Advice on how to be considered for poly relationship.

[Bronaives]

My husband and I are getting a divorce. His new girlfriend brought up the idea of us being in a poly relationship after he had trouble deciding between the two of us. He and I are both on board. She is a bit hesitant because she as some security issues, she is worried I will hurt him and she hasn't been in a relationship with him that long.

I need advice on how to make myself an attractive partner for a personal poly relationship. What does a "sister wife" entail? If anyone can help me that would be great.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Bronaives,

There aren't any standards about what constitutes an attractive sister-wife, other than maybe good communication skills. It might also help for you to read up on polyamory and learn as much about it as you can. Polyamory.com is a great place to do that; spend some time reading our various threads, and post more questions along the way. There are also a few good books you can read, "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert ... and "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino. Reading those books may raise up some more questions for you -- which is a good thing since you can post those here as well.

Anyway, those are a few ideas.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

My husband and I are getting a divorce. His new girlfriend brought up the idea of us being in a poly relationship after he had trouble deciding between the two of us. He and I are both on board.

So you won't divorce if new girl agrees to be his other wife?? Wow, she's holding all the cards, sounds like. And you're trying to lure her as bait, so you can keep your man? Sorry if this sounds harsh but it sounds that way from here. Maybe you can clear that up.

She is a bit hesitant because she has some security issues: she is worried I will hurt him, and she hasn't been in a relationship with him that long.

She's afraid YOU will hurt HIM? It sounds like you ALL could hurt EACH OTHER, rushing into this thing. Who gets engaged and married after such a short relationship? Some do, and a very few make it work out, but rushed relationships are in the huge majority "marry in haste, repent at leisure," or, "like fire and powder, which, as they kiss, consume." To quote Congreve and Shakespeare.

I need advice on how to make myself an attractive partner for a personal poly relationship. What does a "sister wife" entail? If anyone can help me that would be great.

Think with your head and not your soft heart or his genitalia. You have rights. You shouldn't be thinking of making yourself an attractive sister wife.

A good sister wife stands up for her rights, and strives to keep everything in balance, your needs, his, hers. But it's more on your husband as the hinge of the V to balance everyone's needs.

 

[GalaGirl]

This is very confusing to read. It's hard to advise when I don't get what's going on or what the desired outcome is.

I am going to guess. I might guess wrong. You correct me, ok? I quote just to visually block it off. Blue is mine.

It almost sounds like he cheated with this GF woman. (If you guys were practicing an Open marriage when she entered the picture, then he wouldn't be having to "choose" which one to be with. He could just keep practicing open marriage and be with both.)

So maybe you said "You cheated. Divorce!" hoping that would motivate him to get rid of her, but not really wanting to divorce him.

And he didn't want divorce either. Says he cannot decide between the two. So she's still not gone. Stalemate.

So GF suggests you all forming a group marriage and you and her as "sister wives." You and husband are on board with that.

(Why? Are you thinking like if you cannot get rid of her, you will "absorb" her instead? And if you agree to being the senior sister wife and her the other one, you feel a sense of control over the situation rather than being swept away by it? )

And now you want advice on how to become attractive and what a sister wife does... because maybe you are thinking you are supposed to date her and fuck her too in this group marriage?

Is that guess close to what is happening here? Or is it something else entirely. Could you be willing to clarify?

Most people date for a while first before proposing marriage. Then they are engaged for a while to see if they are DEEPLY compatible before actually getting married. Where's the fire? Why the rush to move toward a group marriage? I would slow all that down.

Group marriage doesn't automatically mean cohabitation, group dating, or group sex either. Sometimes it's just a "V" -- Two wives in separate bedrooms, sharing a husband who visits each wife separately. Those separate bedrooms may even be in separate houses. It's not like the wives have to be dating each other too or sharing sex with each other too.

People sit down and talk with each other and form their own agreements on how they want to be together. There is no "one way to do it."

I hope neither the GF or the husband is telling you the "right way" to do it and playing mind games or something.

She is a bit hesitant because she as some security issues, she is worried I will hurt him and she hasn't been in a relationship with him that long.

If she's hesitant and worried you will hurt him... Why doesn't she just sit tight while you guys divorce? And then she can date him without you in the picture? What's her angle?

If she's not sure she wants poly group marriage... why's she the one suggesting it? Did he put her up to it? Is he playing you both off each other so he can harem build?

Is a poly group marriage with these people something YOU really want for yourself? Or something you are just going along with to try to make the best of things? Are you being pressured into it?

In your ideal situation... if you could have everything be just the way you want it...what would you pick it to be?

Galagirl