Advice needed, Want to propose but poly!

S

SB2018

New member
Hi everyone, I'm looking for some people that may be in a similar situation to myself or have some opinions or advice that might be helpful to me.

I'm a 24 yo, pansexual female and I'm in a mono relationship with a 27yo pansexual guy. We both consider ourselves to be poly and I've had 2 poly relationships before. My partner has never been allowed to explore this before because his previous partners haven't allowed it so he's very excited that this could be a potential part of his future that he now has the option to explore.

Things between us are going SO well, so well in fact that I'm considering proposing to him. I've never been in love like this before and I want to share the rest of my life with him! Just as I was beginning to make plans and consider it properly, we started talking about marriage and how we can't decide how it fits into our future of a couple that may eventually meet another person or other people to share our relationship with. I guess in many ways I'm quite the traditionalist and getting married has always been a part of future that I've not imagined giving up before. The importance of marriage is less strong for him and he would happily not get married (poly or not).

I think our ultimate concern is that it might make our relationship look more important than the other relationships that might exist between ourselves and others. Additionally, you can only get married once, so any future partners would not be able to marry us (unless in an unofficial ceremony).
I would really love to hear from couples who were perhaps married before they entered a poly relationship or who are in the same situation as me.
I may not have explained myself very clearly so happy to answer questions! thanks in advance, so glad there is somewhere like this to come to access the beautiful brains of all you wonderful poly humans!
 
Without a pressing legal reason to do so, I wouldn’t get legally married if you know you are poly. It does create a weird situation when you — later on down the line — find another partner you want to marry as well. I’d personally just rather have two marriages that are equivalent in the eyes of the law — even if both of them are not really recognized. And the institution of marriage makes other people assume certain things about your relationship. Knowing only the tiniest piece of information about your relationship (that you have a spouse), people assume you are monogamous, living together, planning to have children with each other (if at all), share finances, etc. If I could erase all these assumptions from the collective mind of my friends and family, I would.

I’ve already been married for 8 years, but now that I am poly sometimes I even think about getting a legal divorce from my husband just so that I don’t have to deal with the assumptions that are put on the table by us being legally married. I expect that most others would disagree with me, but if you know you are poly I would steer clear of marriage and just focus on creating the kinds of connections/entwinedness that you want with your partner.

Nothing to say you can’t have an awesome commitment ceremony! I would just steer clear of legal marriage if I had the chance to do it all over again.
 
Nowadays there's no reason to get legally married.

The only reason that I am legally married is to be on Butch's health insurance and for me to receive his pension if he passes before I do.

That's it.

Have a commitment ceremony without the paperwork. But check local laws first.
 
Another reason to not get married (besides being very young) is that it is harder for poly men to find people to date (unless he's going to exclusively date other men) when they are married. It's a new concept to most women, and we have guys here say that most women assume they are cheating (because so many skeevy married men do lie about it).
 
Honestly, I think it's up to you and your partner. This isn't really something you can or should seek advice on. Like any situation you should communicate to your partner that you want that. I've always wanted to get married and my solution to that now is if I find the right person/people you can still do that and just not do it legally. I don't think you should get your hopes crushed from people telling you no on here. Just talk to your partner and see what happens. Good luck!
 
I had a "commitment ceremony" with my partner. We exchanged rings. Both our close families and friends were present. We also later had a conversation that affirmed our commitment to each other. His parents (who are very traditional) accepted this in the place of a proper marriage and his mother considers me as her daughter-in-law. But we are not legally married, nor are there any plans to do so - unless it is for including my son on his health insurance or him being able to retain custody of my son whom he loves as his own in the event something happens to me or other practical/legal issues where live in relationships are not considered "official" enough. So far, other than the legal right to get custody of my son if something happens to me (they have no legally recognized relationship whatsoever, so he would be at the mercy of my ex-husband and kid's biological father who can be an ass) there is no other reason we have found to think marriage necessary - everything else can be managed with proper nominations and will, etc.

The son thing too can be managed with a legal adoption, and we are considering that.
 
Hello SB2018,

My partner and my metamour are legally married to each other. This is not a problem for me. The three of us all consider each other to be primary partners, no secondaries. So, I know it can work at least in some cases (like mine). Although you have to consider, none of us are looking for anyone new to date. [shrug] I can only tell you my own story ... I hope it helps.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I am planning to marry my female co-primary partner mainly to gain residency when I move to the country in which my partners live.

