I need some help and advice defining exactly what it is that is going on in my head and my heart. Too often I feel like I'm just this chaotic jumble of emotion, and other perspectives are really helpful to me in sorting that out. I suspect that I need to make some modifications in how I handle things--in other words, there is an opportunity here for personal growth. But also, I need to communicate better within my "poly group" and to do that clearly, I want to get clearer in my own head about what it is I want to communicate.
I've posted before, but briefly, I am a part of a quad made up of two married couple.
My husband Jay and I (Em) - in our mid/late 40s, married very young 25+ years ago
The other couple is L (him) and K (her) - mid 40s, married 15+ years
Our quad just celebrated 3 years together. The relationship began as what we intended to just be experimentation with swinging. But we fell for each other very quickly and have been exclusive since we met.
While we've had some experimentation with F/F, same room, and group sex, none of that has happened for well over a year now. These days we tend to break into two separate M/F groups and seek privacy. The two men get along well, but aren't best friends. They don't have much in common and their interaction with each other is more like brothers. The same with K and I. We get along well, kind of like sisters, but in other circumstances we would never be best friends. That said, the 4 of us together are awesome and we have so much fun together - traveling together and all sorts of recreational activities.
We live 1.5 hours away from each other. We've tried multiple times to move closer and came very close to making that a reality last summer, but it didn't ultimately work out. My husband and I are finally (this week, actually) moving to a home 50 minutes from them. Still not as close as we would all like, but closer. We usually manage to see each other at least one or two days each week, and usually with one or two overnights per week.
Our dynamics:
Jay and I are going through a bit of a rocky period in our marriage. We both love each other very much but are having trouble keeping the "spark" alive and now that we are empty-nesters without the daily parenting concerns, are beginning to recognize and acknowledge that we have very different interests and approaches to life. This is a bit hard for us because we have always been very close and done everything together. We won't split up. We agree on that. We love each other deeply. But we are trying to negotiate and work out some sort of arrangement that will satisfy us both while still keeping the door open to at least try to get that intimate spark back.
L and I - We have so much in common and an incredible emotional, spiritual, and sexual connection. We talk daily, numerous times and throughout the day. The NRE finally mellowed (good thing, because it consumed us for a while) but it took a couple of years, and we have been left with this very close, very passionate, very loving relationship. We have very similar approaches to life and many of the same interests.
L and K - Their marriage is quite different from mine and Jay's. They get along well, love each other, are great parents together...but they each are very comfortable with their individuality. They enjoy their time together but have no problem doing things separately either. I've rarely seen any jealousy or insecurity on either of their parts in regards to the other.
Jay and K - They care about each other and have fun together. Lately, outside of our time together as a quad, they usually talk once a week. They had intense NRE for a while too, but that cooled and they were left with what appears to me to be more of a close friendship/casual dating relationship rather than the intense passionate relationship that L and I have. In my opinion, they aren't really compatible together to have more than that casual relationship.
My current anxiety:
I fear that things are really cooling between Jay and K. They talk infrequently and neither one of them seems to have much sexual interest in the other anymore (honestly, Jay's libido in general seems to be gone, so there may be something else going on too). Meanwhile, my relationship with L is still intensely passionate. I can't imagine NOT having him in my life and he tells me he feels the same about me.
I have other personal and professional interests that take up my time during the week, but I LOVE the time we all spend together one or two days each week and I don't want to give that up. But it is starting to seem more and more that Jay and K have "other things" to do and it is starting to seem like they would rather be doing those other things than spending the time together. And this is beginning to be a source of tension because too often L and I end up being the schemers and the planners and maybe even manipulating things a bit, so that we still get our time together.
Meanwhile, I'm starting to get more and more anxious and insecure about the above scenario and I'm scared that somehow L an I are going to get ripped apart against our will. The end result: I am becoming a manipulative person when it comes to Jay and K and a whiny, needy person when it comes to L, and I don't like ANY of that. That is NOT the person I want to be.
Jay and I have had long talks and he knows how I feel about L. I have always been very honest with him. After a recent episode with L in which all sorts of unattractive insecurities (on my part) came out, I've asked him to make some time for he and I to talk about all this too. I've also said that I really think the 4 of us should sit down and have a heart-to-heart conversation about where things are and where they are going.
One of the problems is that Jay and K aren't really acknowledging any of the cooling between them. They are just kind of going with the flow and neither seems too worried or concerned by it. So I don't really know that it is my place to verbally call them out on it. But it really affects L and I and our relationship, so maybe it is??
The other big problem is this: given the quad formation of our group, if that quad breaks down, is there any hope? Or is it inevitable that L and I would have to split up? If not, how would we structure things and how would that work?
