Advice for a newbie

B

Bouncingbetty

New member
Hi! I just did an introduction yesterday. Basically, my husband and I are considering poly. We have this friend whom we both have strong feelings for and I think they may be mutual. But, she of course knows nothing about our recent discussions of polyamory and the relation of the discussions to her.

I am not trying to rush things but it is slightly complicated as she might be moving into our house. She is a good friend and I want to be able to help her and not possibly make things weird. But I kind of feel like I am being untruthful to her if I do not at least let her be aware of my affection, especially if she might be living with us. I am pretty sure that even if she was weirded out it would not ruin our friendship. Our group of friends is usually very open minded and communicative with each other.

Any thoughts or advice?
 
I would not think it wise to move in with someone you are contemplating a relationship with. I know you think your friendship would be OK if she is not interested but even so it could make things odd for you all. Especially if she is moving in because her other options are limited. It can just add pressures you don't want.

Leetah
 
That's what I am thinking, the real question is whether I bring it up so that she is aware before she decides to move in or just pretend the attraction is not there and don't say anything until she has other housing options at least. I have had feelings for her for many years so it shouldn't be that hard.
 
If you can go on being normal around her even when living together I would go with not talking about it in any serious way. You don't want to leave her with no choice but staying in a living situation that has become uncomfortable. I guess it depends on how long she expects to live with you.

Leetah
 
Hi Bouncingbetty,

I guess I would play it by ear; if the subject comes up it comes up, if not that's okay too. Hopefully your friend knows she can trust you, regardless. That's just my take on it though, I'm not 100% sure I'm right.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
It seems to me that the best time to bring it up would be when she starts talking about moving out. If you've all been getting along great then you can have the talk and if she isn't interested she can go ahead with the move. I think even if she's open-minded, it's awkward (at least for a while) spending time with someone you know has feelings for you that you don't return.
 
Thank you. This is all helpful. I am just going to act "normal" for now and see how everything goes. I may at some point try a discussion about poly in general and hear her opinions, after all I don't even know what my husband and I will ultimately decide about becoming poly, no need to rush things.
But...she came over on Tuesday night with her massage table and gave both my husband and I full body massages...so it is slightly hard to hide the attraction, lol.
 
SoulSister and I decided to live together for a time out of necessity. My husband passed, she divorced hers (he was abusive). I had one kid, she had two and neither of us could've survived on our own, emotionally, financially, mentally. I was living in a duplex renting space from my grandparents in a city where most of my support system wasn't.
SoulSister and I had fooled around before, but when we lived together we didn't much and even when we did it didn't affect the way we managed bills or got along.
All this to say, it's ok to take care of someone you are romantically attracted to.
Could it go very badly? yes
Is it the best option? no
but if it's what needs to happen and you are all adults ( like actual mature ones) then it can work out.
8 years later SoulSister and I are still in one another lives on a daily basis.
I'm not going to lie, that year of co-habitating was a magic time, we didn't always get along. As a matter of fact we had our worst dysfunctional argument in that house, but we took care of one another and one another's children.
I got to know her in a way we wouldn't have otherwise.

I felt this was worth mentioning.
 
Thanks for that insight.

Update:
We actually had a generic polyamorous discussion last night (my husband, friend and I) which went well. She has known other people in polyamorous relationships and she would not be judgmental but she doesn't think she could ever do it herself. Good to know. I will try to tone down my fantasizing and just stick with being super good friends. I think it was good to have that conversation before she moved in so I stop thinking "what if".

Well a lot more conversations with my husband still need to happen before anything happens with anyone. I also need to figure out what I actually want from another relationship.
 
Bouncingbetty said:
I also need to figure out what I actually want from another relationship.
Click to expand...

I had this question and I can tell you what didn't work. It didn't work to try to figure out my ideal and then work back to what I was presented with like I would do if I was buying a car or a house. It's along the same lines of looking for someone to fill a box for you. I thought "oh I'd never do that!" but guess what I tried to do anyway...
luckily no one was hurt


What is working is putting myself out there. See what there is to see. BUT even we were a little unprepared for what that started. We, well I jumped into dating people within a month of opening our relationship. For me though I learn a lot from doing, I think Dean would agree but it was more fun for me and more trial for him.

In the end though it worked.
I have a boyfriend and I still am not sure what I want from that relationship other than I want more people to connect with intimately and with commitment. I want more people to love, to share varied interests with, to care for and about. I wanted to chase sparks of connection, to see them to their natural end.
I'm getting all of that in spades as my relationships have room to grow and change, they are fluid things. Its pretty great.
 
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