Adjusting to being the primary

[Candiedlove]

So. I'm currently my partner's only primary. While we believe in a multi primary model, it is what it is right now. And I realized I am NOT handling it very well. I enjoyed the fact that he could rely on 2 women. Being his only primary is pressuring.

The other thing I'm realizing is that I don't handle him having secondaries very well. I'm not sure exactly why this is. I suspect it's because I don't handle uncertainty very well. I knew the place his primary had in his life and was comfortable with it. But I feel very, not insecure exactly, but uneasy with new girls he goes out on dates with. Especially when they happen last minute. I suppose I should get myself some credit here. Its not that I go insane with jealousy or anything. But sometimes it results in me having minor episodes where I get very needy.

Of course I realize that he isn't going to establish a primary relationship with another woman without it starting out a secondary (by which I mean her being less committed, more of a girlfriend than life partner).

I would like to point out that this is not due to me worrying about them being a cowgirl. I don't even really know what it is but its not that.

How do I help deal with these feelings?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Candiedlove,

It seems to me that you need to get to the root of these uneasy feelings you're having about your partner's secondaries. Is it fear? jealousy? a need you have that isn't being met? What's the worst possible thing that could happen, and how do you feel about that? What's the worst thing that already is happening, and how do you feel about that?

I hope I don't seem to be interrogating; that's not my point. What I mean is, sometimes you have to understand a problem more thoroughly before you can deal with it. Try to analyze where your unease is coming from.

Hopefully I'll think of something more helpful later on.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[reflections]

Totally agree with Kevin's ideas about exploring your fears deeper.

I also want to emphasize that the last minute nature of him going in dates may be especially unsettling. I'm a planner at heart, so when things are "sprung" on me, it adds a layer of anxiety on top of whatever feelings I'm having. If that's similar for you, maybe it'd be helpful to figure out - whether that's giving yourself some understanding for why that's hard or seeing if he's willing to schedule more regular nights to go on dates.

Just some thoughts!

 

[Candiedlove]

seeing if he's willing to schedule more regular nights to go on dates.

I'll contemplate more of your and Kevin's thoughts, but I don't think this is realistic for us. We don't do specified date nights, such as "Tuesdays are the nights we go out with other people." But I think I'll try to be better at asking him his plan's for the next week or so, and see if he can do his best to give me at least that much notice.

 

[A2Poly]

That sounds like a good compromise. I definitely have some of the same issues, I don't like surprises! I'm not sure how I'll feel if Mal decides to add another partner or more (seems unlikely anyway), but even Djinn's scheduling changes (that affect Mal's scheduling) can make me uncomfortable.

 

[Candiedlove]

Is it fear? jealousy? a need you have that isn't being met?

It's not jealous, but it's a sort of fear...more a vague worry kind of fear than a sharp fear. As if there's something under my bed, but I don't know what it is.

What's the worst possible thing that could happen, and how do you feel about that?

The worst possible thing is actually that he never finds a primary and cycles through a continuous pattern of short-lived girlfriends. He knows I'm not thrilled with that idea, but he also tries his best to explain that he has needs, and sometimes I'm not around to fulfill them. Mostly sex and companionship. But I also know he'd rather take out some of his anger, frustrations (you know, how it goes some days when you just have to vent to someone) on someone other than me. There are also times when he's happy or just wants to spend time with a close friend/lover, he'd love that person to be me, but I happen to be busy that night/day.

What's the worst thing that already is happening, and how do you feel about that?

The worst thing isn't that bad-- it's when he sets up a date and they cancel last minute. I plan to spend that night with a friend...and having him available to spend time with me when I thought he was busy is annoying. Because he ends up home alone, and I feel guilty for not being there with him, plus I would've scheduled things so I spent that night with him and another night with the friend.

 

[kdt26417]

Would it help if he wouldn't do those last-minute cancelations?

 

[A2Poly]

Would it help if he wouldn't do those last-minute cancelations?

Or not tell you about them? Or maybe work on your expectations? You aren't going to see him that night *even if* he cancels. You need to keep your friendships and self care plans. I hear you saying you'd rather be with him, but maybe redefining those days as "yours" instead of as a missed opportunity to be with him would be easier on your heart.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm currently my partner's only primary. While we believe in a multi primary model, it is what it is right now. And I realized I am NOT handling it very well. I enjoyed the fact that he could rely on 2 women. Being his only primary is pressuring.

it's when he sets up a date and they cancel last minute. I plan to spend that night with a friend...and having him available to spend time with me when I thought he was busy is annoying. Because he ends up home alone, and I feel guilty for not being there with him, plus I would've scheduled things so I spent that night with him and another night with the friend.

So... you as a primary expect yourself to be available for him on call any time? Is that the pressure you were talking about before? Does he expect that of you?

Galagirl