Bottom line: I've asked for time to talk all this through, but I don't even know how to approach it and what, if anything, to ask for that would help ease my anxiety and insecurity.
Ugh. Help me sort this out?? I'm open to criticism, perspective, suggestions, whatever.
I've posted before, but briefly, I am a part of a quad made up of two married couple.
My husband Jay and I (Em) - in our mid/late 40s, married very young 25+ years ago
The other couple is L (him) and K (her) - mid 40s, married 15+ years
Our quad just celebrated 3 years together. The relationship began as what we intended to just be experimentation with swinging. But we fell for each other very quickly and have been exclusive since we met.
While we've had some experimentation with F/F, same room, and group sex, none of that has happened for well over a year now. These days we tend to break into two separate M/F groups and seek privacy. The two men get along well, but aren't best friends. They don't have much in common and their interaction with each other is more like brothers. The same with K and I. We get along well, kind of like sisters, but in other circumstances we would never be best friends. That said, the 4 of us together are awesome and we have so much fun together - traveling together and all sorts of recreational activities.
We live 1.5 hours away from each other. We've tried multiple times to move closer and came very close to making that a reality last summer, but it didn't ultimately work out. My husband and I are finally (this week, actually) moving to a home 50 minutes from them. Still not as close as we would all like, but closer. We usually manage to see each other at least one or two days each week, and usually with one or two overnights per week.
Our dynamics:
Jay and I are going through a bit of a rocky period in our marriage. We both love each other very much but are having trouble keeping the "spark" alive and now that we are empty-nesters without the daily parenting concerns, are beginning to recognize and acknowledge that we have very different interests and approaches to life. This is a bit hard for us because we have always been very close and done everything together. We won't split up. We agree on that. We love each other deeply. But we are trying to negotiate and work out some sort of arrangement that will satisfy us both while still keeping the door open to at least try to get that intimate spark back.
L and I - We have so much in common and an incredible emotional, spiritual, and sexual connection. We talk daily, numerous times and throughout the day. The NRE finally mellowed (good thing, because it consumed us for a while) but it took a couple of years, and we have been left with this very close, very passionate, very loving relationship. We have very similar approaches to life and many of the same interests.
L and K - Their marriage is quite different from mine and Jay's. They get along well, love each other, are great parents together...but they each are very comfortable with their individuality. They enjoy their time together but have no problem doing things separately either. I've rarely seen any jealousy or insecurity on either of their parts in regards to the other.
Jay and K - They care about each other and have fun together. Lately, outside of our time together as a quad, they usually talk once a week. They had intense NRE for a while too, but that cooled and they were left with what appears to me to be more of a close friendship/casual dating relationship rather than the intense passionate relationship that L and I have. In my opinion, they aren't really compatible together to have more than that casual relationship.
My current anxiety:
I fear that things are really cooling between Jay and K. They talk infrequently and neither one of them seems to have much sexual interest in the other anymore (honestly, Jay's libido in general seems to be gone, so there may be something else going on too). Meanwhile, my relationship with L is still intensely passionate. I can't imagine NOT having him in my life and he tells me he feels the same about me.
I have other personal and professional interests that take up my time during the week, but I LOVE the time we all spend together one or two days each week and I don't want to give that up. But it is starting to seem more and more that Jay and K have "other things" to do and it is starting to seem like they would rather be doing those other things than spending the time together. And this is beginning to be a source of tension because too often L and I end up being the schemers and the planners and maybe even manipulating things a bit, so that we still get our time together.
Meanwhile, I'm starting to get more and more anxious and insecure about the above scenario and I'm scared that somehow L an I are going to get ripped apart against our will. The end result: I am becoming a manipulative person when it comes to Jay and K and a whiny, needy person when it comes to L, and I don't like ANY of that. That is NOT the person I want to be.
Jay and I have had long talks and he knows how I feel about L. I have always been very honest with him. After a recent episode with L in which all sorts of unattractive insecurities (on my part) came out, I've asked him to make some time for he and I to talk about all this too. I've also said that I really think the 4 of us should sit down and have a heart-to-heart conversation about where things are and where they are going.
One of the problems is that Jay and K aren't really acknowledging any of the cooling between them. They are just kind of going with the flow and neither seems too worried or concerned by it. So I don't really know that it is my place to verbally call them out on it. But it really affects L and I and our relationship, so maybe it is??
The other big problem is this: given the quad formation of our group, if that quad breaks down, is there any hope? Or is it inevitable that L and I would have to split up? If not, how would we structure things and how would that work?
Bottom line: I've asked for time to talk all this through, but I don't even know how to approach it and what, if anything, to ask for that would help ease my anxiety and insecurity.
Ugh. Help me sort this out?? I'm open to criticism, perspective, suggestions, whatever.
