Seeking perspective after an abrupt ending in a long-term open marriage.
I was involved with a married couple who have been in an open marriage for about 15 years and have kids. Throughout their marriage, his wife has been allowed to sleep with other men, often encouraged by her husband. He has been clear that he does not experience jealousy around her partners.
Historically, he has only had a few connections with other women, and those agreements were “out of sight, out of mind.” Those relationships were more superficial and not integrated into their shared life.
This time was different.
His wife and I connected first — warm, flirty, playful. I was very respectful of their marriage and didn’t consider her husband at all until she explicitly invited me in and encouraged the connection. I became the first woman ever fully allowed into their shared dynamic with both of them. His wife and I were intimate at times, and she was consistently warm and welcoming toward me.
I knew she struggled with the situation at times, but she also said repeatedly that she knew I was good for him and that I could give him things she couldn’t. Early on, she reached out directly to communicate when she felt uncomfortable with certain things, and I respected that. I appreciated that she was trying to navigate something new.
What none of us expected was how deeply her husband and I connected.
This wasn’t casual. It was emotionally intimate and soul-level deep. He reassured me constantly that I was never “too much” and led me further into the relationship. We shared a vision that involved all three of us. He even said that if he could have two wives, he would — and I loved that idea. I never wanted him to leave his wife or disrupt their family. I respected their marriage fully.
There were even a few occasions where he impulsively broke up with me to focus on their marriage, and his wife was the one who pushed him to reconnect with me and continue the relationship, expressing that she supported it.
Toward the end, everything shifted. When he finally ended things, he told me that she had actually been jealous the entire time, and that he hadn’t told me because he was “protecting” me from it. This was devastating and confusing, because I wish she could have communicated that directly with me. I never wanted another woman to feel hurt or threatened.
The ending itself was abrupt and traumatic.
During a fight between them, he called me while she was present, yelled that it was over, told me to never contact him again, and said I needed to apologize to her. It felt like I was suddenly being framed as someone trying to infiltrate their marriage and family — which deeply hurt, because I am not a homewrecker and have always been respectful.
Later, he called again alone, crying and apologizing, saying I did nothing wrong — that he simply didn’t have the capacity anymore cause she was too jealous and she’s not wired that way.
What I’m struggling with most is feeling disposable — and feeling as though the depth, care, and respect I brought into this was erased at the end.
I was supportive. I followed his lead. I cared about both of them. To lose something this meaningful — and to have it end in a way that made me feel like a threat rather than a human being who loved deeply — has been devastating.
I’m heartbroken to know she was struggling. And angry that the ending didn’t represent the love we shared, that my feelings didn’t matter as much as hers. He told me not to let this come in the way of my friendship with her and that she loves me.
I’m absolutely devastated.
Do I reach out to her? Should I expect a deeper apology from him?
I was involved with a married couple who have been in an open marriage for about 15 years and have kids. Throughout their marriage, his wife has been allowed to sleep with other men, often encouraged by her husband. He has been clear that he does not experience jealousy around her partners.
Historically, he has only had a few connections with other women, and those agreements were “out of sight, out of mind.” Those relationships were more superficial and not integrated into their shared life.
This time was different.
His wife and I connected first — warm, flirty, playful. I was very respectful of their marriage and didn’t consider her husband at all until she explicitly invited me in and encouraged the connection. I became the first woman ever fully allowed into their shared dynamic with both of them. His wife and I were intimate at times, and she was consistently warm and welcoming toward me.
I knew she struggled with the situation at times, but she also said repeatedly that she knew I was good for him and that I could give him things she couldn’t. Early on, she reached out directly to communicate when she felt uncomfortable with certain things, and I respected that. I appreciated that she was trying to navigate something new.
What none of us expected was how deeply her husband and I connected.
This wasn’t casual. It was emotionally intimate and soul-level deep. He reassured me constantly that I was never “too much” and led me further into the relationship. We shared a vision that involved all three of us. He even said that if he could have two wives, he would — and I loved that idea. I never wanted him to leave his wife or disrupt their family. I respected their marriage fully.
There were even a few occasions where he impulsively broke up with me to focus on their marriage, and his wife was the one who pushed him to reconnect with me and continue the relationship, expressing that she supported it.
Toward the end, everything shifted. When he finally ended things, he told me that she had actually been jealous the entire time, and that he hadn’t told me because he was “protecting” me from it. This was devastating and confusing, because I wish she could have communicated that directly with me. I never wanted another woman to feel hurt or threatened.
The ending itself was abrupt and traumatic.
During a fight between them, he called me while she was present, yelled that it was over, told me to never contact him again, and said I needed to apologize to her. It felt like I was suddenly being framed as someone trying to infiltrate their marriage and family — which deeply hurt, because I am not a homewrecker and have always been respectful.
Later, he called again alone, crying and apologizing, saying I did nothing wrong — that he simply didn’t have the capacity anymore cause she was too jealous and she’s not wired that way.
What I’m struggling with most is feeling disposable — and feeling as though the depth, care, and respect I brought into this was erased at the end.
I was supportive. I followed his lead. I cared about both of them. To lose something this meaningful — and to have it end in a way that made me feel like a threat rather than a human being who loved deeply — has been devastating.
I’m heartbroken to know she was struggling. And angry that the ending didn’t represent the love we shared, that my feelings didn’t matter as much as hers. He told me not to let this come in the way of my friendship with her and that she loves me.
I’m absolutely devastated.
Do I reach out to her? Should I expect a deeper apology from him?
