Accepting the lifestyle

[Monowife67]

My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for 6 months. He is poly, I am 100% monogamous. I am finally accepting that he is the way he is, and I want him to be happy, which means letting him pursue sexual relationships outside of our marriage. Where do we start? How does he meet someone? How do I not let this affect our relationship in a negative way?

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Monowife67,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I suppose the best way for your husband to meet someone is to try OKCupid. Something more indirect would be attending local poly events, if you have any local poly groups near you. As for how to not let this affect your relationship in a negative way, the most important part is communication. Communicate often, and always try to improve the quality of your communication. Don't try to bottle feelings up inside, be honest with your husband and let him know how you feel. I also recommend that you start a new thread in Poly Relationships Corner, this way you can get a response from more people. You can always update that thread and get new advice.

I'm glad you could join us, and hope you enjoy your stay.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Welcome aboard!

 

[Evie]

1. Let him find his own way of meeting people. I'm sure you're trying to be supportive but you don't need to be doing the research on where he can get a date! Give yourself a break!!!!!

2. Starting can be in all sorts of places. We discussed our boundaries. I told my hubby I didn't want us hosting others in our own bed. But we moved and don't have a spare room right now, so we just change the sheets if there's been a reason to. It really wasn't as weird as I thought it would be. I also said my family and friends are out of bounds as are his, and he said he doesn't want local scandal, so I don't date in our tiny community or have my other sexual partners stay in a local motel. But the community is only 5000 or so people so it's really small. If I lived in a city that would change.

3. There's probably going to be some negative impacts somewhere along the line. What you can manage are how big they get. E.g. I am slow to share if I've been asked out on a date, I'd rather have some kind of confirmation of when and where before I tell Adam. He would prefer to know ASAP. I'm doing my best to remember that, but it's kinda rare so I forget now and then. Then there's the really unforseen stuff, like my rear windscreen being smashed while I'm out on a date (like last night). I need Adam's help with that stuff. He could have chosen to get irate about such a thing, or not. With him it's a huge "not" but it may have been the catalyst for a negative reaction if we didn't have the strong supportive relationship we do have. You can't foresee every possible scenario, god knows I never imagined a broken window. But loving and supporting each other - through adventures and trials - is how we ensure our relationship is stable and secure (I have no fear of the marriage ending due to being poly). I still express when something has tweaked me, but I do it without attacking... simply asking him to make a different choice next time (of all the coffee cups in the house, please don't use the one I was given by our friends to serve your gf). So, if you want to do good things for your relationship, then assertive not aggressive or passive aggressive when something has tweaked you.

 

[Al99]

Hi Monowife67 - and welcome to the Forum! A couple of years back, my wife asked me to open our marriage so she could explore her resurgent feelings for an old college boyfriend. At the time - since I did not have any potential partners on the horizon - it seemed like it was something I was doing just for her. Like you, I agreed to consider it out of my love for her and wanting to see her happy. That changed down the road - but at the time I found that participating on the Forum and learning as much as I could about poly in general was a big help in working through my acceptance of poly. So, I do encourage you to take advantage of our Forum and learn about polyamory. We have lots of experienced poly folks here who are generally helpful and friendly, so please do not hesitate to share your specific thoughts and questions with us.

As to your husband actually meeting women to date - in general, this is a little easier said than done if he wants to live up to the poly ethic of "knowledge and consent of all involved". Because that means that he has to inform potential dates of his poly status early on (i.e. - he is married and in a "poly marriage") - and experience has shown that many women avoid this situation like the plague (whereas married poly women are like catnip to men), a topic that has been discussed here at length. Not impossible, obviously - but don't be surprised if it seems more difficult than he expected.

Again, welcome and best of luck on the journey! Al

 

[Magdlyn]

This forum is a great place to learn about polyamory, what it is, how to practice it, how to deal if you're mono and your partner is poly, etc., etc.

But read BOOKS. More Than Two is a book and a website. Another good book is Opening Up. The Ethical Slut is the first book written on modern polyamory. If you read on this forum and at least one of these books, you will feel lots more prepared for the adventure, the usual stumbles and speedbumps, how to communicate, how to deal with your husband's NRE (infatuation, aka new relationship energy), how to fill your time and become a little more independent, and many other topics.