Advice for first meeting a metamour?

I'd say leave it alone and just meet them with an open mind right now.

When I was just starting out in my relationship with my partner (I'm mono), it was very difficult for me to switch out of the typical "but why am I not enough for you?" mindset (in fact, I still have small bouts of it from time to time). However, I wanted to get to know my metamour better and did my best to not let my issues in my relationship with my partner impact my friendship with my metamour.

Yeah, everything impacts everything else, but it wasn't her issue to work through, it was mine, and I recognized that. Your metamour may feel the same way.

If not... if she does start going into a conversation you don't want to have, just let her know you don't feel comfortable talking about it. Hoping you have fun on your girls' night! :)
Sounds like our metamour relationships are in the same stage

This is a question that I have been struggling with as well.

I am in a closed V with my husband as the hinge. My hubs and I have been together for 14 years and he has been with my metamour for 9 months. She and I are very aware of each other, but have had no communication until recently.

I know that rule #1 in poly is that you never move faster than the most reserved person in the relationship. I am eager to meet her and get to know her. We may never have a close relationship-but who knows someday we might, we'll never know until we try. She has been hesitant to meet me for numerous reasons, all of which I understand and respect.

However on July 3rd we were (all three) attending the same event (it was a company family appreciation day) in various roles.... Hubbs was cooking, she was running a serving line, and I was managing entertainers. No one there knows that we are in a V relationship, but a few of them know that Hubbs has me AND a girlfriend-but they don't know who she is.

However, during the event she made sure to see to it that I took a break to get something to eat, and I made sure to assure her that the other guests were having a great time and that all of the planning that she and hubs had done for the event was appreciated. We really only spent about 20 minutes together talking about the event. We did not discuss the relationship or spend time getting to know each other.

BUT even that short superficial meeting has made a difference in the pig picture relationship, it has helped to reassure all of us that we were on the right track and are with the right people. Hopefully we will be able to build upon this and continue to make strides forward and be able to spend a bit more time together.

One of my short-term goals would be for us to be able to be together on a routine basis (monthly or every other month) to discuss time management, and relationship needs, and wants as a group instead of Hubbs having to act as messenger between us to figure out our calendars.

I guess that's my point for you. for the first meeting find something quick and superficial to do. Grab a cuppa tea/coffee or just walk through Wal-Mart or the park together. Something where you are not tied into a long or stressful event and can leave gracefully if things go a little weird. Then build on that at the speed of the slowest person in the relationship. After that first meeting figure out a minimal goal that you would like to achieve and talk to your shared partner to see if they think that goal is attainable someday, if it is then talk to your metamour to she what she thinks. And remember someday might be a long time away. Patience, is key - At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Keep us posted. I'll be checking in, because your relationship with your metamour sounds like it's in about the same place as mine is with my metamour. I bet you'll have a few good tips to share as time goes on.
I know that rule #1 in poly is that you never move faster than the most reserved person in the relationship.

That's not the "#1 rule in poly". It's just something some people say they believe. Not everyone who says they believe that does it, either.
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I suppose I should have clarified for my group, and for right now, our rule #1 is to move as slowly as the most reserved person in the group.

Other rules that occasionally become #1:
1. Openness and honesty- Not only with others in the group but also within each individual.
1. Clarity in communication-be as clear as you can be when communicating with others in the group. No hemming and hawing and dancing around the topic at hand. Be forthcoming in your communication, don't hide your primary message under a bunch of not-as-important communication.
1. Respect- respect yourself, others in the group, and those whom we call friends. And expect respect in return- from each of us and from those we call friends.
1. Take joy in each other- treasure the moments we are together and enjoy the knowledge that we are better as a group. When apart enjoy the solitude and know that we are still there for each other, we're just a phone call away.

Lots of rule #1s :)
If you really feel the need/desire to meet them, you may consider meeting them one at a time and with him being present. When he is present, I would think the boundaries will be more secure. Surely she wouldn't talk to you about him as if he isn't even there. I find that spending time together (with him and her) releases a lot of unnecessary pressure that can build up. It also let's you see how he will hold the boundaries and interact with both of you.

An analogy: I used to sell Interior Decorating franchises. I would interview prospective Franchise Owners and we would get to the point where they needed to create a business plan. Often times, a person would come back to me and say "I can't create a business plan." and my response was "Then you can't run a business."

Likewise: If a person can't entertain two of his/her partners over dinner and walk away with both of them feeling good about the dinner and about him......then that person will probably not be able to pull off the multiple relationships in question.

In fact- A guy that can successfully have 3 female partners in his life should be able to impress all three of you during a dinner date and he should be able to do this periodically.

