Advice for the Future: Opening a Closed Triad

phantazmagoria

phantazmagoria

New member
You guys always seem to help, for the most part, with all-things-poly, so I'm going to tell you what's going on with my poly right now, in hopes that you all might give helpful opinions.

Right now, we are 4 relationships:
Wife, Husband, Girlfriend
Wife, Girlfriend
Wife, Husband
Husband, Girlfriend.

A closed triad.

The issue that we have been talking about recently is that at some point in the future Girlfriend wants children. Before she came along, Wife and Husband never wanted any, he had a vasectomy. Now, we are kinda jumping on that bandwagon and want to be involved in helping Girlfriend raise her future kids.

We aren't sure what this looks like, how it's going to work, or what's what right now. It's all up in the air, just discussions right now.

So, how is she going to get those kids?? A husband? A baby Daddy? Artificially inseminated? Will it be possible for her to find a husband of her own that will be fine with her still maintaining our Triad? We'd have to open it up in order for her to find him. Insert fear of abandonment issues and all kinds of other "icky" emotions. Would it only be fair for him to either be involved, or have a relationship of his own outside our triad? That's kind of rhetorical.

Yes, yes, I know that the very definition of poly is just that, but emotions are emotions. She mentioned getting coffee with a guy she thinks is cute, and my heart freaked. And that's just coffee!!

We aren't sure if Wife and Husband would be "enough parents" for her to just be artificially inseminated. And not even sure how to ever know that!!

Our future seems uncertain. We don't know what it looks like, other than we want to always be together.

Any thoughts about all that? Hopefully I've made sense!!
 
What is she leaning toward at this time?

MENU A : KID
  • Sperm donor -- either artificial insemination or taking a lover for the purpose of getting pregnant and then shoo.
  • A father person -- either a friend, lover, or husband person who will be present in the raising of the bio child or adopted child
  • Adoption as a single parent.
  • Try to reverse vasectomy.
  • Something else I cannot think of right now.

MENU B: POLYSHIPPING

  • New partner is ok with polyshipping/coparenting with you guys
  • New partner is not ok polyshipping/coparenting with you guys. She bows out to be with new partner.
  • There is no new partner. Sperm donor, reverse vasectomy, or adoption route. It is all between her, you, and husband what the polyshipping/coparenting agreements will be. How your country/state laws affect you as parents. How extended relatives affect you. Nothing from a new partner in the picture.
  • Something else I cannot think of right now.

It's pick one from Menu A and Pick one from Menu B at this point. She's sorting her preferences out. Give her time/space.

When she knows... Is her preference something the rest of you can support or do not support?

Don't rush. But keep this simple and guard against leaping to conclusions and wigginz. Otherwise you give yourselves a headache.

Considering one's fitness for parenting and perhaps moving on to planning to have a child could be a joyous occasion. ;)

Galagirl
 
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Hi phantazmagoria,

I think the one question that matters right now is, What does your girlfriend want; how does she want to proceed? Nothing else can be asked or answered until you have her answer to that question.

If it comes down to adding a new partner, maybe you become a quad, and in the meantime you just deal with things one little step at a time. I don't think this is the kind of situation you'd want to figure out all at once.

That's all I got for now.
 
There is a lot to unpack here. First, do you all live together now? If so, then you will all be deeply invested in raising the child. If you and your wife never wanted kids then you should consider this first before making any decisions.

Does your girlfriend want outside partners? Maybe she is interested in dating outside the triad and this is one way to do it? The only problem is there is no guarantee that she will find someone who wants to have a baby with her in this type of 'unusual' situation (according to most of society).

You could always have a vasectomy reversal, which I've heard has a decent success rate. Alternately, you could do artificial insemination which is not super expensive in the grand scheme of fertility treatments.

I am part of a triad currently in the midst of fertility treatments, so all I can say is GOOD LUCK! ;)
 
I know we could never ever be the parents she would need us to be. I think she'll have to have a "baby's daddy" be that a husband or boyfriend or whatnot.

My biggest fear is that she'll find a husband that is not okay with her being poly, and never seeing her again.

My heart breaks every time I think about that.

And I think that her dating would drastically change our dynamic. My first instinct would be to pull away from her emotionally when she starts dating to prepare my heart for a breakup. And that seems like it will be the beginning of the end.

Sh doesn't want to move in with us now because we don't want to be co-parents with her in the future. It make sense…. dating other people while living with us could be icky. Plus, emotionally that much harder to leave when she needs to go. But I was looking forward to that.

I have no answers. I wish she didn't want to have kids. It would be so much more easier.
 
You seem to be doom thinking and fueling your sadness/stress/fear/worry. :(

The future at this point in time is unknown, but if you walk around being the Doomer of All, you might inadvertently end up creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Lean INTO it, not away. Tell her your fears, ask for reassurance. Help create the future you want. For all you know once she has your data on board, because she values you too she dates and finds a poly hubby that is compatible with all, not just her baby wishes. But she isn't a mind reader. Talk. Adjust. Look for alternatives rather than look for doom. Maybe you all move next door. Not in the same space, but closer? Could you enjoy and look forward to that?

Galagirl
 
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I agree with GalaGirl: Sure something bad *could* happen, but it does no good to act (or think) as if it already *has* happened. At the worst, if you do lose your girlfriend, you should be able to look back on happy memories and know that you loved her as much as possible for as long as you could, without casting a shadow over any of that.

It is hard to find love in this lonely world and even harder to live forever. Live each moment as if it were your last.
 
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