A new feeling - Insecurity

[RiverGoddess]

Hey there. I am hoping to find some wisdom from all of you lovely poly folks.

My partner & I have been together for nearly 4 years. We've been open for the whole time, but due to a series of life circumstances, we hadn't actually found the right time of life to be sleeping with others, until recently.

I am not feeling insecure about our relationship or commitment to each other or anything like that; but instead, this new shift has made me look at my own self and realize that I have really gotten comfortable in my life, and let myself go a little.

In the past few months, my partner has lost some weight, changed his hair and clothes, and started walking a bit more confidently. I am so happy for him - he is an incredibly sexy man and it makes me happy that he is seeing that. He is also incredibly flirty, and I feel this has amped up in a big way lately... he is pretty much talking up every woman he can, and flashes smiles to every woman he meets. I am jealous, but not in a bad way, just in a... "I wish I could be like that" way.

I am much more reserved, I realize.

Women definitely notice him, and he easily gets 2-3 phone numbers a week just from flirting. He is super open and honest about every single one, every interaction that seemed more than average, etc.

It is important to note that he is not calling or following through with these things, he's just flirting up a storm and getting his ego boosts and enjoying life. I'm not upset with him for it, he is totally sexy and confident and I'm happy for him, but I'm just feeling a little "FOMO" (fear of missing out) and also realizing where I'm at in reflection of my own body and life.

Since we have been together, we have navigated a series of stressful experiences. I had three very close family members die, endured a painful miscarriage, and we spent a year in an extremely dire financial situation. It makes sense now that that is all behind us (more than a year in the rear view mirror, phew!) that he/we would start feeling good and being ready to explore/expand.

I have just noticed that after all of this I am feeling a bit insecure about a few things.

1 - I have put on weight. Like, a lot of weight (60 lbs). I am having trouble embracing my "new" body type. I am having trouble believing that men would find me sexy now. My partner is super reassuring, and loves my body even now, and tells me lots of men love curvy women... etc.. but I'm having trouble believing it and letting it sink in. I also realize how "unsexy" it is for me to be insecure about my body, so I try not to bring it up too much, but I feel it a lot.

2 - My world is super small. I live in a tiny village of like, 200 people and I have a professional job in this community. I go to work, go to the store, have a small group of women friends I see regularly, and otherwise hang out in my art studio. Meeting potential lovers seems highly unlikely. He, on the other hand, sees about 1000 people per day at his (out of town) job, hence all the flirting. I do feel confined to a fishbowl in my current situation, and it isn't likely to change any time soon.

3 - I'm super picky. I realized that I was judging him for enjoying casual sex and flirting indiscriminately, which helped me realize that it is because I am super picky about the men I date/sleep with. So, if I DID meet that mythical man who was into heavy-set, small town poly women, there would be a high chance I wouldn't even be into him. Hahaha... SIGH. (lol)


So anyways, long story short - I need to get over my insecurities. I would love to lose a few pounds, get some new clothes, strut my stuff and flirt like crazy the way my partner is. But that just doesn't feel realistic, and even if I work towards that, it doesn't help how I feel in the short term. I need to figure out how to accept myself the way I am - a bit chubby, introverted, and picky. LOL


Phew. Any advice or helpful anecdotes would be wonderful. Thanks

 

[Magdlyn]

Your husband is correct. Many many men love women who are full figured, curvy, voluptuous! I have been on OK Cupid for 7 years and also on another site, like Facebook for kinky people, called Fetlife. Lovers of BBWs are all over these sites. Our mainstream media makes us think only thin gals get attention and sex. This is just not true!

I am full figured and have had no shortage of men want to date me. I am bisexual and I have been in a LTR with my female partner for 7 years (met her on OKC) and she loves my body too.

I've dated tall thin men, muscular men, tiny men, average men, handsome men, bigger men, men older and younger than me. It doesn't matter what they look like or how fit they are, they just love a full figured woman, or they love all body types and weight doesn't matter.

It is important to be as fit as you can be at any weight though, so you can do all the acrobatic sex you will be getting!

I dress well, in styles that flatter my figure, and keep my hair in a nice style. I present myself with confidence, no matter my weight. Many of us, men and women, put on some weight after the age of 35. It's a fact of life. We can still look good!

I recommend joining OK Cupid so you can meet people like your husband is. If he is seeing 1000s of people a week, there must be some bigger towns or cities closeby?

 

[MrFarFromRight]

Hi, RiverGoddess!

