Advice needed please

[vampiresscammy]

So here is the rundown, Hubby and I will be together 17 years this fall, we are awesome, we communicate very well, and are best friends, I was poly earlier in our marriage, had a bf and gf, she died, he broke up with me, and for a few years it was just hubby and I, now I've been feeling the desire and need for a close friendship/relationship with another guy.

Most our friends are either not poly (that I'm aware of) or not what I'm looking for (fwb, too casual, no attraction there) ewith one exception, my hubby's best friend R. They've known eash other since their early school days. Best friends always, almost as close as brothers.

R and I do not talk much, hes rather quiet/reserved. I've had a crush on him off and on over the years, but he was married, seeing someone or I thought my hubby would mind us seeing if we clicked. Well, hubby and I discussed it, he is okay with the idea.

Heres where it gets tricky, R is divorced, I know his ex cheated on him, and several years ago when we sort of kinda discussed poly he looked at me like I sprouted a second head. Fast forward to now, the feelings are there again, I am very drawn to him, but I am very unsure how he feels about me. We went out for a lunch a couples weeks ago and I tried getting a general answer without being too specific of whom he was interested in dating, if anyone. He mentioned he did like a married lady friend but said something along the lines of "I'm not going there". But heres the thing he was grinning at me the whole time he said it, so I'm very perplexed.

He changed the subject by saying he was not really looking for a relationship and wants to focus on his kids. So we just talked about other stuff. Since then, I have been so confused, not sure if he was hinting at wanting to know its okay first? not sure if it was me he was referring to? trying my best to just put it away and respect him saying hes not interested in a relationship right now, but how do you just tell your feelings to get lost?

I am much more concerned about keeping him as my friend than fessing up making him all uncomfortable and risking him not wanting to talk to me at all. I think what I really want is for him and I to just be closer, if just emotionally, but I don't know how to open up to him without making it come off as flirtatious.

R has always been a puzzle to me, we do not have a whole lot in common, so when we do talk is fairly limited. I'm terrified if I tell him exactly how I feel he will simply stop talking to me, and I don't want that, I don't want to push him away or force feelings on him he does not want.

Confused, frustrated and worried.

 

[graviton]

Just talk to him more about things other than sex and relationships. DO NOT approach him for poly. YOU WILL destroy your and your husbands friendship with him if you pursue him.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

Here's your internal conflict from what I can see --

I think what I really want is for him and I to just be closer, if just emotionally, but I don't know how to open up to him without making it come off as flirtatious.

vs

I'm terrified if I tell him exactly how I feel he will simply stop talking to me, and I don't want that, I don't want to push him away or force feelings on him he does not want.

If you want to create emotional intimacy you share your vulnerable stuff. And find out nothing horrible happens when you do. But you are afraid to share the vulnerable stuff, so you aren't building the emotional intimacy you want.

So... you kinda have to make up your mind how invested you are in being emotionally open with him or not. It's not a fence sitter -- you either do or you don't.

As for telling him you find him attractive, I think you are working yourself up more than it needs to be. Something simple like --

"R, I want to pay you a compliment and I hope you take it as one. I know you don't want to date right now and are focusing on the kids and I totally respect that. But I want you to know I think you are an interesting, attractive person and I would date you. I don't think people get enough compliments -- so I wanted to give you one." ​

There. He knows without you being over the top flirty. A simple compliment.

Galagirl

 

[Marcus]

I am very drawn to him, but I am very unsure how he feels about me. We went out for a lunch a couples weeks ago and I tried getting a general answer without being too specific of whom he was interested in dating, if anyone. He mentioned he did like a married lady friend but said something along the lines of "I'm not going there". But heres the thing he was grinning at me the whole time he said it, so I'm very perplexed.

Does this tell you that the hinting and nudging is working? Or does it tell you that hinting and nudging is just adding confusion to the mix?

If you want a clear answer, the most efficient way to get it is to ask a clear question.

I am much more concerned about keeping him as my friend than fessing up making him all uncomfortable and risking him not wanting to talk to me at all.

This runs in conflict with everything else you have said in this post. You may want to take a look at this and determine if that is actually your biggest concern.

If your biggest concern is to remain good friends with him then you would drop this whole "interest" thing altogether, right? But you haven't and don't seem to want to. Being honest with yourself should be your first priority.

I think what I really want is for him and I to just be closer, if just emotionally, but I don't know how to open up to him without making it come off as flirtatious.

If you just want to be friends then be his friend. It's not difficult, just think of all of the other friendships you've had in your life and do that. Why would he think you're flirting with him? ... is it because you are flirting with him?

 

[SchrodingersCat]

I *love* the way GG put it. That compliment was so direct, and yet non-confrontational, all at the same time. Opens the door for him returning the feeling as mutual, or allows the door to be closed if that's the furthest thing from his mind.

A lot of people have a "messy list" (more GG terminology) of people they'd rather not have in their poly web. For me, it's my BFF. It's basically people that are in your life that if a relationship happens and then gets messy, it can screw up other relationships around you.

Since your hubby and R are best friends, that would make him a strong candidate. Then it becomes a question of how your husband really feels about it. Did he give his blessing just because he doesn't want to tell you what to do? Or does he genuinely not mind at all? What kind of fallout plan do you have for if the relationship turns ugly, so that you don't mess up the friendship between R and hubby?

I don't think it's a given that dating R will ruin their friendship. I think it depends on how good everyone is at being a level-headed adult about things, accepting responsibility for their own parts, and not being hurtful to others.

But if it were me, if I was even the slightest bit concerned about ruining the friendship, I would step away. It's not easy, but you *can* turn off your feelings. Not overnight, it takes some time and conscious effort. But you can stop looking at people romantically and look at them platonically.

 

[vampiresscammy]

Thank you all for the advice, I think I am definitely not prepared for all the ways this could end badly, and perhaps I am just seeing/hearing things I want to see.

If I can't find the confidence to tell him how I feel, perhaps that is my gut telling me this is a bad idea.

Anyways, thank you all for listening and the advice, for now just going to enjoy R and my friendship and find something else to focus on.

 

[graviton]

Thank you all for the advice, I think I am definitely not prepared for all the ways this could end badly, and perhaps I am just seeing/hearing things I want to see.

If I can't find the confidence to tell him how I feel, perhaps that is my gut telling me this is a bad idea.

Anyways, thank you all for listening and the advice, for now just going to enjoy R and my friendship and find something else to focus on.

Wise choice. I applaud you. I wish I had done the same.

 

[GalaGirl]

Sounds like you have decided and are off the fence. Now that you have decided, the feelings will have a chance to catch up. Hopefully once they do you can feel more at peace.

Hang in there!
GG