Advice about Open Marriage

[LaminarFlow]

All this advice has been super eye-opening and helpful. I am heartbroken and wondering if I am just prolonging more heartache by staying in this while he figures out his shit. Everything felt so real when this relationship started. I trusted his words and his actions, which has led me to a super-dramatic situation. The wife has sent me messages, stating he has fallen in love with me, and this is the last straw their marriage can handle, while also begging him to not leave. And I am in the middle, holding all he has shared with me regarding their marriage, hoping he makes a healthy decision for himself, which would be to leave his wife and follow his heart.

I'm sorry this is happening, Hunnybunny. Why is she messaging you? Are you okay with that? Perhaps you could share kindly with her that you don't want her to contact you for your own mental health. She wants a no-contact for her husband, but not for her and contacting you? Double standards.

Will he or won't he? Can I stick around to find out?

It's up to YOU if you want to stick around for something that may or may not end in divorce.

 

[Magdlyn]

All this advice has been super eye-opening and helpful. I am heartbroken, and wondering if I am just prolonging more heartache by staying in this while he figures out his shit. Everything felt so real when this relationship started, I trusted his words and his actions, which has led me to a super-dramatic situation. The wife has sent me messages.

You don't need to respond to her messages. (You can even block her if she's being intrusive or upsetting.) The relationship you have is with the guy, not with her.

... stating he has fallen in love with me, and this is the last straw their marriage can handle, while also begging him to not leave.

She can feel things and want things. That's none of your business. You won't stay with this guy (wait for him, whatever) to please her, or even to please him.

You'll stay because you feel, rationally, realistically, not just romantically, hopefully, impulsively, that you have potential for a happy and healthy relationship with the guy (whether he is legally separated, or stable in an open relationship, which, right now, he isn't). You were led down a garden path. You thought things were great. They are not.

I am in the middle, holding all he has shared with me regarding their marriage, hoping he makes a healthy decision for himself, which would be to leave his wife and follow his heart.

You're not in the middle! You're just an innocent bystander. HE is in the middle. He's the hinge. He has to make some hard choices. The choices are pretty clear. The decision is hard, but it's for him to make. Step back, step out of it. You don't have to convince HIM. He has to leave for himself, not stay for her, or leave for you. It's his life.

If he's telling you one thing, and letting her believe something else, that says something about his character, and it's not good.

Will he or won't he? Can I stick around to find out?

Look back to what I said about being in a similar place. I didn't "stick around." I went about my life. I didn't wait for some dude I barely knew to affect my life, or my future, or my dating, like this. I don't care for wishy-washy people. I want dependable people in my life.

I know you're probably in shock at how this situation has deteriorated. It is very upsetting to go from Cloud 9 of NRE to suddenly having this mess instead. Be good to yourself. Try to take breaks, get off your phone, go outside, see friends, etc. Give your brain a break.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am heartbroken and wondering if I am just prolonging more heartache by staying in this while he figures out his shit.

I'm sorry you are hurting.

The wife has sent me messages, stating he has fallen in love with me and this is the last straw their marriage can handle, while also begging him to not leave.

Not sure how she got your contact info, but you don't have to respond to her messages.

I am in the middle, holding all he has shared with me regarding their marriage, hoping he makes a healthy decision for himself, which would be to leave his wife and follow his heart. Will he or won't he?

You are not in the middle. You are off to the side. It's not your marriage to end or repair. They have to deal with it. You can step back from all of that.

Can I stick around to find out? I'm not sure if my mental health or heart can handle that.

You get to decide your limit of tolerance. I think dating people shouldn't have to cost you your mental health or emotional health. If this is costing you too much, it's ok to bow out.

Ultimately, YOU get to decide what you want to do. You get to decide if you want to wait some more and make the final call in 2 months, or if you'd rather break up for now, maybe getting back together later once he's actually free, or if you'd prefer to break up permanently.

Galagirl

 

[hunnybunny]

Well, I have been receiving radio silence since last Thursday, even when I sent a message that I am hurting and having a hard time. Think that answers my question.