Your problem (as your husband and Magdlyn have pointed out) is not your weight/size. It's how you feel about yourself. Did your weight-gain come about through "compensation eating". This can turn into a vicious cycle dissastisfaction -> overeating -> dissatisfaction -> ... The best way to break this cycle is not to go on a diet (if you break it, you're going to feel like a failure -> dissatisfaction -> overeating -> dissatisfaction -> ...), but to find ways to feel more positive about yourself.

Remind yourself that you are an artist. That you do a good job that is appreciated (if only by the relatively small population of your village). That you are sexy. That an attractive, sexy man who has insider information tells you so. That you are a goddess. ("Surely not THE Goddess?! George, come over here, looka this!" []) That you have friends (and family?) who not only appreciate you, but LOVE you.

I read in another post that you live near a beautiful river (hence your user name). It's summer. Spend a lot of time IN that river. Feel yourself a part of Nature... and of Beauty. Imagine the river washing away your self-doubts and fears. (Somebody else downstream might need them more than you do.)

Love yourself. You won't be alone.

 

[MrFarFromRight]

I'm super picky. I realized that I was judging him for enjoying casual sex and flirting indiscriminately, which helped me realize that it is because I am super picky about the men I date/sleep with.

Differents strokes for different folks. Personally, I would rather be picky than go for casual sex. That's not a criticism of those otherwise inclined. Just stating my preferences.

I would love to lose a few pounds, get some new clothes, strut my stuff and flirt like crazy the way my partner is. But that just doesn't feel realistic

Whyever not??? I mean, I can understand the (short-term) limits on the weight loss and even on the strutting and flirting. But your husband's been buying new clothes. Why can't you? Get a lift into town (a bigger town) sometime (or drive yourself on a day off) and TREAT yourself. Better still, if your artistic talents include sewing and textiles: create something flamboyant and unique. Go to town in that sense! And become the talk of the village. You might not have to initiate the flirting. People might flirt with you. Take that at whatever pace you want.

I need to get over my insecurities. [...] I need to figure out how to accept myself the way I am

Nail on the head.

Any advice or helpful anecdotes would be wonderful.

All this come to you from a former world-class contender in Insecurity and Lack of Confidence.

Phew. [...] Thanks

Don't mention it.

 

[Nadya]

My initial thought was: why do you need to lose weight before buying new clothes? Apparently others thought the same Go buy some new, sexy clothes NOW, not THEN. Maybe get a new, different haircut, too... or have your nails done and learn a new way to put on make-up or whatnot. Then look at yourself in the mirror and feel sexy!

As Magdlyn stated, a lot of men do like curvy women. Meeting some of those for some delicious sex might be exactly what you need to get your confidence back. Your husband is right. You are a beautiful and desirable person!

And, if you are introverted and not that flirtatious, online dating could be something for you. I also recommend joining OkCupid and look for poly (or poly-friendly) men in nearby cities. Living in rural area, too, I know that dating can be challenging, but it ain't impossible. The matching system in okc might help the "being picky" part - you get to know a fair amount of info about people even before an initial contact.

 

[Spork]

I've come to the conclusion that everyone has, or has had, body image issues.

EVERYONE.

And that it's part of a cultural thing of women feeling we need to be attractive, which we're not, no matter WHAT we look like, in order to be loved. Huge segments of the economies of the Western world depend on women feeling wretchedly insecure about our looks. Think about it. Ask yourself, how many products and services is the world trying to sell to me and you, on the basis that they'll help us to be prettier?

And meanwhile, men have tastes that are pretty much all over the map. I think that the equalizing factors in dating, just as a very general broad strokes concept, are that women score men on a whole bunch of factors that we weight differently as individuals... And men might be more interested in "looks" as a factor that is considered important, but their opinions on the definition of "beautiful" vary greatly.

So everybody's got a chance! Yay!!

I am 5'3", 125 lbs. I'm...petite-ish. My backside is slightly flat, as opposed to the gloriously rounded bottoms I see on other women, and after having kids and breastfeeding them, my beautiful 18-year-old C-cups turned into pathetic A-cups. I have bunions, a visible lipoma on my back on one rib (a fatty tumor, how SEXY!) and a small tumor on my nose. I wage perpetual war on unwanted body and face hairs. In my own eyes, I am GLARINGLY imperfect. I'm not heavy, but believe you me, I count every single flaw. It's all I can do, to avoid pointing them out to people just to prove that I'm aware of my imperfections, and so to demonstrate that they have no power over me, and no one gets to make fun of them and "get to me" over it. HA! You cannot judge me more than I judge myself!!!

