Advice needed - Checking on my understanding of Poly

S

StarseedDE

New member
Hello, I am new to the forum and poly. I stumpled on it by accident and was caught right away because it described my ideas how I would like to have relationships but always found something must be wrong with me because I cannot commit to only one relationship or better, why committing to only one person is seen as wrong.

So I made the step to get to know people (have no relationship, because I was scared to get into one, not being able/not allowed to have feelings for others)

Last year I met a couple that said to be poly. He was describing his vision like I had it on poly and we knew we had something.
X=woman
Y=man
They have a now 2,5year daugther and now 6months old baby twins.

The following is my story and I am wondering if I understood things wrong or if it wasn't (just) me that things got so messed up.

When I met them they were in a phase where they tried it last year and it failed shortly after because X couldnt take it. She fell into a depression. Even though she didnt like me because I got involved with her husband Y. We didnt take it far though but wanted to keep in contact, and he asked me if I could help X with depression stuff, because I know about it. Lovely person I am I did and X and I actually developed a friendship. I have been there for her for weeks while I was in a bad place as well. The relationship between Y, X and myself itensified majorly up to the point that until July of this year we became real friends. Y considered me his best friend, we talked about everything. i helped them with everything, with the kids, with money, with my time, with their relationship. I was more at their place than at mine. We did many things together, BBQ, Zoo, walks, games...

Then things got worse between them real bad. Y wanted to go back to polyamory and X freaked. They needed space from each other, but had no money or anything to get two apartments. Lovely as I am I offered Y our third room in my apartment (have a roomy I know for 14 years, male, super buddies). So he moved in the end of July with their older daughter. Tihngs improved majorly between them and X started to like the freedom and also looked for other guys. Meanwhile Y and I took it to the next level and started a relationship. X started to despise me, said she needed time.Y moved back to X in September stating he needs to be where his kids and wife are. I could accept that fine, because that what makes sense. Then X found a guy she started to see and Y freaked. Anytime X was on a date with that guy I spent the time with Y talking things through, that was how we spent our couple time, me taking care of him and his feelings. (Mind you, since X always has the twins with her, more than kissing never happened between her and that guy).

Anyways then they came up with agreements so both can handle the situation that the other has someone else, to take it step by step. I was ok with it because it started out with just leaving out sex for now. I could do worse, than they came up with not sleeping in the same bed together anymore, then Y decided to not even stay over night anymore at all. Time was limited more and more for me. Stupid me said yes, being understanding and accepting, it hurt me to get pushed away so much, things are taken away from me. They were stating either I can handle it or I can go, they cannot take me much into consideration when they do their agreements. Since I didnt want to throw away everything I stayed but became more and more depressed and frustrated. This was taken very badly.

Y stated he cannot be with me when I am in a bad mood, when we meet I need to be cheerful so he has a good feeling, so he broke it off with me. X didnt want to have me in the apartment anymore because of my negative energy. On Friday I got a text from her stating that she breaks contact with me because I am just some annoying friend of her husband. Y would like to develop the friendship between him and me again, but since I was so bad, he doesnt know if it is possible.

I lost everything so to speak. People I thought who also care about me threw me away when I felt sad and depressed, which on top of it was caused by their actions - I know it is on me to handle stuff, but well. No try to find a solution that works for all of us, like it would be normal in my understanding of polyamory and even besides that, we had a friendship, so I thought.

They state they do poly the "right" way and they have their primary relationship, everyone else involved need to give into whatever they decide and if they change things that someone is not good with they are always free to go. That to me is no comittment to care for more than one person.

So just for my own development and understanding. Am I the bad one (besides accepting everything) or is my frustration, sadness and feeling of betrayal and being pushed away valid in a sense?
Will their sense of poly work out for them that way? Is it poly or more the excuse of having fun with others and not calling it cheating?

Appreciate any input.

THanks!
 
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I am sorry things went so badly for you. Your feelings are valid and very understandable.

Their way of doing poly is not the only way, and definitely not the only "right" way. For the first, I wonder why they decided to go poly while having three so young children! Juggling multiple relationships is time and energy consuming, and one just does not have that time and energy while parenting toddlers and infants! Let alone twin babies, huh!

