Advice for new open relationship status

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NoraJ0813

New member
Hi everyone,
My husband and I recently agreed upon an open relationship status and I'm curious on some ways some couples handle their own situations. Is it strictly about the physical aspect or do some allow regular dating outside of their marriage/relationship? I know some set rules and boundaries and my husband and I have agreed on some rules. I would just like some advice for those who are experienced in this relationship status and who still maintain strong relationships with their SO. Thanks to all!!
 
Hello and welcome!

This is a really broad question, so it may be helpful for you to throw out some specific ones and do a lot of reading here on the forum. The life blogs might help you see the wide range of relationship structures within polyamory. I'd also recommend the book More Than Two - fantastic reading on how to "do" polyamory.

In my case, my husband and I opened up our relationship with the original idea of swinging. While my other significant other (OSO), Jack, and I started as friends-with-benefits (FWB), we've developed a strong romantic relationship over the years. We're madly in love with each other! Roger and Jack are good friends, but aren't involved otherwise. In the past year, Roger has been dating his girlfriend, Taylor, as well. We are not involved and haven't spent much time together, though I'd like to get to know Taylor better and see if a friendship forms.

I am not a fan of hierarchical polyamory - meaning that I don't consider my relationship with Roger as more important than my relationship with Jack. I think there's a common misperception for newbie polys that you "have" to have a primary and secondary relationship if you're poly. But it can end up very much hurting people, particularly the "new partner" (e.g., Jack). There is absolutely no "vetoing" of partners - each relationship stands on its own, and there's no way I'd end things with Jack if Roger asked me (and same with Taylor). Just because Roger and I are married doesn't mean his needs come above Jack's - it's a tricky balance.

The way I am poly, I tend to discourage rule setting as much as possible. I believe that Roger and Jack are both independent people and don't need my permission to have relationships outside of the ones with me. I've found rule setting in the past to be indicative of deeper concerns (e.g., insecurity, jealousy) and I'd like (or would hope my partners would like) to grow in those areas instead of using rules to solidify those fears even further. That said, the four of us have agreed to let us all know if there are new partners and to use safe sex practices if so (we're all fluid bonded at this point, each of the three relationships), or one of us has the choice to use protection with the other until he/she has tested clean. We've decided at this time to not come out to Roger's, Jack's, and my families, though that may change in the future (Taylor's family loves and completely accepts Roger :) ). All new rules need to be approved by anyone that may be affected by the rules. I have frequent check-ins with both my partners to see how things are going. I also have requested in the past to meet my partner's partner (metamour) fairly early in their relationship (e.g., for me - before sex if this seems like a long-term relationship), but I'm more flexible now, have no veto power, and wouldn't ask this of more "casual" (for lack of a better word) relationships. I can't think of any other rules, and ones I've set in the past (e.g., Roger only spending one night at week with Taylor) have been done in service of me needing some time to grow and stretch (no longer a rule). Oh and Roger was completely able to not agree to that, and I can't imagine making that rule in the future.

Hope that gives you a little insight into ONE kind of poly relationship!
 
Thank you so much for sharing your personal situation...I knew it was a pretty broad question but I guess I'm just looking for how other people handle their situations so I can take aspects from it...I'll probably be on here a lot with other questions.
You were spot on with that whole rule thing being a cover for fears and jealousy...I do tend to be a jealous person BUT that is an aspect of myself I am working on. We have discussed the 'spending the night' and 'going away for a weekend' options but I dont think I would be comfortable with that...for now. I'm not saying I'm not willing to change my position on anything. From things I've read...some couples allow other full fledged relationships while others specifically state 'no regulars' and I know it comes down to what works for each specific couple. Question for you: are you, let's say scared, that your husband might want to leave you one day if he should happen to fall in love with someone else? I really appreciate you sharing your situation with me.
 
Hi NoraJ0813,

There are many kinds of open relationships. Some involve falling in love with new partners and emotional attachment, others are limited to casual sex. Polyamory is the word for the more emotionally involved type of open relationship.