I got into the kink community, and had a few initial rejections and flake-outs from a couple of sexy older gentlemen I wanted to pursue. Saw the ladies they ended up with, and decided that since I am not womanish enough in my shape (not enough curves) I am just not attractive, particularly to the kind of men I wanted for the kind of relationships I was interested in. I might as well just give up and date anyone who will have me.

Well, since then, all of that balderdash has been swept aside, because I did find what I needed, and I've since had plenty of people express their appreciation of my body. Some men will find me beautiful. Some will not.

And then I began to have involvement with Fire, the lady in my poly group, and she is SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL...she's pretty much the walking image of what I wish I looked like. Even my boyfriend was clearly expressing to me how much more sexy and beautiful he finds her to be. She is stunning. I am "cute." And guess what? She's got body image issues, TOO. In fact...possibly more-so than I do. What the hell??

So forget about standards of "beauty." They are bullshit, they don't exist. They are a marketing tactic to sell you stupid products you don't need. Some people are going to think you're beautiful, and some aren't. And what you actually look like, has pretty much nothing to do with that. The only thing that matters, is that you can look in the mirror and love the human looking back at you.

And I think you have every right to be picky, but being introverted and geographically isolated are things you should work on, if you can. I agree with others, that OK Cupid might be a good option to try. I've used it...with mixed results. If nothing else, it was entertaining.

 

[MrFarFromRight]

Just wanted to say how much I liked Spork's whole comment! Well, now i'm here, I'll throw in another 2 beans.

Huge segments of the economies of the Western world depend on women feeling wretchedly insecure about our looks. Think about it. Ask yourself, how many products and services is the world trying to sell to me and you, on the basis that they'll help us to be prettier?
[...]
So forget about standards of "beauty." They are bullshit, they don't exist. They are a marketing tactic to sell you stupid products you don't need.

In her book "The Beauty Myth", Naomi Wolf (here's a link to some snippets) points out that the cosmetics industry is a huge earner, and that the pornography industry makes more money than the music and the [non-porno] movie industries combined. Both cosmetic ads and porno tend to hold up some ideal of physical beauty / prowess / staying power &&& that DAMNED few mortals could match. Hell, even the models in those ads aren't as "perfect" as they show, after all the airbrushing and digital modifications. Both industries are designed to make YOU feel inferior... like everyone else on this planet.

p.s. For some men - myself included - makeup is actually a turn-off. I'm not alone in loving hairy legs (and armpits) on women, and had no problem with one girlfriend's [dark] moustache. She and another (blonde) friend had pretty heavy growth on their upper lips and refused to kowtow to society's norm of what is "feminine". Full marks!

And then I began to have involvement with Fire, the lady in my poly group, and she is SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL...she's pretty much the walking image of what I wish I looked like. Even my boyfriend was clearly expressing to me how much more sexy and beautiful he finds her to be. She is stunning. I am "cute." And guess what? She's got body image issues, TOO. In fact...possibly more-so than I do. What the hell??

Another girlfriend told me that a friend of ours had been sharing with her how insecure she was about her looks.
"What!", I cried. "She better not say anything like that in my presence or I'll tell her the truth. That she's one of the most beautiful women I've ever known. That I have trouble breathing when I'm around her!" She never did, so I never did. (It might have helped her self-confidence, but more likely it would have made her uncomfortable. And it had nothing to do with why we were friends.) I don't believe in judging people by their appearance. (Even if that seems a contradiction to my troubled breathing.)

If you want to lose weight (be more able to run, not tire as easily), go ahead. Do it for yourself. Do it if it makes you feel good. Don't do it to conform to anybody else' yardstick of "beauty".

 

[Halcyeus]

Edit: I'm sorry if some of the things I wrote in this post seem almost patronizingly obvious. If they do, its because I'm someone who often misses the obvious in lieu of my own neurotic ideas. In short, the way I wrote this post is how I try to talk to myself. :}

Yep. Remembering yourself a certain way and liking how you were makes it hard to embrace your "new" body type. Do try to embrace it as best you can anyway. You can literally tell your body you love it and that you're on its side. Self-compassion - its important stuff. If you catch yourself being critical, also watch how that makes you feel. Is that inner critic trying to be supportive & helpful? Is it motivating you in a good way? If not, the critic is a problem.

