Advice Needed...

M

mandersdawn

New member
I've been really struggling lately. We are in a triad. The guy I have been with for four years and has been emotionally abusive in the past (but stopped when I told him that wasn't going to fly), is slipping back into it and he seems really jealous of the new relationship I am forming with our long distance partner. (He is a truck driver and she has a child, so most of our interaction is on Facebook messenger so when he's working, I'm typing for and reading to him.) But then at nights he hasn't been talking to her either but still gets jealous... and he calls me crazy when I try to talk about it with him.

We have only been in this relationship for a month so I can see where he is still trying to wrap his mind around it (also, girlfriend and I were really close friends before and so we are further onto our relationship where they are in the getting to know you stages). He is good about communication with most other areas, but I just can't get him to talk to me about this....

Has anyone else ever had this problem? Any advice??
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I'm not sure what your desired outcome is here. So hard to give feedback.

You seem to identify the jealousy issue as the main problem. Like "how can I get him not to be jealous?" Where I think the emotional abuse is the main (and larger!) problem. If he's abusing you, this is NOT a healthy or loving sounding relationship to stay in.

What is your desired outcome here? Could you be willing to clarify?

Galagirl
 
My desired outcome would be for him to communicate more about the jealousy because I feel like that is why he is going back to his old ways. And I can't stay with him if he's going to be constantly belittling me, that I do know. I do agree that is the biggest issue and one that I am wondering if he will ever truly overcome.
 
That is not an outcome you can control. You can ask him to communicate more about the jealousy. (You have done that.) He is not willing to do it. HE is in charge of his willingness to dislcose or not. You cannot MAKE him. Since his willingness to disclose is out of your control? And he isn't making any move to change that? I think you could make your next choices based on nothing changing on his end. Just not willing.

What would you pick then?

  • How long are YOU willing to wait fto see if his "not willing" changes to "willing?"
  • How long is "waited long enough, I am moving on" for you?

Those parts ARE in your control. You can identify what those time limits are to yourself.

You seem to know your line in the sand about leaving him. If he keeps behaving this way you are not up for it. It also seems like his post is more about expressing that disappointment / anticipatory sadness maybe? :confused:

Galagirl
 
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Hi mandersdawn,

You already told him the emotional abuse wasn't going to fly, yet here he is slipping back into it. You would actually be breaking your word if you let it fly this time around.

You want him to talk to you about his jealousy. My vote is to tell him that if he doesn't talk to you about his jealousy, you're going to leave him. And keep your word.

Don't know if that helps, but there's my 2¢.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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