I know people will disagree with this and you may be able to change my mind- but that is how I feel about it right now.
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Meeting my Metamour

Ok, my partner is in a long distance relationship. They were in a relationship before I came into the picture. Now, I have met his other partner, but that was before we started dating and was very brief at a social event. They visit each other a few times during the year. He went to see her the last time for two weeks.

I can see him daily, so I felt that while he was there, I should limit my phone calls and messaging so that I am not disrupting any time that they may be having together because she is married and has to share her time with her husband as well.

Well, she is coming here next month. I was really excited at first. But, as the time gets closer, I’m starting to worry, and I feel nervous. I know that she has had some jealousy about the amount of time that I get to spend with my partner because we are so much closer (distance). I don’t want to upset her while she is here. I feel the same need to give them their space while she is here just like when he was up there. But, my partner has expressed that he desires us to all get together. He wants the family type experience.

When I expressed my concerns to my partner, he told me that she is nervous and worried about meeting me as well. He also shared with me that they will have some work to do because she had asked for his full attention while she was down here for two weeks and he feels that is unfair to me… as do I. I want them to have their time, but I don’t want to go two weeks without spending some kind of time with him.

And now I feel like… :mad: wow, I was worried about trying to give them their space and making sure she feels comfortable around me, and worrying about my actions and if they might make her feel like I was trying to claim him which I don’t want to do… and she isn’t even considering that she will be taking quite a bit of his time from me, she wants it all! And that upsets me which makes me even more nervous and worried about meeting her now.

So, it’s kind of snowballed now… thinking about how she asked him for his full attention made me think about how she will be living with him for two weeks while she is here. So, now I feel jealous. I don’t get to live him. And this type of thinking doesn’t sit well with me. I am not normally like this, so I need to get out of this mindset. Words of encouragement, advice, etc… all would be greatly appreciated!
You might just be picking up on her jealousy of you, and thinking it is your own. We often pick up the thoughts and patterns of thinking of those around us, or those who are directing their energies our way, and unless we recognize when it is or is not our own thought processes, sometimes it is easy to think that what we're going through may not even be our own shit.

Don't let yourself get caught up in any melodramatic thinking nor feeling offended - that won't do you any good. Just clearly state what you want, and be as present as you can be with what is happening. When one is present in the here and now, then anything life throws us will be handled appropriately. But if you're dwelling on negative thoughts or stuff, like taking offense at something, you will be stuck in your head.
Nycindie makes an excellent point.

Maybe try thinking compassionately about why she made those insecure requests - and they are a sign of her insecurity.

She is coming into your territory. No comfort of what is familiar to her - except your joint lover. So she is feeling a bit clingy.

Her fear of meeting you. What if you don't like her?

And you know given the distance which makes their times together infrequent, it is not out of line that she asked to be given the lion's share of the time with him - but not all. However, I imagine she is thinking to herself, here I am in a strange town, in a strange house, so how the hell I am I going to entertain myself if he goes out with her?

I am betting when you do meet, all of those fears will be washed away on both sides.
I also agree with nycindie about avoiding letting yourself get twisted up in your feelings about the future.

I want them to have their time, but I don’t want to go two weeks without spending some kind of time with him.

I also wanted to point out that it really is ok to not get what we want sometimes. This is just life and if a couple of weeks away from my partner is the very worst nightmare I have in my life... I'd say I'm doing pretty well.

Remember that you are a fully functional human. You will be perfectly fine if you go a whole two weeks without a visit from him. Before you met him you were a fully functional human and went your whole life up until that point without seeing him... I'm sure you'd be able to tough out a couple of weeks.
  • Hinge expressed what he wanted at this visit. Everyone all together for "family time."
  • GF expressed what she wanted at this visit. Her 2 week visit alone with him.
  • You expressed what you wanted at this visit. To give them space while she visits.

Up to there? 2 trump 1, so BF could deal with the fact that the ladies are not willing to participate in "family time" at this time on this particular visit. Maybe some other visit. It isn't like visits are gonna RUN OUT right?

He could let it go this visit.

Along the way you have discovered a new want. You too want to have 2 weeks with the BF alone living together at some point on a little getaway thing -- even a staycation.

You could express this want to BF later when she leaves. He could meet the request once he's aware. He's not a mind reader -- you kinda have to make him aware.

Emotion is just internal weather. Could let it blow on through.

As for your motivation?

  • You could choose to be motivated by generosity of spirit -- like you originally were.
  • You could choose to be motivated by freak out scarcity mind set (when time with BF for you is actually not scarce)

Generosity of spirit serves you better -- could go with that.

You could try to keep this simpler and be generous with your hinge's time. TALK BACK when the Internal Voice starts telling you weirdness that unsettles you. Things like...