Diets do fail, unless you can face the time & energy it takes to do calorie counting carefully every day for months and months, then continuing to do so after you've reached a weight you're happy with in order not to put the weight back on (the hardest part!) Its a big effort to make and it won't necessarily make you happier. If it does, the happiness usually comes from the feeling of making progress rather than concentrating on the end goal. I'm doing this myself right now incidentally and it does work, it just requires a lot of discipline, which itself requires a ready supply of energy, stability and motivation.

What being thinner does is improve how people initially react, which is a nice ego boost like you say. Flirting is great. However, the high it gives is very transient and if you're not meeting lots of new people all the time (because of living in a small place) then you won't sense much difference anyway. What would make a significant difference to self esteem and happiness is making one or two very strong new connections to lovers and friends. If you're feeling insecure, try aiming for that first of all.

I have no idea how you might address being super picky. Not a clue, but I wish I did have some advice about that. I'm super not-picky and it does seem to make things more fun. When I compare myself to my brother and my partner, who are both very particular when it comes to who they find attractive or will sleep with, I feel like they're missing out big time.

And yes, many men do love curvier figures. I do. There are several body types and physical characteristics I'm more attracted to than others. However, if someone with a curvier figure flirts with me I'm such a push over its positively embarrassing.

 

[RiverGoddess]

Thanks all. I woke up feeling a bit better today, a little less sorry for myself.

I do feel like it's time to get some exercise and lose a few pounds. I know it won't happen overnight, but I may as well start chipping away at it.

Other than my weight I do feel pretty good about myself - I know I have a pretty face, and that I have a lot to offer anyone who is in my life.

I appreciate all of your suggestions. I've never been one for make-up, hair-do's, nails, etc... I am more of an au natural kind of gal. To get ready to go out I wash my face, put a little coconut oil on my skin, and tie my hair into a braid/off to the side. I have no interest in dying my hair or getting my nails done or anything like that. If I want to feel pretty I will clean myself up and put on beautiful pendants, rings, bangles etc - adorn my body with crystals and stones and silver - things like that.

I could definitely go for some new clothes, though. Maybe I will work on that this week.

I tried online dating a few years ago, and after several dates, swore off of it for good. I do so much better when I meet someone naturally. I realize that by NOT online dating, I am making things more difficult for myself, but I also find myself so much more at ease when the meeting is not contrived.

I think this is all just a bit of a reaction to hubby's new demeanor - he has undergone this sudden transformation and is exuding all kinds of sexiness and flirtatiousness and confidence. Again, I am super happy for him, and a lil' bit jealous. Instead of having a pity party or feeling left behind, I need to focus on cultivating the same for myself.

 

[RiverGoddess]

Yep. Remembering yourself a certain way and liking how you were makes it hard to embrace your "new" body type. Do try to embrace it as best you can anyway. You can literally tell your body you love it and that you're on its side. Self-compassion - its important stuff. If you catch yourself being critical, also watch how that makes you feel. Is that inner critic trying to be supportive & helpful? Is it motivating you in a good way? If not, the critic is a problem.

Thanks for this. It's true that I am comparing myself to... my self. I felt so sexy in my body four years ago! I am trying to find that self love again and thanks for the reminder re: my own worst critic.

What would make a significant difference to self esteem and happiness is making one or two very strong new connections to lovers and friends. If you're feeling insecure, try aiming for that first of all.

I'm super not-picky and it does seem to make things more fun. When I compare myself to my brother and my partner, who are both very particular when it comes to who they find attractive or will sleep with, I feel like they're missing out big time.

This is what my partner has been saying to me! He feels like my super high-standards are getting in the way of my fun. He says I should relax and "practice" dating men again even if I'm not SUPER into them. Flirt, go on dates, maybe even relax enough to kiss/touch/etc, if I want to. But he goes out and has a fabulously fun time because he both dishes it and takes it from wherever he can get it.

I will work on it. I will try to be more open and receptive to flirting. Maybe men don't flirt with me because I seem closed... will work on that this week as well!

And yes, many men do love curvier figures. I do. There are several body types and physical characteristics I'm more attracted to than others. However, if someone with a curvier figure flirts with me I'm such a push over its positively embarrassing.

Thank you for this

 

[Spork]

Regarding being "picky."

I don't know what your criteria are, but I can say this.

