Advice desperately wanted

[Newtopolybutverysure]

Hi everyone,

I am here seeking advice from my fellow poly people!

I have been poly with my partner for three years now, and it has been a little rocky, I’ll be honest, due to us both trying to figure it out, as well as life itself. Recently my partner and I began dating a new girl. Now, this was the first real relationship either one of us have had, and it was a throuple relationship, along with the independent relationships in it. it went great until it went south, and the new girl and I both agreed it would be better for us if we were to just remain friends (due to misunderstandings in communication).

Now I will admit that this breakup left me feeling really discouraged, because both new girl and I had very strong feelings for each other, but just couldn’t seem to get on the same page. now throughout my partner's and my relationship, a constant fear they have had is that they manipulated me into thinking I want to be poly. This isn’t completely unreasonable to think about, because I do have a lot of PTSD, and with that a of insecurities. I can become very jealous (not just with romantic partners, but with friends and family, as well). This is a flaw of mine that I recognize and am actively trying to work on through therapy. I have talked to my therapist pretty constantly for the past few years about my relationships and he would also agree that my ideal relationship type is polyamory. With that being said, I do have some more struggles due to my PTSD.

Now here’s where I’m seeking advice. Since my breakup with new girl my roommates and my friends have gone to my partner saying that they don’t believe that I am cut out to be polygamous. Now this had a very heavy weight on my partner and while my partner does still believe me and trust me, they are still more worried about it than they’ve ever been in our relationship.

Now I will say that our friends are all very monogamous and have never truly tried to understand polyamory. They also have never tried to talk to me personally about this issue. This has left my partner feeling insecure, and I feel very angry with my friends and their unwillingness to come to me directly. I do plan on speaking to my friends about it. However, I am at a loss for words for how to help my partner feel secure.

Dating is something that is very hard for me and I don’t do it very often (much less than my partner), and while I do have some jealousy when my partner goes on dates, it’s usually my being jealous of my partner and their ability to seize the moment, which is one of the many many things I truly love about my partner. I am unsure about how to approach this conversation with them after the one we had where they left off saying “it’s hard to prove it to myself when everyone around us seems to believe that you’re not.”

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

It's weird that a therapist concluded that your ideal relationship configuration would be polyamory. Especially when you admit jealousy over your partner's platonic relationships. I think you may need a new therapist.

 

[GalaGirl]

Let me repeat back what I understand.

You and Orange were both dating Yellow.

it went great until it went south and the new girl and I both agreed it would be better for us if we were to just remain friends (due to misunderstandings in communication)

And now you and Yellow have had a mutual break up.

Now I will admit that this breakup left me feeling really discouraged, because both new girl and I had very strong feelings for each other, but just couldn’t seem to get on the same page.

Sometimes that happens. There's initial attraction, but it doesn't quite "click" for more. You and Yellow sound like you made the best choice in the situation. And now you both need a little time to get over the break up. That's normal.

throughout my partner's and my relationship, a constant fear they have had is that they manipulated me into thinking I want to be poly.

Have you reassured them that you are here of your own volition and consent? What are they doing on their side to manage/solve their fear?

I get you have PTSD things, but you sound like you have a therapist to work with and are addressing your things appropriately.

So... what else does partner need to let this fear GO? Do they think you are gullible?

Since my breakup with new girl, my roommates and friends have gone to my partner saying that they don’t believe that I am cut out to be polygamous. this had a very heavy weight on my partner and while my partner does still believe me and trust me, they are still more worried about it than they’ve ever been in our relationship.

Perhaps you need to draw some boundaries with your roomies and friends, like, "Thank you for your concern, but I really prefer you talk to me directly about them, rather than just going off to tell my partner that you don't think I'm cut out for polyamory. If you need reassuring that I really do want this, I do. So stop bugging my partner. Deal with me directly."

And perhaps your partner needs a similar but different conversation. "Thank you for telling me about the friends bothering you. I've set boundaries with them to tell me their concerns directly rather than dumping on you from the sky. If you need reassuring that I really do want this, I do. In future, if my roomies or friends do that again, tell them to talk to me directly. I will deal with them."

Our friends are all very monogamous and have never truly tried to understand polyamory. They also have never tried to talk to me personally about this issue. This has left my partner feeling insecure. I feel very angry with my friends and their unwillingness to come to me directly. I do plan on speaking to my friends about it. However I am at a loss for words for how to help my partner with feeling secure.

You can tell them why you are angry. That's why you set the expectation and personal boundary NOW. Tell them not to overstep like that again.

Do people keep treating you like a delicate flower just because you have PTSD from the past that you are working on healing? When can you be treated like a regular ol' person by your friends? Making accommodations is one thing, but acting like you can't make your own choices for your own self is another.

Like if it was walking with a cane, you might need a ramp or a hand up a tall curb to step up to the sidewalk. But that doesn't mean you can't make choices about your life yourself, right? You can decide what to eat for dinner, where you want to work, who you want to date or not.

What is the deal here with the roomies/friends not respecting YOU choosing how you want to date for your own self? You could ask them that.

This has left my partner feeling insecure

That part your partner has to resolve on their own. You can't fix their worries for them. You also cannot fix whatever they are insecure about for them. All you can do is be solid in your own self in and your dealings. You could tell them you spoke to the friends and set boundaries, and reassure them that you do want to practice polyamory.

I am unsure about how to approach this conversation with them, after the one we had where they left off saying, “It’s hard to prove it to myself when everyone around us seems to believe that you’re not.”

Your partner dates YOU, not everyone around you.

All you can do is carry yourself well, keep doing your therapy, and let time pass. Show your partner that you remain CONSISTENT OVER TIME and have demonstrated that, over and over.

It's going to be hard for your partner to go, "I don't believe you want poly," after you've been doing it calmly and consistently for X months/years. It's ok that they have a different poly dating pace/style than yours. You have your own poly dating pace/style.

You might still consider dating your own people and not dating the same person as your partner again, though.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Newtopoly,

It sounds like your friends are jumping to conclusions about whether you are cut out to be polyamorous, they should not be doing that, your partner is listening to them and is not giving you a fair say in the matter. Tell your partner to listen to you, and to stop listening to the friends. You should be the one who has the say in the matter. You just have some PTSD, you can't help that.

Regards,
Kevin T.