People often fear that if their SO falls in love with an OSO, their SO will run off with the OSO. The truth is, it's very common for someone to be in love with two people and want to keep both of those people in their life. If that weren't true, there'd be no such thing as polyamory.

I second reflections' suggestion to read "More than Two." "Opening Up" also.
 
Glad it was helpful! I also really admire the part of you that's willing to grow - I think that takes tremendous courage and I hope your partner appreciates that part of you as well. :)

I think the differences you're talking about come down to swinging vs. polyamory. Some people in polyamory relationships DO swing, but oftentimes, polyamory is about loving multiple people. Roger was the one who first suggested that we try an open relationship, and the original intent was to meet new people and "spice up" our sex life. But what I discovered in myself was a stronger desire for intimacy with another person - and intimacy for me includes being in love. At the time, Roger and I didn't even know what polyamory was!! In retrospect, I wished I had done a lot more reading on it beforehand. But Roger has somehow always been incredibly supportive and happy for me and Jack (helps that they were friends for years before) and never tried to control the speed of our relationship. When I fell in love, I fell hard. I shared my feelings with Roger (before even Jack, because I was terrified that he didn't feel the same way and preferred a FWB relationship, though I turned out completely wrong) and he said he had already known for months before I had known! He was 100% supportive and knew on some deeper level that my love for Jack didn't take away, but actually enhanced the love Roger and I had. I couldn't believe I was married to someone who wanted that kind of happiness for me and wanted me to be happy. It's still incredible.

As for fears that Roger will leave me, I will be honest and say that when he started dating Taylor, it shook my world. I had been living a seemingly monogamous relationship (Roger hadn't dated or shared sex with anyone else but me and I only got to see Jack sporadically, as we're in a long distance relationship or LDR). I was a complete mess. We had some fuck ups communication wise early on and the speed of how quickly he fell in love with Taylor (after pretty much their 1st date, as they'd also been friends for a while) contributed to my fears, particularly when Roger went into dating Taylor with the intent of not falling in love (yeah, can't control that!). I don't think I was as scared that he was going to leave me but that we wouldn't get through this opening of our relationship, our communication failures, my overwhelming anxiety/jealousy/anger when it first happened. That that would be what ended us. I knew that Roger and I had a deep commitment to each other and had made it through some really challenging times together, so I had to trust that we would get through it. And we did. This is not to say that it's always rainbows and puppy dogs for us, but we've both grown tremendously as individuals and as a couple and continue to make great strides in communicating better and working on our relationship.

One thing that I can take comfort in is that polyamory means NOT having to leave one relationship for another. Trusting that Roger was polyamorous (and having firsthand experience of how my love for him grew by his complete support for my love for Jack) meant that I could trust that whether or not we made it depended solely on us. He could have other relationships without ending us. And I learned that when I'm feeling hurt by him dating Taylor, then I need to do some work to understand what is lacking in my relationship with Roger to cause me to feel that way. I absolutely don't have any fear now that he will leave me for her, regardless of how in love with her he is. Our relationship is still a work in progress, but addressing those deep fears/insecurities, for me, has made a world of difference.

Looking forward to hearing more of your questions now or in the future! :)
 
NoraJ0813 said:
From things I've read...some couples allow other full fledged relationships while others specifically state 'no regulars' and I know it comes down to what works for each specific couple. Question for you: are you, let's say scared, that your husband might want to leave you one day if he should happen to fall in love with someone else? I really appreciate you sharing your situation with me.
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Poly is all about loving multiple people. The "no regulars" rule is found more in the swinging world, which is actually based on a monogamous love idea. The fear you describe doesn't exactly evaporate with poly, but it's not so drastic and pressing, as the whole idea of poly is to embrace love that develops. The swinging/"no attachments"/mono love style is based on the idea that love is limited and weakened if shared. The poly style is based on the idea that love is unlimited and expands when shared.
 
