A lot to unpack

[cariyc]

Ive been on mtf hormones since 2012 and had an orchiectomy in 2020. I'm not longer a man and don't enjoy sex, as a woman, with my wife, and neither does she. We have stuck it out and love each other dearly. We are the best of friends. We have talked about adding a man. My wife has had men, but all are jealous and don't want me around. They are actually openly rude to me, and my wife is like a pit bull protecting me. We have grandkids and need to stay together for them, or for her sake I'd let her go. Is it possible if we open our net bigger we can find a man who would love us both, or are we dreaming?

 

[Tinwen]

I think you have to search for men who actually has a history of practicing polyamory successfully. They should have a better grip on their jealousy. This board has many success stories.

Also, I'm not clear on what you mean by "don't want me around" and "love us both". It will be way easier to find someone who dates your wife (or you) and is respectful or friendly towards you (or your wife), than to find a triad/someone who wants to gave sex with both you and your wife.

[If a triad is what you are seeking, please google "so someone called you a unicorn hunter" to appreciate why they are rare.]

Mod edit: link to article:

So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

This article is a long, technical discussion of what being a "Unicorn Hunter" means, what's wrong with it, and how people in such a situation can try to avoid the negative stereotypes associated with such behavior and get the things that they are ultimately looking for. It is written in a…

davidlnoble.livejournal.com

 

[cariyc]

I think you have to search for men who actually has a history of practicing polyamory successfully. They should have a better grip on their jealousy. This board has many success stories.

Also, I'm not clear on what you mean by "don't want me around" and "love us both". It will be way easier to find someone who dates your wife (or you) and is respectful or friendly towards you (or your wife), than to find a triad/someone who wants to gave sex with both you and your wife.

[If a triad is what you are seeking, please google "so someone called you a unicorn hunter" to appreciate why they are rare.]

The men she has dated want her exclusively, won't do things with us both, and even when in our home, I am supposed to leave. We are in Fairbanks, Alaska and there are so few people, I don't know if we can find anyone with poly experience.

We would like a man who would date us both. I understand they may not want me sexually, which is fine. I understand that. But I don't want to leave my home or not share my wife's time.

 

[Magdlyn]

The men she has dated want her exclusively, won't do things with us both, and even when in our home, I am supposed to leave.

Well, the hell with that! It's your home. You get to stay, lol. If the guys want your wife one-on-one, they can host at their places, or spring for a hotel room (or a campsite, weather permitting).

We are in Fairbanks, Alaska and there are so few people, I don't know if we can find anyone with poly experience.

Try googling "Fairbanks polyamory" or check out the dating site Feeld, which is poly-friendly. You could also try Fetlife. It's a huge international networking site for kinky people. Polyamory is not a kink, but there are lots of alternative types on Fetlife, including probably hundreds of thousands of polyamorous folks.

We would like a man who would date us both. I understand they may not want me sexually, which is fine. I understand that. But I don't want to leave my home or not share my wife's time.

You don't have to "date" your wife's bfs. That's a big ask. Certainly you and your wife wouldn't want her to date any transphobes, but it would be nice if her dating partners would just respect you, and hopefully, like you as a person. If more than one man has actually told your wife that he wants you to leave your own home completely while he bangs her in YOUR bed or guest bed, well, they are barking up the wrong tree. That's just rude.

It should be your choice to leave and give your wife space, if you WANT to do that.

I am non-binary (AFAB) and my longest-term partner is technically a trans woman, AMAB (although she IDs as female). She and I both seek pansexual partners, and it took a while (years), but eventually we created the relationships of our dreams. I imagine Fairbanks is pretty conservative, as well as isolated with a low population. So you've got your work cut out for you, if you want to keep cohabiting, but still both date others!

Edit: Sorry about having to choose a binary gender when you signed up. Our admins have not responded to our request to increase the gender options, or leave that off altogether.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello cariyc,

You can eventually find a man who will love you both, but it will take time, you have to be very patient. Feeld, OKCupid, and FetLife are a few online resources, also you can search for local poly groups in your area by googling "Alaska polyamory" and/or "Fairbanks polyamory." And you can go to things like indie concerts, Ren faires, sci-fi cons, BDSM munches, or other "fringe events" where you can meet people who are relatively open-minded. Anyway those are some ideas. You may have to do some traveling.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[cariyc]

Well, the hell with that! It's your home. You get to stay, lol. If the guys want your wife one-on-one, they can host at their places, or spring for a hotel room (or a campsite, weather permitting).

Try googling "Fairbanks polyamory" or check out the dating site Feeld, which is poly-friendly. You could also try Fetlife. It's a huge international networking site for kinky people. Polyamory is not a kink, but there are lots of alternative types on Fetlife, including probably hundreds of thousands of polyamorous folks.

You don't have to "date" your wife's bfs. That's a big ask. Certainly you and your wife wouldn't want her to date any transphobes, but it would be nice if her dating partners would just respect you, and hopefully, like you as a person. If more than one man has actually told your wife that he wants you to leave your own home completely while he bangs her in YOUR bed or guest bed, well, they are barking up the wrong tree. That's just rude.

It should be your choice to leave and give your wife space, if you WANT to do that.

I am non-binary (AFAB) and my longest-term partner is technically a trans woman, AMAB (although she IDs as female). She and I both seek pansexual partners, and it took a while (years), but eventually we created the relationships of our dreams. I imagine Fairbanks is pretty conservative, as well as isolated with a low population. So you've got your work cut out for you, if you want to keep cohabiting, but still both date others!

Edit: Sorry about having to choose a binary gender when you signed up. Our admins have not responded to our request to increase the gender options, or leave that off altogether.

Yes, i don't feel welcome here. I simply asked a few questions and feel over moderated. I'll be gone soon. I would like we could go to dinner and like the guy, I dont have to sleep with him. I just don't want to be sneered at by a man I'm sharing my wife with.

 

[lavendarboi]

Definitely sounds like a complicated situation. One thing I always ask myself is, "Do I actually want this, or do I think I should want this?"

Is there a way to compromise with your partner? Have you questioned why you feel it's all one way or nothing? Maybe think about whether it's an option you would want to explore, where you and your partner are still in a loving and enduring relationship, where you don't share sexual intimacy. There are so many more ways to share different kinds of intimacy with loved ones.

It's exceedingly rare to form a triad like what you are describing here. Unfortunately, it sounds like you are at the mercy of your area's dating pool. Patience is key.

Have you and your wife talked about what it looks like to date other folks and how you want your home and space being respected? I, personally, would never stand for my partner bringing someone over that actively disliked my presence in my own home. That doesn't mean things have to end, but it does mean that different living arrangements need to be made, or they need to find a different location to spend time together. That's just me, though!