Advice or experiences welcome

[Polyglamorous]

Does anyone have any experience with having a crush on your partners best friend? My partner knows, I was just wondering if anyone has any similar experiences that have worked out positively and if it didn't work out, why?

 

[Shaya]

Hi,

I'm relatively new to the forums myself, but it seems fairly common to develop feelings for people whom you see and respect a lot. A partner's best friend certainly falls in that category. I can understand you wanting to find stories of others in similar situations and I'll link a few below. However, their situations are not likely to mirror yours and I think an approach to the situation will depend more on how familiar you and your partner are to non monogamy, what your partner's best friend's view on non monogamy is, as well as what your goals and your partner's best friend's goals are for a relationship, along with past traumas, love attachment styles, personalities and approach to conflict... and other stuff.

Having said that, you're keen to see what others have done to open up romantically to a friend of one's partner - specifically a best friend.

Jane has been quite liberal in sharing her story, so I think she won't mind me sharing it. Start from post 19 I think. Jane quite candidly says starting the relationship as an affair is the wrong way to go and very bravely shares her experiences with us to learn from. I respect Jane a lot for her candour and personally felt I learnt a lot from her story.

Here's a recent post from a new member explaining his difficulty coming to terms with his wife asking him for an open relationship to explore polyamory with his best childhood friend, who happens to be working on polyamory-related topics with his wife. I felt the poster was trying to push himself from monogamy to polyamory too fast and my advice was to ask his wife to go slower, at a more comfortable rate for him. That would have been the same advice I would have given if it wasn't a best friend.

Here's another recent post showing how not to do it. The poster found her best friend and husband had slept together and while she wasn't against that, the fact that he took two days to tell her felt wrong to her.

This one seems to be a healthy quad with each couple identifying the other couple as having been best friends before moving into poly.

Here's another person asking a similar question to you.

There have been other stories I haven't been comfortable posting since it's their stories and they're more detailed than the ones listed above. I wasn't sure on the ethics of it even though they've posted it online. Maybe you could use the search function?

Good luck,
Shaya.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Polyglamorous,

I think my main advice would be to take things slow with your partner's best friend, and in the meantime, communicate a lot with both your partner and the best friend. Your partner knows, so that is a good first step. Does the best friend know?

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Polyglamorous]

Thank you for all of those links, they were helpful. Neither of us have actually had a polyamorous relationship. We have been discussing it for two years. His Friend does know, he said he wasn't comfortable with it. Although I have held out hope. Sometimes it seems like there is a chance. I'm not really interested in having that kind of relationship unless it's with this specific people. Which in all of my reading, I know is a bad idea. They say it's not smart to have a preconceived notation on how you want something to be. Thank you folks for your replies.

 

[Shaya]

Hi Polyglam,

I do so love your name by the way. Can't believe you managed to snag that alias on a polyboard. Good on ya!

You said:

His Friend does know, he said he wasn't comfortable with it. Although I have held out hope.

Do you envisage others whom you might later crush on? Or do you currently feel that it will be poly with this person or no poly at all? Do you envisage your husband starting a poly relationship with others in the future?

 

[Polyglamorous]

We aren't married. Marriage is scary haha. He said he doesn't want to have another relationship but he may change his mind later. I'm not sure what will change his mind exactly but I have come to terms with that. If it would make it easier I wish he would. Or if it would make him happy. He has a tendency to lack motivation/happiness sometimes. Also thank you, I couldn't think of a name so I was stoked it wasn't taken. Im pretty torn on if I would move forward with anyone else but leaning more towards that person or no one. For my partners sake (he said he would be most comfortable with that) and my own.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Does anyone have any experience with having a crush on your partners best friend? My partner knows, I was just wondering if anyone has any similar experiences that have worked out positively and if it didn't work out, why?

Since I never really "dated" and tend to only interact with new people if they are already friends with my (limited) circle of friends, most of my sexual (and romantic) partners have some sort of relationship with each other. (When all of us were in the "marrying phase" it was a standing joke that we would pass the time figuring out how many of the guests the bridal party had slept with) I met MrS and his best friend at the same party when I was in High School, his friend asked me out and he asked out my friend . (Only took me 4 months to sort out that "error" - which involved me taking my friend's ex-BF to the Prom so that another guy would go with my other friend. JEESH).

Having said that, you're keen to see what others have done to open up romantically to a friend of one's partner - specifically a best friend.

Jane has been quite liberal in sharing her story, so I think she won't mind me sharing it. Start from post 19 I think. Jane quite candidly says starting the relationship as an affair is the wrong way to go and very bravely shares her experiences with us to learn from. I respect Jane a lot for her candour and personally felt I learnt a lot from her story.

I'm Jane and you may certainly share my story. If anyone can learn from my mistakes then posting it online was worthwhile.

Dude was MrS's best friend for several years before I even met him. (If this seems odd to anyone, it isn't for us - I work long, long hours interacting with people, but, as an introvert, this is draining for me. When I am home/off meeting new people is at the bottom of my list of ways to spend my time.) If MrS invites someone over then they must be REALLY GOOD people (I hate having "strangers" in my space.)

I never intended for anything with Dude to go past the "flirtatious wife" level...but it did...and I handled it poorly (as you can read in the link above - I was a complete Jackass). Things turned out to work out for all of us, but I think that was dependent on SOOO many factors. For instance: MrS's trust in me - I broke it, but that was ONE mistake not a serial event. Mr's ability to forgive. Me holding myself responsible for my own choices. Dude's love for both of us. I wrote about this in the Trust Broken...and ReBuilt thread I started a few years ago.

*********************

With that preface - IF it is a "cheating affair" situation (like mine, for the most part) THEN I think that likelihood of a happy ending (like mine) must be extremely rare. I was fortunate in the people involved. But recovering from your partner and your best friend betraying you at the same time, with each other? That is harsh.

On the other hand - if everything is above board and NOT a cheating situation? Your significant other is aware (and, I assume, supportive?), if the best friend is willing? Well then you have a cohort of people who actually care about each other and don't want to see anyone hurt. I think the elusive "compersion" is actually easier to achieve in this scenario. (I know that, for myself personally, I am MUCH more comfortable when my boys are attracted to and involved with people that I admire and respect, especially if I have any sort of relationship with them.)