Advance on my poly realtionship

Surfer001

New member
Hi everyone ☺️

Just looking for external views as still new to poly..

My partner and I are very close, we are planning on living together in the next few weeks...

We have boundaries and discuss any issues so communication is key with us

She has other partners that I've met and I was at first hesitating but after we all got on and I felt nice and safe with everyone.

The issue I need advice on is this, I am new to this all so still have some boundaries, like I don't like one night stands as I feel there unsafe so that isn't a thing.
Last week we had a small argument, as I had done allot over the last few weeks and felt slightly unappreciated, the next day discussing our relationship she said she feels that is she isnt as free as she once was, I mean we are in a quite a committed relationship with me being th anchore or primary and fluid parnter, that she has to consider how things effect me instead off being a free to do what she wants so to speak..

She told me a married guy Mike who is poly and a friend with benefits in the past, whom she hadn't seen in ages had been in contact and wanted to met up next week, which could lead to her being back at his, I explained to her I wasn't to ready for that at this point, as it was a new person to the equation I hadn't heard about them or met then before and we just had allot going on the last 2mths through Xmas new year birthdays new social situations and metting her partners etc, so said I'm OK but can you do it in a few weeks once we are established abit more security and I'm OK with it all.. she was happy to do so.

It was her brothers day Saturday night, all going out to a town near by, I couldnt make it due to work, she sent me messages till 10pm said she missed me loves me wishes I was there and me replying the same... then round after 10 communication stopped so I was like ah she out enjoying her night 😊 texted her later on saying I was off to bed hope she was having fun and could she text at the end off the night so I wake up early for work so i know she's home safe and not very badly drunk or sick or anything lol

The next day, I asked about the night, chatted all day but felt anxious? I asked if anything happened with anyone? She told me that she had told Mike she was going out that night to the town he lives in and he texted to say he was heading back from being out in a other town after a few day drinks too. So he came and met her.
They then kissed a few times, but as others were around nothing else, I asked if she would have gone home with him, she said possibly but maybe not as it might have effect me? So she's sees nothing wrong with it all.

I don't think I'm jealious about it, it's more the fact I'm feel erm annoyed? Or upset? Maybe cheated on? As I asked if she could met this person abit later when I was more secure, instead she told him she was out arranged to met and hooked up with him and kinda ignored me?

Am jealous? Am I wrong? To feel upset about it, as she says there was nothing wrong with it she done nothing wrong, I feel maybe if I was told prior I might have been OK or prepared?

Any advice would help please?
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

Keep in mind you both are adjusting.

What was that the main part of the agreement? She didn't go home with him nor did she share sex with him. Was that it? So did she keep it?
Or was the main part of the agreement not to see him at all until a few weeks out? So then she didn't keep it because they met up for drinks and made out some?

Did you think one thing and she thought another? Maybe the agreement was misunderstood?

One way to minimize misunderstandings is to ask the other person "Ok, now please repeat what I just said in your own words so I know you got it how I meant it" or if they tell you something you say "Ok, let me repeat back in my own words so I know I got it how you meant it. "

Next consider how much room is in this agreement. Like...How do you expect agreements to be? Like executed perfect to the letter? Or with some "learning curve" to it since you are both still new together and learning how to work together? Some agreements might sound great "on paper" but then "out in the field" may need some tweaks.

Perhaps the agreement is not located in the best spot on the timeline. For people who value being able to make spontaneous plans? They don't want to plan out weeks in advance. What's the agreement FOR? Health hygiene?

Well... Maybe the agreement could be more like "We agree to tell and ask if there's been anyone new before we share sex again." A different spot in the timeline?

So then she's free to meet up with whoever spontaneously. But before she shares sex with you again? It is on her to say "I need to make you aware. Since you and I were last together, there was _____ who is new. We did activities like ____. Safer sex practices were/were not used."
It is also on you to ask for sex hygiene info and to tell about your own side of things.

This way both can have full info before deciding to share sex with each other again or not. And you both can know sex health hygiene is being taken care of or not.

Some people are ok with casual sex. Some are not. Maybe you can use this sheet and use colors to figure out where you each stand. What's green -- good to go? What's yellow -- proceed with caution? What's red? Like stop long enough to check in? And what's black -- a total dealbreaker?

Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist

For example... I don't care to know about kissing, hugging, flirting, and maybe some petting. It's not a big deal to me. Sharing sex with fluids involved? Going home with strangers? Ok, that's news, I want to know what the plan is and that safer sex practices are being used. Getting someone pregnant/becoming pregnant? That's going to be a dealbreaker. I'm done with that chapter of life. I want no more kid responsibilities. Another dealbreaker would be going after minors, my parents, any anyone on my "messy people" list. There's enough people to date without going after my mom and making things really weird and messy.

There are others sheets as well from the Opening Up book.

Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships

Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change

Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation

I don't know if any of that could help you with better agreement making / lessen misunderstandings.

then round after 10 communication stopped so I was like ah she out enjoying her night 😊 texted her later on saying I was off to bed hope she was having fun and could she text at the end off the night so I wake up early for work so i know she's home safe and not very badly drunk or sick or anything lol

So did she text? Or you are cranky because she said she would and didn't?

