Hello everyone. First post! So here's the story...it's kind of tricky to me so any guidance would be appreciated. I've edited it to give everyone involved a pseudonym.
So I was fluid bonded with my now former primary partner, "Allan" for nearly two years. Allan is male-bodied, and I am female-bodied, and the agreement of our fluid bond was that only he and I would have unprotected penetrative sex. I found out a couple of months ago from Allan that he had broken our agreement a few months prior and had had unprotected penetrative sex with two different people. The first person, "Marta" was not aware that Allan and I were primary partners and fluid bonded, and he admits to having intentionally kept her in the dark. The second person, "Angie", was a friend of ours that he and I dated occasionally. Angie was aware of our fluid bond, we had spoken together extensively about our safer sex needs, and I considered her an ally. As you might imagine, I was devastated not only to learn of Allan's infidelity, but to learn that Angie, who I'd trusted and considered a good friend, had consented to breaking my boundaries.
Allan and I had extensive conversations about his choices, and he has opted for a period of solitude and personal reflection. Given his transparency in admitting his mistakes to me, and his committment on his part to address his behavior, I feel a pretty good sense of closure with him.
I would also like closure with Angie, who knowingly crossed my boundaries. Unfortunately, I learned more recently from a close friend of mine, "Lupe", that Angie had been involved in something similar: Lupe's now former primary partner, "Jon", with whom Lupe was exclusively fluid bonded, had been secretly having unprotected penetrative sex with Angie for a few months before Lupe found out.
While it takes more than one person to tango, I am incredibly hurt by what I am seeing as serial behavior on the part of Angie. Lupe, Angie and I have a close network of mutual friends and lovers. Given this mutual connection, Lupe and I would like to call Angie out in some sort of community accountability process. Would anyone have any advice or feedback for what I have in mind? Here is what I have so far, followed by what I see as problematic with this approach:
Lupe and I, through a neutral mutual friend of all three of us, would like to ask Angie to meet us in a safe space, in the presence of trusted friends and lovers and a facilitator all parties could agree on. Lupe and I would like for Angie to hear us out: our stories, the repercussions her actions have had on our emotional and physical well-being (again, not conflating her choices with the choices of Allan and Jon). She could also state her perspective if she so desires. I would also like to request that she commit to certain actions to avoid this kind of behavior in the future, and ask her what she thinks those actions could be. We might open up suggestions to our friends if she consents. Lupe and I would then both like to ask Angie to apologize to us individually. We have a lot of mutual friends (and former, current, and future lovers), so I hope that the community part of the process will assure that she is held accountable.
I do not expect that this sort of process will solve Angie's problems, and I also fear that including friends could result in this becoming a shaming process. I do not want to shame her. I do, however, want space to communicate openly and up-front about these issues, and I would like to underline that her choices have ramifications in our larger community of lovers and friends. For myself, I ultimately want to find another grain of closure. Folks with experience in conflict resolution, community accountability processes, and similar experience, would you have any advice? I would especially appreciate anarchofeminist perspectives (this is the framework that most folks in our community follow), but I am welcoming to any and all loving advice and perspectives.
Thank you,
Bromeliad
So I was fluid bonded with my now former primary partner, "Allan" for nearly two years. Allan is male-bodied, and I am female-bodied, and the agreement of our fluid bond was that only he and I would have unprotected penetrative sex. I found out a couple of months ago from Allan that he had broken our agreement a few months prior and had had unprotected penetrative sex with two different people. The first person, "Marta" was not aware that Allan and I were primary partners and fluid bonded, and he admits to having intentionally kept her in the dark. The second person, "Angie", was a friend of ours that he and I dated occasionally. Angie was aware of our fluid bond, we had spoken together extensively about our safer sex needs, and I considered her an ally. As you might imagine, I was devastated not only to learn of Allan's infidelity, but to learn that Angie, who I'd trusted and considered a good friend, had consented to breaking my boundaries.
Allan and I had extensive conversations about his choices, and he has opted for a period of solitude and personal reflection. Given his transparency in admitting his mistakes to me, and his committment on his part to address his behavior, I feel a pretty good sense of closure with him.
I would also like closure with Angie, who knowingly crossed my boundaries. Unfortunately, I learned more recently from a close friend of mine, "Lupe", that Angie had been involved in something similar: Lupe's now former primary partner, "Jon", with whom Lupe was exclusively fluid bonded, had been secretly having unprotected penetrative sex with Angie for a few months before Lupe found out.
While it takes more than one person to tango, I am incredibly hurt by what I am seeing as serial behavior on the part of Angie. Lupe, Angie and I have a close network of mutual friends and lovers. Given this mutual connection, Lupe and I would like to call Angie out in some sort of community accountability process. Would anyone have any advice or feedback for what I have in mind? Here is what I have so far, followed by what I see as problematic with this approach:
Lupe and I, through a neutral mutual friend of all three of us, would like to ask Angie to meet us in a safe space, in the presence of trusted friends and lovers and a facilitator all parties could agree on. Lupe and I would like for Angie to hear us out: our stories, the repercussions her actions have had on our emotional and physical well-being (again, not conflating her choices with the choices of Allan and Jon). She could also state her perspective if she so desires. I would also like to request that she commit to certain actions to avoid this kind of behavior in the future, and ask her what she thinks those actions could be. We might open up suggestions to our friends if she consents. Lupe and I would then both like to ask Angie to apologize to us individually. We have a lot of mutual friends (and former, current, and future lovers), so I hope that the community part of the process will assure that she is held accountable.
I do not expect that this sort of process will solve Angie's problems, and I also fear that including friends could result in this becoming a shaming process. I do not want to shame her. I do, however, want space to communicate openly and up-front about these issues, and I would like to underline that her choices have ramifications in our larger community of lovers and friends. For myself, I ultimately want to find another grain of closure. Folks with experience in conflict resolution, community accountability processes, and similar experience, would you have any advice? I would especially appreciate anarchofeminist perspectives (this is the framework that most folks in our community follow), but I am welcoming to any and all loving advice and perspectives.
Thank you,
Bromeliad
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