If not for the red-tape and legalities involved, I would probably have a commitment ceremony of some kind with each of my partners separately, and perhaps some kind of unofficial shared ceremony or celebration including all of us. (My two partners aren't in a relationship with each other, but together, we three form a closed V.)
 
I'd just like to add that, while Cat and I weren't legally married, we lived as though we were. People still made those assumptions.

If you don't get legally married make sure you draw up the proper paperwork, such as wills, medical power of attorney, etc.
 
There's nothing wrong with NRE unless life-changing decisions are made either on the basis of the NRE or while whacked out of one's skull on it.

Marriage is a life-changing event -- at least, you say so yourself.

And fully half your post is a fairly typical illustration of the "whacked out" part. :eek:

You neglect to tell us how long you've known each other. Or how long you've been "a couple." Or how much time you actually spend together. Or how long you've been living together & learning just how irritating intimate roommates can often be. :D

The couplism is rampant throughout, calling to question whether you have had much experience at all with polyamory.

You use PC terms (e.g., pansexual) that seem to be wishful thinking. There's MUCH difference between "sounds interesting, maybe, eventually" & "I have sex fantasies about it" & "I've tried it once or twice" & "I live it every day." I doubt your boyfriend will actually be polyamorous until he is trying to balance at least two "most important" intimate relationships.

SB2018 said:
My partner has never been allowed to explore this before because his previous partners haven't allowed it so he's very excited that this could be a potential part of his future that he now has the option to explore.
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I missed something, apparently. How is it that you see declaring yourselves under law to be a permanent dyad as somehow necessary (or even desirable) to make him "poly"...?

In sum, if you want to "live polyamorously," then DO NOT marry until the brain chemicals have settled down. Living together in a small apartment for a year often aids that realism. :)

If you want to be a twitterpated "traditional" girl & later try to shoehorn other sexual partners into your "marriage+1" plans, that is your choice to make, but it's straying somewhat away from actual polyamory, beginning from the fact you WILL have to ignore opportunities to view your husband & yourself & your dyad objectively, at least until everything is so cemented in place (for example, a registered marriage license, shared tax reporting, shared debt) that neither of you can easily escape.
 
SB2018 said:
Hi everyone, I'm looking for some people that may be in a similar situation to myself or have some opinions or advice that might be helpful to me.

I'm a 24 yo, pansexual female and I'm in a mono relationship with a 27yo pansexual guy. We both consider ourselves to be poly and I've had 2 poly relationships before. My partner has never been allowed to explore this before because his previous partners haven't allowed it so he's very excited that this could be a potential part of his future that he now has the option to explore.

Things between us are going SO well, so well in fact that I'm considering proposing to him. I've never been in love like this before and I want to share the rest of my life with him! Just as I was beginning to make plans and consider it properly, we started talking about marriage and how we can't decide how it fits into our future of a couple that may eventually meet another person or other people to share our relationship with. I guess in many ways I'm quite the traditionalist and getting married has always been a part of future that I've not imagined giving up before. The importance of marriage is less strong for him and he would happily not get married (poly or not).

I think our ultimate concern is that it might make our relationship look more important than the other relationships that might exist between ourselves and others. Additionally, you can only get married once, so any future partners would not be able to marry us (unless in an unofficial ceremony).
I would really love to hear from couples who were perhaps married before they entered a poly relationship or who are in the same situation as me.
I may not have explained myself very clearly so happy to answer questions! thanks in advance, so glad there is somewhere like this to come to access the beautiful brains of all you wonderful poly humans!
Click to expand...

All of your concerns are perfectly valid. Legal marriage is in every jurisdiction that I know of is legally defined in no uncertain terms as monogamous. Here in Canada for example it's "The union of two people to the exclusion of all others."

There is a contingent who thinks legal definitions and swearing an oath to be monogamous before a congregation of family and friends and possibly God is irrelevant. I'm not one of them. I think that it makes those who do it hypocrites and that those who offhandedly dismiss this criticism are self-servingly biased and shallow. If one is going to make such a promise they should damned well honor it. You could certainly count on me to do so if I were to make that promise.

Legal marriage as described above is something that not only contradicts the core principles of polyamory, it's also at odds fundamental nature as a species. It means that making that monogamous promise at the altar ( and make no mistake - that's exactly what it is ) is a lie to one's self first and by extension to your partner. If you truly love him that's the last thing you need to get yourselves into, no matter how attractive the Disneyfication of the ritual is.