Take your time to heal from the experience and educate yourself about healthy ways to lead a poly life. We are out there, poly people with happy and healthy relationships. This forum has plenty of information for you, and I can also suggest "More Than Two", both the book and the website.

Many of us on this website do not buy the couple privilege thing they believe in. I for example have two nesting partners, we share a household together the three of us. We are all still open to new relationships and they may develop naturally towards any level of commitment. For practical reasons I think my maximum capacity of full-blown nesting relationships is two simultaneously.

Take good care of yourself now! I hope the future will be brighter for you.
 
I am sorry this happened.

They state they do poly the "right" way and they have their primary relationship, everyone else involved need to give into whatever they decide and if they change things that someone is not good with they are always free to go.
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It isn't "right" because there isn't one way to do poly. But that is how THEY do it.

That to me is no comittment to care for more than one person.
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Then you were trying to date people who are not compatible. Not a match.


So just for my own development and understanding. Am I the bad one (besides accepting everything) or is my frustration, sadness and feeling of betrayal and being pushed away valid in a sense?
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I could be wrong, but I think you over did it with these people. Bending over backwards to accommodate. I think that part was bad for your self care. You could not be so accepting of their terms just to remain in their orbit. Instead, you could accept things are NOT a match and let it go faster.

They were stating either I can handle it or I can go, they cannot take me much into consideration when they do their agreements. Since I didnt want to throw away everything I stayed but became more and more depressed and frustrated
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This bit sounds like you got wrapped up in sunk cost fallacy. Like "I invested so much already... maybe if I keep going it will get better" rather than cutting your losses. Could try not to do that any more.

Will their sense of poly work out for them that way? Is it poly or more the excuse of having fun with others and not calling it cheating?
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Well, to me they sound incompatible. Like wife doesn't really want to poly but the husband does and rather than break up because they are incompatible, she goes along with it but tries to be super restrictive so it ends up in "de facto" monogamy.

It doesn't really matter if it works out for them or not. What matters at this point in time is you and your healing.

If you decide to try again, make sure you talk to your potentials about what sorts of Open Models they want to practice AND how you want to break up/be broken up with if it doesn't work out.

Then you know if it is compatible or not from the beginning rather than investing in it and finding out later that you are not compatible because you want to practice different models. Or having everything changing all the time like it was here. And if it doesn't work out, hopefully you can part ways respectfully. You would think it would go without saying, but IME, it's easier to just ask what they are about in the "getting to know you time."

Galagirl
 
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Couple privilege is a real thing, and lots of people approach poly that way. I do think you were treated badly, but part of that was you refusing to step back and really evaluate how you were being treated. This wasn't a good fit for you at all. I agree that you should research the different "types" of poly and figure out moving forward, which ones are a no-go for you.
 
Thank you for the feedback so far and the link to the models.

Should have mentioned that it started out primary/primary. Y's ideal was to treat all his relationships equally which I told him would be difficult because of the kids. He stated timewise that would be true but on an emotionally bases he doesn't want to make differences.

I was ok with less time. I'm working while they are at home for the kids so it would be natural.

Why they do it with the kids? Good question. Y didn't see a problem. Since the baby twins became more and more active over the last few weeks it became more difficult, they need more attention now. Plus when I was there I took care a lot of the kids and helped with the household

I agree that I caused my own trouble by giving in so much, unable to draw lines.

However I was wondering for myself did I overreact so that it would be valid that they disconnected and blamed it on my response to their decision.
 
It sounds to me as though you were all trying to figure out how you want to do relationships. You are inexperienced and so it would seem are they. They seem not to have comminicated well and did not take into consideration how much of a drain twin babies are.

It is too bad that it was a painful learning experience for all of you but now you know yourself a little better. When you find someone else to love you will know better how to draw lines and recognize problems.

It is not kind of them to say you were in the wrong, it is not a competition with winners and losers. It just did not work. If two puzzle pieces will not fit together is one at fault? Disapointing maybe, but not right and wrong.

