Welcome.
Hi, I’m looking for some advice/guidelines/rules to opening up my relationship.
For what purpose? Do you actually want an open relationship so you can date other people, and your partner can date other people, or is this a reaction to the recent cheating?
I'm not trying to be mean or rude-- just trying to understand where you are coming from.
I'm going to suggest some things. They may not all apply in your situation. Choose what does and discard what doesn't.
I’m a 43-year old lesbian who has been dating a 33-year old bi woman for five years. She has more than expressed the desire to still sleep with men-- some infidelity has occurred that I recently found out about. I think she hid it because she was scared of hurting me and scared that I would end our relationship.
Gently, I think she hid it because she hid it. IME, people frame it like, "I didn't want to hurt you," but really, it's, "I didn't want to deal with X up front and honestly with you. I didn't want to deal with your response or reaction." There might be more things behind that, but basically it's just that. They didn't want to deal with your response or reaction at the time.
In the end, it's not like you were spared any hurt. You found out about it, and it probably does hurt now. Is that true?
I’m okay with her seeking out male attention, but I don’t want it to feel like she’s cheating.
If this is not a dealbreaker for you, what will change in future so she doesn't cheat on new polyamorous shared agreements? What healing work do you two have to do? Trust got dinged here. How will it be repaired?
What will make her be more a person of her word? It's not the relationship shape that holds up shared agreements; it's the people who hold them up. It's their character that influences that.
I found out she had been with someone else-- she didn’t tell me.
Regarding your mental health/emotional health, how do you feel about that? Is that something you can bounce back from, or is it too deep a betrayal?
Regarding your physical health, did she use safer sex practices or share bare sex with X? Did she share bare sex with you after that? Will you both have to do a round of STI labs?
What is going to change in your shared sex practices moving forward in future? Will you both be asking/telling, "Since the last time we shared sex, has there been anyone new, any changes in your risk profile? Were safer sex practices used? On my side there was..." before every encounter?
I was a part of an open relationship years ago, but as the 3rd, not the primary relationship.
"Open," like ENM for casual sex, or polyamory, like long-term relationships? Was this a V? A triad?
What type of open models or types of non-monogamy would you practice today? Not definitive, but here is a list of some open models:
Questions to consider:
Does what you are up for align with the model or type of non-monogamy she would want? Or do you both want different things, so are not compatible to practice an open or poly relationship together?
What can you practice together and still be compatible?
Do you expect her to dump the affair partner?
Would she still want to keep dating him?
How would you feel about that? Is that a dealbreaker for you?
Would you prefer to break up, and then each of you go on to practice poly with other people, just not with each other anymore?
Or, at this stage of your life, would you prefer monogamy? Are you considering this only to keep dating her?
Do you need individual counseling?
Would you two do couples counseling to heal from the cheating and then prepare to change to polyamory?
In case you need a counselor, this might help you find one:
Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org
I suggest you do some soul-searching. Just because there was a cheating affair doesn't mean you are obligated to change to polyamory. You also aren't obligated to do poly with THIS partner. You could just end things and move on to poly-date on your own, right?
Slow down and really think it out. Maybe this would help you assess:
Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don't know how to work through, or don't even know if you should? We'll talk you through making these choices, including how-to's on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.
www.scarleteen.com
Be careful. Maybe you are in a stage of grief after the affair-- like the bargaining stage, jumping into new things to try to "save the relationship" or something.
It's okay if you two can truly work this out, heal, and get past this. It's also okay to call it a dealbreaker, end things, and work it out that way instead.
I don't think rushing into polyamory is a good idea. Deal with things one thing at a time. First up is dealing with this recent cheating affair, figuring out if this is even still a healthy relationship, and if people are still invested in it, or not so much anymore.
Decide whether it's best to heal from the cheating together or separately. If together, decide if a return to monogamy is in order. Only change to polyamory if you each really have the willingness and ability/skills to do polyamory well. Otherwise it will be like jumping from one mess into another, YKWIM?
Tread with caution, slow things down, and think things over slowly. These are my suggestions.
Galagirl