Thanks again everyone....My husband is talking to a couple women right now. We are 3 months into this open relationship and he has yet too actually...get out there. I, on the other hand, have been involved with a man for 2 months. I know his time can happen anytime now and I find myself jealous and somewhat angry because I know it really is a matter of time. I feel completely wrong for these thoughts being that I was the first to be out there and he has yet to but I can't help my feelings. He has been telling me about one of the women and I feel more jealousy towards her than any of the others. He just seems..more into her...and it bothers me. Again I feel like I have no right to feel this way but still do. I have read a great article on jealousy which had definitely helped. I feel that maybe since this is just the beginning that it's just a hump I need to get over. I just know that I won't be the happiest person when it does happen and I'm trying to prepare for coping.
 
NoraJ0813 said:
From things I've read...some couples allow other full fledged relationships while others specifically state 'no regulars' and I know it comes down to what works for each specific couple.
Click to expand...

No regulars? As in, all sexual liaisons must be one night stands? Ick!

Honey, that certainly isn't polyamory! Poly is about having multiple love relationships, not NSA sex. So, if all sex partners outside of the existing couple are strangers and never to be seen again, love surely could not develop...

and love is the point of polyamory.

That is not to say that polyamorists don't engage in casual sex or have purely recreational fuck buddies, but that part is not poly. If one is open to developing deeper feelings and having ongoing, nurturing, loving, respectful relationships with several people, even while also having some NSA fuck buddies, then that would be poly.
 
Thanks I'll definitely be reading those... So even in a seasoned open relationship you guys still experience jealousy? Does it get easier to control over time? My jealousy hasn't spawned from this newfound status but has always been an old demon that I've decided I need to slay for good for my own happiness and comfort. I feel this situation will...help.
 
In theory, yes, it gets easier. You work on the things in yourself that cause the jealousy (fear, insecurity, etc.), and grow from it. You realize your partner isn't going to leave, and that loving more than one person doesn't mean less love for any of them.

But, it will still usually rear it's ugly head once in a while, even for the most experienced poly person. It could be that your partner handles their NRE poorly at some point, or that you realize you need to revisit your own boundaries, or something else.

So, it's a work in progress for most of us. Generally, if you do the self-work and have partners who are compassionate, with good communication, it does get much easier for many people.

There are people for whom out doesn't, of course. IMHO, there are people who are "wired" to be mono, others wired for poly, and some on various points of the discretion in between. For those wired mono, it can be more difficult, or impossible, to overcome jealousy in a poly relationship, because they are engaging in something not genuine to themselves (though I do believe most people can overcome jealousy in ltheir romantic relationships, if they're being true to their own relationship needs and not engaging in an undesirable-for-them arrangement to please someone else).
 
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NoraJ0813 said:
So even in a seasoned open relationship you guys still experience jealousy?
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Both jealousy and envy are states of unease or upset that sit on top of deeper feelings. People will often acknowledge their jealousy without really examining what the jealousy is a cover-up for. In general, it is understood that, while envy is basically an unease over something that someone else has which stirs up feelings of inferiority and fears of being undeserving, jealousy is basically covering up insecurities and a fear of loss.

If one is afraid that they will lose their loved one to another, jealousy rises up very quickly. If one feels very secure in their loved one's place in their life, jealousy doesn't come up so much.

Oftentimes, if a person fears losing an important other to someone else they view as a "rival," and they are overcome with jealousy, it could indicate that the relationship itself is closely tangled up in that person's sense of self. We've all been taught, by our monogamous society, that when we find a "life partner," their presence in our lives completes us. If they become involved with and love someone else, it can feel like threat to our security and brings up that ingrained belief that we are incomplete without them! If we can strive to be less attached to those old ideas that our partner completes us, it is very freeing - and compersion can come much more easily.
 