 

[Magdlyn]

Well, I have been receiving radio silence since last Thursday, even when I sent a message that I am hurting and having a hard time. Think that answers my question.

No contact means no contact. See what happens in two months.

At least the wife is leaving you alone now, too.

It hurts now. Generally after 40 days the hurt lessens. (This is not proven in a lab, but many people report this as a kind of magic number.)

 

[hunnybunny]

No contact means no contact. See what happens in two months.

At least the wife is leaving you alone now too.

It hurts now. Generally after 40 days the hurt lessens. (This is not proven in a lab, but many people report this as a kind of magic number.)

But is it wild for me to think that if he really loved me, and I sent a text about how deeply I am hurting and need just a bit of reassurance, that he would say something sweet to make me feel better? I feel like I’m actually being ghosted.

 

[Magdlyn]

But is it wild for me to think that if he really loved me, and I sent a text about how deeply I am hurting and need just a bit of reassurance, that he would say something sweet to make me feel better? I feel like I’m actually being ghosted.

Sometimes it's not a great idea to think or say, "If you REALLY loved me, you would..."

As was said upthread, this "love" you two feel (after just two months) is mostly hormones and attraction. Real love has to develop, be tested. You can tell if someone loves you by their being there for you through thick and thin, being there during hard times. The sexy fun times of a new relationship, where everything is great 24/7, do not, can not, last forever.

Of course, you have every right to your feelings. Sadness, anger, doubt, they are all natural things to feel. You can want him to reassure you. But he told you he's going "no contact." You don't know what the agreement is over on their side. Maybe he has to show her his phone/computer, every message he sends and receives. Maybe his ability to share child custody is also in the balance.

Ghosting is when someone disappears with no explanation. He gave you warning and an explanation. I don't think it's reasonable for you to expect him to comfort you during his period of "no contact."

You chose a guy who was a far from perfect dating partner. Sometimes people do promise the moon and can't or won't deliver. The times I've had men tell me one thing (from their own real excitement and attraction for me, or even just to get a quick cheap lay), and then dump me in short order, I can't even tell you. It's as common as dirt.

I hear you're hurting. Please be kind to yourself. Don't do anything to hurt yourself MORE. Take time every day to grieve, but then go out and do things to comfort yourself and distract yourself. Depend on your close friends, the ones you trust.

 

[hunnybunny]

Sometimes it's not a great idea to think or say, "If you REALLY loved me, you would..."

As was said upthread, this "love" you two feel (after just two months) is mostly hormones and attraction. Real love has to develop, be tested. You can tell if someone loves you by their being there for you through thick and thin, being there during hard times. The sexy fun times of a new relationship, where everything is great 24/7, do not, can not, last forever.

Of course, you have every right to your feelings. Sadness, anger, doubt, they are all natural things to feel. You can want him to reassure you. But he told you he's going "no contact." You don't know what the agreement is over on their side. Maybe he has to show her his phone/computer, every message he sends and receives. Maybe his ability to share child custody is also in the balance.

Ghosting is when someone disappears with no explanation. He gave you warning and an explanation. I don't think it's reasonable for you to expect him to comfort you during his period of "no contact."

You chose a guy who was a far from perfect dating partner. Sometimes people do promise the moon and can't or won't deliver. The times I've had men tell me one thing (from their own real excitement and attraction for me, or even just to get a quick cheap lay), and then dump me in short order, I can't even tell you. It's as common as dirt.

I hear you're hurting. Please be kind to yourself. Don't do anything to hurt yourself MORE. Take time every day to grieve, but then go out and do things to comfort yourself and distract yourself. Depend on your close friends, the ones you trust.

This post was super helpful. It really talked me off a ledge from sending and unhinged text. You are right, he is not ghosting me, I needed that reminder. He is potentially doing all of this so we can be together, he kepy saying before this time of NC that he has to do this in an ethical way, in a way that will not hurt his family. Really trying to hold on to what we share, and the deep feelings we do have even if this time is difficult for my heart and mental health. Going to spend time in nature today, and focus on me and my needs.

I really appreciate you seeing me!