Here's what I think. I don't know if it will help you.
I don't think breaking your own agreement "just for fun" was a good idea, and unfortunately this seems to be exactly the kind of situation that agreement was meant to prevent.
You and your partner agreed that dating other parents from your kids' school was a bad idea. You both ignored that agreement and did a double date with some school parents. You fell deeply in love with one of those parents, and then discovered why the agreement existed in the first place.
From what you've written, your partner didn't suddenly create a new limit after you fell in love. You both had already agreed not to date fellow parents from your kids' school, then you both chose to make an exception. When things became serious, your partner asked to return to the agreement you had originally made together. You chose to honor that rather than renegotiate or say "no."
I have now been suffering hard every day for over a year. I still cry every week and find myself with no sex drive or longing to date anyone else. I do still love my OP, but the bitterness has also coloured our relationship.
This is a lot. Ending a relationship you deeply valued is painful, and it makes sense that you're still mourning it. But if you're still crying weekly, have lost your sex drive, and are struggling every day more than a year later, I wonder whether it would help to get additional support from a counselor? This sounds bigger than an ordinary breakup at this point. Maybe this helps you find someone.
www.polyfriendly.org
I also think couples counseling could be valuable, because the bigger issue isn't this specific person, it's what happens in the future. If polyamory is the goal, both of you will eventually develop deep feelings for other people. Before that happens again, you need clarity about what your agreements actually are. You can't keep breaking up with new partners just because your OP struggles seeing you love other people. Polyamory means "many loves."
Do you think the original agreement to avoid dating the parents of your kids' classmates was wrong? Or do you think it was reasonable, but became incredibly painful when you both broke it, because it didn't stay "fun and casual" -- you actually got more involved with your date?
You mention bitterness. What exactly are you bitter about? Are you bitter that your partner asked you to honor an agreement you both made? Are you bitter that you chose to honor it and dropped the person, and wish you had told OP, "No, I won't be honoring that," or similar? Are you bitter that the agreement existed in the first place? Are you bitter that your partner moved on and is dating someone else, while you lost a relationship you loved and aren't dating someone else yet? Are you grieving and trying to find somewhere to put that pain? Something else?
If the main issue is the kids being in the same class, can this limit change once kids
aren't in the same class anymore? Elementary school kids don't always go to the same middle school. Sometimes they go to different ones, depending on zoning.
In counseling, you could revisit this limit with partner. Is it a hard limit, like, "no, never?" Or a soft limit like "not during elementary school"? Is partner worried about small children outing you all as poly at school because they have no filter at that age? Or are you all already out as poly, so this wouldn't be a concern?
I think this experience gives you reasons to revisit and refine your shared agreements. Sometimes they sound good "on paper," but when tested out in "real life," you find they need adjustments.
You honored this one. You don't have to automatically agree to the same arrangement forever. If this level of loss isn't something you're willing to experience again, then that's something you and your partner need to discuss openly now, before either of you falls deeply in love with someone else, because the real issue isn't what happened a year ago. It's whether the two of you have a shared understanding of what happens the next time.
If you plan to continue to date your OP as well as other people, you two need to get on the same page.
Some bumps and growing pains are to be expected as newbies to polyamory. If you create shared agreements/limits for a good reason with your OP, no more breaking them "for fun." It ended up not fun for you. Why create bumps you could skip?
Galagirl
