 10 miscarriages (!), I think you all could use some professional help. Our members here may be smart and experienced in polyamory, but you and Wife probably need to air your grievances together with a professional who can hear both sides of the story. There are poly-friendly therapists out there.
You both have histories of cheating and lying and snooping, to be blunt. You can't do healthy polyamory without being honest and self aware.
Well first and foremost thank you for taking the time to clean that up.
You are completely right I and we need counseling therapy something but when ibask about it for us I get a response of you can go to..... and it gets left there since I won't push my own agenda
It was always understood that she would fall inlove I just never expected it to be I love him now not you.
Thank you for the honesty and good advice. I will try
I hope you do seek individual counseling whether she wants to do couple counseling or not.
I don't think it is "pushing your own agenda" to say "We have a history of wonky relating. I don't want to start a new poly V thing together without addressing all that. I don't want to just start doing NEW wonky. I'd like to do couple counseling. Are you willing to do that if I set up an appointment?"
Then she can answer.
If she has no other ideas for how to help clear up the wonky relating?
Then I think it's ok for you to say "No, I don't want to poly V in a new kind of mess."
You are completely right. We need counseling or therapy. But when I ask about it for us, I get a response of, "You can go." And it gets left there, since I won't push my own agenda.
We always run the risk of falling out of love with someone, and of falling for someone else. It doesn't matter if we call ourselves "polyamorous," or "monogamous." This is the human condition.
I was monogamously married for 30 years, while knowing inside I was polyamorous. After 20 years of our relationship, my ex decided he accepted that I was poly, and we agreed to open our relationship. Oddly, he fell in love with someone else almost right away. I did not. He fell out of love with me as he fell in love with her. Actually, I think we'd already grown apart. We no longer met each other's needs the way we did when we were in our 20s and 30s.
We did a bunch of therapy individually and as a couple, over the years. The goal of our therapy at that time, when we opened our marriage, was not to stay together at all costs. The goal was to come to understand ourselves better, our backgrounds, our current tastes and needs and interests and desires, as individuals. Then we aimed to see if we were still compatible. It turned out we weren't. I benefitted greatly from the safe space to be fully honest about who I was, and what I wanted and needed for myself, in life and in a partner (or partners).
None of that is unreasonable in during COVID 19 pandemic.
You made a show of not liking children? When really you like them but fear a dangerous pregnancy for her? I dn't understand why you are not more able to be honest with your partner.
While on her end she's not using BC and hoping to get pregnant anyway. From who? You? The new dude? Do you want to be fluid bonded with the new dude?
This is the life ive chosen for myself has been chosen for me I can't tell her those things because I remember having that convo and she was clear then that the baby is more important than her and I can't live with that. If it comes down to it I want her over anything and risking her life for the baby is something I'm not comfortable with in any way.
So if she's gonna go ahead and risk her life to get pregnant by whoever is willing to get her pregnant? And you don't want to be the one to help her do that? You could start using condoms and look into getting a vasectomy. Check your laws where you live too. You might be listed as "father" if your wife has a baby even if you didn't get her pregnant.
I don't think you want to be a widower in charge of a newborn baby that is not your child if she does manage it with the BF and it does kill her.
You seem unwilling to put your foot down and just say "No. I'm not doing wonky poly."
I hope you put your foot down on making babies with her then.
Not trying to be mean here. Just urging you to have SOME kind of limits SOMEWHERE.
Because basically you are letting your soft feelings for her make it so you never say "no, thanks" to anything regardless of how wacky or weird.
That's not healthy sounding.
Again, I encourage you to seek individual counseling even if she doesn't want to do couples counseling. On some level you know this is messed up otherwise you would not be posting.