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I won't even lie...i am insecure and have a fear of losing him because he loves someone else. He has reassured me that he will never leave . nycindie...what is your situation of you don't mind me asking? I REALLY admire you all for your advice...especially in the jealousy department..and even more that it doesn't seem that jealousy is not really a factor for you. I really want to grow from it but,like you said,i think that monogamy has been so ingrained my whole life that It's harder for me to let go of my jealousy. I have also been reading your responses to my husband so as to get his input and response. In the article about jealousy in open relationships... It was also saying that i need to identify the make up of my jealousy (e.g. 50%fear...10%inadequacy...etc.) which I'm doing to better communicate with my husband and myself. I'm willing to grow and evolve...my mind is giving me the practical rational side while my heart is giving me the jealousy and insecurity.
 
Re (from NoraJ0813):
"So even in a seasoned open relationship you guys still experience jealousy?"
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Of course; it's very common.

Re:
"Does it get easier to control over time?"
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I think so.

You have to consider that jealousy isn't necessarily a bad thing per se -- just as fear isn't necessarily a bad thing per se. We're supposed to be afraid of things like heights and angry grizzly bears and swarms of bees and serial killers. Sometimes jealousy is a warning signal that something really is wrong. When you feel jealous, the thing to do is not to just try to stamp the feeling out, but rather to examine the feeling and try to discover what's causing it.
 
greenacres said:
so, it's a work in progress for most of us. Generally, if you do the self-work and have partners who are compassionate, with good communication, it does get much easier for many people.

.
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^ so true
 
There are no limits to love - how many, how much, etc. There ARE limits to time, and that can be even harder to manage than jealousy, IMO. One partner can feel neglected if they suddenly have much less of a partner's attention, and a new partner may want even more time than they're getting. Reassurance to each can help, and making your time with each as good as you can also helps.

Our concerns have mostly been about time. We have little or no jealousy issues to deal with, thankfully. I've had a long-term regular FWB that has become increasingly poly-oriented. My wife has a long distance intermittent relationship. We really enjoy our time together, and time apart - if more than a few days a month - is not something we want to do. So, we can make a poly/open relationship work for us only at two extremes: either occasional time with others, or something close to living together with our other partners so that we don't have much time apart. Our current partners like the intermittent, casual model for now as they have other partners or time commitments. My wife doesn't want to add more partners, nor does she want to spend much more time with the ones she has - she mostly wants time with me. If any of them want more of our time, we'd have to work out how to spend a lot more time all together to avoid the two of us having to spend more time apart. Then the issue would be more about mutual compatibility - could we all enjoy spending that much time together (with - of course - the ability to spend private time and one-on-one time as desired)? My wife is definitely open to some kind of living together model if we all get along. That could be difficult to work out, though, especially while being fair to everyone and balancing needs!
 
Hubby and I started with an open "swinging" model two years ago. We did make rules, such as "If you develop romantic feelings for someone, you have to stop seeing that person." We tried to make sure the rules were actually possible to follow, and we made sure potential partners were aware of them. And one of the "rules" was "None of these rules are set in stone." We also gave each other veto power, but not unilateral; it was more "I don't want you to get involved with this person because of this reason" and then we would discuss it. And the couple of times either of us exercised that power, it turned out to be someone the other one didn't want to get involved with anyway.

We've transitioned from swinging to poly, and our rules are now considered boundaries and agreements rather than actual *rules*.

Hubby has only had sex with one other woman, and that was right after we opened the marriage. He doesn't think he has the emotional output to sustain more than one relationship, and he wasn't particularly enthused about having sex with the other woman; it was more of a novelty thing for him since he went through a 4-year dry spell before meeting me, and so hadn't had sex with anyone else in nearly a decade.

I was jealous about that situation, though, especially after Hubby lied to me--twice--about plans with and feelings for that woman. I think the fact that he lied about her, the only times in our entire relationship that he's been dishonest, is one of the main reasons he's chosen not to be with anyone else again, sexually or romantically. (I also didn't trust the woman; I'd known her for several years, and she'd told me things about herself that caused me to question her intentions with Hubby.)

