Advice appreciated, does it ever go well for the unicorn?

Re (from JustCurious83):
"If this is true and I sincerely hope it is not, what exactly are we unicorns supposed to do? :("

Find someone who will not treat you as a unicorn?
 
Re (from JustCurious83):


Find someone who will not treat you as a unicorn?

And stop dating couples looking for a triad. Date individuals. If one of those individuals is in a couple that are dating separately, and you eventually meet the meta and all randomly and naturally find yourself attracted to one another, it may work. But otherwise, generally not so much.
 
If this is true and I sincerely hope it is not, what exactly are we Unicorns supposed to do? :(
Well, for starters, stop calling yourself a unicorn. Please!

It's a derogatory term aimed at idiotic couples who think that as soon as they want to open their relationships, hot bi babes will fall out of the sky and be at their back and call to love both of them equally, service them sexually whenever it is asked, give up their lives to move in with them, hide their involvement from the couple's families, and never be interested in anyone else.

To poke fun at them, we say they are looking for unicorns, which is an age-old expression that means someone is seeking the impossible because, well, unicorns don't exist - they are mythical creatures. Even if you enjoy dating couples, you are not a unicorn. You are a flesh and blood human being with wants, desires, needs, and life goals of your own, which you have every right to pursue.

If you want healthy, loving relationships, go slowly and date people one on one. In other words, just date individuals. If a triad or other configuration develops after you get to know someone's other partner, let it develop naturally, organically. Avoid couples who say they want a unicorn to fit into/add to/enhance their existing relationship. That is just an asinine approach to non-monogamy. People are not puzzle pieces. Or unicorns.
 
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I am hoping that it is just a 'new to poly and freaking out' situation, as such I'm willing to accommodate that.

It's not just a 'new to poly and freaking out' situation. Sure, it's being spun that way, because then...you'll accommodate it. And so will he. Because we need to accommodate our poor little pwecious and her Deep Important Feelings that simply MUST be more important than anybody elses.

BULLSHIT!

Being new to something doesn't mean that everybody else's feelings get put on hold for that person. Being inexperienced does NOT mean that the inexperienced person gets to call all the shots.

Jesus Christ, imagine that happening anywhere else: We have a new pilot. New pilot is feeling insecure about his/her abilities and skills flying. So we're going to let him/her just keep trying until they feel comfortable...and if we all crash and burn along the way, well, at least we didn't hurt the new pilot's feelings.

Does that sound insane? It IS insane. And ridiculous.

New Poly Chick and certainly decide how quickly SHE is going to descend into poly. She can decide she got in too deep, too fast, and renegotiate her relationship with you, and with the other partner. She can *ask* (ASK, not demand) if the two of you might accommodate some reasonable requests (which I'm not going to go into now, other than to say nothing she's demanding is reasonable) in the relationship dynamics between the three of you, temporarily, while she has some time and space to sort herself out. WHICH, she should be TELLING YOU "If you do X for me to give me time and space, then I will do Y (get therapy/read self-help books/have talks every other day with you and Other Partner) to improve my comfort level and ability to handle this.

What she doesn't get to do is dictate all your relationships. Especially since the two of you have a child and have known each other much longer! That is NOT ok! In any way, shape or form.

If I were you, I'd cut all ties with her, let him know what kind of relationship you're willing to have with him, and then focus on you and the baby. And the other people in your life who aren't willing to kotow to controlling manipulative requests that come in the guise of "needing help".
 
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It didn't work out for this "unicorn". First she broke up with me via him and then he has done the slow retreat from me until I was out (bad feeling that tonight is the end of all of it). I wanted it more than they did and my needs became "too much". So many promises that were never allowed to be. A part of me feels used. I wished for more but got burned.
 
Sorry to hear that, fauna. :(
 
I've only known one 'ex-unicorn' (albeit as a friend, not in a relationship with her) and she told me that the two attempts she made both made her feeling like a "handmaid" from The Handmaid's Tale. I don't think I have ever heard of a unicorn not being the one who 'loses' should something go wrong amongst the three of them.
 
Original question answer:

The question isn't does it ever go well for a unicorn. It can

The question is does it ever go well when a metamour is mistrusting you and dealing with their feelings by imposing rules and control.

Nope.

It's not going well. You can feel that in yourself. You can't e liking or respecting how your partner is treating you (forget her; it's his choice to accept or not.)

Your best chance of this working is digging vey,'very deeply into what you want and holding your personal power and deciding only to do situations that feel fair and promising and that make all feel empowered- especially you.

Your metamour isn't going to feel empowered if she is dependent on rules for her well-being.

You aren't going to feel empowered by taking on rules that hurt you

Your lover isn't going to feel empowered by choices being other than his- and him not owning that the choice IS his.

Huge hugs. That's a painful situation.
 
If you didn't have a child, N's requests would be sort-of reasonable.

And it would be *very* reasonable for you to respond to them with "AHAHAHA FUCK NOOOO."

Since you do have a child with J, the kid takes precedent. That's a human life. A romantic relationship is not as important as a human life. A relationship with someone who wants you to agree to all kinds of crappy restrictions, and whom you don't trust (in this case, both J *AND* N), isn't a good one. And that's the model you're setting as an example of "normal" to your kid.

J is acting like an idiot.

I'm sure he loves N, and he probably loves you too, OP.

But he has responsibilities to your child. The restrictions that N is putting on your time together - which I assume will also feature your child - are completely unreasonable.

And if he isn't willing to say no to them, then it comes down to you - and you also have responsibilities to your child - to enforce boundaries.

Is a weak-willed untrustworthy father who will do anything for his other girlfriend, but only gives his mother scraps of affection and time, the kind of thing you want your kid growing up with?

Decide what you want in an ideal world. Decide what your idea of hell looks like.

And really don't compromise too much.

I don't think that J is cut out to be your primary, or even much more than a co-parent and friend, to be honest. He takes N's side over yours, and will agree to all these restrictions, even though the two of you have a kid together. You mentioned that the kid was an accident - but he exists now, and he changes things.

You aren't just deciding what you can handle; you are deciding what you will show your child is healthy and normal, and what your child can expect from his parents and future relationships, and what love looks like.

I would break it off with J, other than co-parenting, and just not bother with N. And spend time with others who give a damn about my time, and act like they respect me.

Unicorns can be happy - but the couple they are unicorning-to has to be self-aware, transparent, and very open to negotiation. And I've only seen it work where the "unicorn" is practicing solo poly, or doesn't want to live with anyone, or has a primary relationship already (but maybe their partner is long-distance or has chronic health problems).

If the "unicorn" feels like a valued priority - just a partner, rather than a model ordered from a catalogue - things are fine. ...but that isn't usually the case, unfortunately!

I say this all as a childless person who has been poly for around 10 years, as part of a couple. All of my secondary relationships so far have lasted 1-8 years; most were healthy. The only unhealthy ones were where one person needed more than the other could give, and felt really crappy because they didn't get enough affection/recognition/time/one-on-one time/communication. And sometimes that person was me!
 
Run. Run like hell!

Seriously. I wouldn't tolerate that from my daughter's father and we aren't romantically involved.

I would counter with: I quit you both. Here is a reasonable visitation schedule for J's time with his son, I am willing to be flexible on days, but not on amount of time. Contact will only be about the child, and is expected to be polite and forthcoming.
 
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