A few questions from a newbie to Poly relationships.

L

Littlepenguin

New member
I've always been curious about polyamorous relationships. I was in one that was sort of open many many moons ago, but I was young and really had no idea what I was doing. I have now gone on a few days with a woman who is in a poly amorous relationship with a man. I really like her and I'm pretty sure she likes me too. It's all really new, so we haven't gotten past much besides the general information questions (favorite movie, band, sexual position etc) We've talked briefly about her boyfriend and some of her past experiences in other relationships with women etc, but nothing in too much crazy detail yet.

I know that her boyfriend is her primary and it doesn't bother me at all. I suppose my question is, when do you have that sort of conversation with someone. When is it a good time to ask the questions like: Am I a secondary relationship? What sort of rules/boundaries are there? Is there a possibility of me becoming a primary along with your boyfriend? Etc. Is that at date 6? date 22? After we've had sex?

I'm assuming there isn't really a hard fast rule, but some general guidance on the subject would be really helpful. I just want to make sure I do this right and I know open communication is key.
 
There is no right or wrong time to bring that up. You ask the questions when you feel you need the answers. Personally, I would have asked before asking about favorite sex position, but knowing my role in someone's life is more important to me than sex. Others see it differently.

Keep in mind that there isn't necessarily a "primary" and "secondary" in a poly arrangement. Some do it that way, some feel that hierarchy like that is unnecessary or even disrespectful to the people involved.
 
Thanks for your response! I have definitely noticed some of the posts around here debating the hierarchy issue and it leaves me with a million more questions, but I suppose that's to be expected. I will definitely be bringing all of this up with the woman I'm going on dates with, I just need to the timing to be right or like you said, when it feels like I need the answers.

I'm used to be in monogamous relationships with other women and in my experience those tend to move very quickly and become serious faster than they should sometimes. I want to make sure I take my time and ask all the appropriate questions before things get too deep.
 
My experience which is not great tells me not to worry about who is number one.. I have ruined a few relationships because of pride and ego.
 
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I don't get into relationship type questions too quickly. I want to know if I want a relationship with them before I even go there.
 
vinsanity0 said:
I don't get into relationship type questions too quickly. I want to know if I want a relationship with them before I even go there.
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I do understand this way of doing things - definitely works fine in many situations. In this situation, however, where the other person already has stated that she has a primary partner, I'd want to know what that means. The answers to relationship type questions might determine a lot whether or not I'd want to participate. I would ask about the rules and boundaries within her primary relationship and how those would affect my relationship.

Also keep in mind that not all rules and boundaries are explicitly agreed upon - a lot of them often times have never been put into words. There is this undercurrent of "this just is how our relationship works and no one has even questioned the underlying assumptions". Because of this you will need to gain some experience about your partner and the limitations her other relationship is putting on yours.

Good luck!
 
Nadya said:
I do understand this way of doing things - definitely works fine in many situations. In this situation, however, where the other person already has stated that she has a primary partner, I'd want to know what that means. The answers to relationship type questions might determine a lot whether or not I'd want to participate. I would ask about the rules and boundaries within her primary relationship and how those would affect my relationship.

Also keep in mind that not all rules and boundaries are explicitly agreed upon - a lot of them often times have never been put into words. There is this undercurrent of "this just is how our relationship works and no one has even questioned the underlying assumptions". Because of this you will need to gain some experience about your partner and the limitations her other relationship is putting on yours.

Good luck!
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Certainly. I wasn't clear. I was talking about my relationship with the person. I would want a rundown of what relationships they were in. For instance, Sprite gave me a rundown of who she is seeing regularly and which one she is collared to and what that meant to her.
 
When I get involved with someone, I like to at least know what the possibilities are. With Boots, we didn't have that discussion early enough, which led to him feeling trapped and overwhelmed because he thought I wanted a full-on boyfriend-girlfriend relationship... which was an assumption he made based on my actions that were done based on *my* assumption that that was what *he* wanted. If we'd each said, when we agreed we wanted to keep seeing each other, that the most we were open to was FWB, it would have avoided a lot of misunderstandings and emotional upheaval.

I don't always need to know where things *are* with someone, or where they think things are going to go. But it does help to know what they're open to, and to tell them what I'm open to. Saying "I only want FWB" doesn't mean that's what it's going to be, it just means "don't anticipate a relationship, because there isn't going to be one." Saying, "I'm open to a relationship *if* one develops" means there's a possibility, but not a guarantee.