We transitioned to polyamory because I fell in love with a guy who was supposed to be just a FWB. When I realized those feelings, I immediately talked to Hubby and told him I would stop contact with the other guy, per our agreement. But Hubby told me not to do that; he said that he believed in my ability to maintain our marriage while having a relationship with the other guy. (It helped that by that point, the "benefits" weren't even a factor; the guy had left our area two months earlier and was 800 miles away.)

With that guy, I also had agreements, mainly that we would tell each other about any other partners, and that we would practice safe sex with any other partners (which was also an agreement with Hubby). Since we were long-distance, we didn't put any restrictions on who we could or couldn't see.

With S2, things changed. Hubby battled jealousy that he hadn't experienced with the other guy, because S2 lives in our area and so is someone I can see regularly. The other guy, who was still involved with me when I met S2, became very jealous, and when he returned to our area on business, his actions, born from that jealousy and anger, caused the end of our relationship.

S2 isn't jealous. He considers himself secondary to Hubby, though I consider them co-primaries. S2 has gone on one date with one other woman since we've been together, and that had a negative outcome, so he has also chosen not to get involved sexually or romantically with anyone else. And I've told him and Hubby that I'm not interested in seeking out another partner either.

Even though I make sure Hubby and S2 are both aware that they still have the option to see someone else, I have to admit I'm glad they aren't exercising that option. I do tend to be insecure and fearful, partly because of my past and partly because of mental illness. I've been honest with both men that I'm afraid if they see someone else, they wouldn't want to be with me anymore--but I've also been very, very firm in stating that I DON'T want them using my fears as a reason *not* to see someone else if they're interested. I've told them that if they do start seeing someone else, I will ask for reassurance that they aren't abandoning me or choosing the other person over me, but that I would never ask them not to see the other person unless I considered that person an actual threat. (Like a "cowgirl" or whatever.)

So... long story short, yes, there's jealousy. But communication and honesty go a long way toward counteracting it. And as others have said, "no regulars" or "no emotional involvement" isn't really a polyamory thing, since polyamory by definition means loving more than one person.
 
I am sorry you are struggling.

I wanted to lift these up...

I won't even lie...i am insecure and have a fear of losing him because he loves someone else. He has reassured me that he will never leave.
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I really want to grow from it but,like you said,i think that monogamy has been so ingrained my whole life that It's harder for me to let go of my jealousy.
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You have already moved away from monogamy.

I think what has been ingrained your whole life, is your thinking patterns or thinking habits.

my mind is giving me the practical rational side while my heart is giving me the jealousy and insecurity.
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How good are you at self-reassuring? Why jump to conclusions -- that he will leave you? When he is telling you he isn't going anywhere? What to you need to give yourself permission to believe him?

As an exercise, how about you start with that sentence...

i am insecure and have a fear of losing him because he loves someone else.
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and tack on "That would be bad because then I would have to think/do _____."

And keep on doing it until it can be done no more. What's the last sentence for you?

For instance...

"I think that if he loves someone else that would be bad. Because then I think he won't love me any more. That is bad because him not loving me means I think he'll leave. Him leaving would be bad because then I think/would have to do...

I know I'm just guessing with the example but try it on and see where it leads when you do it. What do you uncover for your stuff? What does it reveal about HOW YOU THINK?

Then you could have a clearer idea of what you could work on in terms of underlying issues.

Like challenging your thinking habit/patterns. You could challenge "he will leave me" with "Look, he has told me he isn't going anywhere. Even if he did, ok that would stink. But I can cope. I would do..."

Maybe work on self-reassurance skills and self validating skills rather than lend cognitive distortions like "jumping to conclusions" too much weight. See if that new behavior helps you become more secure in yourself.

"Jealousy" is not something to work on to me. It's just a feeling. Some feelings are fun to feel. (Happy, excited) Some are not so fun (sad, mad, scared). That just is what it is.

There will be some fun feelings in poly and some not so fun ones -- so I don't think the goal is to erase all jealousy ever or try to make rules so you never bump on jealousy as a feeling. But to try to resolve underlying issues so when that feeling is felt, its a more manageable ping rather than a big whoosh.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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