Theoretical "hot guy" when I first signed up for OKC after leaving my ex:

About my age, long hair, tattoos and/or piercings. Smart, preferably a musician. Casual sex/FWB/FB ok.

I wanted to bang somebody like this guy:
https://41.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_me1heiyGBp1rwfnwio1_500.jpg

Actual "hot guy" now:

10-20 years older than me (age 40's-60ish)...some silver in the hair/beard/body hair is sexy. Sadistic and nerdy, but kind and empathic, and for heaven's sakes, SMART. NO interest in casual/NSA sex at this point. I want love to be on the menu. Willing to chill at home with me or go to the BDSM club, capable in social situations.

Today, I'd be a lot likelier, to chase this guy:
https://s3.amazonaws.com/broadtime_photo/418456723783

maybe this one...
https://i.ytimg.com/vi/PQ6T9aiQmQU/maxresdefault.jpg
or this one...
https://pmcdeadline2.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/craig_ferguson__120928183323-1__131203211247.jpg

So what changed my ideas of what's SEXY in a man...in under a year? Experience dating. I was put off by the nervous mannerisms and overeager come-ons of the younger men, the life stages (instability, small kids, mid-divorce, or worse married-and-CHEATING) of men my age...and I have found that these older guys can be a lot of fun in the sack (compatible to MY preferences.) Not saying I got less picky necessarily, but my target demographic changed completely.

Point is, you never know what might happen...until you try. And the results might surprise you.

 

[kdt26417]

Ahhh ... the good old days, back when I weighed 190. Of course, back then, I thought I was way too fat. Now I weigh 245, so I guess I have some perspective.

I think one's metabolism changes as one gets older. You have to give yourself some credit. I find that I am the most interested in a pretty face these days. Which you can have without your whole body being a beanpole.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

As another super picky person...

If you WANT to go out and flirt and meet new people, go for it! I think the confidence comes as you put yourself out there.

But if you are happier just spending time with your friends and partner - or alone! - that's ok too. I had a lot of "fear of missing out" about flirting and dating, but now that I'm dipping my toes back in the water... Eh, I'm fine missing out on it! It's rare for me to feel attraction to people, and trying to meet new guys can feel like a huge waste of time. So I'm not going to push myself to flirt/date/hook up/etc just because my boyfriend wants to get out and date.

Just something I thought about, since this is coming up for you in response to your partner putting himself out there more. Do what makes YOU happy, whether that's going out with new people or something else entirely.

 

[Magdlyn]

As far as makeup, hair, and nails. I didn't mean to imply I spend hours doing makeup and hair, etc.

I have naturally wavy hair and I've found a medium short layered haircut that I can wash and go. I started getting silver hairs at 22, and in my 40s I stopped coloring it, and now it's almost completely silver and I got tons of compliments on it. I admit I really like my hair.

I get pedicures these days, not to impress anyone but myself. (Now, my gf is a girly girl and it's her doing... she talked me into it.) The pedis include lovely foot and leg massages, and you sit in a massage chair with your feet in bubbling warm water. It's wonderfully relaxing. I end up with soft callous free feet and whatever color of nails my mood dictates. It's fun for me... I don't know if anyone but foot fetishists notice, one way or another, how good my feet look. I don't do manicures, they seem like a waste of time and money to me.

I've mostly been an au naturel girl all my life too, as far as makeup, but sometimes I get the craving to look like an Old Hollywood movie star or pinup, and I do retro hair and makeup for a special occasion. Not to lure anyone, just for me. I am a vintage lover and collector and it just sort of goes with that interest. The only exception is, in recent months I've decided to pencil in my brows with a natural brownish color most days, since my brows have gone so white, and I think it gives more expression to my face to have them defined.

I'm sorry you are resistant to online dating. I found it to be a huge ego boost when I joined when I was first single and began fully practicing poly back in '09. But you're in such a small town, and not even openly poly? I don't see how you will meet dating prospects. However, if you are putting out "stay away" vibes in your daily life, and mean to change that, maybe that will help.

 

[RiverGoddess]

I'm sorry you are resistant to online dating. I found it to be a huge ego boost when I joined when I was first single and began fully practicing poly back in '09. But you're in such a small town, and not even openly poly? I don't see how you will meet dating prospects. However, if you are putting out "stay away" vibes in your daily life, and mean to change that, maybe that will help.

I am resistant to online dating, but will likely end up going that route. Seems like it might be the only way, being where I live.

