Advice Needed - first poly relationship having issues
Let me start off by saying I’m new: both here and to polyamory. Though I have been with my secondary for about a year, I still feel very new and this is my first real experience with polyamory.
I may have accidentally caused a problem, and I’m not sure what to do and don’t have many other friends to talk to about polyamory relationship issues so here I am.
I told my secondary partner about some passive-aggressive posts his primary was posting online that were pretty obviously about him, because I was getting concerned about her needing space with just him due to what was obviously an increased decline in her mental health (they have had a lot of life changes recently, specifically her changing her entire career path and not working while things are changing has been hard on her) and because I felt like I was lying to him seeing the posts and not saying anything. I didn’t realize he would be so upset that she had been posting things, and even then, I didn’t think it was wrong for me to voice my concern and explain that I felt like I was becoming unwelcome in their home because of her general attitude and these posts.
Anyway, she lied about even making the posts and when pressed changed her story to them being about her secondary partner. However, her secondary partner is monogamous, and these posts were venting about her partner flirting with other woman and not spending enough time with just her…and in private conversations with her she had mentioned those things to me as well. I was honest when I told him, I told him what they said (when he asked, because at first I only mentioned that there had been passive posts made that contributed to my concerns) and that they didn’t use names, just “partner” and while I feel they were about him I don’t know for sure and recognize that. So, he’s hurt and not sure who to trust and I’m upset he’s hurting because that obviously wasn’t my intention and I feel as though I told the whole truth as I had it and he’s pulled back into himself a lot, so he hasn’t been able to be a partner for me or be there for me, and the next day she asked for some gifts back. I gave them back and am giving him his space though it’s hard talking so little and barely seeing him at all…especially I shut down my social media for a bit because as this happened some family things came up; so, I’m particularly feeling the lack of support he can’t give right now. Then there’s the fact that when I turned it on, in less than 24 hours she’s made a few posts about polyamory and how happy she is with her two partners and how they get along, which is very unlike her and almost feels like she’s trying to rub something in my face?
Between the posts and her behavior, I feel sort of like I was manipulated and that she’s trying to push me out and I don’t know why? We’ve had a solid and open friendship, so I thought, and have been able to talk about things since even before my relationship with him began about a year ago. She’s never had a problem coming to me to ask for space before, or any other concerns she is having, and she was very nurturing at first in our relationship and helped me understand polyamory and research it while I decided if it was something that would work for me and be healthy for me. So, I feel very cut off and confused and I feel like I can’t approach her anymore without causing more problems and I’m not sure what I did wrong or what to do going forward other than let him heal a bit and come back to me when he’s ready and see how she’s doing at that point? Or maybe when he’s healed and comes to me I must talk to them both? I’m not sure.
Any advice is welcome. I don’t have a lot of foothold in any poly community yet and am not sure who else to turn to. My primary has been wonderfully amazing and loving to help me through this because I’m hurting a lot now at the sudden cut from their lives and the confusion over how it escalated to this point and where do I go from here.
Let me start off by saying I’m new: both here and to polyamory. Though I have been with my secondary for about a year, I still feel very new and this is my first real experience with polyamory.
I may have accidentally caused a problem, and I’m not sure what to do and don’t have many other friends to talk to about polyamory relationship issues so here I am.
I told my secondary partner about some passive-aggressive posts his primary was posting online that were pretty obviously about him, because I was getting concerned about her needing space with just him due to what was obviously an increased decline in her mental health (they have had a lot of life changes recently, specifically her changing her entire career path and not working while things are changing has been hard on her) and because I felt like I was lying to him seeing the posts and not saying anything. I didn’t realize he would be so upset that she had been posting things, and even then, I didn’t think it was wrong for me to voice my concern and explain that I felt like I was becoming unwelcome in their home because of her general attitude and these posts.
Anyway, she lied about even making the posts and when pressed changed her story to them being about her secondary partner. However, her secondary partner is monogamous, and these posts were venting about her partner flirting with other woman and not spending enough time with just her…and in private conversations with her she had mentioned those things to me as well. I was honest when I told him, I told him what they said (when he asked, because at first I only mentioned that there had been passive posts made that contributed to my concerns) and that they didn’t use names, just “partner” and while I feel they were about him I don’t know for sure and recognize that. So, he’s hurt and not sure who to trust and I’m upset he’s hurting because that obviously wasn’t my intention and I feel as though I told the whole truth as I had it and he’s pulled back into himself a lot, so he hasn’t been able to be a partner for me or be there for me, and the next day she asked for some gifts back. I gave them back and am giving him his space though it’s hard talking so little and barely seeing him at all…especially I shut down my social media for a bit because as this happened some family things came up; so, I’m particularly feeling the lack of support he can’t give right now. Then there’s the fact that when I turned it on, in less than 24 hours she’s made a few posts about polyamory and how happy she is with her two partners and how they get along, which is very unlike her and almost feels like she’s trying to rub something in my face?
Between the posts and her behavior, I feel sort of like I was manipulated and that she’s trying to push me out and I don’t know why? We’ve had a solid and open friendship, so I thought, and have been able to talk about things since even before my relationship with him began about a year ago. She’s never had a problem coming to me to ask for space before, or any other concerns she is having, and she was very nurturing at first in our relationship and helped me understand polyamory and research it while I decided if it was something that would work for me and be healthy for me. So, I feel very cut off and confused and I feel like I can’t approach her anymore without causing more problems and I’m not sure what I did wrong or what to do going forward other than let him heal a bit and come back to me when he’s ready and see how she’s doing at that point? Or maybe when he’s healed and comes to me I must talk to them both? I’m not sure.
Any advice is welcome. I don’t have a lot of foothold in any poly community yet and am not sure who else to turn to. My primary has been wonderfully amazing and loving to help me through this because I’m hurting a lot now at the sudden cut from their lives and the confusion over how it escalated to this point and where do I go from here.
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