Leetah

Leetah
 
However I was wondering for myself did I overreact so that it would be valid that they disconnected and blamed it on my response to their decision.
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They were stating either I can handle it or I can go, they cannot take me much into consideration when they do their agreements.
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I don't think you overreacted. It is ok for you to feel frustrated, sad and betrayed. He said one thing in words (that he would consider you equal emotionally) but then did another thing in actions (NOT give you a voice in creating agreements that concern and affect you + push you away.) You learned his word is not trustworthy after all. Anyone would be bummed out in those shoes.

It's normal to feel bummed out when you come to find that people you invested in have no interest in reciprocity or mutuality and it isn't the 2 way street relationship you thought it was. They were not going to consider you at all. It was a one-way street thing there.

Nobody likes feeling used. :(

Y stated he cannot be with me when I am in a bad mood, when we meet I need to be cheerful so he has a good feeling, so he broke it off with me. X didnt want to have me in the apartment anymore because of my negative energy.
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And to add insult to injury, you cannot express your upset. You have to be "fake happy" around them so they are not inconvenienced? And do not have to deal with taking personal responsibility for how their actions affects others?

THAT is the part I think is messed up. Almost sounds like gaslighting to me. Behaving poorly toward you and then making you doubt your own perceptions and messing with your head like you did something wrong when you didn't.

Don't worry too much about whether or not it was "valid" that they disconnected. I think in the long run, you are better off not dealing with these wonky sounding people. I would like to think you would have decided you don't like how they were treating you and they are not a match after all. So you would have disconnected if they hadn't first.

Galagirl
 
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They might be doing poly right *for them*, but as others have said, there is no one "right" way to do poly. And unfortunately it sounds like they aren't doing poly "right" for you.

It is entirely possible to have the same level of emotions and consideration for more than one partner, even if you're married to one of those partners. I've been legally married to hubby for several years; we were monogamous the first few of those. But the only difference between the *level* of feelings I have for him vs. the level I have for my boyfriend is that my feelings for my husband were developed over a longer stretch of time. (My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year.)

But sometimes when a couple opens up to the possibility of other relationships, they do it in a way that boils down to "the marriage is most important, protect it at all costs," and so make decisions about other partners without the other partners' input, set rules that people have to either abide by or leave the relationship, etc. It sounds like that's what your couple has done. There isn't anything inherently wrong with that, but it seems that isn't what you signed up for, and sometimes when a couple operates that way, others end up getting hurt.
 
Hi StarseedDE,

Based on your description, it seems to me that X and Y treated you quite badly. I don't blame you for being upset, I would be too in your shoes. Far from "doing poly right," I think they made a mistake by involving themselves with poly at all, they don't have the emotional maturity for it, and with three very young kids (two infants), they were putting crazy demands on their precious stores of time and energy. Of course they may persist in practicing poly and I guess that's their call to make, but you're actually fortunate to not be a part of that.

I'm very sorry you had to go through that.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi all,

Thanks again for your comments. It helped me finding some of my self confidence again.

Y texted me today that this coming week he has two dates with new girls he has met online. I asked why he told me. He said it would be fair to let me know and we would be friends so he did was he had always done.

I am confused about this. The rule to tell when new people are met existed when we were together.

Anyways also wanted to add their ages. She is 25 and he turns 31 in a few days.

Kevin, I think you are right that they are not mature enough emotionally. I would also add they have no awareness what their actions do to others and how it effects the bigger picture. They think of themselves and what they want they want now and then.

They state they need to be selfish and need to think of themselves first which in theory is not wrong. I just think that healthy selfishness and setting boundaries is not the same to being rude, blaming others for lack of their well-being and being inconsiderate.
 
"I just think that healthy selfishness and setting boundaries is not the same as being rude, blaming others for lack of their well-being and being inconsiderate."
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I agree.

"Y texted me today that this coming week he has two dates with new girls he has met online. I asked why he told me. He said it would be fair to let me know and we would be friends so he did what he had always done."
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First of all, he's assuming you still want to be his friend. Do you? and even if you do, I think telling you whom he's seeing is strange and a little creepy. Possibly hurtful. Does he realize that? If not, he needs to pull out a penny and buy a clue.
 
They state they need to be selfish and need to think of themselves first which in theory is not wrong. I just think that healthy selfishness and setting boundaries is not the same to being rude, blaming others for lack of their well-being and being inconsiderate.
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Marshall Rosenberg calls it being "self full." That balanced place in the middle of the see-saw where you meet your needs first so you are not burning out or running on empty. Then you are free to gift others your help in meeting their needs freely and joyfully.