If what you need is for her to express that she appreciates you, the work you are doing for the move, etc? You want some physical affection like kisses? Or you want to reconnect with a date where it is just (you+her) because you had enough of "other people socializing" over the holidays and whatnot with friends and family and other polycule people?

Could ask more directly for what you actually need. She's not a mind reader.

GL!
Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Out of curiosity, what makes you feel safe once you meet her other partners? And why does a comet relationship married man feel unsafe in comparison (rest of life stuff not withstanding).

I'm reading that you had a full on last couple of months AND about to move in together...may I recommend your own bedrooms since you're starting out poly - why entangle sleeping spaces then need to disentangle them later, but I digress. You're in a really secure position looking from the outside. If you're wobbly, why? Is moving in actually a bad idea?

OR

...are you behaving like a parent rather than a partner? This isn't uncommon, after all, there are (antiquated and patriarchal (yes I said it)) traditions around "meeting the parents" (or really, father) that you might be carrying unexamined into this relationship.

OR

...would you just feel a lot better that you weren't left imagining an Adonis or a thug or a [insert fear of choice here] that you feel like you could gauge with a meet and greet?

(I have run this past my husband and he assures me they are two very different things. I still have doubts.)

So. What is the actual belief behind the conditions you wish to have in your agreements? How could you address this belief at its core rather than put floaties on as you jump in the poly pool. Or, if you are going to require the floaties, can you see a day that you're ready to take them off because you've become secure in the poly waters?
 
I don't think I'm jealious about it, it's more the fact I'm feel erm annoyed? Or upset? Maybe cheated on?

You described your association as being communication savvy, but it doesn't sound like the two of you are on the same page at all. That is not a tell-tale sign of an association that has constructive communication as a central value.

You told her that you wanted her to put the brakes on this friend of hers because you aren't comfortable with it, and she agreed. Then she promptly met up with this guy and did some lite fooling around with him. This would suggest to me that she is not cool with the restrictions she previously agreed upon.

In a relationship with good communication, she would have felt comfortable telling you that she wasn't cool with the restriction. That, or she would have at the very least been keen to renegotiate this rule.

As it is, she is either fickle and flits from one thing to another without applying thought, or she's just not comfortable being honest with you. If she's fickle... yeah I don't know what to do with that, but if she's hesitant to be honest with you the solution is to learn how to have constructive communication.

My big recommendation for being good at communication is to learn to be an excellent receiver. Most people focus on burping out what they want, without being present and actually listening to the other person, and being grand masters at receiving bad news. If someone doesn't feel comfortable telling you "no", then your cup does not overfloweth with good communication. What you have is the opposite.

Am jealous? Am I wrong? To feel upset about it, as she says there was nothing wrong with it she done nothing wrong, I feel maybe if I was told prior I might have been OK or prepared?

You get to decide what you are cool with.
She gets to decide what she's cool with.
Everyone needs to actually be honest about what they're cool with.
Build the relationship in that authentic overlap.
Scrap everything else.
 
..may I recommend your own bedrooms since you're starting out poly

I just couldn't agree with this more. Since I stopped doing the standard traditional thing of living in the same room, my relationships have been so much less stressful. These days I won't even consider moving into the same room with someone (unless there were some critical and unavoidable temporary circumstance, in theory).
 
Am I wrong? To feel upset about it, as she says there was nothing wrong with it she done nothing wrong,

The first order of business in a healthy relationship is to be aware of how I feel and to embrace how I feel. Looking to my parter and to others to tell me how I "should" feel or whether it's OK to feel, is already starting on shifting sands - the opposite of emotional stability. Are you wrong to feel what you feel? We're never wrong to feel what we feel. Are you wrong to feel what you feel because your parter feels justified in her choices? The two are completely separate concepts. You get to feel how you feel - always, every time.

Since you asked for advice, I'd ask you to consider holding off for now from domesticating together. Taking up residence together is not evidence of how close or how happy people are. At very least, I'd urge you to seriously consider separate bedrooms. Privacy is vastly underrated among most couples and in my experience, privacy is essential to a good, happy relationship.
 
Hi Surfer001,

It sounds like your partner did not keep her word to you; she said she would not hook up with Mike until you were in a better place internally, then she got together with Mike (without telling you so ahead of time), and kissed him. On the other hand, maybe she feels that it was "just kissing," not the same thing as "hooking up," so she may feel that she did keep her word to you.

In the end, my guess is that the two of you were (are) on different pages about what it is the two of you supposedly agreed on. And if I'm guessing right, then the two of you need better communication with each other. Next time she says she will wait a while before "hooking up" with someone, ask her what she means by "hooking up." I'm thinking she means it strictly as sex itself, and that meeting up with someone (and perhaps kissing) doesn't count. If you want her to abstain from meeting up with someone, say so clearly to her, and make sure she understands.

The way we feel does not always take into account the facts of the situation -- and that is okay. It is fine for you to feel upset about what happened, it is even fine for you to feel like she cheated on you. What you have learned from the situation, on the other hand, is that you need her to tell you ahead of time if she is going to meet up with someone, even if she is not going to have sex with them.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
Back
Top