By the same token, I think the OP's wish to know the *possibilities* of what role she *might* have in the woman's life is reasonable. If all the OP will ever be is a secondary no matter how the relationship progresses, and that isn't what they want, they can back out now instead of building up expectations and hopes that are then demolished.
 
Communication is something that I have advocated to everyone and anyone. My second relationship knew from the beginning that I had a boyfriend and he was my main relationship so I think it is never too early to talk about that stuff. Getting everyone on the same page should be a priority so there is no confusion. I'm not sure she would mind questions at all!
 
My go-to place is that if it's worrying me, I want to talk about it. There is no bad time to talk about rules and boundaries. Words are not self-explanatory even outside of poly. Assuming that "primary" means what you think it means, especially if your assigned meaning worries you, seems to me like a good way to get all bunched up about restrictions that might not exist.

Still, I'd be careful about approaching it. "What does primary mean to you? Could you have more than one?" is probably a lot less threatening to someone in a new relationship than "Do you think we could be primaries some day?"
 
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Wow! This is all great information guys! I really do appreciate it. I think I may bring it up in the next few dates. She definitely seems open to talking about her relationship and any expectations/desires/needs she has etc. I just also need to make sure I know what mine are as well to see if what she's looking for can fit what I want etc.

I just didn't know if coming out with those questions early on was too forward or if it was normal due to the way poly relationships worked and differed from monogamous ones. Though, I suppose monogamous people should also work on being pretty open and up front with these kinds of questions too :)
 
Yeah, I think it is fine to ask these questions early in the game. First couple of dates is fine.
 
I've recently started a whole bunch of new relationships at once. I have a live in gf with whom I have been together 6 years. Pretty much all of the new people have wanted to know about her from the first date, or even previous to it, in chat on ok cupid where I met them.

2 of the guys I am seeing are married with a child, and it just seems natural to discuss families and kids on the first couple of date, including how much time we each have for other relationships. One guy seems like he'd be free to see me once a week, the other has less time since he also has a gf with a child (besides his wife and child), and also travels for work a lot and just isn't around as much as he could be.

I make sure to tell new potential partners that my gf and I allow each other lots of freedom, we have put the green eyed dragon to bed a long time ago, we have lots of compersion... but we are madly in love and spend a lot of time cuddling, dating and loving each other up too!

I prefer to date experienced poly people so I don't run into the jealous gf/wife problem, and major restrictions on how the couple dates, possessiveness, limits on sexual behavior, etc., etc.

All this just seems to come up naturally for me in conversation on early dates and in chat or text. But maybe I've trained myself to make sure to have those talks. I guess I was blindsided before when I was new to poly.

And of course, sometimes you think you know someone, and a year later they turn out not to be the person they sold to you. That sucks. You need to look for yellow flags to prevent that happening after you're well invested.
 
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Good news! I spoke with her last night. Things went really well! I still have questions I want to ask her, but I think that's normal. From what I can tell, she doesn't use the term primary or secondary and at most she only ever has one girlfriend and one boyfriend, and while the boyfriend is a live in partner, she told me that she treats them equally once the relationship with the other woman has been established and discussed.

Like I said, I still have a million questions, but it does feel good to get the ball rolling on opening up about them all. Thank you everyone for your input!
 
That's good, penguin.

I should have added, besides my primary, and the 2 guys I am seeing, I also have a relationship of several months duration with a woman. She is seeing several men, and it's quite easy to talk to her about how much time and energy and space she has for everyone in her life. Besides being lovers, we are also like platonic gfs, just have girl talk about our boys. I have that same dynamic with my primary gf. The men don't really want to know about each other-- they don't ask. I guess it doesn't matter as long as they get to see me somewhat regularly.
 
There is no wrong or right time or way...

A good rule of thumb is that if you're thinking about it, talk about it. The key to any healthy relationship is good communication. Also, a good resource for the primary/secondary/hierarchial question is the website More Than Two. That is a link to the primary/secondary section on that site.

You don't have to be hierarchial. There are bunches of different ways to do it. Also, hierachies mean different things to different people. For instance, for me, a secondary partner is just as important as my primary partner, but simply does not share in life responsibilities with me (bills, living together, family functions/problems,etc). To others, it might be completely different.

So, go with the flow, and bring up anything that is bothering you, when it is bothering you, at the first chance. Good luck!
 
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