A new relationship.

A

AndyRM

New member
I am new at this, so I apologise if I don't explain myself well. But I found this forum and I think it will help me because I don't have any other polyam friends, other than my boyfriend, and this seems a really supportive place.

So here goes...

I'm a sexually fluid man, married. He's a trans man, also sexually fluid and married. We met at work and things escalated quickly when we were honest about how we felt about each other.

We've both recently told our wives. Me 6 days ago and him today. None of us knew or expected this to happen, and it's not because we want to end our marriages.

I'm struggling to convey this properly coherently to my wife. Like, I have done it as best I can but that doesn't seem to be working. I fully appreciate that this is a new thing and will feel like a betrayal, but any ideas or advice would be appreciated.
 
Hi Andy,

Your wife is struggling with the idea of you being interested in someone else; she is probably feeling like she is "not enough," and wondering what she's done wrong. It will probably take a good bit of time for her to adjust to this, she will need you to be patient. These things often take at least a year. Keep talking to her from time to time, maybe every couple of weeks or so, more often if she feels the need to talk more often. Right now she is (probably) the struggling mono in this relationship. She will need you to express extra affection to her, let her know how important she is to you, and that you are not going anywhere. Gradually, she will see that she can trust you in this. Right now she is just reeling as her world has been turned upside down. She will need you to show her lots of empathy.

Continue to share here about your situation, as more info may help us give more accurate advice, and keep us posted as your situation evolves, as that may help us offer additional advice that is up-to-date. The most important thing to know for now is that communication is very important. I hope the four of you can work things out and be happy together.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you Kevin. All of what you say makes sense. This is raw and new for all of us.

I will keep this thread updated and I hope to be able to share positive things as time goes by.
 
I'm a sexually fluid man, married. He's a trans man, also sexually fluid and married. We met at work and things escalated quickly when we were honest about how we felt about each other.
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What does "escalated" mean? You both admitted that you have crushes on each other? Kissing? Sex? Something else?

That might matter to your wife. Because she might overlook putting cart before horse and telling your co-worker you like him. Like you got carried away by the unexpected feelings. But you stopped to check in before more than talk happened.

Where if "escalated" means you cheated on marriage agreements and shared sex with him -- that might be a whole other level to her that she cannot overlook.

I don't know if any of this could help.

https://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

We've both recently told our wives. Me 6 days ago and him today. None of us knew or expected this to happen, and it's not because we want to end our marriages.
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What would you like from wife/your marriage? What would you like to have happen? You haven't actually said in your post.

I'm struggling to convey this properly coherently to my wife. Like, I have done it as best I can but that doesn't seem to be working. I fully appreciate that this is a new thing and will feel like a betrayal, but any ideas or advice would be appreciated.
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If you are telling her you were blindsided by this guy entering your life and now want to open the marriage and try polyamory?

Without apologizing for putting cart before horse in taking up with the new guy before even actually talking to her about opening the marriage first? That's really rough on wife.

She might be really angry that you would put her though this like THIS. And even though it is YOU who behaved like this, she might take it out on the coworker because it's often easier to blame the "outsider" for "making my spouse crazy" than to look at spouse and go "Do I even KNOW you? How can you do this while saying you love me?"

She might be plunged into poly hell without having the words to name the feelings.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

To wife? This might be a marriage vow deal breaker. Because she signed up to be married to you under these vows and this kind of relationship. And you broke any vows if you promised to forsake others and you aren't forsaking.

All you can do is apologize for how this came about. Say you are sorry, that you'd like to do better moving forward. And ask her if she's willing to change the marriage agreements to adapt to this situation or if she doesn't want to be married like that. Then respect her wishes.

If you are asking her to consider changing to this other kind of relationship? You have to accept that that you can ASK. But she speaks for her own self and she might not want to consider or considers and decides NO. So if she prefers to bow out, you have to be ok with that and work toward as peaceful a split as possible.

If it means breaking up with wife in order to be able to see this man? It may have to come to that. You cannot MAKE wife participate in poly if she just doesn't want to be doing it.

Or if it means letting this man go in order to work on healing the marriage? You may have to do that. (Assuming wife is willing to work on healing the marriage... Can't make her work on the marriage if she's done and wants out. )

It might even turn out that wife is willing to poly... but the price of admission is NOT with coworker in the network because of damaged trust.

