Advice about a crush

Vicky

Vicky

New member
I (27,f) am a lesbian, in a long-term relationship with my bisexual girlfriend (27,f), have been for 4 years now. Since spring 2020 she also has another partner (28,nb), so I guess I would describe her as being in a poly relationship with the two of us. The question of the two of us moving from monogamous to polyamorous relationship had been discussed, I am okay with it, and am on good terms with her other partner.
Problem for which I'd like to get advice is about me developing feelings for a very good and close friend (26,f) of mine, who is bisexual and single. The problem is whether to confess my feelings to my friend, and a polyamory forum seemed like the most appropriate place for that. I don't think that a potential relationship between me and my friend would damage my existing relationship with my girlfriend, my fear is of my friend having a negative reaction and things getting awkward between us afterwards.
What are your thoughts? To speak or to forever hold my tongue?
 
No risk, no reward.
 
Honestly, I think it's far better to say "oh hey, want to go out sometime" *early* in having a crush rather than sit there and nurture those feelings in an unrequited, waiting for her to notice kind of way. Just keep it casual, and if she's not interested, either in poly in general or you specifically, accept it gracefully, in a "no big deal" kind of way. Most likely any negative reaction will be fairly minimal and temporary, and will only be awkward if you make it awkward.
 
Does the friend know you are in a poly relationship?
 
I think you seem like the perfect person for this! They can always say no, and things may be awkward at first, but we're adults!

I'm a straight guy but I was asked out by a gay work friend. I denied it and said I was flattered - but afterwards just acted normal. While I have no poly comparison for you this is probably the closest situation I can approach your situation from with advice. We just acted like normal adults, and your friend likely will too.

Best of luck to you! I really hope it works out.
 
I am a hetero male so I don't know if I will have the best advice for you.

I agree with icesong about the direct approach. If you want to reduce the awkwardness it will help to try and maintain indifference if you receive a negative answerer. I think it would help to maintain a playful and casual attitude about it at this stage, so there isn't too much pressure on her; it will make it easier and less awkward to recover from the conversation if it doesn't go well..

With that said, I don't think there is anything wrong with letting things work out in a natural progression either. It really depends on your own ability and limitations.. Will this crush fester inside of you and get in the way of your life in other ways; or are you more casually minded and indifferent to these feelings? If it will benefit you to take care of it right away, by all means take care of it; get an answerer. There is also an inherent risk to inaction, she could enter into a monogamous relationship at any time. If in this scenario you feel like you will always regret not asking right away, then absolutely ask...

My current girlfriend had never been in a poly relationship before. We were friends for many years before we began a sexual relationship of any kind. I suspect if I had put her on the spot when the first spark of attraction came over me, she would have said "no way, not what I am looking for..". I wasn't interested in being direct, for a variety of good reasons, (ahem, she was my boss at work...). So I kept things completely platonic and was indifferent to my crushy feelings completely. However, as she got to know me better she must have developed an appreciation for polyamory. Something between us just clicked and she became interested. I realized it when she started flirting with me; her interest in me actually became very obvious before I dared pursue...

So I guess I could say that I have had relationships blossom out of all sorts of different approaches. In my most recent pursuit, I think playing it safe actually paid off and lead to a good relationship. A logistical nightmare of a relationship, but all's well that ends well...

You could also take the middle road if it makes you more comfortable. Like asking her to take up some activities with you, alone. If things get flirty between the two of you this may give at least a small indication of her level of interest before you pop the question...

Good luck
 
FWIW, here's my 2 cents.

If you are practicing poly and it's Open for all the participants? It's not Closed? Any of the three of you can date more people?

And you want to ask the friend out? Ask her out.

my fear is of my friend having a negative reaction and things getting awkward between us afterwards.
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This "good close friend" is actually a flimsy friend?

And she is not able to say "I'm flattered, but I'm not into you like that. Thanks for the compliment though!" and you both move on?

Kinda selling both you and the friend short. Any awkward between close friends would be momentary and would fade.

Galagirl
 
Inaniel said:
It really depends on your own ability and limitations.. Will this crush fester inside of you and get in the way of your life in other ways; or are you more casually minded and indifferent to these feelings? If it will benefit you to take care of it right away, by all means take care of it; get an answerer. There is also an inherent risk to inaction, she could enter into a monogamous relationship at any time. If in this scenario you feel like you will always regret not asking right away, then absolutely ask...
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Thank you for your reply, it was helpful and insightful :)
Regarding this specific part, I think my crush has been developing for a while now, though it's only in the past month or two that it's reached a truly intense proportion. So I'd say it's not something I expect to go away, on the contrary, so I guess it's better to ask sooner as you say

GalaGirl said:
FWIW, here's my 2 cents.

If you are practicing poly and it's Open for all the participants? It's not Closed? Any of the three of you can date more people?

And you want to ask the friend out? Ask her out.



