Advice on Poly Curious Partner

D

ds1511

New member
Could I get some advice on a poly curious partner and our relationship chaning from mono to poly from those of you who have experience?

My SO recently brought up having feelings for another person, wanting to date them, and that there might be deep seated poly thoughts that had been repressed. After thought and discussion, I agreed to it. We have been having a lot of deep discussions about this and relationships in general and I'm at a place where I trust our relationship is solid. During our discussions, I've done a lot of self evaluation and began wondering if my past releationships pointed to poly as well. My SO is very resistant to the idea of me dating anyone else and freely admits that it's not fair to feel that way, but can't stand the thought of sharing me. I'm still trying to dig into the specifics of why me dating is different, but would love any thoughts from other's that have been there.

Thanks for your thoughts!
 
That is something that needs to be worked out between the two of you.

If you feel drawn to dating more people, of course you have every right. It does seem unfair of her to suggest she date others, but she doesn't want you to.

However, some people who are poly for themselves do enjoy dating people who are monogamous with them! Poly people can struggle with jealousy too, especially at first. Or they might just find it simpler.

It can take a year or two for people new to poly to start to feel comfortable practicing it. There's a lot to work out. Take baby steps and keep conversation open. Don't hide your feelings, but be respectful.

A good book for lots of "poly 101" is called Opening Up.
 
Hello ds1511,

The question that comes to my mind is, do you *want* to date others? If the answer is no, then her not wanting you to date others does not pose a problem. But if the answer is yes, then she needs to reevaluate her feelings around it, and figure out how she can be more fair. Perhaps the answer is for neither of you to date others. Or perhaps the answer is for both of you to date others, while she gets help for her negative feelings about it. It's definitely not fair for her to date others but tell you not to ... if indeed you *want* to date others.

I can post some links for dealing with jealousy, if you think that might help. Let me know.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
What's your present relationship model? What models are you considering next?

Sounds like you started Closed/monogamous. Then partner wants to change and it become mono-poly. Like Open for them on their side so they can date X, but Closed for you and you agreed to that model.

And now you think you want Open on both sides so you are free to poly date too. But partner doesn't want that?

Well... finish talking it out then. Just because you were compatible practicing Closed/monogamous together? Doesn't automatically mean you are compatible practicing Open models together. You might each prefer different kinds of open models. That article isn't exhaustive, but I suggest you and partner talk and get on the same page.

What model ARE you trying to practice together at this point in time?

One of you might want Closed, 1A, or 2B.

The other might want Closed, 1C or 2 A.

Talk it out and figure out what lines up or not.

If it's pretty much that partner wants Open for them but not for you? You decide if you like doing that or not.

Some people are. They aren't esp monogamous so are ok being in an open model. They are monoamorous and want just the 1 sweetie. So are ok being "end points" in a V or similar. Cuz they have their one sweetie. The hinge.

But if you are not ok with that because you want the opportunity to date also? The opportunity to have more than 1 sweetie too? You basically have to tell your current partner "I'm not up for that -- where it is open for you but not for me. I want the ability to date others too. You seem to recognize that is fair."

Their struggle with sharing your time and attention? That's for them to solve. Not like being mean, but like... you cannot do their internal work FOR them. YKWIM?

As to guess why they struggle with the idea of sharing your time and attention? Only they can answer that.

If I were going to guess? Maybe hinge skills are easy to imagine. Like you think "Oh, it will be like THIS. Only I will have two sweeties." And basically whether you are with partner A or partner B? Both options are fun to you. You get twice as much time and attention.

Where being a meta? You partner is the hinge who has two sweeties? Part of the time is fun. You are with the sweetie. The other part of the time? You are on your own, which can feel tough. Esp if you are used to having "dibs" on all your partner's free time. Now you have to share it.

If you don't like being alone, haven't done the work of detanglement, don't have a good circle of friends, or are at loose ends for what to do with yourself? It can be an adjustment.

It can also be a wake up call. It can be a surprise for people to have time on their own again if they have filled up ALL their free time with the sweetie and neglected to build their friend networks separate from their partner's.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Thank you all for the advice and thoughts. We’ve got a lot to talk about and work through but we both want the best for each other and ourselves. Just a lot of adjustment and rethinking.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top