Or is willing to poly... with other people. And doesn't want anything to do with you because of how it came about.

Who knows how it will ultimately turn out?

I suggest you keep on speaking your truth and be up front and honest with all parties as this sorts out one way or the other.

Galagirl
 
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I wouldn't assume you are not explaining it to your wife coherently. Just because she is not on board with it doesn't mean she doesn't understand what is going on. You can't really expect to come home one day and tell her you've got a boyfriend, but hey, there's this thing called polyamory and that is what you are now and have her just accept it. She may never accept it.
 
vinsanity0 said:
You can't really expect to come home one day and tell her you've got a boyfriend, but hey, there's this thing called polyamory and that is what you are now and have her just accept it. She may never accept it.
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I'm with Vin on this one. You're asking your wife to roll with an awful lot here. Is she already cool with trans people? Is she already cool with your bisexuality? Is she already cool with the idea of a sexually open relationship? All of these require a significant mind shift for a lot of people, all of which you're asking her to be comfortable with before you even add on poly. As I see it, her comfort with all of these components comes before asking her to open to polyamory. Poly is a mind bender for most people and an enormous change in what most people believe their heart is capable of. Understandably, most don't want to get anywhere near poly because they are either too scared or it's just not their jam. How much of this is she already totally fine with?
 
OP, this site IS a very supportive place, but also critical when needed. It sounds like you smacked your wife in her face with this possible (you haven't made it quite clear) affair, and you think that, if you just said the somehow "right" words, she will be totally on board!

Doesn't work that way. As GG, Vin, and Angelina have stated, your wife may NEVER accept this. Be prepared to gracefully let her go if the only option is to cause her more pain.
 
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Thank you, all, for the responses.

To address a few. She is fine with my sexuality, and trans folk. I know this is a massive punch in the face which I feel awful about. And I know there isn't a quick or easy solution.

Me and my boyfriend have told each other we love each other, and sex has happened. We've also talked about our priorities and how we want this to go but accept that we can't govern our wives' emotions or reactions.

I know we've gone about this entirely the wrong way. But we do accept the consequences of our actions, it's just impossible to know what those are right now.
 
Thank you for more info.

Acknowledging that you jumped the gun and had a cheating affair and apologizing to your wife is a good start.

Then tell her what you would like and ask if she could be up for that change or not. But really think it out first... what WOULD you like here?

Do you really want to poly? Like if both wives divorce each of you.... would you still want to practice polyamory with your new BF? Because you just love poly so much?

Or are you hoping for polyamory to be the "solution" to the cheating start so you can keep wife and BF around? Or something else?

Becoming clear on how you actually feel about polyamory could help guide next steps.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
Thank you for more info.

Acknowledging that you jumped the gun and had a cheating affair and apologizing to your wife is a good start.

Then tell her what you would like and ask if she could be up for that change or not. But really think it out first... what WOULD you like here?

Do you really want to poly? Like if both wives divorce each of you.... would you still want to practice polyamory with your new BF? Because you just love poly so much?

Or are you hoping for polyamory to be the "solution" to the cheating start so you can keep wife and BF around? Or something else?

Becoming clear on how you actually feel about polyamory could help guide next steps.

Galagirl
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So, in an ideal world I remain married and so does my boyfriend. But I get that this may not happen and I'll have to cross that bridge when I get to it.

I am not looking for polyamory as a solution. Or an excuse and I apologise if it comes across that way. I am not trying to take this idea/lifestyle lightly, and am only learning about what's appropriate having gone in all guns blazing without thinking properly first.
 
Not taking it like you were.

Just trying to understand where you are coming from and where you hope to be at.

So, in an ideal world I remain married and so does my boyfriend.
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Why would that be ideal to you?

Would that be ideal to all parties or be a hindrance in some fashion? Like if you and BF ever want to legally marry -- then what?

What if another game changer moment arrives? Like having children? Changing jobs? Where people will live?

I guess what I'm trying to say is... don't fall into only looking at the "for now" solutions and making changes to "preserve" what's here. Like stuck at the tree level view.

Rather than stepping back to assess the forest level also. What do you want to be doing with your life overall?