This "good close friend" is actually a flimsy friend?

And she is not able to say "I'm flattered, but I'm not into you like that. Thanks for the compliment though!" and you both move on?

Kinda selling both you and the friend short. Any awkward between close friends would be momentary and would fade.

Galagirl
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. I'm practicing poly, and yes it's open for everyone in it, but I'm not entirely sure if my friend would be willing to be part of a poly relationship, I've never directly talked to her about her preferences regarding monogamy vs polyamory.

And you are right, I'm selling us short, and it's because of fear of rejection which frustrates me. I'm 27 and supposed be an adult but I guess some insecurities are yet to fade
 
Fear of rejection is hard. I've been there when I approached the members of my triad initially and with another friend. Sometimes it turns out they have feelings for you as well. I think you're in a good position with it being known you are poly.

To echo other posts, be polite and respectful. I'd recommend doing some self-care to help relieve the nervousness. I'd ask her out over a medium where you can hear each other's voices. That's a personal preference for me as I can better handle my emotions. Use whatever you feel most comfortable with.

Hope it works out for you.
 
And you are right, I'm selling us short, and it's because of fear of rejection which frustrates me. I'm 27 and supposed be an adult but I guess some insecurities are yet to fade
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What do you mean "supposed to be an adult?" Adults are never allowed to feel yucky things? Or feel nervous or insecure? Sure they are. You could be kinder to yourself. 27 IS an adult.

Confidence is grown by doing. It doesn't fall out of the sky.

She's your friend. She's not rejected you yet. Why would she be your friend otherwise?

She would simply be turning down a date.
  • She might decline because poly. Like she'd date you 1:1, but not like this in a poly thing because she's just not into poly.
  • Or she might have dated you had you not been friends first. Because she doesn't like dating her friends. But you ARE friends, so she declines.
  • Or it might not be the right time. Like she's got to move for work soon and doesn't want to start any romances that will then be LDR.
Lots of reasons to decline a date that are not "I reject you because you suck."

It's a bummer when you ask someone out and they pass. But don't make it bigger than it is or take it personally.

Not everyone you ask out will say yes. And not everyone who says yes to a date will be a long haul runner.

It's kinda what dating is FOR -- to get to know people that way and figure out who is and is not compatible.

Galagirl
 
Hello Vicky,

My vote is that you should confess your feelings to your friend. Or at least tell her that you would like to go out with her. That would maybe be like putting out feelers, and giving her a chance to bow out gracefully if she wants to say no. Yes, there is a risk if you expose some of your tender feelings in that way, your friend could have a negative reaction and then things could get awkward with her. But saying nothing is also a risk, she could move away, not knowing how you felt, or someone else could swoop in and "claim" her. Just to give a couple of examples. My point is, carpe diem, seize the day. Ask her out. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Had a question posed to me that I think would be helpful in your decision making Vicky (worded for you situation):

If your friend is the type of person who would make it awkward after you talk to her, is she the right person to be in your life?

If you are wanting friends to accept and allow you to be open with you, this is part of the deal IMO. The only person who you can control not being awkward is yourself. If you can do that, think it is reasonable for your friend(s) to reciprocate.

Another note and maybe I just missed, I get your partner has another partner but what is your exact agreement? The "i guess we are in..." is throwing me off a bit if you are sure what your relationship agreement really is.
 
The update on the situation is that I got rejected.
Things were a bit awkward but we managed to talk it out and I think things won't be awkward in the future, at least not long-term.
Thank you all for your input and advice, though, it helped me a lot with coming to grips with my own feelings and insecurity.
 
Good for you! Go forth confidently. Rejection is just an uncomfortable part of life, but there is nothing intrinsically wrong with it; don't let it bruise your ego.
 
There you go. So now you know. A good conversation and deeper understanding came out of it. And any lingering awkward? It will fade.

You didn't get a date, but hopefully you got a little practice and a little more confidence.

Galagirl
 
Vicky said:
The update on the situation is that I got rejected.
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You might get more mileage out of thinking more like a guy in this regard and see this as evidence of your courage rather than as a rejection. Guys are encouraged to put themselves forward, almost to the point of it being a requirement for personal value. Take the positive aspects of this traditional male approach and leave the rest. Asking someone out comes from a position of agency. Extending the offer of romance and sexuality comes from a place of self possession. The world is full to bursting with successful men who have been "rejected," but confidently asked - and asked and asked again, having moved on to others who would be receptive. Whether you're actually interested in others is not really the point. Thinking of yourself as confident and self possessed is the point.
 
To add on toe @FallenAngelina wise words, it's not really being rejected but that isn't the right person at the right time. People should always remember, which guys do forget, they are owed nothing. They don't have a chance with everyone and that is okay. But if you think there is a shot, it is good to try then to what if.

Now the relationship can become what it can become honestly instead of living on this foundation of an imagination of a relationship in the what if world.
 
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