We are openly poly, as in, we don't hide it but we don't flaunt it either. I would have no problem dating someone in my small town or having my partner do so either. I don't talk about polyamory outright with my co-workers or anything. If someone asked me or seemed confused, I would happily share/explain. Most people aren't bold enough to ask.

For a time I had a big crush on my acupuncturist and talked about it with a co-worker quite a lot. When she checked in about hubbys feelings, I said "oh geez he totally knows and is not at all jealous. Heck, he encourages me to go out and meet people and thinks it's fun when I get crushes. We are free to do as we please."

She happily accepted that and didn't need more details or further explanation.

 

[RiverGoddess]

I have made much progress since posting this!

~ I went and purchased a gym pass (now to GO USE IT! LOL)

~ I chatted up the cute-ish store clerk by my house (not an actual love interest for me, but it was good practice). He blushed a lot, it was cute.

~ I went out to the local jam night by myself (and enjoyed it!) Chatted to a few people and tried to get re-acquainted with accepting smiles & eye contact from strangers.

~ I am going to a local festival/dance party this weekend with a group of my favourite girlfriends. I hope to chat up and dance with men - shake the dust off and feel good

~ I am going shopping for a new dress this evening


I realize that I do think I'm really interesting, and the low self-esteem piece is entirely physical. I'm not worried that someone wouldn't like me once they talk to me... it's the getting them to talk to me part that I am working on

 

[RiverGoddess]

Regarding being "picky."

I don't know what your criteria are, but I can say this.

Theoretical "hot guy" when I first signed up for OKC after leaving my ex:

About my age, long hair, tattoos and/or piercings. Smart, preferably a musician. Casual sex/FWB/FB ok.

I wanted to bang somebody like this guy:
https://41.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_me1heiyGBp1rwfnwio1_500.jpg

Actual "hot guy" now:

10-20 years older than me (age 40's-60ish)...some silver in the hair/beard/body hair is sexy. Sadistic and nerdy, but kind and empathic, and for heaven's sakes, SMART. NO interest in casual/NSA sex at this point. I want love to be on the menu. Willing to chill at home with me or go to the BDSM club, capable in social situations.

Today, I'd be a lot likelier, to chase this guy:
https://s3.amazonaws.com/broadtime_photo/418456723783

I really enjoyed your post. I actually laughed out loud because it is so true.

I do tend towards tall, burly, bearded men. I dig long hair and tattoos. The last three men I have dated were tall, long haired, bearded, viking-types. I definitely do have a type/style that attracts me, but you are totally right - I need to broaden my horizons! Especially in the already VERY limited dating pool I'm in.

I am more interested in sticking to an age range than to a body type or style. I like all kinds of men, but definitely have a strong preference to men in their 30s and 40s. There is something about dating too much older or too much younger than myself that doesn't feel quite right for me. Maybe I just haven't met the right guy (I would not say no solely on age).

Thanks for the reminder to stay open and not limit myself based on a preconceived idea of who/what I like.

 

[Spork]

I really enjoyed your post. I actually laughed out loud because it is so true.

I do tend towards tall, burly, bearded men. I dig long hair and tattoos. The last three men I have dated were tall, long haired, bearded, viking-types. I definitely do have a type/style that attracts me, but you are totally right - I need to broaden my horizons! Especially in the already VERY limited dating pool I'm in.

I am more interested in sticking to an age range than to a body type or style. I like all kinds of men, but definitely have a strong preference to men in their 30s and 40s. There is something about dating too much older or too much younger than myself that doesn't feel quite right for me. Maybe I just haven't met the right guy (I would not say no solely on age).

Thanks for the reminder to stay open and not limit myself based on a preconceived idea of who/what I like.

Stay open, but follow your gut, you know?

I'd say the ones where some part of you just sort of shrinks away inside and shudders if you think about being with them intimately...yeah, ditch those ones. No need to give them a chance. (And I have had men who fit the criteria I thought I was looking for, and I liked their personalities, and just...something about 'em, I couldn't put my finger on it, my soul said, "no." I didn't always listen, and if I contradicted what my inner voice was telling me, I ALWAYS regretted it.)

The ones you meet where you're all "heck yes!" need no explanation. You'll know when the light is green.

It's the ones in between, the ones where you're like...well...he's not really my type, but he doesn't put me off exactly...I'm not sure what I think...???

Those are where I struck gold, and found surprising greatness. The ones that didn't impress me that much instantly, but didn't repel me either.