My last life-partner and I were together 23 years until she lost her life to cancer. We never legally married but that never detracted from our relationship for a moment, and we truly lived-up to the phrase "'till death do us part". Many marriages cannot claim the same. On top of that, Easton and Hardy ( The Ethical Slut ) clearly say that if they had their way they'd do away with marriage and use legal contracts to fill-in the gaps.

The bottom line is that if you have something amazing, don't ruin it with marriage. It might be fun to imagine all the fanfare and fantasy. But it's ultimately a façade that is mono-culture's big-gun in promoting mono socialization. Why willingly invite that into your relationship when there are other ways to celebrate your love? All that being said, your sentiment that you want to marry is beautiful, and it's natural to gravitate toward the most common and highly romanticized outlet for your feelings.

That's what they count on to perpetuate the institution.

Complete Explanation here: Polyamory & Marriage
 
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Given your young age, I'm guessing you haven't been with your partner for more than a couple of years. And you both are interested in poly, but you haven't actually tried to practice poly together.

If and when you do, you may find:
1) That it doesn't work for one of you, but the other really wants it, in which case you may stay friends but not stay in a romantic relationship; or
2) That there is more of a need for the perks of marriage (health insurance; legal responsibility for children; bonus or penalty for dual-income households; inheritance) in one of your other relationships than in your current one.

I was lucky enough to have a completely amicable divorce, and to be able to draft and file all the legal paperwork myself, so no lawyer fees. Even so, it was a pain. I agree with others that a commitment ceremony, without legal marriage, seems likely a more appropriate step at this stage of your relationship.

I also agree that one or both of you, especially him, may have a harder time finding new partners if you are married. People may assume that you have a primary-secondary model (it sounds like you don't want to in theory, but you may be surprised what happens in practice) and steer clear for that reason. It's possible for the marriage to be just a piece of paper with certain practical consequences, and not a symbol of who you put first, but I'm not sure that's common. Since you haven't practiced poly together yet, you don't really know what your poly styles are. Maybe figure that out before adding the wrinkle of a legal marriage.
 
dragonette said:
It's possible for the marriage to be just a piece of paper with certain practical consequences, and not a symbol of who you put first, but I'm not sure that's common.
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It can be done, as I've done it. However, Annie & I were living together in a poly network for three years beforehand, & our big motivator was a significant boost in pay while Annie was gone for most of a year (plus, at the time, the state didn't tax military pay). She might as easily have married her girlfriend instead if it'd been legal at the time.

But ending the contract was still a bit of a PITA, what with two children & a couple of properties. Looking back, we would've been better off divorcing when she left the Army & before our first kid was born. Still & all, it wasn't particularly terrible.
 
SB2018 said:
We started talking about marriage and how we can't decide how it fits into our future of a couple that may eventually meet another person or other people to share our relationship with. I guess in many ways I'm quite the traditionalist and getting married has always been a part of future that I've not imagined giving up before. The importance of marriage is less strong for him and he would happily not get married (poly or not).
Click to expand...

That's a great start. Continue discussing what marriage means to you (and to him) and what you would expect and want out of being married. Explore what assumptions you may have about what marriage is to each of you. You mentioned wanting to share the rest of your life with him -- a life commitment. Does he see marriage the same way? What else (to you) is part of marriage? There are a lot of differing ideas what is part of marriage and what is not. Discuss what your agreements would be, how you would divvy up household duties, whether its okay to invite friends and partners into your shared spaces, etc. etc.

Depending on how far into your relationship you are, do exercise some caution. Don't underestimate the impact of new relationship energy (NRE) on your decision-making.

SB2018 said:
I think our ultimate concern is that it might make our relationship look more important than the other relationships that might exist between ourselves and others.
Click to expand...

It might initially, but what will be more informative to future partners is how they are treated. If a given participant makes a fair effort to meet their agreements with each of their partners, then they will usually feel as equals. Staying in communication about changes in plans, needs, etc. is important. There may be times when they don't, those are the times when extra communication is needed within the polycule.

SB2018 said:
I would really love to hear from couples who were perhaps married before they entered a poly relationship.
Click to expand...

My partner is married but treats myself and my metamour fairly, I don't believe either of us think of ourselves as being less important. I felt that way perhaps the first year or two when our relationship was new, but I don't feel that way now.

ak.
 
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