Galagirl
 
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Hi Andy,

The fact that you have had sex with your boyfriend does make a difference, compared to, say, if you had only told him you were in love with him. As it stands, your wife (wives) has a full-blown affair to cope with, and requested polyamory on top of that. What I mean is, she will need you to be extra empathetic towards her, and it will probably take her an extra long time to accept this (or she may not ever accept it at all, as the others have said). While she is trying to process all of this, it would probably help a lot if you could refrain from having more sex with your boyfriend. Otherwise she would be dealing with a third thing on her plate, making it that much harder for her to accept this. I understand that I am asking you to do something very difficult.

I sympathize with all four adults in this situation.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
GalaGirl said:
Not taking it like you were.

Just trying to understand where you are coming from and where you hope to be at.



Why would that be ideal to you?

Would that be ideal to all parties or be a hindrance in some fashion? Like if you and BF ever want to legally marry -- then what?

What if another game changer moment arrives? Like having children? Changing jobs? Where people will live?

I guess what I'm trying to say is... don't fall into only looking at the "for now" solutions and making changes to "preserve" what's here. Like stuck at the tree level view.

Rather than stepping back to assess the forest level also. What do you want to be doing with your life overall?

Galagirl
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I suppose where I'm currently is inherently selfish. In that I hope for a sort of stability to continue having just thrown this at everyone. Including my parents today, which was a riot.

As for game changers, we have a young daughter and he's just changed jobs (which is a good thing because a degree of separation will help us all work through this).

I really like your forest/trees analogy. It helps, and has given me a good way of thinking further, thank you.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Andy,

The fact that you have had sex with your boyfriend does make a difference, compared to, say, if you had only told him you were in love with him. As it stands, your wife (wives) has a full-blown affair to cope with, and requested polyamory on top of that. What I mean is, she will need you to be extra empathetic towards her, and it will probably take her an extra long time to accept this (or she may not ever accept it at all, as the others have said). While she is trying to process all of this, it would probably help a lot if you could refrain from having more sex with your boyfriend. Otherwise she would be dealing with a third thing on her plate, making it that much harder for her to accept this. I understand that I am asking you to do something very difficult.

I sympathize with all four adults in this situation.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Your sympathy is appreciated.

And also the advice, which is absolutely spot on.
 
I'm glad if I could help. Sorry you're dealing with a lot of chaos right now, hopefully eventually you will have that stability that you are hoping for. And I assume you are also hoping for poly, like an N configuration, where the diagonal line represents your relationship with your boyfriend. Hang in there and keep the lines of communication open as much as possible.
 
kdt26417 said:
I'm glad if I could help. Sorry you're dealing with a lot of chaos right now, hopefully eventually you will have that stability that you are hoping for. And I assume you are also hoping for poly, like an N configuration, where the diagonal line represents your relationship with your boyfriend. Hang in there and keep the lines of communication open as much as possible.
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I think that would probably be the ideal outcome. But I'm fully open to my wife exploring other relationships too. We'll see I suppose.
 
That's good, that's only fair to your wife. Of course, she may not want poly for herself, even if she agrees to poly for you. Like you said, you'll have to see.

Also there's the possibility that your wife may be hardwired for exclusive monogamy. She may not want poly for herself, and she may not want poly for you either. If that is the case, and she is unchangeable on that point, then you have two choices ... either break up with your boyfriend and proceed to live monogamously with your wife from then on, or, acknowledge that you and she are funamentally incompatible, and try to divorce amicably. Hopefully it won't come to that, but it's one possibility.
 
To me, the big issue would be communication. Why didn't you tell your wife sooner about what was going on? Were you dishonest to her at any point?

I suspect that counselling might help you and your wife sort out feelings about what happened. I think it's totally unrealistic to expect that you just had an affair and now you basically want your wife to sanction that and just accept it.

What is in this for her, especially if she doesn't want to explore any new relationships? She's suffered a terrific loss here. I'm seeing much more of a push for you getting what you want as opposed to giving her wants and needs any consideration.
 
Andy, it's weird to me that int his thread, you've hardly mentioned your wife at all. You keep talking about your boyfriend...I have learned a lot about him in this thread...but I have learned nothing about your wife. Who is she, as a person? What is she feeling in all of this?

Like, you say you're married, you want to keep your marriage, but you hardly describe your wife as a persona at all. What is her perspective on this? Sounds like you are really rushing things and only focusing on yourself and your magical new boyfriend.

You say you have a young daughter...is your wife doing most of the childcare while your energies are caught up in your boyfriend?

What about your boyfriend's wife? Who is she, what is she feeling?
 
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