  • It's 2 weeks, not eternity.
  • I can always talk to BF to work out some goodnight phone calls or something help me endure the 2 weeks of less contact
  • I can remember my ORIGINAL want was to give them space because I live closer and get to have his time more often.
  • There's no "scarcity of BF time" here for me on my end of the V. I get to see him LOTS.
  • How I deal and interact with BF is naturally different than how she will deal and interact with BF. It isn't because I am "less than." It is because the time available to (him+her) is less than what (him + I) get.
  • I can reassure my own self.
  • Shut the hell up, stupid Internal Voice. I am not my thoughts. I am the one DOING THE THINKING. I'm the boss. So take that!

You could let it go and accept in this "uneven time share V" you get the "more time" side of the V.

If part of it is that you want BF or meta to SEE you -- could ask them to thank you and acknowledge that you are trying to play well here. Maybe you want to be SEEN and your effort you put into this polyship considered, acknowledged, and appreciated.

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Thank you for the responses so far.

I think the point about the scarcity mindset is interesting. And, I definitely agree with that. I don’t normally feel like there is scarcity of his time. My partner does have another local partner and various casual relationships, so I do still have to share his time on a regular basis. But, maybe hearing her desire for his full attention just flipped the on switch for the scarcity mindset.

My partner likes to say that fairness does not equal equality. I totally agree with that. And in this case, I am fully aware that having equal times with him is not fair. And that’s not my desire anyway. I know I can go two weeks without seeing him. He goes out of town often, and he’s been to see her for two weeks while we have been dating. However, I still have an irritation about it. Obviously, that’s going to be the area that I need to continue working on!
Sorry for the response delay

I was out of town. Thank you all for your replies, so much. I was actually thinking about going out with her, without him for a few reasons. I didnt want to be constantly watching their body language, or to wait and see if he kisses us both goodnight. Right or wrong, I know myself well enough to know that I will watch, and that isnt fair to anyone. I figured if we went out without him, then we could just get to know each other, if I have a relationship with any of these other women, I dont want it to be only because we happen to be dating the same person.
FindingMyselfInTheGrey: It does sound like we are in very similar places!
Thank you for sharing what happened with your casual meeting. It helped a lot, as I am still really scared about it all. I think when you have been 'mono' the majority of your life, you learn other women/men to be threats...not friends.
So, overcoming that whole, 'you're trying to take my man' or 'how is she BETTER than I am?' can be difficult to overcome.
I will definitely keep you posted as I have received so much help here, I hope to be able to pay it forward soon!!
thank you

Remember that you are a fully functional human. You will be perfectly fine if you go a whole two weeks without a visit from him. Before you met him you were a fully functional human and went your whole life up until that point without seeing him... I'm sure you'd be able to tough out a couple of weeks.

I needed to read this today - thank you for giving support here and your most excellent non-standard, non-hetero field guide to queer non-monogamy (the link in your sig is terrific). as a woman involved exclusively with other women its a joy to read about others in the rainbow community who are doing this too. the inspiration and solidarity are splendid.

thank you thank you
little star
I'm wondering how well he's doing at communicating his own wants to her. She expressed her desire to him to have him all to herself. He expressed to you his belief that this would be unfair. Has he expressed it to her?

I don't blame you for wanting to tread lightly. Making enemies out of her won't help anything, and if she's already jealous and taking the alpha female tactic, she may already be gearing up for a fight. That can only end poorly.

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to request a night out with him, and for him to simply tell her that it's going to happen. It's his life, he can choose how he spends his evenings, he doesn't need her permission. If she's grown-up enough to make the trip, then she can handle herself for one night.

It's also worth noting that although she's expressed this as a desire, that's not the same as expressing it as an expectation. Most people understand that there are all kinds of things we want and they can't always happen. If she can't handle not seeing him for one night, then she's got bigger personality issues than her selfishness.
This could be one of those cases where you think, think, think about what might happen- but it might be better to let all the thinking go and just "do it". Just meet her and see how you like one another. See how your guy handles things. He is the one that wants the three of you to spend time together so some of the burden is on him to "entertain" you socially and facilitate things so to speak. Relax- take a few deep breaths and just do it.
Baby steps

One question I have too is, if when we're talking and there's something I let them know I need to have in the relationship, but they counter with we/he can't meet that need all the time, let's say it's I need a date night every week. Does that mean that things are automatically doomed? or are there ways to compromise? I suppose this probably all depends on the people involved, but generally speaking, or possibly in your experiences, are people in poly relationships good at compromising?

Honestly, if you truly want to be a part of their lives....that can be a big commitment, even on YOUR part....maybe keep expectations low at the beginning?

You may feel you want to ease into it slowly, to be sure this is what you really want....