The tilted, unbalanced, unhealthy ends of the see-saw are:

  • Selfish = memememe! Everyone drop everything and serve me! Screw your needs.
  • Selfless = youyouyou! I drop everything to attend to you. Screw my own needs.


Y texted me today that this coming week he has two dates with new girls he has met online. I asked why he told me. He said it would be fair to let me know and we would be friends so he did was he had always done.
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"Fair" to who? Him I guess. That is what HE wants. To have you around to keep providing him with friendship supply, attention supply, or whatever else.

YOU may not want to be friends. You are now exes. So there is no need to be telling you what he is doing now or who is dating. You are no longer together. So you could tell him your new boundaries. "No need to tell me who you date. We are exes only. Not exes and still good friends. Stop calling me. If you do, you can expect me not to answer." Let it go to voicemail or block it.

You may need to firm up boundaries around him/her/them so you can be self-full and not be drained by these people.

Galagirl
 
I have to admit I have trouble kicking him out of my life. There was so much good the past year and my feelings cannot agree with reason that this just was it. That everything was just a game.

I told him he doesn't have to tell me about dates, that is when he stated it would be fair to tell me. It feels like I need to accept things changed but he is to pick what to keep up. I was even thinking if he (subconsciously) wants to keep me in his back pocket just in case.

I'm incredibly hurt that he was not willed to sort things out but kicked me instead, taking the easy way out.
 
"I was even thinking if he (subconsciously) wants to keep me in his back pocket just in case."
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That's quite conceivable.

Not that I think he's intentionally trying to hurt you, or even just use you, but I do think he is ... well, clueless. (That goes for X as well)
 
There was so much good the past year and my feelings cannot agree with reason that this just was it. That everything was just a game.
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I know. It's quite a blow. "I can't believe it!" type stuff is normal to feel. Denial is one of the first few stages of grief. And you are grieving a loss here. :(

I told him he doesn't have to tell me about dates, that is when he stated it would be fair to tell me.
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"Fair to you" would be hearing you what you want and respecting that. It sounds like you don't want to be hearing that stuff.

It feels like I need to accept things changed but he is to pick what to keep up.
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And do you like that? :confused:

I was even thinking if he (subconsciously) wants to keep me in his back pocket just in case.
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IME, user-y people like to keep back up faucets of supply. If you are willing to stick around even after poor treatment? He learns he doesn't have to treat you nice. He learns you are an easy faucet for future supply when he wants attention or whatever from you.

I could be wrong. But that's been my experience with selfish, user-y people. The whole world just is supposed to revolve around them. You are supposed to be thrilled to get to "serve." And they really are surprised when you don't want the "honor."

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl is right. These people are NOT being kind to you. Keeping in contact with him will likely bring you only pain. You deserve so much better.
 
Thanks again for your insights and the brutal truth.

I'm not feeling much better so far but I guess time will show. I still try to comprehend how this went from best friends to nothing.

Got another text yesterday where he even called me sweety again, stated that he and x both still like me very much but for protecting the family they cannot have people around that are sad and depressed, admitting that this is bad to say but that is what they decided. If I'm "normal" aka in good spirits then I would be so awesome.

I told him I'm awesome in any mood and no toy you can play with or push around as you wished.

A response was a picture from their "romantic room" theyare creating for intimate moments with their poly partners because their bed is only for them (which I find ok). And he was wondering what I thought about it and I was thinking WTF? I won't have anything to do with this room.

I think one reason I'm not able to cut the line is their older daughter. I love this kid so much, I miss her like crazy. I know I need to deal with this loss too. It's just very difficult for me. All logic and reason is clear to me and what I should do. I hope I can make it at some point.

Thanks for all your advice and good words. It is much appreciated.
 
I am very glad you told them you are not a toy.

Sending you pictures of their "romantic room" in response is totally inappropriate. What's the matter with him? :mad:

I encourage you to firmly DETACH. I think you might have to block the number and not respond at all. Because if he wants attention, even negative attention will do. Attention is attention. And if you are busy responding, he's got it.

Galagirl
 
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